He-Man & She-Ra - Hot Incest Love?

On the planet Eternia, twins were born to the royal parents King Randor and Queen Marlena. Before the tots were old enough to stop sucking on Marlena's boobs and start eating mushed up peas they were separated. Princess Adora, the girl of the two, was kidnapped by the evil Hordak. He stole her and ran away to the planet Etheria, much like Michael Jackson would run away with a small child to Neverland. Except, of course, that Michael Jackson would've kidnapped Prince Adam.

Years passed, and we all know that when Prince Adam raises his mighty sword and says, "By The Power of Grayskull..." he becomes He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. But for years, He-Man's twin sister was kept a secret from all of us. Then one day He-Man went on an adventurous quest to the planet Etheria and found his sister.

And she was a stone cold fox.

If you've never seen The Secret of The Sword (He-Man & She-Ra's feature film), I totally recommend it. It's basically an hour-and-a-half long episode of He-Man that reuses the same animation at least sixty times and has lots of background theme music that won't leave your head for weeks. He-Man (who doesn't actually know he has a sibling) is taken capture by Adora, who is working for the Evil Horde under the command of Hordak himself.

She chains up He-Man, who doesn't seem to mind the notion of being tied up by a leggy blonde all that much. He-Man pleads with Adora that she should stop being an evil bitch and start working for the good guys 'cause they kick ass. Well, except for that one guy Beau who is a big sissy.

After Adora has a bad dream, she discovers a sword just like He-Man's, and when she holds aloft her magic sword and says "For the honor of Grayskull...", then BAMMO! (Insert catchy music with a sing-a-long She-Ra, She-Ra)

This is where things get tricky. He-Man and She-Ra learn that they are in fact twins, but you can tell that He-Man still wouldn't mind sticking it in her. One of the first things they do as brother and sister is hug. Really close-like. Then they ride She-Ra's magical horse to save some dumb chick who couldn't help but get held captive so she could wait for a hero. He-Man insists on riding behind She-Ra on the horse, and while she probably feels some wiener rubbing at the back, the most powerful man in the universe is in perfect position to reach around and grab some animated Filmation boob.

Then there's more hugging. Seriously, these two hug almost as much as Danny Tanner. I don't know what things are like on Eternia and Etheria, but the only place I can think of on Earth that has as much brotherly-sisterly love is Napanee, Ontario. If you live in that town, chances are your nephew is your brother, who is also your cousin, who is also your grandma, who is Avril Lavigne.

After He-Man and She-Ra defeat Hordak, the movie ends and He-Man vows to make regular appearances on She-Ra's new show to help her sell more toys. And he does. About once every five episodes or so He-Man visits Etheria because he secretly is checking up on his sister to make sure she's not hooking up with that pansy-ass Beau. Here's a hint He-Man: Beau is clearly into dudes and is no threat to your incestuous rampage.

But is He-Man really interested in making the love to his own sister? Does he have urges to walk in on her getting out of the shower and using the "oops, didn't know anyone was here" excuse? There is no formal proof to suggest that the two have ever had 'sexual intercourse', let alone some simple spit-swapping. It's not like they have a little hero running around by the name of Kid-Child. I honestly don't think He-Man wants to shag his twin.

The reason?
He-Man is a huge Man-Whore!   

He-Man couldn't possibly have time to hook it up with his sister. Clearly he spends one-half hour of every day saving Eternia, and fifteen minutes of every day making a guest appearance to help save Etheria. When he's not being a super-hero, he's scoring with all kinds of ladies.

I've seen pictures of him flirting it up with Queen Bee, getting a kiss from Frosta, and carrying Teela off to the sunset. Even the most powerful man in the universe needs a break from pleasing the ladies.

But alas, He-Man has one true love. And that true love goes by the name of Skeletor. C'mon, he never once arrested the dude after trying to take over Eternia and Caslte Grayskull. He-Man lets Skeletor run loose to try again, and again, and again. That's because He-Man is in to the chase, and could never possibly commit himself to any one Princess of Power, or Master of the Universe.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Just Say You Love Me

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

I can't believe you came to Paris
Was it just to see me?
I held you so tight to never let go
Freshly-squeezed, I'm so greedy
I stared while you left again
I love watching you work
I scribble your name in my office
Reporting about you is my perk

Just say you love me
I will not kneel before another
When my world crumbles around me
I know you'll be my saviour

Remember when we pretended we were married?
See, you CAN read my mind
Sorry to make you sleep on the complementary couch
How could I have been so blind?
And you're the one with the specs
Two become one, freshly-squeezed
I see this only getting more complex
But for now, let's be pleased

I watched you voluntarily lose your world
You looked so in pain it made me cry
You did it all for me... for us
And we made love just you and I
Freshly-squeezed, start a life together
"Excuse me sir, would you care to step outside?"
The odds, three to one, but still you win
My heart collapses when worlds collide

I didn't close my eyes at all last night
You tell me that I'll meet somebody
Only you makes me feel like I'm flying
I'm jealous that you belong to everybody
Freshly Squeezed, I want us to be
I don't know what to say
Just say that you love me

One last kiss, I'll forget it all

Just Who Is Bon Jovi Anyway?

Are you ready to LET IT ROCK? Are you ready to LET IT ROLL?

If you have decided to answer "YES" to both of those questions and raise your hands at the same time, then you are ready to partake in the Bon Jovi experience. So grab a bottle of Dos Equis, point to a random spot on a map of New Jersey, and make out with your sister's cute friend... because it is time we gave love a bad name.

Bon Jovi is one of those bands that is so awesome that you either love them or you hate them. And if you hate them then everyone else wonders why you hate them. Take my wife for example. She can't stand Bon Jovi. That doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her wrong. Bon Jovi could provide the soundtrack to our lives. They help us keep the faith. Or something like that.

Sometimes it isn't very cool to like Bon Jovi. This was mostly true between 1995 and 2001. But we'll get to that in a bit. Just remember, that when someone sees your Bon Jovi t-shirt and says "Jon Bon is a Fag!" you have every legal right to kick his/her ass. 

There Are Really Two Incarnations of Bon Jovi
It's true! Bon Jovi released their first album in 1984 and rocked hard through albums such as "Slippery When Wet", "Keep The Fait", and the perfect "New Jersey" well until 1994 when their Greatest Hits compilation (Crossroad) came out. They totally rocked too. You could party to their music. You could get drunk and make out with your Aunt and it would still be okay because you were listening to Bon Jovi. Chances are, if you were a teenager between '84 and '94 then you even wore your Bon Jovi t-shirt in the shower.

After their Greatest Hits album came out though, the music world changed. And Bon Jovi was just too good to change with it. Vinyl had already been replaced by Cassette Tapes, and those tapes were doomed to be replaced by CDs, and nobody even knew what an mp3 was at this point. Bon Jovi just took one good look at the world and decided they were needed elsewhere.

Yes. Bon Jovi piloted a spaceship to the outer regions of Siuqesod 2 where they have been rocking and getting people to raise their hands for fifteen years. The song "Always" was actually a poetic 'good-bye' of sorts to our planet.

But Jon Bon wasn't an idiot. He knew that if Bon Jovi left the planet without a replacement then there would be mass hysteria and destruction. So he cloned the band, and then cloned himself again for good measure before saying so long to us all. The problem with this is that clones aren't perfect. Did you ever copy your favorite Bon Jovi tape for a friend, but that dubbed tape you made didn't sound just right? That's because it was an imperfect duplicate. Kinda like Bizarro in the Superman comics (which is a neat analogy because Jon Bon has a Superman tattoo on his arm) or that wonderfully awful movie Multiplicity with Michael Keaton (whom was never a card-carrying member of the great Bon Jovi).

This new Bon Jovi tried to rock on their 1995 "These Days" album, and there were moments of greatness there, but ultimately the teens of the 90s just didn't care. So "Bon Jovi" (the clones) disappeared for a while and returned in 2001, which was just long enough for everyone to forget about the real Bon Jovi.  The new band, which I will call Clone Jovi (or maybe Bon Clovi, you can pick which you like best) cranked out hits like, "It's My Life", "Have A Nice Day", and "You Want To Make a Memory".  These fucking clones even recorded a country album in the name of Bon Jovi.  The new kids really liked it, and they raised their hands.  But we all knew better.  The real Bon Jovi was conquering the world of outer space rock n' roll.

C'mon, I couldn't make this shit up. 

Jon Bon, The Actor
That second Jon Bon clone I mentioned earlier is the dude who does all the acting. If you've seen that National Lampoon movie "Pucked" then you can tell that isn't the real Jon Bon, but an imposter. A clone. 

...What The Hell Is Heavy Metal?
In the 80s Bon Jovi was considered heavy metal.

You might think that's fucked up, but heavy metal has really changed over the years. Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith were heavy metal once. When you look at today's "heavy metal" versus the classic stuff you can see that heavy metal has just gotten heavier. It's louder and more distorted. There's more screaming than singing. Maybe I'm getting old. It's not that I don't like the new stuff, I'm just pointing out the differences. 

And Their Best Album Is...
I've been arguing this for years. Most people consider "Slippery When Wet" to be the definitive Bon Jovi album. I'm here to tell them that they're wrong. So let's do a Top 5 list. 

Top 5 Bon Jovi Albums
1. New Jersey
2. Slippery When Wet (hey, it came in second place!)
3. Bon Jovi
4. Keep The Faith
5. These Days

And for good measure, here's a list of their best songs. 

Top 11 Bon Jovi Songs
1. Raise Your Hands
2. Runaway
3. Bad Medicine
4. Lay Your Hands On Me
5. In & Out Of Love
6. I Believe
7. Born To Be My Baby
8. She Don't Know Me
9. In These Arms
10. I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
11. Any other song that came out before or during the "Crossroads" Greatest Hits album.

So in the long run, Bon Jovi is just plain incredible. It took me over an hour to write this blog because I felt the need to keep one hand raised the entire time in honor of their music. Now that I think about it though, why did Bon Jovi tell us to raise our hands, and then write a song called "Lay Your Hands On Me"?

With the band living in outer space, I guess we'll never know.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Good God, I Want A Power Glove

"It's so bad."

The Nintendo Power Glove was one of those defining toys of a generation. Our parents had ray-guns. We had Nintendo. We were truly playing with power. That is, until 1992 when we stopped playing with power and started playing with Super Power! But that's a story for another day.

Most of us were given our first view of a Power Glove in the movie The Wizard, starring Fred Savage. If you've never seen it, go rent it or stop by my house to watch it with me. If you're a pretty girl I'll even make popcorn. It has some great lines such as "He touched my breast!", "Cal-i-for-nee-ya", and "This one's called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". Sure, the movie is really a 90 minute Nintendo ad, but at least it's entertaining.



Without spoiling the truly deep plot of The Wizard, we can examine the spotlight that was the Power Glove... and Lucas.

Yes, that's right Lucas! He's quite possibly the greatest Nintendo player who ever lived. Other Nintendo-ers fear his name alone. Some of us have peed our pants just thinking of challenging this legend. He's not just good at one game. No, no, he's beaten them all! In fact, Lucas is such a threat to every other Nintendo-nerd's very existence that he even has flunkies that do dirty work for him. His minions search out those who can wield a NES controller with grace and persistence. They look for those who know the secret of "up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-a-b-a-b-select-start". Then they bring them before Lucas, their king.

Swiftly, and without any sign of empathy, Lucas has destroyed all those that have challenged his Nintendo greatness. His only defeat (and one that shouldn't count because it was a three-person game) came at the hands of Jimmy at the end of The Wizard. Lucas must have let Jimmy have that victory to feel better about himself. It just goes to show that Lucas isn't a total dictator in the many worlds of Mario.

I have decided that it is upon my shoulders to get a power glove while defeating Lucas and freeing the rest of the Nintendo players from his tyranny. And thus begins the greatest duel in the history of all histories... 
Lucas versus Ryan! 
Here's how the combatants match up:

	LUCAS	RYAN
Game of choice	Rad Racer	Bubble Bobble
Quote	"I love the Power Glove.  It's so bad."	"I have a penis.  And it's really cool."
Mario, Luigi, or Princess?	Princess... she can fly.	Luigi... he has something to prove.
Would he touch her breast?	Probably already did.	Would've as a kid.
Number of lines in Tetris	157	168
Sworn enemy	Jimmy, who won the tourney.	Scott, who often wins at Monopoly.

Announcing today's festivities are none other than my old friend The Lord of Chaos.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Ryan challenged Lucas to a game of Rad Racer? Wow, lemme tell ya I haven't seen such a display of finely crafted technique in years! In fact, I've barely done anything in years! Lucas stated he would only do battle in his castle, and when Ryan showed up he exclaimed 'Bring it on, Jesus!'. Ryan grabbed his controller and hit the start button. Lucas grabbed the Power Glove, but was quickly stopped by Ryan. Lucas agreed to not use the greatest weapon ever, and that if he were to win, it would be honorably with a NES controller. What happened next was a landslide victory for Lucas. Ryan never stood a chance against his Royal NESness. Oh well, win some, lose some!"

Well, I still don't have a Power Glove...but I really want one. If I find one at a Flea Market I'll definitely buy one. If anyone out there has one they'd like to give me as a nice early Christmas present, I'd cherish it forever.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 TV Dads

Being a dad is hard work.  Luckily, I have a really great dad who role modeled how important being a dad is.  Also, I watched a lot of family sitcoms growing up.  So, when you add these eleven dads with mine, you might say I have the best of twelve worlds.

	#11 - Danny Tanner TV show: Full House While I may be the biggest fan of this show in the world, and I wait anxiously for season seven to be released on DVD, Danny was a clean freak who needed help from Uncle Jesse and Joey Gladstone. Danny couldn't do it on his own.
	#10 - Willie Tanner TV show: ALF Hey Willie!  There's two Tanners on this list!  I wonder if they're related?  Willie the type of dad who would let their kids bring home the pets they found in the park.  And it just so happens his kids found an alien in the garage.
	#9 - Carl Winslow TV show: Family Matters While putting up with the whining of Steve Urkel, Carl managed to be a police officer... and it's rumored he sold cocaine on the side to make ends meet.
	#8 - Tim "The Toolman" Taylor TV show: Home Improvement Was Jill really sleeping with Al Borland? I mean Tim's heart was always in the right place, but really man do you need to go to Wilson for everything?
	#7 - Alan Matthews TV show: Boy Meets World Mr. Feeney was the real father... Al is only here cause I think the mom on that show was hot. I know, I'm a sick, sick man.
	#6 - Nick Russo TV show: Blossom This rock n' roll guy married a hot British chick, and never once did he crack and murder his son Joey for shouting "Whoa!"
	#5 - Jason Seaver TV show: Growing Pains Not only did he have a typical "dad" haircut, but he also did Woolco advertisements. Yeah, hardly seems fair to get number five.
	#4 - Steven Keaton TV show: Family Ties Much like Russo, Steven here never snapped from hearing "Yo Mallory!" everyday, and that's much more harsh on the ears. He was a dirty hippy who had to deal with a capitalist son.
	#3 - Al Bundy TV show: Married... With Children Scored four touchdowns in one game. 'Nuff said.
	#2 - Dan Conner TV show: Roseanne He was a real dad. The type of dad that real people have. He wanted to murder all of his daughters' boyfriends. And that's what real dads want to do.
	#1 - Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable TV show: The Cosby Show With everything that's come to light about the Cos over the last couple years, I think it's important to remember Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable as the ultimate dad.  There's no reason we should let reality alter our perceptions of the family life the Huxtables had. I know it's hard, but really - search your soul and you'll see - Dr. Huxtable was the dad we all wanted to have.  With his Jello pudding, Kodak film, jazz music, and rape drugs.  I mean, wait... what.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Deep Down, Everyone's A Leafs Fan

Who knew Skeletor was a fan!

There, I said it.
Now before you get all up in arms about this, hear me out: Let's not forget that I'm proudly wearing my Cam Neely Bruins sweater as I write this blog. But really, deep down we're all Leafs fans in one way or another.

Let me explain.

You see, there are three types of people in this world, which we are about to explore:

Die-Hard Leafs Fans
We all know someone like this. They're a Leafs fan. They're dad was a Leafs fan. His dad was a Leafs fan too. It's hereditary.

These are the people you see in your neighborhood that wake up, get in their car and drive to Tim Horton's to pick up a couple double-doubles or triple-triples and bring them back home instead of just making their own coffee. These people really exist. They need an entire garbage bag each week just for their Timmie's cups. Surely you've seen the "TML" flag blowing in the wind on the radial of their car. They might even sport an homage mustache to Wendel Clark.  Okay, that last one would even impress me.  Wendel Clark kicked some ass back in his day.  The 'stache.

Oh yes, the Wendel mustache turns their wives on in ways that vibrators just can't do.
These are the fans that will shout at bars after the first game of the season. You'll hear, "Dynasty! Dynasty!" And it'll be after edging out the last-place Columbus Blue Jackets in overtime. (Note: This blog will NEVER become dated so long as the BJs aren't willing to get their shit together)

These fans also have the number "67" tattooed on their arms, or incorporated into their license plate somehow... "LEEFS67"... to represent the last time Toronto actually won a Stanley Cup. It's not wise to mention to these particular Leafs fans that the last time Toronto won that Cup though, television was still only in black and white. Some of them might believe there's some color on the cup, and it's not just different shades of grey.

Casual Leafs Fans

Me in '95 or '96

Yeah, that was me on the right. I was the prime example of a "Casual Leafs Fan" in the early 90s.

You see, every so often Toronto actually puts a team together worthy of some excitement. And if they can't, they just change their coach or their logo or get a new mascot.  One of those is bound to bring in a cup.

In 1992-93 the Maple Leafs made one of the largest trades in NHL history with the Calgary Flames. In doing so, they acquired Doug Gilmour who really added some depth and grit to the team. All of a sudden, they were winning games, and people weren't so ashamed to cheer for Toronto anymore. I was also an impressionable youth of twelve years old, and I caught this "blue n' white fever" too.  I had previously been cheering for the LA Kings and had a sweet Gretzky jersey.  The kids at school asked if I were a B-Boy, but I didn't know what that was at the time.

That year, the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup. And I truly believe that WAS Toronto's year. There's lots of controversy about the Leafs/Kings semi-final series that I'm not going to get into here. I just don't care that much anymore.

Sure, I continued to cheer for the Leafs for another few years, but once the team became all about Mats Sundin and Owen Nolan, I totally jumped ship. And this is common of most "casual" Leafs fans. Once they realize that Toronto isn't doing anything to try and actually make the team better, they just lose interest altogether. The lifespan of a casual Leafs fan is somewhere between four and five years.

The Toronto Make-Me-Laughs
The last type of Leafs fan is everyone else. See, you don't have to actually like The Maple Leafs to be a Leafs Fan. Hockey fans who don't cheer for Toronto LOVE to see them lose. And this, in a way, is sort of being a fan. We're fans of watching them lose. And we're fans of listening to those "Die-Hards" go on about how unstoppable the Leafs are while they suck back on their Timmie's.

"The Leafs are the best!"
"Uh... why?"
"Because they're the Leafs!"
"Umm... I don't really see how --"
"Go Leafs go!"

Go where? That saying, "Go Leafs Go", has got to be the stupidest phrase ever uttered by anyone. Not only is it just bad English, which can be expected after your third or fourth double-double of the morning, but it doesn't really mean anything. Fans do it for other teams too and I don't know why.

So as you can see, one way or another, we're all fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. You can go ahead and kill yourself now.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Pizza. It's Important.

Pizza is a staple in the world of food, and over time everyone seems to have become a know-it-all about it. It seems like just yesterday there was no such thing as Dipping Sauces. Frankly, the world was better before them. Let's look at my guidelines to what makes good pizza, because after all, I know everything. And while you're at it, check out my music video: Kinda Like To Order A Pizza. 

(Sorry in advance for the nightmares you're going to have)

Frozen Pizza Is Very Bad
Have you ever actually had a frozen pizza turn out properly? Fuck no. They're always over-cooked in one spot and still frozen at others. Then the bottom is impossible to cut through.

Frozen pizza used to be an affordable alternative to real pizza. But now you're lucky to get one for under $7.99. Really, just shell out the extra fiver for a good pizza.

Have you seen that frozen pizza commercial that claims, "Just like Mama used to make back home"? Those people are goddamn liars. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't get pizza from a liar. 

Italian Names
The best pizza comes from places with Italian names. I usually get mine from places called Tata's, Gino's, and sometimes Mama Mia. "Pizza Hut" is not an Italian name. Neither is "Dominos".  Pretty sure "Little Caesar's" is a Greek Name.  "Papa John's"?  That's like taking an Irishman and pretending he's Italian.

"Pizza Pizza" is not only Un-Italian, but my friend Johnny would also point out that it's redundant too. So when you order pizza, look for some greasy, local joint named "Fat Anthony's" or something like that. 

Pepperoni Goes Under The Cheese
Anyone who says differently is a terrorist.

I actually ordered a pizza from this one place (their redundant name will be left unsaid) and they actually told me that if I wanted the pepperoni under the cheese then all the veggies would have to go under too. It's not like I'm asking for diplomatic immunity here... I just want the pepperoni to go under the cheese. What a bunch of bastards. Why would they have to put everything under the cheese? I didn't realize there was such a thing as Pizza Communists. 

Pineapple (Blech!)
Speaking of toppings...
Pineapple. Really? Who's stupid fucking idea was that? Pineapple belongs in a fruit salad, or in a can in ring form.  Or on top of a pretty dancer's head. Not on top of pizza.

Fucking pineapple... 

No 2-4-1's Allowed
This is just a simple economics lesson:
Let's suppose you spend $13 on your pizza. Every business has about a 30-40% markup. So there's a cost of about $9 to your pizza. Let's minus $5 for labor and we're left with $4 for materials.

If they're giving you two pizzas for the price of one we divide that $4 in half and are left with $2 worth of ingredients in your pizza. What the hell kind of shitty-ass quality ingredients are they using on your two pizzas? Cheese is expensive and so is meat. Granted, the pizza people must buy in bulk... but really... you must be getting Grade C meats.

Even the slices from these places are awful. Surely you've been craving pizza while drunk and you stumble into your downtown cheap pizza place and you gaze upon the slices that have been sitting there for 2 hours. You know the pepperoni is in the wrong spot on top of the cheese. You can see that the cheese is hard and not gooey. The guy working there barely speaks English and doesn't know where Italy is. You reach into your pocket and pull out $2.49 in loose change that you wouldn't dare leave to an attractive waitress giving you booze. You think to yourself, "this is just enough for a slice". So you buy one. And it sucks.

Meanwhile, four blocks up the street, Fat Anthony's is getting ready to close down shop for the night and the slices left over in their display are all on sale for 50 cents because they've been sitting and the quality isn't quite there anymore. Clearly, you lose. 

Poor Man's Pizza
Lastly, I'm going to bring up something often overlooked, and that's "Poor Man's Pizza". Because you can't always afford to get the good stuff delivered and you don't want to waste your money on shitty frozen pizza. Buy some hamburger buns, a can of Ragu, and a small brick of mozarella and make some Poor Man's Pizza. It isn't really pizza, but it makes for a nice snack sometimes.

And on that note, I'm going to call Tata's. All this talk about pizza has me craving some pepperoni under the cheese. Keep watching that music video, and I'll see you later.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Bea Arthur Is A Total Babe

I've been saying this for years.  And even after she passed away.

You know it's true. You've seen those re-runs of The Golden Girls. You stopped watching when Bea Arthur left the show and the rest of the dinosaurs relocated to The Golden Palace. You know it's true.

Bea Arthur was one sexy beast. I mean, just look at her. The hair. The lips... hell, even that raspy voice of hers made you want to do the dirty in her bed. Admit it, you'd have liked to have shouted "Oh Dorothy Zbornak" in the heat of passion. You know it's true.

Bea (miss Arthur to those who don't find her sexy) also shared her beauty secrets with the rest of the universe. Yup, she did some cosmetics ads for Shoppers Drug Mart many-a-year ago. Bea was so hot that everything around her caught fire.

I don't know if she had any children, but I'm assuming she didn't. Why? There is no human being with enough good looks capable to matching up to her. She'd have ended up with an ugly child by default. Not even the raw man-power of Victor Newman could impregnate this pure goddess.

So in closing, Bea Arthur is definitely still a total babe. A simple kiss on the cheek from her would send my libido into overdrive.
- ryan

Sesame Street Fever. Yes!

Remember disco?

Nope. Seems like disco is the only fad that hasn't come back into style yet. Even when people said, "The 80s will never return," we still end up with Karl Wolf riding around in a Delorean.

But disco was definitely a state of mind more than a forgotten time period... kinda like Medieval Europe or Spider-Man 2099. The high point of disco was Saturday Night Fever, featuring John Travolta dancing around in an unforgettable white jumpsuit. Fuck, he looked like a bad-ass super-hero. Disco was so popular in the late 70s that even Kiss did a disco song. Hell, the Star Wars theme was re-recorded as a disco fever dance track. And Jim Henson must've enjoyed the sweet beats of disco too, or he would've never allowed his Muppets to take part in such an experiment. 

The Good: Believe it or not, this album reached #75 on the Billboard charts. If you like dancing, you'll probably like this record. If you enjoy disco, then you'll definitely get a kick out of it. Musically, it's really good. I mean, as good as disco ever really was. It's very professional sounding, but then again, both Sesame Street and the Muppets were well-known for quality and a great attention to detail. Included are classic Sesame Street songs that are re-made for the disco era (Rubber Duckie and "C" Is For Cookie). And if you're a Bee Gees fan, Robin Gibb is on the album, giving it some credibility on the disco streets. If you don't enjoy hearing the count say, "1... 2... 3... Ha, I'm counting in disco!" then you just aren't human. The cover is a tribute to the Saturday Night Fever album artwork, and I believe it's a masterpiece. Or perhaps a Monsterpiece? 

The Bad: There is absolutely nothing wrong with Sesame Street Fever.  If you think there is, you can go fuck yourself in the arse. 

The Verdict: You can get this record in many thrift shops for about fifty cents, and if you don't have a record player, then you've still gotten your money's worth from the photos inside. Disco may be dead, but Sesame Street Fever will live forever in our hearts.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Superman Cereal

I'm pretty excited for Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, but when I saw some ads for the two new cereal tie-ins, I said to myself, there's no fucking way I'm buying those.  That's just stupid.

Then the other day I was grocery shopping with the family and saw them on the shelf.  And I actually saw the last box of each kind the store had.  Superman's is a Caramel Crunchy Thing that apparently looks like puppy kibble and then Batman's is chocolate and strawberry together.

How either of these are supposed to represent the characters I'll never know.

Batman's cereal at least looks like something you'd expect from Batman - small black bats.  Superman's though, tries to look like the diamond shape for the "S" emblem.  And that's all it does is try.  Maybe they were "hoping" that we'd just go along with it.  See what I did there?  Hope?  Superman's "S"?  Hope?  Get it?  Get it?

You don't get it.

So anyway, I saw these boxes of cereal before my kids did and pretty much shit my pants with excitement.  I couldn't explain it in the moment, but eventually realized that these cereals made me feel like a kid again.  You see, when I was a kid, I had Superman French Fries and Superman Peanut Butter.  That shit was real.  And tasty.  You can YouTube some commercials for Superman Peanut Butter if you don't believe me.  And it's not like some of the other movie tie-ins you see these days - Star Wars, Frozen, Avengers characters on Honey Comb, Shreddies, and Frosted Flakes.

Shake yo' S, watch yo-self, shake yo' S, Save the Daily Planet

Fuck no, these are Superman and Batman's own cereal.  

It's not just a box of Sugar Crisp with a picture of Superman on it.  This is a cereal inspired (somehow, though I still don't really get it) by The Man of Goddam Steel.  That's way more awesome, and makes me far more interested in trying it.

(Side fun fact - in the mid-90s when I was at the height of my nerdy collecting, I had a box of Corn Flakes with Val Kilmer's Batman on the box.  I saved that box of cereal for about four or five years because I thought it might be worth money some day.  Then when I was living on my own for the first time and hungry because I spent all my food money on booze, I opened up that old-ass box of cereal and ate it.  Didn't shit right for a few days after.)

"Who's better, Batman or Superman?"... "Elsa and Anna."

Back to the adventure!

So I grabbed both boxes to let my daughter Ryleigh pick which cereal we should get.  I'm a bigger Superman fan at heart, so I thought it would be fair to let her pick.  I wasn't going to buy both, because that doesn't set a very good parenting example.  Don't get me wrong though, if there was another dad eyeing them up behind me, ready to pounce on whichever one I didn't choose, then I would have bought them both.  Fuck him, whoever he may be in my imagination of events that didn't happen, but could have.

Ryan: "Okay Ryleigh, should we get the Chocolate Strawberry Batman, or the Caramel Crunch Superman cereal?"
Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmmmmm......."
Ryan: "Batman or Superman?"
Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmm...... ummmmmm......"
The Lovely Wife: "...what do either of those flavors have to do with the characters..."
Ryleigh: "Hmmmmmmmm....."
Ryan: "Okay, we're getting Superman.  You took too long to decide."
Ryleigh: "But!...."

And that people, is how you parent.

Oh no!  It's Kryptonite!

So we tried the cereal this morning.  I ate it dry, and Ryleigh had it with milk.  She must have really liked it, because she downed it all in half the time it normally takes her to eat.  She eats about as fast as... I dunno, I've got no comparison here.  She eats very slowly.

I really liked it too.  Tasted good.

The boxes are neat, with textured logos and eye-popping visuals.  If you're like me and you read too much into everything you see, you might notice that the Caramel Crunchy bits are popping right out of Superman's crotch area.  Fucking weirdo aliens.

I'd recommend trying it if you see it, if only because it's something you've never had before.  And you can hum the Superman music while eating it.  It really did bring me back to the days of Superman French Fries and Peanut Butter.  I'm not going to say this cereal is "super" because that would be... awww fuck it, this cereal is super.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan