Fruitcake: Ryan's Guide

Fruitcake!
That's right, everyone's (*ahem*) favorite holiday tradition is back with a vengeance. The holiday fruitcake is one of those gifts you give someone when you don't know what to give. Oh, I'll just get them a fruitcake, you've probably said on several occasions over the last few years. Really though, what do you give to your cousin who only visits to drink your beer?  

You give them a goddam fruitcake.

Part One - The Origin of Fruitcake
The first fruitcake wasn't invented so much as it was discovered. It was a warm winter day in West Palm Beach back in 1912, when Wilbur MacDonaldsonisoningsly was being evicted from his bungalow. As his landlord walked away from the house, Wilbur didn't want to look like a fool in front of his wife and kids, so he did what he thought was right in his head. He pulled a loose brick from the house's foundation and hurled it with all his might at his landlord's head. One direct hit later and Wilbur was on top of his landlord, cradling the man and screaming at him. To try and be ironic, Wilbur then forced the brick down his landlord's throat, choking him to death. The brick itself had become spotted with the landlord's blood, giving it a two-color appeal.
And thus, the fruitcake was born.
Now, people of all class levels bake cakes until they are completely in-edible and decorate them with hideous pieces of red fruit to give to people they'd just as soon forget, but know they need to please anyway. In many ways Wilbur was an inventor, a martyr, and even a poet.

Who actually enjoys making this for people?

Part Two - Famous Fruitcakes
You'd think that the rich and famous, with all their money and glamorous power, wouldn't bother giving away fruitcakes. Well, you'd think wrong. Movie stars like Will Smith have probably lost touch with the lesser known characters from The Fresh Prince. Geoffrey, the butler on the show, probably receives a fruitcake from Mr. Smith every Christmas. Well, he probably gets it a few days after Christmas, because let's face it the guy who played Geoffrey never even got his name in the opening credits.
I'd imagine hip-hop superstars give fruitcake with gold and diamonds on them to replace the actual fruit. This seems to have a certain "je ne sais quois" to it and would defeat the entire purpose of the fruitcake.
Cartoon characters most definitely give fruitcakes as gifts, but they blow up.

Part Three - Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake
A little off topic? Perhaps. But I think it's important to note that in late 80's/early 90's WWF Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake went from being a bad-guy to a good-guy. When he did that, then-commentator turned now-governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura started calling him Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake. This is because Ventura always cheered for the bad guys and booed the good guys. The lesson here is that if you don't act bad every once in a while, people will go so far as to change your name to either the most-hated holiday gift, or a homosexual rendition of said name.
Was Ventura right to do so? Only you can be the judge. After all, "The Body" is now a governor... while Brutus The Barber is over-weight and out-of-work.

Part Four - Other Uses
Fruitcake doesn't have to be eaten. Most people don't even bother. Do you have a table that wobbles? Put the fruitcake under the leg. Do you have a mess of papers on your desk that blow away when you open a window? Set the fruitcake on top of them. Does your car roll back when you put it in park? Set the fruitcake behind your back wheels. The possibilities are pretty much endless here people. Did your husband go away on business and leave you feeling unsatisfied? No problem! That fruitcake can easily be your greatest love affair and, unless you film it and put it on the internet, only you and the cake would know. After all, fruitcakes are great listeners. They aren't selfish, and you won't outlive them either.

Part Five - Why Nobody Likes It
If you ask people why they don't like fruitcake, they'll usually tell you the same answer: Because it's fruitcake, goddamit!
Now, depending on where you live and who you talk to, the use of profanity may different. Some may respond with a classic Motherfucker at the end, while others insist on keeping it clean with a good ol' fashioned Gol' Darnit.
This leads us to believe that we as a society don't truly understand why we hate fruitcake. The hatred for this holiday tradition has been passed down from generation to generation much like Star Trek geeks are inclined to name their first born sons "Spock" (you don't know how fucking stupid that is). So let's all give fruitcake a chance this year. Let's put fruitcake on our Christmas Lists to Santa Claus. Let's go to parties and say things like "Gee, you know what would go great with this glass of wine? A nice slice of fruitcake, just like mama used to make!". And then, after we've all settled down in this porcelain doll utopia we can reflect upon how pathetic we are for being the only pussies on the planet who wanted to eat fruitcake.
Fruitcake is shit. Don't give it to people unless you want to be kicked in the balls (or Vag as it may be).
So if I ever give you a fruitcake, you probably shouldn't eat it. Chances are I went pee-pee in it.
Goodnight!