Don't Vote For Me

...seriously.

I'd make a pretty horrible Prime Minister.

Not that what we have right now in Canada isn't pretty terrible, but I'm definitely not the guy for the job of running a country.  Especially not a country the size of Canada.

Canada's a big place, and on October 19th, the citizens over the age of eighteen will take to the polls to elect who they think should be Prime Minister.  Well, let's be realistic, we'll be lucky if half of registered voters actually take the time to go do it after whining on social media about the awfulness of which party leader they dislike the most.  I'm okay with that so long as they don't vote for me.

Let's face reality - if I were elected Prime Minister of Canada, I'd be doing some things that would be people up in arms and shake their fists in the air.  First off, all vegans would have to leave the country.  It's nothing personal (at least I don't think it is), but if you aren't going to eat the food put in front of you then you go away.  For example, if my daughter doesn't eat the meat on her plate at supper time she goes straight to bed.  In the case of me being Prime Minister, "bed" would be somewhere else.  Possibly France.

If I were the PM, there would be news story after news story about me engaging in scandalous affairs with my interns.  I got nothing to hide there.  I haven't even done it yet and I'm telling you all that I would.  I'd probably employ a new intern every couple of weeks too.  That's where your tax dollars would go.

Speaking of taxes, I wouldn't raise taxes.  I wouldn't necessarily lower them either.  I'd just re-allocate them.  You see, most people don't realize that our country is actually a business, the people in government are the employees, and the citizens are the customers.  So we NEED taxes to make sure that we have access to police, ambulances, fire fighters, etc, etc.  The goal of every business is to make money - and Canada isn't doing that.  So let's suppose you were the CEO of a business that had been consistently losing money and showing no growth over a period of eight years or so.  You'd be really fortunate to still have a job. 

Would I legalize marijuana?  Yup.  I don't even smoke weed, but I'd make sure it was very available to those who do, so I could tax it properly, and maybe fix a few roads in the process.  While I'm at it, I'd legalize prostitution, so those aforementioned interns could help pay for their tuition.  

Oh, and old people?  Sorry, but you won't be allowed to drive anymore.  This little initiative will ensure better driver safety and reduce the amount stress induced anger around the country.  And plus, old people smell like old people, so keeping them in a stuffy car isn't a good idea for anyone.  But don't worry, old people I won't send you away with the vegans.  We'd miss your wrinkly little smiling faces too much.  So I'd offer free bus passes for the aged.  These special passes, paid for by the old peoples' taxes, can be used on Sundays between 8am and 1pm so they can go to church, and also on Tuesdays between 10am and 6pm so they can shop in places that offer seniors discounts.  Other than that, old people will be staying at home where they will be safe, cozy, and out of the way.

The flag?  I'd mostly leave it alone, but I might consider adding a watermark of my face on there.

More Canadian hockey teams?  You best believe I'd work at getting Halifax a hockey team!  There are enough NHL teams currently that one of them could move to Halifax.  Let's see... I know!  I'd move the Montreal Habs there! 

I'd also make traveling in this country a little easier.  So many people want to visit the west coast and beautiful Vancouver.  But the travel can be pretty long and tiring.  No problem!  We'll simply remove Saskatchewan and squeeze Alberta and Manitoba together.

Also, I hate the winter time.  So while you're all suffering through feet upon feet of snow, I'd be conducting all of my Prime Minister duties from Florida.

Oh, and lastly, regarding our Monopoly money - I'm absolutely against having a five dollar coin.  I'd probably go ahead and bring back the red two dollar bill too.  I actually cringe to myself when I catch myself saying the word "toonie".  I'm fine with the one dollar coin, as very little costs only a dollar anymore anyway (screw you Dollarama), but I'd put in a motion to bring back The Shinplaster - a nifty and useful twenty-five cent bill that circulated around the time of the Great Depression.

So you can vote for Justin Trudeau or Stephen Harper or Brian Mulroney if you want.  Your choice is your choice and that's a beautiful thing.

I'd never tell you who to vote for, but seriously, don't vote for me.

- ryan