The Tom Hanks Conspiracy

(Or, "Remember When Tom Hanks Was Funny?")

There was a time, and some of you won't remember these days, when Tom Hanks was a funny fella. Yes, the same Mr. Tom Hanks that has bored us with flicks like The Da Vinci Code and Catch Me If You Can. A younger, more comedic Tom Hanks giggled us through many trips to the theater, and many of these classics are seen Sunday afternoons on your local cable station's Movie of the Week.


(The Money Pit, Big, The 'Burbs, and Joe Versus The Volcano)
This Is Not Your Room... 
From 1986 to 1992, Tom Hanks was an unstoppable force of comedy genius, starting with The Money Pit and climaxing with A League Of Their Own. There was something quirky about his characters. They were ready to explode at any time. Just look at his character Ray in The 'Burbs or Walter in The Money Pit. They were slightly crazy, yet related to the every-man. Chances are you had a friend who was like Tom Hanks... or maybe you were just a little like Tom Hanks yourself. We watched Hanks morph from a small child into an adult and thought, Wow, that's just like how I feel!. We saw Hanks put up with the most annoying dog on the planet. We saw Tom Hanks hate his life and take a pile of money to throw himself into a volcano, only to find true love. We thought Tom Hanks would always be there at our side to make us laugh. 

Life Is Like A Box of Tom Hanks... You Never Know What You're Gonna Get...

Then came the big switch-a-roo. In 1995 Tom Hanks made the movie Apollo 13. This is when the world lost Tom Hanks. While in outer space filming his space scenes it is very likely that Tom Hanks was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with A Fake Tom Hanks. Yes, that's right. A fake Tom Hanks. One who isn't funny at all. Directly after Apollo 13, Hanks did voice work for Toy Story. Or did he? It is reasonable to assume that the aliens who replaced Hanks used this faker to do the voice work while they finished up the final touches on Hanks' duplicate body.


(Saving Private Ryan, Cast Away, The Ladykillers, The Da Vinci Code) 

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. 

All I'm saying is give it some thought. Tom Hanks hasn't made a good comedy since before Apollo 13, and the Aliens are the only possible reason why. Even when "Hanks" made The Lady Killers in 2004, which was supposed to be his return to comedy, it wasn't funny at all. So here's my proposal: Let's get NASA and all the armies of the world to join together just this once and go into outer space to find the real Tom Hanks. He's out there somewhere, surely making some lucky aliens laugh.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan