I'm Not Ashamed I Read...Y'Know

Back in "the day" (as many seem to call it), I used to go for long, random walks with my buddy Riot. There was never a destination planned, and we were happy so long as there was plenty of hot chicks to look at along the way.  Throw in some McDonald's milkshakes and 7-11 Hot Dogs and we were ecstatic.

Those hot dogs will fuck you up.

Long story short, we always managed to stumble upon a little game of ours called "I'm Not Ashamed I Read Porn." The idea was simple: all one had to do to play along was finish that sentence.

"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I can't actually read.".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed it's the Rosie O'Donnell Collector's Edition".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I saw my sister in one".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I borrowed it from the public library."
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, but the lovely wife thinks I'm slightly obsessed with Lexi Belle."

And so on. And so on.


But the real question is: Should ANYONE actually be ashamed to read porn? Or even just look at the pictures? The Adult Industry has become more widely accepted among the general public over the past ten years. Names like Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy have become as common as Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts. Most of today's music videos are only two steps away from being porn. Don't get me wrong, I sit and stare at the "Umber-ella, ella, ella, eh eh eh" video and won't turn away even if the fucking house is on fire. Most of these pop princesses can shake n' move better than half the porn queens. And really, when you compare someone like Britney Spears to someone like Briana Banks, it's hard to tell who is actually faking it more. Lip syncing at concerts just blows... and hey, so do most porn stars!

Let's get one thing straight once and for all: Playboy Magazine is NOT pornography. It's not exactly a Disney sing-a-long either, but there is really nothing smut-like about Hef's mag. No, no, porn requires penetration. And sometimes double. And while it may not float your boat, it sure is floating someone's boat.  People aren't hiding their secret desires as much as they used to.  They just aren't insecure about them anymore.  Is the internet to thank or blame for that?  I dunno, I'm not about to become an expert on what your secret fantasies are.


(Can you tell which one is Britney and which one is Briana? I'll take either... or both!)
Pornography has broken off into so many different facets that it's "hard" to decide what you're going to look at. There's boy-girl, girl-girl, threesome, gangbang, milf, tranny, pregnant, teen, bukkake, and pretty much anything you could imagine that involves stuffing something into an orifice.  A Heineken bottle, maybe?

The recent "rise" of the porn phenomenon is mostly due to the internet, of course. These days you don't have to go to the other side of town and find a convenience store where nobody speaks English just to buy a porn mag secretly. Chances are you were looking at porn online earlier today. That's the difference between today and twenty years ago. Twenty years ago people would wake up, make coffee, and read the paper. Today, people wake up, make their coffee, and then sit in front of their computer and watch people fuck each other. Progress?

There's not much in my local newspaper anymore anyway.  What about yours?

So you really shouldn't be ashamed that you read porn... assuming that you actually fucking read it. I'm not ashamed that I read porn. But I am a little ashamed that I felt the need to write an article about justifying it. 

Reasons You Shouldn't Be Ashamed To Look At Porn:
1. It's way more common than you think. It's not just an industry for men anymore.
2. It's educational. You can learn new tricks and positions to try with your partner.
3. It's a fantastic stress reliever.
4. You're going to go blind someday anyway.

Thanks for reading!

- ryan

Top 11 Music Movies

Today we take a look at eleven of the best music movies ever made.  I wanted to call it the best Rock n' Roll movies made, but then someone would have a hissy-fit about their being rap movies on the list too, even though rap music embodies the same spirit as rock n' roll.  These are all truly great films that you should check out.  Well, mostly.

Concert films will not be considered on this list.  So that's a "no" to all those great Hanson VHS tapes I see at the thrift stores.  Also, anything with The Beatles in it will not be allowed either, because I just don't like The Beatles.  I know what you're thinking, and when you have a website with your name and fan club in title you can write whatever list you want.  I won't stop you.

11. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Alright, I know I said no Beatles, but they aren't even in this movie.  Let's get something out of the way.  This movie sucks.  I mean, really, really sucks.  But the Aerosmith performance of "Come Together" is almost worth sitting through the first hour or so of shit to get to it.  Thankfully you can just YouTube that kind of stuff these days. I had to watch this crap on VHS in the late 90s.  Imagine sitting through this flick in the theaters in the 70s.  This will be the only piece of shit movie on this list that gets by with one redeeming quality.  I swear.

10. Rock N' Roll High School Forever
I'm not sure if this is a sequel to the Ramones movie or not, but it stars Corey Feldman, has a villain principal named Vader, and I found it in the 99-cent bin at Jumbo Video.  I've actually never seen the original Rock N' Roll High School, so I can't say if it's a sequel or not.  I can just assume that since this one has Corey Feldman in it that it must be at least 70 times better.  So Principal Vader tries to eliminate all elements of rock n' roll and fun from the high school, and that means Feldman's band, The Eradicators, won't be able to play at prom.  Son of a bitch!
This flick came out in the early 90s, so it falls into the time frame of stuff that was more or less leftover from the 80s.  Bonus points for that!

09. Spice World
I only saw this movie because I won two free passes to go see it.  So I got really drunk and took my roommate Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements.  Within the first ten minutes or so we get to see Britney Spears in some revealing lingerie, and then she road trips with some friends to go and become a singing sensation somewhere.
Along the way, she hooks up with your typical hot/sensitive bad-boy type and after letting him hit her vagina one more time, she decides that she's not a girl and not yet a woman.  I guess she's just a slave for him and... wait, I'm not talking about Spice World at all, am I?  I always meant to see that movie.  One of the Kids In The Hall is in it, you know.

08. Rock Star
This one hits a little close to home.  You see, when Rock Star came out in 2001 I was at the apex of my Steven Tyler fandom. Yes, I used to have long hair, wear leopard print clothing, and pretty much try to be as cool as Steven Tyler.  The difference between me and Marky Mark in this movie?  He got to become the front man of his favorite band.  And he got to hook it up with Jennifer Aniston. And he go to drive Adam West's Batmobile.  And eventually he traveled to the Planet of the Apes.  Funny how things work out sometimes.


07. Straight Outta Compton
This one is still pretty new, but it's already better than most rock movies out there. Definitely better than anything that had the Beatles in it, anyway.  I won't spoil it for you because you should check it out, but I will rant about all the classic hip hop from my youth that's in it.  And just like, I totally dated myself. There was the big hoopla about how this movie was overlooked by the Oscars, and I thought, wouldn't it be funny if Ice Cube's son won an Oscar playing a man who made a bunch of movies that never would have won Oscars... it's kind of like a story inside of a story.  Would Ice Cube be pissed of proud? I don't know, that's why I ask you these things.

06. The Runaways
Kristen Stewart gets a lot of flack, and rightfully so, for those shitty ass Twilight movies. And Snow White and the Huntress kinda sucked too.  But I don't believe it was her fault entirely, because she's never been better or hotter than she is in The Runaways.  I guess there's just something about a bad-ass chick playing the guitar.  The Runaways is such an involving movie that I didn't realize General Zod was the band's manager until nearly the end of the movie.  Michael Shannon is the man.  And Dakota Fanning?  She spends most of the movie practically naked and drunk.  God bless rock n' roll.

05. The Wall
Have you ever gotten really fucked up and watched Pink Floyd's flick? Even if you're not fucked up, it'll fuck you up really good.  I got this album at a thrift shop for a dollar and listened to it on repeat for a week or two straight.  So I watched the movie.  Sober.  Completely sober.  I watched it with my good friend Peter, because he's probably the biggest Pink Floyd fan I know and I wanted his expert commentary to go along with it.  It's a great mix of acting and animation (and really great music).  And it's still one of the only albums I have to listen to start to finish.  I can't even just listen to the singles on their own.  To me, they have to be part of the whole story.

04. Still Crazy
I'm not actually going to say anything about this movie, and instead post the trailer for it so you can get excited to see it.  If you've never seen this movie, we can't be friends.

 

03. This Is Spinal Tap
It sure is. Don't make me just post another trailer to watch.  This movie is actually a big part of why I do Top 11 lists.  I used to do Top 10 lists until my good friend Chris suggested I make mine go to eleven, just like in Spinal Tap.  The amp that goes to eleven, the Stonehenge sequence, and the "Lick My Love Pump" bit are some of the most cherished moments in movie and music history, but for me, my favorite part is,
"You can't do that.  That's sexist."
"What's wrong with being sexy?"


02. La Bamba
The story of Ritchie Valens is a big part of why I got interested in rock n' roll.  I first saw this movie when I was only seven, and everything about it just spoke to me.  I got the Los Lobos soundtrack and learned all the words to the classic songs on the LP.  I guess, deep down, I just always wanted to be a star in the golden age of rock n' roll, find a pretty girl named Donna, have an alcoholic half-brother, and die in a plane crash.  Oh, sorry, spoiler alert - he dies in a plane crash at the end.
Sorry.

01. Purple Rain
Before we get into the number one, can I just get everyone to promise they'll never watch the sequel to Purple Rain called "Graffiti Bridge"? Thanks.
Now, let's go crazy.  If you've ever seen the movie 8 Mile, then you've seen a really glamoured up knock off of Purple Rain.  The story is pretty predictable. The acting is... well, I'm not actually sure there is any acting in this.  They're all kind of playing themselves.  But the music and the performances.  Mother fucker!  It's like getting spanked and wanting more.  And there's just something oddly compelling about watching Prince kiss Apollonia.  It's not so much kissing as it looks like he's trying to steal her essence through her mouth.  It's actually kind of uncomfortable to watch the first time.  I love this movie so much that I even sleep in a Purple Rain t-shirt.  I probably shouldn't have told you that.  Now you're going to have some nightmares.  Well, I guess that's what it sounds like when doves cry.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Alex Trebek's Mustache

It seemed like one day the world was about to end. This was the day Alex Trebek released himself from the bonds of his manly mustache. It was a total culture shock, to be sure. We didn't know who Mr. Trebek was outside of his 'stache. We really only knew that he hosted Jeopardy every night at 7:30, and that he had a swell mustache. In fact, it's the only mustache to ever rival Victor Newman's.

There was a time in which we all associated Alex with his mustache. That must've been hard for any gameshow host. It's clear that Alex emancipated himself from his upper lip hair before he went crazy.

But what has Alex's 'stache been up to for the last ten or so years?
I'm glad you asked. And I'm glad you asked in the form of a question.

The 'stache has recently been seen on Mount Rushmore and even made a brief appearance on Britney Spears.


You might say that Britney's comeback success could be a direct result of her association with Mr. Trebek's mustache. You might not. But I'm going to.

In an attempt to regain the confidence of frequent flyers after September 11, Alex's 'stache took over flying duties on several major airlines. It was his way of saying "Don't worry baby. Everything's going to be just fine." And the only problem with planes since was a few poisonous snakes. But Samuel L. Jackson took care of that problem for us.


And yes, even yours truly got accquainted with the 'stache. Heck, I could be Alex's stunt double with that thing on. Or maybe, just maybe, his Daily Double Stunt Double...?

I'd also like to point out that when Trebek is 'stache-less (is that even a word?) he sorta looks like one of my closest friends, Mr. Peter Fairley. Coincidently, Peter shaved off his goatee around the same time Trebek parted ways with his mustache.

And on that note, I need more Dayquil.
- ryan

Boobies!

Yes, you clicked the right link today.

Basically today we'll be taking a look at two of my favorite things on this planet. Namely, boobies. If you wanna just call them "boobs" that's fine too. Whatever makes you happy. Just be sure that when you're in the company of boobies, you're happy. Nothing brings a smile to a guy's face (and some girls too.. the one's that are awesome) quite like breasts. So let us squeeze out a little history, cup on to some notions, and bounce around some thoughts that will ultimately go round and round your head all day.

Oh, and by the way, could you make a little eye contact please? 

Part 1. The History of Boobies
Boobies were created at the dawn of time when some God-person first created man. This is absolutley true no matter what faith or religion you follow. Before Adam and Eve were ever molded Goddius Maximus made a scientist out of Lego named Dr. Von Booblestein. He was lonely and removed his feet to create the very first set of boobies. Since Lego blocks were square and pointy, the first draft failed. They looked nothing like today's boobs at all.

Dr. Von Booblestein continued his work much through his later years and on his death bed he pronounced, "Should there ever be one to follow me on this great planet, than please let them be of the non-square-ish variety".

Booblestein's prayers were answered, and thus Adam was created. But he was lonely and wanted some boobies to look at, so a woman named Eve followed. You know the rest of the story. Adam stares at Eve's boobs and she realizes because of her boobies that she can make him do whatever she wants. She wanted an apple, yadda yadda, go read a book.

Boobies continued to be popular all thru history (except for during the Plague, cause they were all gross looking at that point) and continue to be very popular today. 

Part 2. Cleavage

What is it about Boobies that make us as men completely stunned and jaw-dropped? Well, to put it simply, They're Boobies. That is the only logical answer that could possibly exist.

There are many different types of boobies, which I will get into in a minute, but one thing is for certain: all of them look good when they're giving off cleavage. Cleavage is that one thing that women strive to achieve when putting on that tight shirt. Cleavage is that framed piece of artwork that makes men's eyes pop out of their heads... and their... no... I'm not gonna say it. Cleavage can be defined as A set of breasts that are pushed together with a bra to the point that they can hold a pencil between themselves. If the pencil falls, it ain't cleavage. 

Part 3. More Than A Handful
And that brings us to cup sizes. Some girls are not blessed with large boobies. That doesn't mean they're boobies are bad. No, not at all. Every woman has great boobies, and just because you can't get cleavage because you are "flat as a board" doesn't mean your boobs aren't great too. In fact, the A-Cup chest is a set of boobs with much to prove. Often overlooked by the dudes at the bar, you never know when these savages will escape their confines to poke someone's eye out. The next time you pass over a girl because she seems small-chested, just say to yourself, "Wait a sec... are they really missing, or are they just waiting for the opportune moment to strike?" Remember, no matter what, she has a nice set of personalities.

Some women have really large boobies and are constantly falling out of their shirts. There gets to a point where the boobs become too big and take on a life of their own. Fake boobs have a tendency of doing this to a person. One day a girl is just sitting there looking at her average boobs and says to herself "Wow, I have lots of student loan money left over... I should make my boobs bigger." Beware the risk of this. Fake boobs are a double-ended sword. They give pleasure to the eye, but they are really monsters inside that continue to grow and grow until the person has become nothing but breasts.

On the subject of different kinds boobs, some men have boobs too. They're called Man-Boobs. They're gross.

Moving on... 

Part 4. Famous Boobies
As a society, we are fascinated by boobies. Let's face it, when we were young we couldn't for the life of us figure out why our dads were listening to Dolly Parton records. Sure, 9 to 5 is a catchy enough tune, but it was her boobs that landed her that duet with Kenny Rogers, and it was her boobs that scored her that guest appearance on Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Take a look at Britney Spears. When she hit MTV with that video of her as a schoolgirl, she didn't really have any boobs. Then the next day, WHAMMO! She must've developed quickly or quickly spent the money she made off that first single. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I get my boobs enlarged.

Lindsay Lohan (God Bless her boobs) had to have her boobies made digitally smaller when she did that Herbie movie. That just goes to show that we are all so infatuated with them as a whole that we'll do anything just to play with them. 

Step 5. Boobie Nicknames
No good guide to Boobies would be complete without a list of Nicknames for these wonderful creations. So feel free to start calling boobies these:

• Fun Bags
• Hooters
• Dirty Pillows
• Knockers
• Melons
• Titties
• Ta-tas
• Torpedos
• Jugs
• Merv Griffins
• Balloons
• Chesticles
• Gazongas
• Sweater Muffins

In case you thought this was going to be a nature blog about the Blue Footed Boobies of South America, here's a link that will give you some info about them.
http://gosouthamerica.about.com/cs/galapagosislands/l/blpixwildbooby.htm.

Goodnight! And thanks for reading!

- ryan