You know, I rarely delve into politics. It's not that I'm overly political, or underly political, or really have a very good opinion on politics.
But you can't take a shit anywhere in the world anymore without hearing someone's opinion of Donald Trump running for President of the United States of America.
My opinion of whether or not he'd make a good leader (my opinion is that he wouldn't) doesn't really matter. I'm not a citizen of the USA and I've never spent the night in one of his luxury hotels. But I've seen a lot of movies and television over the years, so here's my list of the Top 11 Presidents.
Maybe the Donald will be on this list. Probably not.
11. Presidents of the United States of America
You can interpret this one however you want. You can believe it's all of the presidents ever grouped together or that shitty band who had the shitty song about peaches. I'm not a big fan of either.
Seabass
10. President Sparkling Wine
If it gets you drunk, it should be on every top eleven list ever.
09. President's Day
Is it a holiday? Are you being paid to stay home and do nothing with your family? Oooh la la!
08. Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Universe
Maybe the President of the USA should have two heads instead of one.
07. Cam "President Seabass" Neely
Sure, the Bruins may have sucked this year (and last year) but Neely is still my favorite hockey player of all-time.
06. The President of the Hair Club for Men
He's also a member! 05. President's Choice White Cheddar Macaroni n' Cheese
Oh my gosh, you've gotta eat this stuff. If you live in the USA you might not have access to it, but imagine Kraft Macaroni n' Cheese that tasted a million times better. No, a bajillion times.
04. E.G. Marshall
He was the President in my favorite movie ever, Superman II.
03. Ronnie
He better talk to Russia before it's too late.
02. Harry "Get Off My Plane" Ford
GET OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
01. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Yes. Yes. Yes. The man.
Just sit back and relax. Enjoy this ride. There's enough random in here to randomize your rando-meter.
11. Supermarket Sweep
Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune ain't got nothing on Supermarket Sweep. This was hands down the best game show on Earth (excluding Bumper Stumpers) and the proof is in the pudding! What other game show had their contestants run around a grocery store and fill up their carts with random shit?
Castle Mother Effing Grayskull
10. Castle Grayskull
Quite possibly the ultimate childhood toy, Grayskull was the castle that He-Man protected from Skeletor. There were traps, laser guns, and a real working jaw-bridge!
9. Pink Highlighters
Highlighters were a big craze in the late 80s and early 90s. For a while you could only get them in yellow, and then all-of-a-sudden appeared the pink version. It seems like everything in the early 90s was neon pink and yellow anyway, so why not our writing utensils?
8. The Hoff
David Hasselhoff is just plain wonderful. What a great human being. You don't hassel the Hoff, and that makes him awesomely awesome.
7. Bacon Everything is better with bacon. When hamburgers became boring, they put bacon on it. Real men didn't want to eat salad, and so bacon was added to Caesar salads. You can get bacon flavored chips and syrup. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus Mother Fuckin' Christ ate some good tasting bacon at the last supper.
6. Canadian Tire Money Shit yes! You may think that CT Money is a nuisance that seems to gather up on the floor of your car, but this stuff is way more valuable than you can imagine. Take my parents for example. My dad does about 75% of his Christmas shopping with Canadian Tire money. He's not being cheap, he's being economical. And hell, these days you can get just about anything there... if you can find which aisle it's in... and the Canadian Tire dollar seems to be worth more than the actual Canadian dollar.
5. 1989-90 O-Pee-Chee Hockey Cards
Considered the greatest hockey card set ever (by me) this one had a Sakic rookie card, Gretzky with the Kings, and a lot of cards from the once-great Hartford Whalers. THE WHALE! THE MIGHTY WHALE! 4. Vinyl
Music is just better sounding on vinyl. Sure, an iPod is easier to use but you don't get that "warm" sound when you listen to music digitally. And I just so happen to have a lot of shitty records that were never re-released on CD... kinda like I have some shitty VHS that never came out on DVD (John Stamos is Born To Ride). Long live vinyl!
3.Twenty-eight Moosehead for the price of 24
We all know I like beer. I like beer like... really a lot. And what could be better than getting 28 of a great beer like Moosehead for the price of only 24? Well, maybe 29... but the dimensions of a case don't really lend themselves to that. Either way, I'm just happy to have a fridge full of Moosehead. 2. Randy "Macho Man" Savage
"Ooooh Yeah!!!!"
He was involved in the greatest Wrestlemania match of all-time. He paraded around with the lovely Elizabeth. He had a variety of hats and crowns that he wore. And he snapped into a Slim Jim. And even though he's dead, he's still awesome.
1. "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys
I'll be honest, this whole list was created because on my way home today I heard "Kokomo" and when that first chorus hit I felt the need to go and dance with anyone. Damn! If "Kokomo" can do that to me, maybe it can bring about world peace.
There are days that I wonder what is so special about being Canadian. Sure, we have national healthcare and gun control. We invented hockey and don't start wars with anyone. Big deal. If you ask me, the best part about growing up in Canada was the luxury of eating Superman French Fries.
Yup, Superman French Fries. The Man of Steel was no stranger to food tie-ins, having already had his own amazing brand of peanut butter, but these fries were only available in Canada. Funny, considering Superman stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."
Essentially, these were just frozen french fries, similar to McCain Superfries but they had something else very special. You could instantly win a Super Powers action figure. Now, in the early 80s those Super Powers toys were the shit. And I mean quite possibly the best toys ever made. You'd push Superman's legs together and he would punch. Squeeze together the arms of The Flash and his legs would run. Robin would chop, etc, etc. And here you could get a fucking free action figure just for eating french fries! Goddam!
Looking back on the potato slices, I'm always kinda surprized that the Metropolis French Fry Corporation would need Superman to endorse their product. I mean, kids already like french fries. It's not like parents have a hard time getting their kids to eat them. Not like spinach, which needed Popeye as a spokesperson. Why didn't Superman endorse All Bran or rice cakes? When I was a kid, I would've eaten anything Superman solicited.
"Hello youngster. Try this super-flavored bowl of shit puffs!"
"Sure thing Superman! You're the greatest!"
On the back of the fry bag you could even save up UPC labels to mail-away for a free Clark Kent action figure.
Now get this: the only way to get that Clark Kent figure was in the mail. You couldn't go to the nearest Consumers Distributing and expect to find a Clark Kent figure on the shelf, no sir. Remember when you were a kid how excited you'd get if some mail came for you? I used to mail away for special G.I. Joe toys all the time, and when they came to the door it was always the happiest moment of my life. Getting a Kent toy in the mail was like having Superman come to your house for your birthday party.
I'm sad to say I never mailed away for the Clark Kent figure. And to this day I've still never gotten my hands on one.
these are obviously fake
As for the actual french fries in the bag... meh. They just taste like french fries. But, they WERE crinkle cut fries. Long after Superman French Fries were gone I'd still ask my mom to buy Crinkle Cut Fries. Maybe they just give me great memories. My wife doesn't care so much for crinkle cut fries, and she also thought Christopher Reeve was a terrible actor. Just sayin'...
I also have vivid memories of cutting Superman out of the bag and using that little piece of garbage as a toy. We weren't poor, and I had a Superman figure, but for some reason I liked playing with the cut-out from the bag. Maybe it was my first attempts at being crafty.
Lastly, I really think my mother used to tell me if I ate my Superman French Fries that I'd be strong like Superman. And these days, I could really go for a frozen bag of those super memories.
Not that what we have right now in Canada isn't pretty terrible, but I'm definitely not the guy for the job of running a country. Especially not a country the size of Canada.
Canada's a big place, and on October 19th, the citizens over the age of eighteen will take to the polls to elect who they think should be Prime Minister. Well, let's be realistic, we'll be lucky if half of registered voters actually take the time to go do it after whining on social media about the awfulness of which party leader they dislike the most. I'm okay with that so long as they don't vote for me.
Let's face reality - if I were elected Prime Minister of Canada, I'd be doing some things that would be people up in arms and shake their fists in the air. First off, all vegans would have to leave the country. It's nothing personal (at least I don't think it is), but if you aren't going to eat the food put in front of you then you go away. For example, if my daughter doesn't eat the meat on her plate at supper time she goes straight to bed. In the case of me being Prime Minister, "bed" would be somewhere else. Possibly France.
If I were the PM, there would be news story after news story about me engaging in scandalous affairs with my interns. I got nothing to hide there. I haven't even done it yet and I'm telling you all that I would. I'd probably employ a new intern every couple of weeks too. That's where your tax dollars would go.
Speaking of taxes, I wouldn't raise taxes. I wouldn't necessarily lower them either. I'd just re-allocate them. You see, most people don't realize that our country is actually a business, the people in government are the employees, and the citizens are the customers. So we NEED taxes to make sure that we have access to police, ambulances, fire fighters, etc, etc. The goal of every business is to make money - and Canada isn't doing that. So let's suppose you were the CEO of a business that had been consistently losing money and showing no growth over a period of eight years or so. You'd be really fortunate to still have a job.
Would I legalize marijuana? Yup. I don't even smoke weed, but I'd make sure it was very available to those who do, so I could tax it properly, and maybe fix a few roads in the process. While I'm at it, I'd legalize prostitution, so those aforementioned interns could help pay for their tuition.
Oh, and old people? Sorry, but you won't be allowed to drive anymore. This little initiative will ensure better driver safety and reduce the amount stress induced anger around the country. And plus, old people smell like old people, so keeping them in a stuffy car isn't a good idea for anyone. But don't worry, old people I won't send you away with the vegans. We'd miss your wrinkly little smiling faces too much. So I'd offer free bus passes for the aged. These special passes, paid for by the old peoples' taxes, can be used on Sundays between 8am and 1pm so they can go to church, and also on Tuesdays between 10am and 6pm so they can shop in places that offer seniors discounts. Other than that, old people will be staying at home where they will be safe, cozy, and out of the way.
The flag? I'd mostly leave it alone, but I might consider adding a watermark of my face on there.
More Canadian hockey teams? You best believe I'd work at getting Halifax a hockey team! There are enough NHL teams currently that one of them could move to Halifax. Let's see... I know! I'd move the Montreal Habs there!
I'd also make traveling in this country a little easier. So many people want to visit the west coast and beautiful Vancouver. But the travel can be pretty long and tiring. No problem! We'll simply remove Saskatchewan and squeeze Alberta and Manitoba together.
Also, I hate the winter time. So while you're all suffering through feet upon feet of snow, I'd be conducting all of my Prime Minister duties from Florida.
Oh, and lastly, regarding our Monopoly money - I'm absolutely against having a five dollar coin. I'd probably go ahead and bring back the red two dollar bill too. I actually cringe to myself when I catch myself saying the word "toonie". I'm fine with the one dollar coin, as very little costs only a dollar anymore anyway (screw you Dollarama), but I'd put in a motion to bring back The Shinplaster - a nifty and useful twenty-five cent bill that circulated around the time of the Great Depression.
So you can vote for Justin Trudeau or Stephen Harper or Brian Mulroney if you want. Your choice is your choice and that's a beautiful thing.
I'd never tell you who to vote for, but seriously, don't vote for me.
It seems like everyone around has Blue Jays fever right now.
I think those die-hard Jays fans who have been around for years really deserve to see Toronto win another World Series. I'm a Red Sox fan, but I can recognize that the Jays have been working on building this team for a few years now. And I do like seeing hard work pay off.
To be honest, I don't really care who wins the World Series.
I live in Canada and don't even cheer for a Canadian hockey team, so the likelihood of me being a Jays fan is pretty small. But I do remember the excitement of Joe Carter, Roberto Alomar, Todd Stottle... Stoddle... Stodtel...Oscarmayer, and Cito Gaston from '92 and '93. I even had a World Series champs shirt.
my 1992 baseball card.
Those were the days.
I mean, I guess they were. I don't remember them all that well anymore. As a kid I liked the Expos too, mostly because they had Youppi as their mascot. I met him in the summer of '92 when I went with my dad to an Expos game. Youppi didn't have time to talk though because his very attractive assistant told me that, "Monsieur Youppi aas ay teyleyfonn cahl."
Wow, the French-Canadian accent is a hard one to type out.
Anyway, back to the Blue Jays.
In 1999 I went to a Jays game with my buddy and pseudo-brother Brian. We sort of went on a lark and had a great time. Mostly because Tony Fernandez was there. Tony Fernandez is the all-time greatest baseball player in the history of sports. He was so good at baseball, and at being Tony Fernandez, that he could have excelled at anything he put his mind to.
God.
But enough about Tony Fernandez, let's talk about Kelly Gruber. When I was ten years old I had a life-sized Kelly Gruber poster that hung in my basement. Me and all my friends, because we were a bunch of ass-hats, called him Kelly Booger and used the poster as a dart board. One of my friends took a dart and dug out a hole in Gruber's crotch. It was big enough to put your fingers in and totally ruined the drywall in the basement. Come to think of it, looking back on that poster... having a huge hole in Gruber's crotch was really weird. I can only hope that none of my friends had any weird ideas of what to do with that poster when I would go to the bathroom.
So these days I'm seeing a lot of "Go Jays Go" around town, and part of me wants to assume it's because the Maple Leafs fans are so sick of seeing their team suck at anything NHL related that they'll become baseball fans while it's chic to do so. The better part of me knows that nothing makes Canadians happier than having the opportunity to be better at something than the Americans.
But, it does look like fun to be cheering along with them. And girls look really sexy in baseball hats. So if the Blue Jays are the flavor of the month, maybe I'll try and... CATCH THE TASTE!
- ryan
(...check out this really flattering picture of me from 1992. I bet I got all the chicks.)
July 1st is Canada Day. For those of you who don't live in Canada and are reading this, you might just imagine that it's like the 4th of July, but for Canadians. And now that I've written that, I fully expect to have my Canadian citizenship taken away.
You see, Canadians don't really like having themselves compared to their southern neighbors. I think it was best summed up on an episode of The Kids In The Hall when Dave Foley was asked if he was American, and he said something along the lines of, "I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but I don't carry a gun."
...just Ontario.
As Canadians, we're very quick to point out the differences between us and the U.S. of A. Heaven forbid if someone thinks we're from 'Murica.
"We have free national healthcare for all Canadians!"
"We don't walk around with guns and shoot each other for no reason!"
"Our beer doesn't taste like crap!"
"We're polite, gosh darnit!"
Gosh darnit, some of those facts are pretty darn nice. And combined, let's not forget that Canadian hockey teams have won more Stanley Cups than American hockey teams. Because that's really important to us, you know. Ask any die-hard Maple Leafs fan, and they'll tell you - if the Leafs aren't gonna win a Cup this year, then it should be another Canadian team (except Montreal, of course) because the Cup belongs to Canada.
Gosh darnit!
We're so polite that one of our Provinces tried to leave the country a few years back and we almost let them go. Does that make Quebec the girlfriend to the rest of Canada that just hangs around to keep the family together so the kids will always have two parents?
And what about those gun laws? We sure do love to talk about Canadian gun control. We're not violent little shits like those Americans, no sir! Heck, there's never a murder in Canada. Well, not one that we talk about in great detail anyway, because we're so gosh darn polite we'd rather talk about your Aunt's Maple Syrup. Apparently, according to her, it was a good year for maple syrup. Well then, serve me up some pancakes!
Just for fun, here's a video I made a few years back about the difference between the U.S.A. and Canada. I put their name first to be polite. And really, the video is about the difference between American Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, and Canadian Kraft Dinner.
That was fun, gosh darnit.
Maybe someday I'll do a comparison of the Canadian and American versions of Smarties.
I've often wondered why Americans are so quick to shoot their guns at each other. My only answer is that their Reese Peanut Butter Cups come in packages of two, instead of three like here in Canada. And yet, we're quick to tell America they have an obesity problem. I don't know about you, but if there were only two peanut butter cups in a pack, I'd be upset. Maybe not enough to shoot someone, but then again I've never been in that situation before. I have a tummy, and I'm not obese, but gosh darnit I want three peanut butter cups. That's like, one per period of the game.
I miss those Canadian Heritage Minutes. Remember those?
This guy's Canadian, yo.
"Doctor... I smell... burnt toast!!!!!"
Those were a lot of fun. The ones I remember most vividly were the ones where we tried to claim credit for Superman and Basketball. To be sure, Basketball was created by Canadian James Naismith and it's a great game, but the sport is so much more popular in the States and there's only one Canadian team in the NBA. And don't get me started on how Superman stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. That's a whole blog for another day. (PS - he was only half created by a Canadian)
About fifteen years ago I saw a local band playing on Canada Day at a place called Lake Ontario Park. They were a mullet band, so of course I watched them. For some ridiculous reason they decided to play John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" and change the lyrics from "Ain't that America" to "Ain't that Canada." I'm not sure where the crowd buried their bodies, but there could have been a riot there comparable to the 2011 Vancouver riots after the Stanley Cup was won by my Boston Bruins.
Yeah, I cheer for an American hockey team. Sorry...?
But I do love living in Canada. We're great people. Kind, friendly, polite, apologetic, and just plain swell. If we were potato chips, we'd probably be Sour Cream n' Onion flavored. We're not for everybody, but those who love us REALLY love us.
I'll leave you with this fun graphic I made.
- ryan
extensively researched while enjoying a European ale.
