The Elvis Interview

 I had the great opportunity to chat with Elvis, and here's how it all went down...

Ryan: Hey King! First off, I wanna say just how much of an honor this is for me. I have always been a big fan of your music.

Elvis:

Ryan: Uh... okay. I guess you're probably a little shy, seeing as how you haven't really been in the spotlight that much over the last few years.

Elvis:

Ryan: How do you feel about the recent re-mixes of your songs? Is today's generation so over-glittered with stars like Britney, Justin, and Patsy Cline that there just isn't any room for the King anymore?

Elvis:

Ryan: That's okay. It's a hard question. I'll give you some time to think it over. But while you're here, I just want you to know that I'm a big fan of the song Suspicious Minds. May I ask where the inspiration for that song came from?

Elvis:

Ryan: Uh... not much of a talker there, are ya King? That's fair. I mean, someone of your talent and super stardom probably doesn't want to be associated with a half-talent like myself.

Elvis:

Ryan: Okay, moving along. Last year the music industry was saddened by the sudden death of the great David Bowie. How does that make you feel, especially since you're career has had the same kind of longevity? Do you think you'll be remembered after death in the same way that Mr. Bowie is?

Elvis:

Ryan: Do you ever look back upon it and say to yourself, "Wow, I can't believe the influence I've had on other artists over the years..."?

Elvis:

Ryan: Who would you say are your biggest influences?

Elvis:

Ryan: Uh... have you ever had influenza?

Elvis:

Ryan: Well, golly, look at the time! I really should get back to finishing up my new poem "Jailbait Rock". I want to thank you so much for your time, your patience today, and everything you've contributed to so many people's lives. Hope to see you around again sometime.

Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much.

What If Real Life Were Like Super Mario Bros?

Remember the cartoon called The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3? It's a horrible cartoon from the early 90s based on an incredibly good video game. Several times in the series, Mario and Luigi travel back to the real world which leads me to ponder, "What if real life were like Super Mario Bros."? 

Free Money!
You would never need to work for a living. All you'd really have to do is look around and you'd find money just laying on the ground. Sometimes it's hidden in boxes, but plenty of money is just laying there, ready for the taking. In the video game, when you collect 100 coins you get an extra life. So I would assume that in real life, the more money you have means you'll just live longer. Or maybe you can trade in your coins in the netherworld for another life. Hmm.... I'd better start saving up. 

Fire Is At Your Fingertips
In the video game, you can find a magic flower that gives you "Firepower". You can literally throw fire at the bad guys, and it's much easier than jumping on their heads. So imagine if in real life you could hurl a fireball at someone you didn't like. There you are, having a bad day at work, and on your way home some arsehole cuts you off at the intersection. Normally you just let them get away with it... but not today buster! One quick flick of your wrist and you'll be bale to roast marshmallows on them.


No Need To Breathe That Polluted Air Anymore
In the Mushroom Kingdom there is no need to breathe air. Need proof? Mario swims underwater and never needs to come up for air. Now, you might argue that maybe Mario can just hold his breath for the 200 or 300 second time limit for that water level, but c'mon let's face it. Mario is an overweight plumber. He can probably only hold his breath for 40 seconds tops. So imagine you could go underwater and not have to come up. You'd chill out at the beach, underwater, and check out all the girls in their bikinis. Well, that's what I would do anyway. 

White Men CAN Jump
Ever gotten something caught in a tree? Or stuck up on your roof? No problem! If real life were like Super Mario Bros. we'd be able to just jump to those tough-to-reach places. All we'd need is a running start and maybe a mushroom, because you can jump higher when you're big n' super from a mushroom. 

But let's be realistic here. After all, there are definitely two ways that real life IS like Super Mario Bros.

Stars
In the video game, when you touch a magic star you become invincible to everything else (except for maybe falling down a bottomless pit) and you're practically unstoppable. In real life, people that are considered "stars" are invincible and get away with just about whatever they want.

You Can't Always Get What You Want
Mario spends the whole game searching for Princess Toadstool, who is constantly "In Another Castle", and when he finally rescues her from the clutches of the evil King Koopa, he is forced back to the start of the game to do it all over again, but just a little harder. Now if that isn't a euphemism for real life, then I don't know what is.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 TGIF Shows

If this doesn't make you happy, you have no soul.

TGIF was the greatest night of the week when we were kids.

I mean it, man, TGIF is one of the rare things that actually brings together kids of the 80s and kids of the 90s.  Myself, having been born in 1980, was there for the inception and early years of TGIF, while those of you born circa 1990 would have been all caught up in the blossoming romance of Corey and Topanga.

So here are the eleven best shows to ever grace Friday nights on ABC.

11. Mr. Belvedere 
Mr. Belvedere fills up the end of the list because it was at the end of its run when TGIF started.  Personally, I never really considered the show to be part of TGIF, but technically it was there - and I remember loving the show as a kid.

I totally bought this mag.

10. Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
I was never, honestly, a viewer of this show.  It's on this list because of it's sheer popularity and longevity.  I did, however, buy the issue of Maxim magazine that featured Sabrina in some tastefully risque photos.  That right there is enough to get her on this list.
09. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper
Hangin' was a show that never really decided what show it was going to be.  This was evident by how the theme song would change from season to season. A funny show, and Holly Robinson was always easy on the eyes for a boy of eleven.  I think this show really only existed because Raven Symoné needed a paying gig after the Cosby Show was done.  Still, it was a really enjoyable sitcom that got lost in the hype of the other TGIF monsters.
08. Sister Sister
It didn't matter what this show was about - it starred Jackée, and that was enough to get us to watch it.
07. Step By Step
I remember the premiere of this vividly, because I was so excited for a new show with Suzanne Sommers.  As a very little boy I used to watch the syndicated episodes of Three's Company.  Even though I didn't understand half the jokes in the show, I thought Three's Company was awesome.  Step By Step, a kind of new take on the Brady Bunch, gave us the line, "Dana Dana Dana - you're driving me insane-a", which I continue to use on The Lovely Wife to this day.
06. Dinosaurs
Not the mama! Not the mama!  Not the mama! 'Nuff said.

Do the dance of joy!

05. Perfect Strangers
Here's another show that helped created TGIF while it was already an established sitcom hit.  I consider Perfect Strangers to be one of the greatest sitcoms ever created, and Balki Bartokomous is one of the greatest sitcom characters to ever be on TV.  And, if it wasn't for Perfect Strangers, we would never have had Family Matters. So grab your cousin Larry, herd some goats, and do the dance of joy!
04. Full House
My favorite TV show of all-time, it seems like there's nothing I can say that I haven't already said about the Tanner family.  So why isn't it higher on this list?  How rude, you say!  Well, have mercy, because Full House was only a TGIF show for the first half of its eight year run.  So there.  Cut.  It.  Out.

03. Family Matters

Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.

I actually remember when this show got popular.  It originally didn't feature Steve Urkel, and I don't think he was even in the pilot episode.  But I remember being at school on Monday morning and everyone talking about just how funny Urkel was.  It didn't take long for the show to become all about him.  Poor Carl Weathers.  I wonder what he's up to now.  Anyway, my point is, that Urkel was so popular on TGIF that we were still talking about it the following Monday.  Usually the mind of a kid forgets shit over the weekend. Not Urkel.  We embraced him.  Well, at least for a couple seasons of the show.  Then we all hated him. 
02. 20/20
Some would argue that Barbara Walters' show wasn't actually part of TGIF, but I consider it a staple of Friday nights on ABC.  After watching two hours of fluffy family fantasy life, Mrs. Walters would start talking about some real shit.  I mean shit like date rape, drugs, abusive kidnapping parents, and - don't make me say it - tax evasion!   It's also the only remnant of TGIF that still airs today with new episodes.  Damn, the Barbara has some longevity.
01. Boy Meets World
No other show truly represents TGIF than Boy Meets World.  Even at the age of seventeen I found myself tuning in just to see what was happening with Corey and Topanga.  Okay, mostly it was to see how incredibly attractive Topanga was getting at she got older, but we all had our reasons.  When I first moved in with The Lovely Wife we had a goldfish named Mr. Feeny.  I'd also like to point out that Boy Meets World survived, having never really having a catch TV theme song or intro.  In a time where shows like Full House, Family Matters, Perfect Strangers, and other night's shows (Roseanne, Home Improvement, Friends, Seinfeld, and American's Funniest Home Videos) used a catchy song to get our attention, Corey and Topanga didn't fucking need one. 

So there you have it.  Is there a show I'm missing?  Do you think something else should be #1? Comment below!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Alice In Wonderland... with Stamos

Chances are you're familiar with the classic Disney animated feature of Alice In Wonderland. That cartoon has become stapled inside the consciousness of children all around the world, as many Disney movies have. It's a good cartoon, I'll give it that. Disney made fine animated features up until the early 90s and then I stopped liking them entirely. So what we have here is the 1985 Television Special of Alice In Wonderland which was so bloody long that it had to run in two parts. I first saw it on television in the early 90s when it was re-aired one Sunday afternoon on TBS. Clocking in at just a little over three hours long, this includes the moments from the books that were unfortunately left out of the Disney version. 

The Good: If you aren't already baked out of your mind when you watch this, the DVD will make you feel baked. There are a lot of very fucked up moments throughout the broadcast that make you shake your head to see if you're still completely with it or not. The cast is an all-star list of television stars from the 80s with some classic superstars added in. You've got Sammy Davis Jr. There's Beau Bridges. Scott Baio makes an appearance. And of course (and this is the real reason I bought the DVD), there's an appearance by John Stamos, who we all know is Uncle Jesse on Full House. The songs are written by Steve Allen and most of them are enjoyable and catchy. The little girl who plays Alice is full of charm and to coin a phrase, she's cute as a button. The Jabberwocky is menacing looking, even for an '85 television budget. And let's not forget Carol Channing and her crazy antics.

The Bad: This movie is really friggin' long. I wasn't kidding when I said you need to watch it in two parts, and luckily it's divided into ...Wonderland and Alice Through The Looking Glass. At some points you just wish everyone would stop singing to Alice, cause really, if you don't have the dancing skills of Sammy or the soft vocals of Stamos then you're going to be ignored rather quickly. Pacing wasn't something that director Harry Harris (I wish that was my name) was very concerned with it seems. After all, the growing-shrinking scene drags on for nearly five minutes, and that kind of slowness isn't needed so early in the show. Especially if you expect kids to sit through it.  But if you're on some wicked drugs when watching this, you won't notice the pacing problems. If you're like me and you're really just watching this movie for the Uncle Jesse appearance, then you'll be upset that you have to wait nearly two hours before you can have any mercy. And then Stamos' appearance is fairly limited. Just don't throw your TV out the window in anger, because I have given you fair warning. 

The Verdict: I picked this DVD up because I bought an Avril Lavigne CD for my niece's birthday and she already had it. So after giving her money to get what she wanted, I just decided to return Avril and get something with store credit. I stumbled across the Alice DVD and thought Hey, why not? I was pleasantly surprized that I enjoyed Alice In Wonderland far more than the first time I saw it in the early 90s. I'd recommend it as a great rainy day flick, cause it's a great way to kill three hours. And part of your soul.

- ryan

Wilford Brimley

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Are you still gonna love me
When I'm old just like Wilford Brimley
Every Sunday I'll cook you brekkie
Oatmeal with a cup of coffee
Tell me it ain't up to a toss of the dice
Cause growing old together could be so nice

Look at my hair falling out
All the way down to the floor
Been saying I'll fix the sink for three weeks
But my hands don't work so good no more
And look at your pretty smile
Just like the day that we met
The first way you said "I love you"
I swear to God I'll never forget

The future ain't coming any time soon
Tonight I'm gonna hold you under the moon
Thru the good and bad weather
I just wanna start a life together

Are you still gonna love me
When I'm old just like Wilford Brimley
Every Sunday I'll cook you brekkie
Oatmeal with a cup of coffee
Tell me it ain't up to a toss of the dice
Cause growing old together could be so nice

I know I left the bed a mess today
Just couldn't let go of the night before
And sometimes I lay around all lazy
Cause my legs don't work so good no more
You know what to say when I'm blue
Did you read it in a magazine?
Uncover every single hidden clue
Read the lines in between

Are you still gonna love me
When I'm old just like Wilford Brimley
Every Sunday I'll cook you brekkie
Oatmeal with a cup of coffee
Tell me it ain't up to a toss of the dice
Cause growing old together could be so nice

This Bag Is Not A Toy?

This bag is not a toy.
The hell it ain't!

Maybe Mr. Director of Child Health and Safety at the production plant just has no imagination.  This bag can clearly be a toy.

I don't know about you, but I don't really like being told what I can and can't do with the leftover packaging that my consumables come in.  I don't even remember what I bought that came in this baggy, but fuck them for thinking that I can't use this as a toy.  And hey, if I suffocate on it, or somehow get myself stuck in it and fall into a river and drown, then it's my own goddamn fault for being an idiot.  Or maybe my parents for not paying proper attention to what I play with.

What's this, you ask?  A Monopoly board?  Uh-oh!  Looks like I've landed on Pennsylvania Ave. and it has a hotel!  I hope I have enough cash to cover the debt.  Maybe I'll get lucky and the puppy dog will land on Baltic Ave. after it passes "GO".  I have a house on that cheap purple piece of shit.  Oh, and I don't know if the ship knows this or not, but if it rolls a perfect four it will land on Free Parking.  Check the rule book folks, there's no free money for Free Parking.  Stop twisting this beautiful game around to meet your own needs.
(Fun fact - I always use the Iron when I play Monopoly)

Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi and in their Landspeeder here, heading to the Mos Eisley Cantina.  It seems as though little whiny Luke here just lost his Aunt and Uncle in a terrible fire, so he's running away to some planet called Alderaan to find a Princess.  I hope there's enough fuel in this speeder to get him to Mos Eisley so he can find a pilot!

 

If you're like me and you've already beaten all the Super Mario games, why not try some of these lost levels?  Just like any other classic NES game, you've gotta blow inside it first to get it to work - but don't blow too hard!  You might pop your game and then you've gotta ask your mom and dad to buy you a new one.  Now I'm playing with plastic bag power!

 

Look everyone!  It's Mr. Baggy-O-Head!  Are you lonely and in need of a friend?  Just stick some eyes, arms, feet, and a tongue on to Mr. Baggy-O-Head and never be without a companion!  This one actually reminds me of an old Howie Mandel bit where he said, "when I was a kid we were poor, and instead of having a Mr. Potato Head my parents used to let me just stick shit to my grandmother's face."

So there you have it.

This bag is not a toy? Fuck you, you fucking fucks.

I'm sure there are many other ways to use this as a toy.  I just took some pictures of it with things in the Fan-Cave.

It could be a wrestling ring, or the secret hideout for Dr. Doom, or even the teapot at a tea party for stuffed animals.  

If you get really creative I'm sure you can figure out a way or two or three to use this as a sex toy.  If you do - by all means, send me those pictures.

The point is, don't let the corporations tell you how to use your imagination.  This bag could be the ultimate super computer if you want it to be.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 After Sex Comments

Let's get one thing straight: I'm not suggesting you say ANY of these phrases after sex. I just think it would be hella fun to try it. And on with the list!

11. Now that's what I call a vagina! High five!

10. Don't worry baby. You just lay there... I'll go get the shop-vac and clean this up.

9. Hmm... I dunno honey. It still felt the same even though I was thinking of Taylor Swift.

8. That was the slam-banginest, vadge-pumpingest, elbow-deepest, knob-polishingest, buttered-toastingest, root-tootin' screw-ride since Harry met Sally!

7. Alright, that'll be twenty bucks, baby.

6. I think I'm going to start investing in IBM again. I dunno, just seems like the right time.

5. You go ahead. I'm gonna lay here for a bit and reflect upon what we just did and try to rank it in some sort of Top 11 list... don't worry, I'm sure you'll land in the top three or four...

4. Again tomorrow? Same Bat-time! Same Bat-Channel!

3. Well what did you expect it to taste like? Pomegranate? Chicken Cordon Bleu? I friggin' ate Spaghetti-O's today!

2. You're so beautiful. You're smart, sexy, and you give 110% when you make sweet love to me. Your body is like an ocean being discovered for the first time. When you moan so passionately, I can see new constellations forming. When you climaxed, my heart skipped a beat. And that little half-smile you made... wow. The look in your eyes right now is just so satisfying. What time did you say your husband would be home?

1. I think your poster of Justin Bieber is staring at me.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Boobies!

Yes, you clicked the right link today.

Basically today we'll be taking a look at two of my favorite things on this planet. Namely, boobies. If you wanna just call them "boobs" that's fine too. Whatever makes you happy. Just be sure that when you're in the company of boobies, you're happy. Nothing brings a smile to a guy's face (and some girls too.. the one's that are awesome) quite like breasts. So let us squeeze out a little history, cup on to some notions, and bounce around some thoughts that will ultimately go round and round your head all day.

Oh, and by the way, could you make a little eye contact please? 

Part 1. The History of Boobies
Boobies were created at the dawn of time when some God-person first created man. This is absolutley true no matter what faith or religion you follow. Before Adam and Eve were ever molded Goddius Maximus made a scientist out of Lego named Dr. Von Booblestein. He was lonely and removed his feet to create the very first set of boobies. Since Lego blocks were square and pointy, the first draft failed. They looked nothing like today's boobs at all.

Dr. Von Booblestein continued his work much through his later years and on his death bed he pronounced, "Should there ever be one to follow me on this great planet, than please let them be of the non-square-ish variety".

Booblestein's prayers were answered, and thus Adam was created. But he was lonely and wanted some boobies to look at, so a woman named Eve followed. You know the rest of the story. Adam stares at Eve's boobs and she realizes because of her boobies that she can make him do whatever she wants. She wanted an apple, yadda yadda, go read a book.

Boobies continued to be popular all thru history (except for during the Plague, cause they were all gross looking at that point) and continue to be very popular today. 

Part 2. Cleavage

What is it about Boobies that make us as men completely stunned and jaw-dropped? Well, to put it simply, They're Boobies. That is the only logical answer that could possibly exist.

There are many different types of boobies, which I will get into in a minute, but one thing is for certain: all of them look good when they're giving off cleavage. Cleavage is that one thing that women strive to achieve when putting on that tight shirt. Cleavage is that framed piece of artwork that makes men's eyes pop out of their heads... and their... no... I'm not gonna say it. Cleavage can be defined as A set of breasts that are pushed together with a bra to the point that they can hold a pencil between themselves. If the pencil falls, it ain't cleavage. 

Part 3. More Than A Handful
And that brings us to cup sizes. Some girls are not blessed with large boobies. That doesn't mean they're boobies are bad. No, not at all. Every woman has great boobies, and just because you can't get cleavage because you are "flat as a board" doesn't mean your boobs aren't great too. In fact, the A-Cup chest is a set of boobs with much to prove. Often overlooked by the dudes at the bar, you never know when these savages will escape their confines to poke someone's eye out. The next time you pass over a girl because she seems small-chested, just say to yourself, "Wait a sec... are they really missing, or are they just waiting for the opportune moment to strike?" Remember, no matter what, she has a nice set of personalities.

Some women have really large boobies and are constantly falling out of their shirts. There gets to a point where the boobs become too big and take on a life of their own. Fake boobs have a tendency of doing this to a person. One day a girl is just sitting there looking at her average boobs and says to herself "Wow, I have lots of student loan money left over... I should make my boobs bigger." Beware the risk of this. Fake boobs are a double-ended sword. They give pleasure to the eye, but they are really monsters inside that continue to grow and grow until the person has become nothing but breasts.

On the subject of different kinds boobs, some men have boobs too. They're called Man-Boobs. They're gross.

Moving on... 

Part 4. Famous Boobies
As a society, we are fascinated by boobies. Let's face it, when we were young we couldn't for the life of us figure out why our dads were listening to Dolly Parton records. Sure, 9 to 5 is a catchy enough tune, but it was her boobs that landed her that duet with Kenny Rogers, and it was her boobs that scored her that guest appearance on Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Take a look at Britney Spears. When she hit MTV with that video of her as a schoolgirl, she didn't really have any boobs. Then the next day, WHAMMO! She must've developed quickly or quickly spent the money she made off that first single. Sometimes I run. Sometimes I hide. Sometimes I get my boobs enlarged.

Lindsay Lohan (God Bless her boobs) had to have her boobies made digitally smaller when she did that Herbie movie. That just goes to show that we are all so infatuated with them as a whole that we'll do anything just to play with them. 

Step 5. Boobie Nicknames
No good guide to Boobies would be complete without a list of Nicknames for these wonderful creations. So feel free to start calling boobies these:

• Fun Bags
• Hooters
• Dirty Pillows
• Knockers
• Melons
• Titties
• Ta-tas
• Torpedos
• Jugs
• Merv Griffins
• Balloons
• Chesticles
• Gazongas
• Sweater Muffins

In case you thought this was going to be a nature blog about the Blue Footed Boobies of South America, here's a link that will give you some info about them.
http://gosouthamerica.about.com/cs/galapagosislands/l/blpixwildbooby.htm.

Goodnight! And thanks for reading!

- ryan

Batman Cereal

Will it taste like justice?

About a week or so ago I wrote all about the new Superman cereal to promote Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice.  My daughter pretty much devoured the box and then asked if we could try to the Batman cereal as well.

I was hesitant because, well, I didn't really like the idea of chocolate and strawberry together.  It just wasn't my cup of tea.  Or bowl of cereal in this case.  Regardless, she asked me about twenty times if we could get it, so I picked up a box of it.  And another box of Superman cereal.  That shit was tasty.

You should have seen her face when I picked her up from the school bus and told her I had secured a box of Batman cereal.  She lit up like a bat-signal.

The next morning when I woke her up I used the cereal to my advantage.  You see, Ryleigh is almost five years old but she's already exhibiting signs that she's a teenage girl.  Getting her out of bed in the morning should pretty much be an Olympic event and The Lovely Wife and I deserve at least silver and bronze medals for our efforts every day.

But I had an ace up my sleeve.  Or maybe a joker card would be more fitting.

"Ryleigh, wake up.  It's time to get ready for school."
".... still tired..."
"Get up. Go pee.  Brush your teeth.  Not at the same time, though.  Your mom gave me trouble for that once.  Apparently it's gross."
"...I just wanna stay in bed...."
"Remember, there's Batman cereal downstairs..."

"See kids, if you ask your parents enough times for something they'll cave in and get it for you every time"

She was downstairs in less than five minutes.

So we all had a bowl of this chocolaty-strawberry-cereal.  Well, not my son Grayson.  He likes his cereal to be just scattered all over the goddamn high chair tray.  Good thing he eats his cereal dry.  Just like daddy.  At first glance, the Batman cereal looks better than the Superman cereal.  You can actually tell this is supposed to represent the Dark Knight.

"It tastes like my parents are dead!"

The taste?  Not bad.  I didn't go wild for it.  Ryleigh, who likes milk on her cereal, got halfway through her bowl of Batman cereal and asked me to remove the milk.  Hmm.  Okay, and after the milk was gone she ate it right up.

So there's all this hype around the movie, and who's going to win the fight between Batman and Superman.  You can hashtag on Twitter who you think will win, and blah blah blah.  I don't think either of them will win in the movie, because they need to put the Justice League together.  None of that matters though, because we're talking about cereal.

Naturally, with the competition in the movie it seems only fitting to pick which cereal was better.  Everyone's taste buds are a little different, remember.  The next morning when I woke Ryleigh up for breakfast I asked her if she wanted some more Batman cereal.

"Nah, I think I'll have Superman cereal this morning."

Folks, we have a winner.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na no artificial flavoring!

Top 11 Rich People

Today we take a look at eleven rich people. Four of them just so happened to be bald. Coincidence? That could be a blog for another day. But really, if you've got all that money, you could afford a wig that at least looked real. Oh well, enjoy this list!

	#11 - Richie Rich (Harvey Comics) Sadly, Richie Rich used to be worth more than he is. Yeah, that poor little bastard spent forty million dollars in one candy shop. But don't think he's a spoiled little rich brat. While he may have inherited millions from his parents' fortune, Richie is always willing to share the wealth. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.3 Billion Dollars
	#10 - Lou Bond (Full House) Lou Bond used to live in the Tanner house when he was just a kid. After making millions in business he decided he wanted his old house back. The whole Tanner family was willing to sell, except for Michelle, who's little heart turned out to be the one thing Lou's money couldn't afford. Fucking idiot. Approximate Total Wealth: $2.6 Billion Dollars
	#9 - Lex Luthor (Superman) The only thing Luthor has more of than money is hatred towards The Man of Steel. Luthor has been able to buy whatever he wants his whole life. Women, cars, and people's morals are all possessions to ol' baldy. As the CEO of Lexcorp, Luthor practically owns half of Metropolis. Approximate Total Wealth: $3.1 Billion Dollars
	#8 - Billy Madison (Billy Madison) Billy, the heir to the Madison Hotels fortune, wasn't just handed his wealth. No, he had to work for it by re-doing his entire school career, from kindergarten to high school. Another wealthy man, with a good heart, he isn't shy about throwing parties for his friends. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars
	#7 - Scrooge McDuck (Duck Tales) Scrooge McDuck has so much money that he can swim in it... and he does! Everyone in Duckberg wants their hands on Scrooge's money, but luckily since Scrooge is a good person he gets help from his three nephews and Gizmo-Duck. Approximate Total Wealth: $5.2 Billion Dollars + One lucky penny
	#6 - Willy Wonka (Charlie & The Chocolate Factory) Okay, the dude owns his own amazing chocolate factory. He can have pretty much anything he wants. But what he really needed in the end was a good friend like Charlie.  Though, having a glass elevator that can go pretty much anywhere is also pretty rad.  Imagine the dates you could have in that thing! Approximate Total Wealth: $7.9 Billion Dollars
	#5 - Prince Akeem (Coming To America) Akeem was so rich that he could've had anything he wanted in his home country. But he knew the only way to find true love would be to live like an ordinary man in Queens, New York.  Remember, when you think of garbage, think of Akeem! Approximate Total Wealth: $12.7 Billion Dollars
	#4 - Batman (Batman... duh!) By day he poses at Bruce Wayne, the only child of Thomas and Martha Wayne. He's the owner of Wayne Enterprises. But he takes his piles of money and uses them to get awesome gadgets for fighting crime.  You'd think he would use some of that moolah to make people forget about the awful Batman & Robin movie. Approximate Total Wealth: $19.9 Billion Dollars
	#3 - Mr. Burns (The Simpsons) If you're going to go big, go nuclear! It certainly doesn't hurt that Mr. Burns is like one hundred years old. He's had a lot of time to invest that money. He uses his money and power to watch over Springfield with his echoing vampire-like laugh. The city is pretty much already his, but the residents just don't know it yet. Approximate Total Wealth: $34.7 Billion Dollars
	#2 - Daddy Warbucks (Annie) Warbucks said it himself "I'm richer than Midas" in the song "I Don't Need Anything" from the Annie movie. He may not have the golden touch, but his billiard-ball head and oodles of money don't mean anything without his little orphan Annie.  It also doesn't hurt to have a bad-ass like Punjab hanging around protecting your assets, both physical and monetary. Approximate Total Wealth: $42.8 Billion Dollars
	#1 - "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase (WWF) When DiBiase wasn't allowed to buy the WWF Championship, he did the next best thing. He created his own championship belt. The Million Dollar Belt is all gold and diamonds. DiBiase has so much cash kicking around that he could freely stuff $100 bills down peoples throats. He has his own personal bodyguard, Virgil, that will do anything for him. And he has the most vicious sounding laugh. Everybody has a price for the Million Dollar Man. Approximate Total Wealth: $72.8 Billion + The Million Dollar Belt

Thanks for reading!
- ryan