Cocktail - A Guide To Life

...that's not Tom Cruise.

I have a friend who has a friend who claims that watching the movie Cocktail is like watching a porno without any actual explicit sex in it. I'm not going to say that this person is right or wrong, but I will say that there are many great life lessons we can learn from the 1988 flick starring Tom Cruise and the always gorgeous (nay, perfect) Elisabeth Shue. So let's take a look at a few ways to keep your life great, through the teachings of the 81st Greatest Movies of All-Time. 

Part One - School Ain't Cool 
Our protagonist, Brian Flanagan, goes to community college to get a degree in business. But between the boring textbooks and overbearing professors, Flanagan realizes he can learn much more in a bar. Flanagan even writes a business proposal for his own night club, which is rejected by his asshole know-nothing business prof. So Flanagan finds a partner in Doug Coughlin and they make more than enough money in the booze business to pay for what Flanagan's student loans would've been.  They also get more panties thrown at them than you can shake a stick at.  Somebody call up Hasbro, cause I think I've just invented the next great party game.
Lesson: Get an education at the bar. If you aren't already.

Part Two - Mentor A Man With An Accent 
Doug Coughlin is either Irish, Scottish, English, or Australian. I'm not too sure if they mention it in the movie, but it doesn't matter much because all we need to know is that he has a pretty sweet accent that makes all the women attracted to him. Young men such as Flanagan are engulfed by accents as well because they know babes like them. Coughlin passes on his "Coughlin's Laws" to young Flanagan at every opportunity, and the two become best of friends.  Would Coughlin's Laws have contained as much wisdom without a Brit-Scot-Aust-Irish accent?
Lesson: Chicks dig a dude with an accent... so fake it if you have to.

Part Three - Cougars Are Only So Awesome
Cougars are great, especially when they're on the prowl, but here's a learner in being faithful: Flanagan had hooked up with Elisabeth Shue (every man's dream) and then took a bet to get with a rich old lady. Dude... I know it worked in theory, but come on... you fucked around on Lizzy Shue. How could you make her cry like that?  How could you give her those lonely nights alone?  how could you????  You're lucky she took you back. Actually, you're lucky you knocked her up first so she pretty much had to take you back.
Lesson: Not all women are as super-hot and forgiving as Elisabeth Shue is. So if you fuck around, chances are they won't take you back.  Also, if you hurt Lizzy Shue's feelings, we'll find you.  Oh yes.


Part Four - Talk In Rhyme at a Convenient Time
People will always listen if you can talk in rhyme. It worked for Roadblock in GI Joe. It worked for Eminem in "8 Mile" (even though that was just a bad photocopy of "Purple Rain". And it worked for Brian Flanagan too. But it's always best if you do it as a toast, with a nice drink in your hand.
Lesson: Don't go crazy and join the church of Scientology.

So there we have it. If you've never seen Cocktail, go rent it. Or buy it. It's usually in the cheap bin at Wal-Mart for about five bucks. You might get something completely different out of the movie. And at least you'll get to stare at Elisabeth Shue in a bathing suit.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan
(Oh, and below, check out my video for "Lizzy Shue" from a couple years ago.  The entire song was inspired by my love for the the movie Cocktail, and of course for Elisabeth  Shue.)