Blossom - season one and two

Whoa! First time on DVD!

You know, I'm not entirely sure what took me so long to review this DVD boxed set. Maybe I just didn't want to admit to anyone that I owned the six DVDs that make up the teenage adventures of Blossom Russo and her family. Nah, probably not.  As it is with most DVDs I bring home, my wife Dana instantly turned her nose up at this set. You might find that ironic, because Blossom herself is known for having a larger nose. But after watching one or two episodes she was hooked. I mean Dana, not Blossom's nose.

Honestly though, when this show was on TV, I sorta had a crush on Blossom. C'mon, it was 1991. I was only eleven years old... uh... on with the review! 

The Good: Since the first season was short, having started mid-way through the TV broadcast year, we actually get the first two seasons of Blossom in one set. The picture and audio are fine too. This DVD set was put together by Shout Factory, and they've done a great job with other TV shows such as Transformers and Punky Brewster. But the best part of this show is how even though it's incredibly dated with it's costumes and hair-styles (and guest appearance by Salt N' Peppa... someone gimme a Shoop!) the themes of the episodes are pretty timeless. Blossom is the story of a teenage girl becoming a woman in a house full of boys. Her mom is in France, so Blossom can't turn to her when she gets her first period, or wants to go to third base with her boyfriend. Don't worry, those were separate episodes. I'm sure Blossom wasn't the type of girl to let a guy shaboink her while on the rag. A nice bonus feature is the pilot episode with a very different cast so we can see how, thank God, the show never turned out to be. 

The Bad: Season Three isn't on DVD yet. At least I haven't seen it for sale anywhere. In the last episode of season 2, Blossom runs away with her boyfriend Vinnie and we're left with a cliffhanger. Hurry up and bring out season three already! Other than that, I see nothing wrong with Blossom on DVD. You might. But screw you.

The Verdict: Whoa! This is a really well put together package. The booklet inside is thought-out to reflect the mood of the series, and the best part of all was that I had a $25 gift card at Best Buy, so when I bought this set it only cost me $19. You might think that's too much for Blossom, but you're wrong.

And if I were smarter at the time, I would've kept a tally of just how many times Joey Lawrence says "Whoa!", similar to what I did with Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks. Oh well, maybe in Season three.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Working Out With Miss Piggy

I was at a vinyl record sale recently, and among the small pile of discs I picked up was this random album. Miss Piggy's Aerobique Exercise Workout Album only cost me $2, so even if the music sucked then I got my money's worth out of the cover. This record came out in 1982 during the heyday of exercise albums. We all remember Olivia Newton-John's album, Physical. To the best of my knowledge, Physical is the only record to have every song made into a music video. If I'm wrong, just say so.

But Miss Piggy's Aerobique isn't like the other exercise albums of the time. It's pretty apparent from the imagery on the cover. The photo actually wraps around to the back of the jacket to show champagne and chocolates. Like everything else Miss Piggy does, she has made this exercise album her very own.

Here is a direct quote from the liner notes: 

"Many people come up to moi, out of le bleu, to inquire how moi manages to remain so slimme and trimme in spite of moi's busy, demanding life as an international superstar. How is it, they wondeur, that I can possess such a fabulous physique, what with all the lavish brunches in ritzi hotels with moi's frog, the formal banquettes at embassies of the better nations, the glamorous garden parties with those teensy sandwiches with the crusts cut off, the pre-snooze snaques from room service with all the little dishes covered with hubcaps... Surely, they insist moi must have a secret." 

And those incredible liner notes are just the icing on the cake.

The music, as I'm sure you've already imagined never hit #1 on the Billboard Top 40, is light and fun. The first song, "Stereau Warmup" gets your hi-fi stereo system ready for such an album... keeping in mind this is 1982 and Glen Gulia hasn't even brought home a fancy new CD Player for Julia to try and play records on.

The second song, "Snackcercise", teaches you all about The Double Dip, the Jelly Rolls, and the Banana Split. These moves help you stay in shape while you eat the food you love. Even Kermit the Frog shows up for a little bit of a duet with Miss Piggy on, "Lift The One You Love". When Miss Piggy asks Kermit to lift her with his love he has to hesitate.

Piggy actually touches on "Propeur Nutrition" with 10 great points. My favorite was,

"Do not starve yourself. Your body needs food, and if you don't give it enough, it is just going to get up in the middle of the night when you aren't looking and go get some." 

Aerobique really isn't so much about the music though, as it is about the movement. This really is a great package to have in any record collection. The liner notes fold open to a poster of a sexy looking Miss Piggy with telephones and legwarmers. I felt that I couldn't fully explain this record without letting you read about the different moves in Miss Piggy's workout regimen. Click the picture below for a larger version.

In closing, I'd like to say that over the years I've bought a lot of shitty records simply because they had a funny looking album cover. But this is the first one that has really impressed me. I definitely got my two dollars worth. Maybe I'll get a bunch of Ryan-Fans together for a group workout session with this album.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

The Ninja Turtles Soundtrack

So we recently re-watched the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies.  My daughter has been on a huge Turtles kick lately.  I have good memories of seeing them all in the theater.  Yes, even part III.  I actually saw that flick in the theater.

The two sequels get a lot of flack for their cheesiness, but c'mon, they're movies about giant turtles doing karate and eating pizza.  How serious should it be?

But we're here today to talk about the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack of the first film.  I'd forgotten just how much I loved that cassette tape until I watched the movie again recently.  Did you know that soundtrack came in four different colored cassette tapes?  It's true!  You had your pick of red, orange, blue, and purple to represent which Turtle was your favorite.

I got the orange one.  Michelangelo was my favorite when I was a kid.  I think all kids like him the best, because my daughter picked Mikey as her favorite too.  It wasn't until I was older, and smarter, that I decided Raphael was the best.

This was 1990, and vinyl records hadn't been done away with just quite yet, only to have a popularity resurgence twenty years later.  My mom wanted to get the record for me because it was a couple dollars cheaper.  Something similar also occurred the previous year when I really wanted Prince's Batman soundtrack. I was convinced that I would somehow scratch the record.  I even remember telling my mom, "But I'm just a stupid kid!  I'll probably scratch the record!  A tape will last forever!"

So I just had to have an orange Mikey cassette. I begged and begged until my mommy caved in. 

And then the fucking Sam The Record Man was all sold out of orange cassettes.

So we had to go to MusicWorld on the other side of the shopping center to get an orange Turtles cassette soundtrack.  I listened to it so much that the track listing wore off, but that didn't matter - I had the bloody thing memorized.  Other than MC Hammer, I don't think there's anybody performing on that soundtrack that you kids today might recognize by name.  The instrumental Ninja Turtles theme is pretty good, but I remember being disappointed that it wasn't the same as cartoon theme.

For me, the two songs I kept rewinding back to were "Spin That Wheel" and "T-U-R-T-L-E Power".

And for some reason there are music clips from the movie with Splinter's monologue over top.  Not really songs you can sing along with or dance to, but neat to have on the soundtrack.

Here, give the whole thing a listen:

Don't you just want to grab a pizza after all that?

I'm ashamed (no, I'm actually really proud) to admit that when the first movie ended the other night and the credits were rolling along with "T-U-R-T-L-E Power", I still knew all the words to the song and could rap along.  Cause nothing is as bad-ass as rapping about the Ninja Turtles.  Most rappers claim to be from the streets, but let me tell you - Turtle rappers are from the sewers!  Fuck The Foot Clan comin' straight from Dimension X...

I don't know what came over me there.

It's important to note the appearance of Ya Kid K on this album, and her apparent love for all things Turtles.  You probably have no idea who she is at first, but she's the vocalist on such early 90s hits as "Pump Up The Jam" and "Move This" for Technotronic.  C'mon, you know "Move This"... "shake that body....shake that body... baby lemme show you how to do this... you gotta move this... you're doing fi-yi-yiiiiine..."

She actually sings in all three of the Ninja Turtles movies.  Go figure.  I don't tell many people this, but I had Ya Kid K's cassette tape, "One World Nation", from the early 90s.  I think I might be the only person who ever bought it.  And it wasn't until the other day when I looked Ya Kid K up on Wikipedia that I found out she's a girl.  Kinda thought she was a boy back in the day.  A cute boy, but a boy nonetheless.  Hmm, that's a story for another day.

All in all, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie had a pretty cool soundtrack.

The less said about Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze the better.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Newzinetter #11

Check out Newzinetter #11!
For a high-res version you can print off, make sure to hit up www.ryanfanclub.com

This month: 

• Yo Ryan! What's Been Goin' On?
• Top 11 Retitled Arnold Movies
• Review of some random rock n' roll comics
• Autoryography Chapter 93: my first visit to Swiss Chalet
• PinterRyan Recipe - meat sandwich
• #1 Fan of the month - Sheona
• and more!!!!!

Nurse... Hurry... Rhyme!

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

So, the dish ran away with the spoon?
Miss Muffet, oh I'll stuff it, 'til the moon
Grates into blue cheese with a sleaze
And I'll squeeze it 'til it bleeds.
Miss Muffet, you can huff it, and puff it
And blow down the chimney rockets.
I ain't got no money 'cause I don't need Pockets.
Lungs are fed, rest in the sun bed
One, two, skip a few, ninety-nine, one-hundred
Degrees; it's like Degrassi - junior got high,
AIDS of the eye, pregnant girls are classy.
So 3 little pigs in designer wigs fell into the gap
Fell into the gap, fell into the gap-trap;
Lil' bo-peep-show, give the dog a bone
Didn't think I'd get followed home
Her crooked smile could run a mile
At the sound of a snitch; Shitzu was her name.
You can't catch me I'm the gingerbread bitch!
The jack was nimble, the jack was long
And the mice don't know just what went wrong
"Help! Leave me be! Don't need my ex-to-see"
A red ridin' hoodlum at Miss Muffet's ear...
All the better to eat you, my dear

The Elvis Interview

 I had the great opportunity to chat with Elvis, and here's how it all went down...

Ryan: Hey King! First off, I wanna say just how much of an honor this is for me. I have always been a big fan of your music.

Elvis:

Ryan: Uh... okay. I guess you're probably a little shy, seeing as how you haven't really been in the spotlight that much over the last few years.

Elvis:

Ryan: How do you feel about the recent re-mixes of your songs? Is today's generation so over-glittered with stars like Britney, Justin, and Patsy Cline that there just isn't any room for the King anymore?

Elvis:

Ryan: That's okay. It's a hard question. I'll give you some time to think it over. But while you're here, I just want you to know that I'm a big fan of the song Suspicious Minds. May I ask where the inspiration for that song came from?

Elvis:

Ryan: Uh... not much of a talker there, are ya King? That's fair. I mean, someone of your talent and super stardom probably doesn't want to be associated with a half-talent like myself.

Elvis:

Ryan: Okay, moving along. Last year the music industry was saddened by the sudden death of the great David Bowie. How does that make you feel, especially since you're career has had the same kind of longevity? Do you think you'll be remembered after death in the same way that Mr. Bowie is?

Elvis:

Ryan: Do you ever look back upon it and say to yourself, "Wow, I can't believe the influence I've had on other artists over the years..."?

Elvis:

Ryan: Who would you say are your biggest influences?

Elvis:

Ryan: Uh... have you ever had influenza?

Elvis:

Ryan: Well, golly, look at the time! I really should get back to finishing up my new poem "Jailbait Rock". I want to thank you so much for your time, your patience today, and everything you've contributed to so many people's lives. Hope to see you around again sometime.

Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much.

What If Real Life Were Like Super Mario Bros?

Remember the cartoon called The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3? It's a horrible cartoon from the early 90s based on an incredibly good video game. Several times in the series, Mario and Luigi travel back to the real world which leads me to ponder, "What if real life were like Super Mario Bros."? 

Free Money!
You would never need to work for a living. All you'd really have to do is look around and you'd find money just laying on the ground. Sometimes it's hidden in boxes, but plenty of money is just laying there, ready for the taking. In the video game, when you collect 100 coins you get an extra life. So I would assume that in real life, the more money you have means you'll just live longer. Or maybe you can trade in your coins in the netherworld for another life. Hmm.... I'd better start saving up. 

Fire Is At Your Fingertips
In the video game, you can find a magic flower that gives you "Firepower". You can literally throw fire at the bad guys, and it's much easier than jumping on their heads. So imagine if in real life you could hurl a fireball at someone you didn't like. There you are, having a bad day at work, and on your way home some arsehole cuts you off at the intersection. Normally you just let them get away with it... but not today buster! One quick flick of your wrist and you'll be bale to roast marshmallows on them.


No Need To Breathe That Polluted Air Anymore
In the Mushroom Kingdom there is no need to breathe air. Need proof? Mario swims underwater and never needs to come up for air. Now, you might argue that maybe Mario can just hold his breath for the 200 or 300 second time limit for that water level, but c'mon let's face it. Mario is an overweight plumber. He can probably only hold his breath for 40 seconds tops. So imagine you could go underwater and not have to come up. You'd chill out at the beach, underwater, and check out all the girls in their bikinis. Well, that's what I would do anyway. 

White Men CAN Jump
Ever gotten something caught in a tree? Or stuck up on your roof? No problem! If real life were like Super Mario Bros. we'd be able to just jump to those tough-to-reach places. All we'd need is a running start and maybe a mushroom, because you can jump higher when you're big n' super from a mushroom. 

But let's be realistic here. After all, there are definitely two ways that real life IS like Super Mario Bros.

Stars
In the video game, when you touch a magic star you become invincible to everything else (except for maybe falling down a bottomless pit) and you're practically unstoppable. In real life, people that are considered "stars" are invincible and get away with just about whatever they want.

You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mario spends the whole game searching for Princess Toadstool, who is constantly "In Another Castle", and when he finally rescues her from the clutches of the evil King Koopa, he is forced back to the start of the game to do it all over again, but just a little harder. Now if that isn't a euphemism for real life, then I don't know what is.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 TGIF Shows

If this doesn't make you happy, you have no soul.

TGIF was the greatest night of the week when we were kids.

I mean it, man, TGIF is one of the rare things that actually brings together kids of the 80s and kids of the 90s.  Myself, having been born in 1980, was there for the inception and early years of TGIF, while those of you born circa 1990 would have been all caught up in the blossoming romance of Corey and Topanga.

So here are the eleven best shows to ever grace Friday nights on ABC.

11. Mr. Belvedere 
Mr. Belvedere fills up the end of the list because it was at the end of its run when TGIF started.  Personally, I never really considered the show to be part of TGIF, but technically it was there - and I remember loving the show as a kid.

I totally bought this mag.

10. Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
I was never, honestly, a viewer of this show.  It's on this list because of it's sheer popularity and longevity.  I did, however, buy the issue of Maxim magazine that featured Sabrina in some tastefully risque photos.  That right there is enough to get her on this list.
09. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
Hangin' was a show that never really decided what show it was going to be.  This was evident by how the theme song would change from season to season. A funny show, and Holly Robinson was always easy on the eyes for a boy of eleven.  I think this show really only existed because Raven Symoné needed a paying gig after the Cosby Show was done.  Still, it was a really enjoyable sitcom that got lost in the hype of the other TGIF monsters.
08. Sister Sister
It didn't matter what this show was about - it starred Jackée, and that was enough to get us to watch it.
07. Step By Step
I remember the premiere of this vividly, because I was so excited for a new show with Suzanne Sommers.  As a very little boy I used to watch the syndicated episodes of Three's Company.  Even though I didn't understand half the jokes in the show, I thought Three's Company was awesome.  Step By Step, a kind of new take on the Brady Bunch, gave us the line, "Dana Dana Dana - you're driving me insane-a", which I continue to use on The Lovely Wife to this day.
06. Dinosaurs
Not the mama! Not the mama!  Not the mama! 'Nuff said.

Do the dance of joy!

05. Perfect Strangers
Here's another show that helped created TGIF while it was already an established sitcom hit.  I consider Perfect Strangers to be one of the greatest sitcoms ever created, and Balki Bartokomous is one of the greatest sitcom characters to ever be on TV.  And, if it wasn't for Perfect Strangers, we would never have had Family Matters. So grab your cousin Larry, herd some goats, and do the dance of joy!
04. Full House
My favorite TV show of all-time, it seems like there's nothing I can say that I haven't already said about the Tanner family.  So why isn't it higher on this list?  How rude, you say!  Well, have mercy, because Full House was only a TGIF show for the first half of its eight year run.  So there.  Cut.  It.  Out.

03. Family Matters

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

I actually remember when this show got popular.  It originally didn't feature Steve Urkel, and I don't think he was even in the pilot episode.  But I remember being at school on Monday morning and everyone talking about just how funny Urkel was.  It didn't take long for the show to become all about him.  Poor Carl Weathers.  I wonder what he's up to now.  Anyway, my point is, that Urkel was so popular on TGIF that we were still talking about it the following Monday.  Usually the mind of a kid forgets shit over the weekend. Not Urkel.  We embraced him.  Well, at least for a couple seasons of the show.  Then we all hated him. 
02. 20/20
Some would argue that Barbara Walters' show wasn't actually part of TGIF, but I consider it a staple of Friday nights on ABC.  After watching two hours of fluffy family fantasy life, Mrs. Walters would start talking about some real shit.  I mean shit like date rape, drugs, abusive kidnapping parents, and - don't make me say it - tax evasion!   It's also the only remnant of TGIF that still airs today with new episodes.  Damn, the Barbara has some longevity.
01. Boy Meets World
No other show truly represents TGIF than Boy Meets World.  Even at the age of seventeen I found myself tuning in just to see what was happening with Corey and Topanga.  Okay, mostly it was to see how incredibly attractive Topanga was getting at she got older, but we all had our reasons.  When I first moved in with The Lovely Wife we had a goldfish named Mr. Feeny.  I'd also like to point out that Boy Meets World survived, having never really having a catch TV theme song or intro.  In a time where shows like Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, and other night's shows (Roseanne, Home Improvement, Friends, Seinfeld, and American's Funniest Home Videos) used a catchy song to get our attention, Corey and Topanga didn't fucking need one. 

So there you have it.  Is there a show I'm missing?  Do you think something else should be #1? Comment below!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Alice In Wonderland... with Stamos

Chances are you're familiar with the classic Disney animated feature of Alice In Wonderland. That cartoon has become stapled inside the consciousness of children all around the world, as many Disney movies have. It's a good cartoon, I'll give it that. Disney made fine animated features up until the early 90s and then I stopped liking them entirely. So what we have here is the 1985 Television Special of Alice In Wonderland which was so bloody long that it had to run in two parts. I first saw it on television in the early 90s when it was re-aired one Sunday afternoon on TBS. Clocking in at just a little over three hours long, this includes the moments from the books that were unfortunately left out of the Disney version. 

The Good: If you aren't already baked out of your mind when you watch this, the DVD will make you feel baked. There are a lot of very fucked up moments throughout the broadcast that make you shake your head to see if you're still completely with it or not. The cast is an all-star list of television stars from the 80s with some classic superstars added in. You've got Sammy Davis Jr. There's Beau Bridges. Scott Baio makes an appearance. And of course (and this is the real reason I bought the DVD), there's an appearance by John Stamos, who we all know is Uncle Jesse on Full House. The songs are written by Steve Allen and most of them are enjoyable and catchy. The little girl who plays Alice is full of charm and to coin a phrase, she's cute as a button. The Jabberwocky is menacing looking, even for an '85 television budget. And let's not forget Carol Channing and her crazy antics.

The Bad: This movie is really friggin' long. I wasn't kidding when I said you need to watch it in two parts, and luckily it's divided into ...Wonderland and Alice Through The Looking Glass. At some points you just wish everyone would stop singing to Alice, cause really, if you don't have the dancing skills of Sammy or the soft vocals of Stamos then you're going to be ignored rather quickly. Pacing wasn't something that director Harry Harris (I wish that was my name) was very concerned with it seems. After all, the growing-shrinking scene drags on for nearly five minutes, and that kind of slowness isn't needed so early in the show. Especially if you expect kids to sit through it.  But if you're on some wicked drugs when watching this, you won't notice the pacing problems. If you're like me and you're really just watching this movie for the Uncle Jesse appearance, then you'll be upset that you have to wait nearly two hours before you can have any mercy. And then Stamos' appearance is fairly limited. Just don't throw your TV out the window in anger, because I have given you fair warning. 

The Verdict: I picked this DVD up because I bought an Avril Lavigne CD for my niece's birthday and she already had it. So after giving her money to get what she wanted, I just decided to return Avril and get something with store credit. I stumbled across the Alice DVD and thought Hey, why not? I was pleasantly surprized that I enjoyed Alice In Wonderland far more than the first time I saw it in the early 90s. I'd recommend it as a great rainy day flick, cause it's a great way to kill three hours. And part of your soul.

- ryan

Wilford Brimley

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Are you still gonna love me
When I'm old just like Wilford Brimley
Every Sunday I'll cook you brekkie
Oatmeal with a cup of coffee
Tell me it ain't up to a toss of the dice
Cause growing old together could be so nice

Look at my hair falling out
All the way down to the floor
Been saying I'll fix the sink for three weeks
But my hands don't work so good no more
And look at your pretty smile
Just like the day that we met
The first way you said "I love you"
I swear to God I'll never forget

The future ain't coming any time soon
Tonight I'm gonna hold you under the moon
Thru the good and bad weather
I just wanna start a life together

Are you still gonna love me
When I'm old just like Wilford Brimley
Every Sunday I'll cook you brekkie
Oatmeal with a cup of coffee
Tell me it ain't up to a toss of the dice
Cause growing old together could be so nice

I know I left the bed a mess today
Just couldn't let go of the night before
And sometimes I lay around all lazy
Cause my legs don't work so good no more
You know what to say when I'm blue
Did you read it in a magazine?
Uncover every single hidden clue
Read the lines in between

Are you still gonna love me
When I'm old just like Wilford Brimley
Every Sunday I'll cook you brekkie
Oatmeal with a cup of coffee
Tell me it ain't up to a toss of the dice
Cause growing old together could be so nice

This Bag Is Not A Toy?

This bag is not a toy.
The hell it ain't!

Maybe Mr. Director of Child Health and Safety at the production plant just has no imagination.  This bag can clearly be a toy.

I don't know about you, but I don't really like being told what I can and can't do with the leftover packaging that my consumables come in.  I don't even remember what I bought that came in this baggy, but fuck them for thinking that I can't use this as a toy.  And hey, if I suffocate on it, or somehow get myself stuck in it and fall into a river and drown, then it's my own goddamn fault for being an idiot.  Or maybe my parents for not paying proper attention to what I play with.

What's this, you ask?  A Monopoly board?  Uh-oh!  Looks like I've landed on Pennsylvania Ave. and it has a hotel!  I hope I have enough cash to cover the debt.  Maybe I'll get lucky and the puppy dog will land on Baltic Ave. after it passes "GO".  I have a house on that cheap purple piece of shit.  Oh, and I don't know if the ship knows this or not, but if it rolls a perfect four it will land on Free Parking.  Check the rule book folks, there's no free money for Free Parking.  Stop twisting this beautiful game around to meet your own needs.
(Fun fact - I always use the Iron when I play Monopoly)

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi and in their Landspeeder here, heading to the Mos Eisley Cantina.  It seems as though little whiny Luke here just lost his Aunt and Uncle in a terrible fire, so he's running away to some planet called Alderaan to find a Princess.  I hope there's enough fuel in this speeder to get him to Mos Eisley so he can find a pilot!

 

If you're like me and you've already beaten all the Super Mario games, why not try some of these lost levels?  Just like any other classic NES game, you've gotta blow inside it first to get it to work - but don't blow too hard!  You might pop your game and then you've gotta ask your mom and dad to buy you a new one.  Now I'm playing with plastic bag power!

 

Look everyone!  It's Mr. Baggy-O-Head!  Are you lonely and in need of a friend?  Just stick some eyes, arms, feet, and a tongue on to Mr. Baggy-O-Head and never be without a companion!  This one actually reminds me of an old Howie Mandel bit where he said, "when I was a kid we were poor, and instead of having a Mr. Potato Head my parents used to let me just stick shit to my grandmother's face."

So there you have it.

This bag is not a toy? Fuck you, you fucking fucks.

I'm sure there are many other ways to use this as a toy.  I just took some pictures of it with things in the Fan-Cave.

It could be a wrestling ring, or the secret hideout for Dr. Doom, or even the teapot at a tea party for stuffed animals.  

If you get really creative I'm sure you can figure out a way or two or three to use this as a sex toy.  If you do - by all means, send me those pictures.

The point is, don't let the corporations tell you how to use your imagination.  This bag could be the ultimate super computer if you want it to be.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 After Sex Comments

Let's get one thing straight: I'm not suggesting you say ANY of these phrases after sex. I just think it would be hella fun to try it. And on with the list!

11. Now that's what I call a vagina! High five!

10. Don't worry baby. You just lay there... I'll go get the shop-vac and clean this up.

9. Hmm... I dunno honey. It still felt the same even though I was thinking of Taylor Swift.

8. That was the slam-banginest, vadge-pumpingest, elbow-deepest, knob-polishingest, buttered-toastingest, root-tootin' screw-ride since Harry met Sally!

7. Alright, that'll be twenty bucks, baby.

6. I think I'm going to start investing in IBM again. I dunno, just seems like the right time.

5. You go ahead. I'm gonna lay here for a bit and reflect upon what we just did and try to rank it in some sort of Top 11 list... don't worry, I'm sure you'll land in the top three or four...

4. Again tomorrow? Same Bat-time! Same Bat-Channel!

3. Well what did you expect it to taste like? Pomegranate? Chicken Cordon Bleu? I friggin' ate Spaghetti-O's today!

2. You're so beautiful. You're smart, sexy, and you give 110% when you make sweet love to me. Your body is like an ocean being discovered for the first time. When you moan so passionately, I can see new constellations forming. When you climaxed, my heart skipped a beat. And that little half-smile you made... wow. The look in your eyes right now is just so satisfying. What time did you say your husband would be home?

1. I think your poster of Justin Bieber is staring at me.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Boobies!

Yes, you clicked the right link today.

Basically today we'll be taking a look at two of my favorite things on this planet. Namely, boobies. If you wanna just call them "boobs" that's fine too. Whatever makes you happy. Just be sure that when you're in the company of boobies, you're happy. Nothing brings a smile to a guy's face (and some girls too.. the one's that are awesome) quite like breasts. So let us squeeze out a little history, cup on to some notions, and bounce around some thoughts that will ultimately go round and round your head all day.

Oh, and by the way, could you make a little eye contact please? 

Part 1. The History of Boobies
Boobies were created at the dawn of time when some God-person first created man. This is absolutley true no matter what faith or religion you follow. Before Adam and Eve were ever molded Goddius Maximus made a scientist out of Lego named Dr. Von Booblestein. He was lonely and removed his feet to create the very first set of boobies. Since Lego blocks were square and pointy, the first draft failed. They looked nothing like today's boobs at all.

Dr. Von Booblestein continued his work much through his later years and on his death bed he pronounced, "Should there ever be one to follow me on this great planet, than please let them be of the non-square-ish variety".

Booblestein's prayers were answered, and thus Adam was created. But he was lonely and wanted some boobies to look at, so a woman named Eve followed. You know the rest of the story. Adam stares at Eve's boobs and she realizes because of her boobies that she can make him do whatever she wants. She wanted an apple, yadda yadda, go read a book.

Boobies continued to be popular all thru history (except for during the Plague, cause they were all gross looking at that point) and continue to be very popular today. 

Part 2. Cleavage

What is it about Boobies that make us as men completely stunned and jaw-dropped? Well, to put it simply, They're Boobies. That is the only logical answer that could possibly exist.

There are many different types of boobies, which I will get into in a minute, but one thing is for certain: all of them look good when they're giving off cleavage. Cleavage is that one thing that women strive to achieve when putting on that tight shirt. Cleavage is that framed piece of artwork that makes men's eyes pop out of their heads... and their... no... I'm not gonna say it. Cleavage can be defined as A set of breasts that are pushed together with a bra to the point that they can hold a pencil between themselves. If the pencil falls, it ain't cleavage. 

Part 3. More Than A Handful
And that brings us to cup sizes. Some girls are not blessed with large boobies. That doesn't mean they're boobies are bad. No, not at all. Every woman has great boobies, and just because you can't get cleavage because you are "flat as a board" doesn't mean your boobs aren't great too. In fact, the A-Cup chest is a set of boobs with much to prove. Often overlooked by the dudes at the bar, you never know when these savages will escape their confines to poke someone's eye out. The next time you pass over a girl because she seems small-chested, just say to yourself, "Wait a sec... are they really missing, or are they just waiting for the opportune moment to strike?" Remember, no matter what, she has a nice set of personalities.

Some women have really large boobies and are constantly falling out of their shirts. There gets to a point where the boobs become too big and take on a life of their own. Fake boobs have a tendency of doing this to a person. One day a girl is just sitting there looking at her average boobs and says to herself "Wow, I have lots of student loan money left over... I should make my boobs bigger." Beware the risk of this. Fake boobs are a double-ended sword. They give pleasure to the eye, but they are really monsters inside that continue to grow and grow until the person has become nothing but breasts.

On the subject of different kinds boobs, some men have boobs too. They're called Man-Boobs. They're gross.

Moving on... 

Part 4. Famous Boobies
As a society, we are fascinated by boobies. Let's face it, when we were young we couldn't for the life of us figure out why our dads were listening to Dolly Parton records. Sure, 9 to 5 is a catchy enough tune, but it was her boobs that landed her that duet with Kenny Rogers, and it was her boobs that scored her that guest appearance on Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Take a look at Britney Spears. When she hit MTV with that video of her as a schoolgirl, she didn't really have any boobs. Then the next day, WHAMMO! She must've developed quickly or quickly spent the money she made off that first single. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I get my boobs enlarged.

Lindsay Lohan (God Bless her boobs) had to have her boobies made digitally smaller when she did that Herbie movie. That just goes to show that we are all so infatuated with them as a whole that we'll do anything just to play with them. 

Step 5. Boobie Nicknames
No good guide to Boobies would be complete without a list of Nicknames for these wonderful creations. So feel free to start calling boobies these:

• Fun Bags
• Hooters
• Dirty Pillows
• Knockers
• Melons
• Titties
• Ta-tas
• Torpedos
• Jugs
• Merv Griffins
• Balloons
• Chesticles
• Gazongas
• Sweater Muffins

In case you thought this was going to be a nature blog about the Blue Footed Boobies of South America, here's a link that will give you some info about them.
http://gosouthamerica.about.com/cs/galapagosislands/l/blpixwildbooby.htm.

Goodnight! And thanks for reading!

- ryan

Batman Cereal

Will it taste like justice?

About a week or so ago I wrote all about the new Superman cereal to promote Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.  My daughter pretty much devoured the box and then asked if we could try to the Batman cereal as well.

I was hesitant because, well, I didn't really like the idea of chocolate and strawberry together.  It just wasn't my cup of tea.  Or bowl of cereal in this case.  Regardless, she asked me about twenty times if we could get it, so I picked up a box of it.  And another box of Superman cereal.  That shit was tasty.

You should have seen her face when I picked her up from the school bus and told her I had secured a box of Batman cereal.  She lit up like a bat-signal.

The next morning when I woke her up I used the cereal to my advantage.  You see, Ryleigh is almost five years old but she's already exhibiting signs that she's a teenage girl.  Getting her out of bed in the morning should pretty much be an Olympic event and The Lovely Wife and I deserve at least silver and bronze medals for our efforts every day.

But I had an ace up my sleeve.  Or maybe a joker card would be more fitting.

"Ryleigh, wake up.  It's time to get ready for school."
".... still tired..."
"Get up. Go pee.  Brush your teeth.  Not at the same time, though.  Your mom gave me trouble for that once.  Apparently it's gross."
"...I just wanna stay in bed...."
"Remember, there's Batman cereal downstairs..."

"See kids, if you ask your parents enough times for something they'll cave in and get it for you every time"

She was downstairs in less than five minutes.

So we all had a bowl of this chocolaty-strawberry-cereal.  Well, not my son Grayson.  He likes his cereal to be just scattered all over the goddamn high chair tray.  Good thing he eats his cereal dry.  Just like daddy.  At first glance, the Batman cereal looks better than the Superman cereal.  You can actually tell this is supposed to represent the Dark Knight.

"It tastes like my parents are dead!"

The taste?  Not bad.  I didn't go wild for it.  Ryleigh, who likes milk on her cereal, got halfway through her bowl of Batman cereal and asked me to remove the milk.  Hmm.  Okay, and after the milk was gone she ate it right up.

So there's all this hype around the movie, and who's going to win the fight between Batman and Superman.  You can hashtag on Twitter who you think will win, and blah blah blah.  I don't think either of them will win in the movie, because they need to put the Justice League together.  None of that matters though, because we're talking about cereal.

Naturally, with the competition in the movie it seems only fitting to pick which cereal was better.  Everyone's taste buds are a little different, remember.  The next morning when I woke Ryleigh up for breakfast I asked her if she wanted some more Batman cereal.

"Nah, I think I'll have Superman cereal this morning."

Folks, we have a winner.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na no artificial flavoring!

Top 11 Rich People

Today we take a look at eleven rich people. Four of them just so happened to be bald. Coincidence? That could be a blog for another day. But really, if you've got all that money, you could afford a wig that at least looked real. Oh well, enjoy this list!

	#11 - Richie Rich (Harvey Comics) Sadly, Richie Rich used to be worth more than he is. Yeah, that poor little bastard spent forty million dollars in one candy shop. But don't think he's a spoiled little rich brat. While he may have inherited millions from his parents' fortune, Richie is always willing to share the wealth. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.3 Billion Dollars
	#10 - Lou Bond (Full House) Lou Bond used to live in the Tanner house when he was just a kid. After making millions in business he decided he wanted his old house back. The whole Tanner family was willing to sell, except for Michelle, who's little heart turned out to be the one thing Lou's money couldn't afford. Fucking idiot. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.6 Billion Dollars
	#9 - Lex Luthor (Superman) The only thing Luthor has more of than money is hatred towards The Man of Steel. Luthor has been able to buy whatever he wants his whole life. Women, cars, and people's morals are all possessions to ol' baldy. As the CEO of Lexcorp, Luthor practically owns half of Metropolis. Approximate Total Wealth: $3.1 Billion Dollars
	#8 - Billy Madison (Billy Madison) Billy, the heir to the Madison Hotels fortune, wasn't just handed his wealth. No, he had to work for it by re-doing his entire school career, from kindergarten to high school. Another wealthy man, with a good heart, he isn't shy about throwing parties for his friends. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars
	#7 - Scrooge McDuck (Duck Tales) Scrooge McDuck has so much money that he can swim in it... and he does! Everyone in Duckberg wants their hands on Scrooge's money, but luckily since Scrooge is a good person he gets help from his three nephews and Gizmo-Duck. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars + One lucky penny
	#6 - Willy Wonka (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory) Okay, the dude owns his own amazing chocolate factory. He can have pretty much anything he wants. But what he really needed in the end was a good friend like Charlie.  Though, having a glass elevator that can go pretty much anywhere is also pretty rad.  Imagine the dates you could have in that thing! Approximate Total Wealth: $7.9 Billion Dollars
	#5 - Prince Akeem (Coming To America) Akeem was so rich that he could've had anything he wanted in his home country. But he knew the only way to find true love would be to live like an ordinary man in Queens, New York.  Remember, when you think of garbage, think of Akeem! Approximate Total Wealth: $12.7 Billion Dollars
	#4 - Batman (Batman... duh!) By day he poses at Bruce Wayne, the only child of Thomas and Martha Wayne. He's the owner of Wayne Enterprises. But he takes his piles of money and uses them to get awesome gadgets for fighting crime.  You'd think he would use some of that moolah to make people forget about the awful Batman & Robin movie. Approximate Total Wealth: $19.9 Billion Dollars
	#3 - Mr. Burns (The Simpsons) If you're going to go big, go nuclear! It certainly doesn't hurt that Mr. Burns is like one hundred years old. He's had a lot of time to invest that money. He uses his money and power to watch over Springfield with his echoing vampire-like laugh. The city is pretty much already his, but the residents just don't know it yet. Approximate Total Wealth: $34.7 Billion Dollars
	#2 - Daddy Warbucks (Annie) Warbucks said it himself "I'm richer than Midas" in the song "I Don't Need Anything" from the Annie movie. He may not have the golden touch, but his billiard-ball head and oodles of money don't mean anything without his little orphan Annie.  It also doesn't hurt to have a bad-ass like Punjab hanging around protecting your assets, both physical and monetary. Approximate Total Wealth: $42.8 Billion Dollars
	#1 - "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (WWF) When DiBiase wasn't allowed to buy the WWF Championship, he did the next best thing. He created his own championship belt. The Million Dollar Belt is all gold and diamonds. DiBiase has so much cash kicking around that he could freely stuff $100 bills down peoples throats. He has his own personal bodyguard, Virgil, that will do anything for him. And he has the most vicious sounding laugh. Everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Approximate Total Wealth: $72.8 Billion + The Million Dollar Belt

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

He-Man & She-Ra - Hot Incest Love?

On the planet Eternia, twins were born to the royal parents King Randor and Queen Marlena. Before the tots were old enough to stop sucking on Marlena's boobs and start eating mushed up peas they were separated. Princess Adora, the girl of the two, was kidnapped by the evil Hordak. He stole her and ran away to the planet Etheria, much like Michael Jackson would run away with a small child to Neverland. Except, of course, that Michael Jackson would've kidnapped Prince Adam.

Years passed, and we all know that when Prince Adam raises his mighty sword and says, "By The Power of Grayskull..." he becomes He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. But for years, He-Man's twin sister was kept a secret from all of us. Then one day He-Man went on an adventurous quest to the planet Etheria and found his sister.

And she was a stone cold fox.

If you've never seen The Secret of The Sword (He-Man & She-Ra's feature film), I totally recommend it. It's basically an hour-and-a-half long episode of He-Man that reuses the same animation at least sixty times and has lots of background theme music that won't leave your head for weeks. He-Man (who doesn't actually know he has a sibling) is taken capture by Adora, who is working for the Evil Horde under the command of Hordak himself.

She chains up He-Man, who doesn't seem to mind the notion of being tied up by a leggy blonde all that much. He-Man pleads with Adora that she should stop being an evil bitch and start working for the good guys 'cause they kick ass. Well, except for that one guy Beau who is a big sissy.

After Adora has a bad dream, she discovers a sword just like He-Man's, and when she holds aloft her magic sword and says "For the honor of Grayskull...", then BAMMO! (Insert catchy music with a sing-a-long She-Ra, She-Ra)

This is where things get tricky. He-Man and She-Ra learn that they are in fact twins, but you can tell that He-Man still wouldn't mind sticking it in her. One of the first things they do as brother and sister is hug. Really close-like. Then they ride She-Ra's magical horse to save some dumb chick who couldn't help but get held captive so she could wait for a hero. He-Man insists on riding behind She-Ra on the horse, and while she probably feels some wiener rubbing at the back, the most powerful man in the universe is in perfect position to reach around and grab some animated Filmation boob.

Then there's more hugging. Seriously, these two hug almost as much as Danny Tanner. I don't know what things are like on Eternia and Etheria, but the only place I can think of on Earth that has as much brotherly-sisterly love is Napanee, Ontario. If you live in that town, chances are your nephew is your brother, who is also your cousin, who is also your grandma, who is Avril Lavigne.

After He-Man and She-Ra defeat Hordak, the movie ends and He-Man vows to make regular appearances on She-Ra's new show to help her sell more toys. And he does. About once every five episodes or so He-Man visits Etheria because he secretly is checking up on his sister to make sure she's not hooking up with that pansy-ass Beau. Here's a hint He-Man: Beau is clearly into dudes and is no threat to your incestuous rampage.

But is He-Man really interested in making the love to his own sister? Does he have urges to walk in on her getting out of the shower and using the "oops, didn't know anyone was here" excuse? There is no formal proof to suggest that the two have ever had 'sexual intercourse', let alone some simple spit-swapping. It's not like they have a little hero running around by the name of Kid-Child. I honestly don't think He-Man wants to shag his twin.

The reason?
He-Man is a huge Man-Whore!   

He-Man couldn't possibly have time to hook it up with his sister. Clearly he spends one-half hour of every day saving Eternia, and fifteen minutes of every day making a guest appearance to help save Etheria. When he's not being a super-hero, he's scoring with all kinds of ladies.

I've seen pictures of him flirting it up with Queen Bee, getting a kiss from Frosta, and carrying Teela off to the sunset. Even the most powerful man in the universe needs a break from pleasing the ladies.

But alas, He-Man has one true love. And that true love goes by the name of Skeletor. C'mon, he never once arrested the dude after trying to take over Eternia and Caslte Grayskull. He-Man lets Skeletor run loose to try again, and again, and again. That's because He-Man is in to the chase, and could never possibly commit himself to any one Princess of Power, or Master of the Universe.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan