Santa's Little Helper (review)

You know when wrestlers make movies that they're going to be amazing.  Remember No Holds Barred?  They Live?  Suburban Commando?  Anything starring Kane or John Cena?

Clearly the sarcasm meter is going off at a rampant pace here, even though I do hold a special place in my heart for Santa With Muscles.  Seriously, I watch it every year.

So what would make me want to watch a Christmas movie produced by the WWE?  Paige - the two time Diva's champion, that's who.  I haven't kept a secret about my secret crush on Paige (don't worry, my wife is well aware of it).  I even bought the Paige action figure.  I swear, it just sits on my desk.  I don't do anything odd with it.  Realistically, the only reason I even bought the DVD of Santa's Little Helper was because Paige is in it.  This little romp is about The Miz trying to get a job as Santa's right-hand man.  I know, it sounds like the Emperor and Darth Vader on the surface, but it's not.  The Miz is put through a series of trials by an elf with round ears to see if he's the one for Santa.  Eventually, Eleanor (Paige's naughty elf character) catches wind of this and challenges him for the job.  I don't want to spoil the ending here, but since you probably aren't going to watch this flick anyway, neither Paige or The Miz get the job.  There.  Your Christmas is now ruined.

She's such a naughty elf!

The Good - uh... well, I certainly enjoyed all of Paige's screen time.  I wasn't aware that I could get a boner while watching a PG movie, but, hey we're almost living in the year 2016.  Also, it seems like one of the movie's locales was the same one used in Ernest Saves Christmas, which made me pretty happy and nostalgic.  Ernest Saves Christmas is a wonderful little adventure that makes me miss Jim Varney every year.  That timeless rendition he does of "O Christmas Tree", and the spot-on performance of Santa Claus truly makes Ernest Saves Christmas a holiday classic.  Yes, I realize I've spent my allotted space on the film Ernest Saves Christmas, and not Santa's Little Helper.  Fully aware.

The Bad -Do you want to start with the acting or the music or the effects?  How about the story?  Or the films action sequence?  How about the fact that I dropped twenty bucks on this DVD then saw it for only $13.99 somewhere else the next day? 

The Verdict - Let's not kid ourselves here, I knew this movie was going to suck when I bought it.  And yet, when The Lovely Wife wondered why I was buying it, I tried to justify the purchase by suggesting, "it might just surprize us."  Also, I sat through the whole thing, which might seem pretty amazing, but I'm also the guy who made it through the Star Wars Holiday Special eight times, and Santa With Muscles every year since 2003.  I know all of Blake's rules by heart.  So I can't shit on Santa's Little Helper too much.  I mean, I did drop the twenty bucks on it on purpose.  And the scene where The Miz gets his face buried in Paige's naughty-elf-area for, like, five minutes was effing awesome.

- Ryan