Wrestlemania

My daughter was born on April 1st, and undoubtedly I'd like to think of that as the happiest day of my life.

But long before I had a daughter, April 1st was very special to me because it was the day my dad took me to Wrestlemania VI in Toronto to see The Ultimate Warrior do battle with Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship.

In 1990 I was a huge WWF fan.  I mean, I ate, slept, and breathed wrestling.  My favorites were The Ultimate Warrior, Bret "Hitman" Hart, and Macho Man (even though he was a villain at this time known as the Macho King).

The morning of April 1st, my dad woke me up early to let me know that Wrestlemania had been cancelled.  I only fell for it for a second or two and then realized it was April Fool's Day.  Nice try dad.

I'm actually surprised by how much I remember about being at Wrestlemania VI.  It was over twenty-five years ago.  I was only nine years old.

Me at the mall with my mother; notice my awesome Ultimate Warrior shirt?  Please don't notice my awful track pants.

 Down the road from the Skydome was a large wrestling ring built by Campbell's soup, and they had some wrestlers doing their thing while free cans of Campbell's soup were being given out.  I declined the free can of soup, mostly because I didn't want to have to carry it around Toronto with me all day.

While waiting outside the Skydome to get in, some pervy old man was talking about Miss Elizabeth and how if he had the chance he would tongue paint her.  I'd like to think that's when and where I learned what cunningulus is.  Thank you, creepy pervy guy outside the Skydome.

Inside, we sat in front of this crazy wrestling fan.  She was old, missing some teeth, and had one of those large foam Hulk Hogan fingers.  When she found out I was cheering for The Ultimate Warrior to defeat the Hulkster, the fucking crazy bitch actually hit me with her foam finger. 

I remember being very excited to see Robert Goulet sing "O Canada".  I had seen Beetlejuice a few times by this point in my life, and Robert Goulet was pretty cool in it.  Before he sang the anthem, and the event began there was something called a "Dark Match", which is basically a wrestling match to warm the crowd up a bit before the televised event begins.  I was surprised and disappointed when I got a VHS tape of Wrestlemania VI months later that the match between Paul Roma and the Brooklyn Brawler wasn't on it.

I was very excited when Andre The Giant smacked around Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.  I really only knew Andre as a heel in the world of wrestling, having only been a fan since WM3, and everyone knew he wouldn't be around much longer, so it was really awesome to be able to say I was there to see his redemption in front of his fans.

I still have my ticket stub from Wrestlemania VI

From where we were sitting, the ring looked pretty small.  Our $75 tickets had us about halfway up.  Apparently ringside seats were in the $150 range.  Luckily, we had a great view of the large screen in the Skydome.  So we were able to see everything being broadcast over pay-per-view, even if we couldn't hear the incredible Jesse "The Body" Ventura speak.  So we were able to see some of the important details.  I was ecstatic to see Miss Elizabeth, and half wondered if that guy from outside the Skydome would get his chance to tongue paint her.  Unfortunately she was there for Dusty Rhodes, and not the Macho King.

But let's face it.  Everyone was there to see the Hogan/Warrior match.  And as soon as the Warrior pinned Hogan for both the WWF Championship and the Intercontinental belt, we were out of our seats and on our way out of the building.  My dad wanted to beat the traffic and not get stuck in any kind of mob.  He was always like that, even at hockey games we went to locally.  So I never got the opportunity to tell that crazy bitch with the foam finger that she could suck a male camel's dick.

As we went back to catch our bus home, I saw a man make fun of a midget.  That was sad and uncomfortable.  She was a midget.  Big deal.  And he was all like, "Hey everyone!  Look at the midget!"  Then we passed by a homeless guy asking for change, and I kind of wish I would have taken that free can of Campbell's soup.  I could have given it to him.  And he could have traded it for crack.  Not much crack, but probably a little fix.  I'm not really an expert in crack value.

Wow, I'm way off topic.

This was pretty much my view.

Wrestlemania VI had a lasting impression on me.  I must have watched the VHS a hundred times.  I proudly wore my Ultimate Challenge shirt and ball cap everywhere.  I even made friends at the mall with an older man because of it.  No, this is nothing weird, he saw me with my mom and I was wearing my shirt and he was getting his photos from Wrestlemania VI developed there.  So we hung out with him so I could see his pictures.

To this day, I still get excited to talk about being there.  Whenever I get talking about wrestling with someone they look at me in awe when I say I was at Wrestlemania VI.  It's fondly remembered by everyone.

Sadly, Miss Elizabeth passed away a few years back.  I wonder if that pervy guy ever got to tongue paint her.  I mean, it's always nice to hear of people's dreams coming true.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Me, in 1990 wearing my Bret The Hitman tank top and trying to do the Ravishing Rick Rude hip swing.

Deja Voodoo

Deja Voodoo
Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

A postman from the sky
Softly kisses the ground
He speaks not of good-bye
And delivers love all round

When tears are the only words,
Laughter is the only faith

Deja Voodoo
Gives the answers
Deja Voodoo
Fulfills the search
Why smell the potion
When you can taste?
Deja Voodoo
And embrace

A wizard's magic will open your eyes
You will see when nothing's there
God shall give your heart infinite tries
And you'll believe when you think you don't care

Deja Voodoo
Gives the answers
Deja Voodoo

Fulfills the search
Why smell the potion
When you can taste?
Deja Voodoo
And embrace

A sparkling new home of light for you
Made just for love's eternal touch
A bed where dreams always come true
Spells, never too little or too much

Forever smile thru the dismay
And a prayer is all you pay

Deja Voodoo
Gives the answers
Deja Voodoo
Fulfills the search
Why smell the potion?
When you can taste?
Deja Voodoo
And embrace

Pee-Wee's Big Holiday

Growing up, I was always a big fan of Pee-Wee Herman.  Especially the wonderful show Pee-Wee's Playhouse.  Maybe it was all the bright colors.  Maybe it was the sheer randomness.  Maybe it was the Cyndi Lauper theme song.

I even have fond memories of the Big Top Pee-Wee movie.  I might be the only person on this planet who has those fond memories.

I even stood by Pee-Wee during the whole movie theater incident.  Well, not literally.  I wasn't there.  And it's not like I was rooting him on either.  When I heard the news break I just wasn't as grossed out as other people.

And that brings us to today, and the new movie Pee-Wee's Big Holiday.  Right away I started to wonder if this was just another Netflix attempt at reliving my childhood.  I mean, sure, it worked with Fuller House.  It couldn't fail with Pee-Wee either.

I was skeptical of the title... Pee-Wee's Big Holiday to me seemed like a cheap way of saying "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure Part 2".  I mean, you could have put anything into "Pee-Wee's Big ____________" and it could be a fun movie.

Pee-Wee's Big Vacation
Pee-Wee's Big Journey
Pee-Wee's Big Temple of Doom
Pee-Wee's Big Prisoner of Azkaban
Pee-Wee's Big Salami

Admit it, you'd watch all of those movies if they were real. I know I would.

Pee-Wee becomes friends with Joe from the Magic Mike movie, and Joe invites him to his birthday party in New York and Pee-Wee goes on an big adventure holiday to get there.  Yep, that's the basic premise.  And it was fucking great.  The magical friendship between Joe and Pee-Wee is just so... magical.  Within five minutes of meeting each other these two become the best of friends.  And Joe really wants Pee-Wee at his birthday party.  It's so oddball, and quirky, and borderline hot-man-on-man-lovely (albeit one-sided), and yet incredibly sincere at the same time.

My daughter is set to have her fifth birthday this weekend.  She's having a big party and her friends are invited, and blah blah blah I know you don't care, but seeing Joe and Pee-Wee was very much like seeing my daughter talk about her birthday party, and how she wants all her best friends to be there.  It was actually cute.

As for Pee-Wee's actual big adventure holiday in the movie, I really enjoyed seeing Pee-Wee with the Amish, and actually laughed out loud at his new friend, the salesman, and all his shitty gag products.  And I thought that Pee-Wee was pretty darn attractive in that while fuzzy sweater.  The chick Pee-Wee, from the trio of bad girls, not Mr. Herman.  I mean, sure, if you like red bow ties and secret words then he's fine for you.

What was I talking about again?

Oh right.  So if you have an hour and a half to kill, you should totally check out Pee-Wee's Big Adventure Part 2.  It doesn't have the slight edge of darkness that his first movie had (since it was a Tim Burton flick) but it's an easy movie to get in to.  You don't need to know the older movies before watching this one.  It makes you feel at home pretty easily.

And really, the more Pee-Wee the better.  I hope they make some more movies soon.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan
(Before you go, check out my all-time favorite moment from Pee-Wee's Playhouse....)

As You Wish

I had been wanting to read As You Wish: Inconceivable Tales From The Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes for quite some time.  Finally I stumbled upon it at my public library.

Get a library card, folks.  It's good for ya.

So I couldn't not read the book.  I'm a huge fan of the movie, as I'm sure you are too.  Show me someone who doesn't like The Princess Bride.  I actually know one person who watched it for the first time as an adult and they just didn't seem to get it.  They really didn't like it.  I don't speak to them anymore.

If you're a lifelong Princess Bride fan, then you'll enjoy this book.  If you're a casual fan, maybe not so much.  Elwes does recap the story of The Princess Bride for you, but really, unless you're a fan of the movie or Andre The Giant you probably wouldn't put this book in your hands.

I liked it.

I think the book was a bit long, and at times often seemed like a love letter to William Goldman and Rob Reiner, and the cast of the movie.  About halfway through the book I considered not finishing it.  It just seemed a bit too gushy for me.  It was like you couldn't turn a page until you had read the words, "...because of Rob's brilliant directing..." or "...we knew Goldman's words were just perfect..." or "what a great actor ____________ was and they were truly the only actor for the part of Buttercup/Inigo/Viccini/Count Rugen."  At the halfway point when I set the book down to get ready for bed I actually said out loud, "Okay, I get it.  You loved being a part of this movie."

Then it dawned on me.  This wasn't like other Hollywood memoirs.

There wasn't any dishing happening.

There were no behind-the-scenes stories to make anyone else look bad.  If anything, Cary Elwes talks himself down as an idiot who broke his toe trying to impress Andre The Giant.  There were no stories of lust for Robin Wright.  Just genuine love for her and working with her.  This was a very different kind of Hollywood memoir.

When I returned to the book the next morning, it felt more like I was sitting in a room with the cast of one of my very favorite movies and they were all just recalling some fun times they had.  Much like getting back together with your buddies from college.  You haven't seen each other in ten years, but have a beer or two and you're right back into the old jokes, routines, and antics that made you such good friends in the first place.

There was something very comforting about Elwes' words.  Especially if you could hear the voice of Westley narrating it in your head as I could.  And then before I knew it, the book was done.  And I wanted more.  So much so that the next night I put the movie on for me and my daughter to watch.

So if you love the movie, check out the book, and have fun storming the castle.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Go-Bots: Transformers On Welfare?

The Go-Bots are a civilization of robots divided into two factions: The good Guardians and the evil Renegades. The main Guardian, Leader-1, could transform into a jet plane. If he wanted to, he could've taken John Denver anywhere in the world. In many ways these Go-Bots followed similar guidelines to the better-known, and more popular, Transformers. The Go-Bots were featured in a cartoon show, Challenge of the Go-Bots, which was really just a half-hour advertisement for the toys that were made in (you guessed it) Japan. The Go-Bots characters even hailed from the Planet Gobotron. I can't fucking make that up.



 But weren't the Go-Bots just a Dollar Store version of the Transformers? In the same way that if you don't have enough money to get good beer like Old Speckled Hen or Hobgoblin, you find yourself spending your hard earned money on something like Coor's Light because in the end it does the job just the same. The Go-Bots were more like Transformers Lite. That's Hanna-Barbera for you. They just weren't more than meets the eye.

As a kid, I had more Go-Bots toys than I did Transformers figures. It was just the simple fact that Go-Bots were cheaper to buy. I never really got any Transformers toys until after the Transformers Movie was released and I just had to have a Galvatron and an Ultra Magnus. Needless to say my Autobot and Deceptacon reguglarly beat up on my Leader-1 figure.

One huge difference was the fact that none of the Go-Bots used any guns. They shot lazer blasts from their hands instead. On the plus side, that meant you wouldn't lose a gun accessory for your figure. Mind you, if your friend called you up and said, "Dude, I'm bringing over some Transformers to play;" and then he showed up with a Go-Bots' Cy-Kill figure, you'd probably kick him in the nards and recycle his Go-Bot for parts in case your Starscream needed a wheel.

Go-Bots couldn't even mimic the Transformers without fucking up. Most of the bad guys in the first season of Transformers were jets. Leader-1, the main heroic Go-Bot, is a fucking jet. This messed with many kids' minds. If the bad guys are jets, then why is this good guy a jet? Is he really a bad guy in disguise? Nope. He was a good guy through and through, but you just couldn't trust him because he was a jet. So that's why I decided to let my Optimus Prime figure loose on my Leader-1 figure. 

Leader-1 Versus Optimus Prime!

As you can tell, Optimus Prime would wipe the floor with Leader-1. Even if by some strange reason Leader-1 could knock away Optimus' blaster, Prime could still transform his hand into a glowing axe.

Hasbro eventually bought out the Go-Bots franchise, and released some new Transformers toys under the name of Gobots. Not that it matters though, because when someone says Go-Bots, the first thing that comes to mind is that silver jet, Leader-1. And how if you turn your back for long enough, he might just steal your wallet.

What an asshole.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Top 11 Music Movies

Today we take a look at eleven of the best music movies ever made.  I wanted to call it the best Rock n' Roll movies made, but then someone would have a hissy-fit about their being rap movies on the list too, even though rap music embodies the same spirit as rock n' roll.  These are all truly great films that you should check out.  Well, mostly.

Concert films will not be considered on this list.  So that's a "no" to all those great Hanson VHS tapes I see at the thrift stores.  Also, anything with The Beatles in it will not be allowed either, because I just don't like The Beatles.  I know what you're thinking, and when you have a website with your name and fan club in title you can write whatever list you want.  I won't stop you.

11. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Alright, I know I said no Beatles, but they aren't even in this movie.  Let's get something out of the way.  This movie sucks.  I mean, really, really sucks.  But the Aerosmith performance of "Come Together" is almost worth sitting through the first hour or so of shit to get to it.  Thankfully you can just YouTube that kind of stuff these days. I had to watch this crap on VHS in the late 90s.  Imagine sitting through this flick in the theaters in the 70s.  This will be the only piece of shit movie on this list that gets by with one redeeming quality.  I swear.

10. Rock N' Roll High School Forever
I'm not sure if this is a sequel to the Ramones movie or not, but it stars Corey Feldman, has a villain principal named Vader, and I found it in the 99-cent bin at Jumbo Video.  I've actually never seen the original Rock N' Roll High School, so I can't say if it's a sequel or not.  I can just assume that since this one has Corey Feldman in it that it must be at least 70 times better.  So Principal Vader tries to eliminate all elements of rock n' roll and fun from the high school, and that means Feldman's band, The Eradicators, won't be able to play at prom.  Son of a bitch!
This flick came out in the early 90s, so it falls into the time frame of stuff that was more or less leftover from the 80s.  Bonus points for that!

09. Spice World
I only saw this movie because I won two free passes to go see it.  So I got really drunk and took my roommate Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements.  Within the first ten minutes or so we get to see Britney Spears in some revealing lingerie, and then she road trips with some friends to go and become a singing sensation somewhere.
Along the way, she hooks up with your typical hot/sensitive bad-boy type and after letting him hit her vagina one more time, she decides that she's not a girl and not yet a woman.  I guess she's just a slave for him and... wait, I'm not talking about Spice World at all, am I?  I always meant to see that movie.  One of the Kids In The Hall is in it, you know.

08. Rock Star
This one hits a little close to home.  You see, when Rock Star came out in 2001 I was at the apex of my Steven Tyler fandom. Yes, I used to have long hair, wear leopard print clothing, and pretty much try to be as cool as Steven Tyler.  The difference between me and Marky Mark in this movie?  He got to become the front man of his favorite band.  And he got to hook it up with Jennifer Aniston. And he go to drive Adam West's Batmobile.  And eventually he traveled to the Planet of the Apes.  Funny how things work out sometimes.


07. Straight Outta Compton
This one is still pretty new, but it's already better than most rock movies out there. Definitely better than anything that had the Beatles in it, anyway.  I won't spoil it for you because you should check it out, but I will rant about all the classic hip hop from my youth that's in it.  And just like, I totally dated myself. There was the big hoopla about how this movie was overlooked by the Oscars, and I thought, wouldn't it be funny if Ice Cube's son won an Oscar playing a man who made a bunch of movies that never would have won Oscars... it's kind of like a story inside of a story.  Would Ice Cube be pissed of proud? I don't know, that's why I ask you these things.

06. The Runaways
Kristen Stewart gets a lot of flack, and rightfully so, for those shitty ass Twilight movies. And Snow White and the Huntress kinda sucked too.  But I don't believe it was her fault entirely, because she's never been better or hotter than she is in The Runaways.  I guess there's just something about a bad-ass chick playing the guitar.  The Runaways is such an involving movie that I didn't realize General Zod was the band's manager until nearly the end of the movie.  Michael Shannon is the man.  And Dakota Fanning?  She spends most of the movie practically naked and drunk.  God bless rock n' roll.

05. The Wall
Have you ever gotten really fucked up and watched Pink Floyd's flick? Even if you're not fucked up, it'll fuck you up really good.  I got this album at a thrift shop for a dollar and listened to it on repeat for a week or two straight.  So I watched the movie.  Sober.  Completely sober.  I watched it with my good friend Peter, because he's probably the biggest Pink Floyd fan I know and I wanted his expert commentary to go along with it.  It's a great mix of acting and animation (and really great music).  And it's still one of the only albums I have to listen to start to finish.  I can't even just listen to the singles on their own.  To me, they have to be part of the whole story.

04. Still Crazy
I'm not actually going to say anything about this movie, and instead post the trailer for it so you can get excited to see it.  If you've never seen this movie, we can't be friends.

 

03. This Is Spinal Tap
It sure is. Don't make me just post another trailer to watch.  This movie is actually a big part of why I do Top 11 lists.  I used to do Top 10 lists until my good friend Chris suggested I make mine go to eleven, just like in Spinal Tap.  The amp that goes to eleven, the Stonehenge sequence, and the "Lick My Love Pump" bit are some of the most cherished moments in movie and music history, but for me, my favorite part is,
"You can't do that.  That's sexist."
"What's wrong with being sexy?"


02. La Bamba
The story of Ritchie Valens is a big part of why I got interested in rock n' roll.  I first saw this movie when I was only seven, and everything about it just spoke to me.  I got the Los Lobos soundtrack and learned all the words to the classic songs on the LP.  I guess, deep down, I just always wanted to be a star in the golden age of rock n' roll, find a pretty girl named Donna, have an alcoholic half-brother, and die in a plane crash.  Oh, sorry, spoiler alert - he dies in a plane crash at the end.
Sorry.

01. Purple Rain
Before we get into the number one, can I just get everyone to promise they'll never watch the sequel to Purple Rain called "Graffiti Bridge"? Thanks.
Now, let's go crazy.  If you've ever seen the movie 8 Mile, then you've seen a really glamoured up knock off of Purple Rain.  The story is pretty predictable. The acting is... well, I'm not actually sure there is any acting in this.  They're all kind of playing themselves.  But the music and the performances.  Mother fucker!  It's like getting spanked and wanting more.  And there's just something oddly compelling about watching Prince kiss Apollonia.  It's not so much kissing as it looks like he's trying to steal her essence through her mouth.  It's actually kind of uncomfortable to watch the first time.  I love this movie so much that I even sleep in a Purple Rain t-shirt.  I probably shouldn't have told you that.  Now you're going to have some nightmares.  Well, I guess that's what it sounds like when doves cry.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Hello Shampoo!

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Hello Shampoo!
I missed you!
How do you do?
Did you miss me too?

Was gone for a week
And not that I reek
But your substitute was weak
It was you I did seek

Hello Shampoo!
So glad to see you
After all I've been through
You never feel new

Wash rinse repeat
Wash rinse repeat

Hello Shampoo!
I missed you!
You're no Selson Blue
Or that one with the kangaroo
You're just my shampoo
Together, us two
Me and you
My shampoo

Alex Trebek's Mustache

It seemed like one day the world was about to end. This was the day Alex Trebek released himself from the bonds of his manly mustache. It was a total culture shock, to be sure. We didn't know who Mr. Trebek was outside of his 'stache. We really only knew that he hosted Jeopardy every night at 7:30, and that he had a swell mustache. In fact, it's the only mustache to ever rival Victor Newman's.

There was a time in which we all associated Alex with his mustache. That must've been hard for any gameshow host. It's clear that Alex emancipated himself from his upper lip hair before he went crazy.

But what has Alex's 'stache been up to for the last ten or so years?
I'm glad you asked. And I'm glad you asked in the form of a question.

The 'stache has recently been seen on Mount Rushmore and even made a brief appearance on Britney Spears.


You might say that Britney's comeback success could be a direct result of her association with Mr. Trebek's mustache. You might not. But I'm going to.

In an attempt to regain the confidence of frequent flyers after September 11, Alex's 'stache took over flying duties on several major airlines. It was his way of saying "Don't worry baby. Everything's going to be just fine." And the only problem with planes since was a few poisonous snakes. But Samuel L. Jackson took care of that problem for us.


And yes, even yours truly got accquainted with the 'stache. Heck, I could be Alex's stunt double with that thing on. Or maybe, just maybe, his Daily Double Stunt Double...?

I'd also like to point out that when Trebek is 'stache-less (is that even a word?) he sorta looks like one of my closest friends, Mr. Peter Fairley. Coincidently, Peter shaved off his goatee around the same time Trebek parted ways with his mustache.

And on that note, I need more Dayquil.
- ryan

Top 11 Awesomely Awesome Things

Just sit back and relax. Enjoy this ride. There's enough random in here to randomize your rando-meter.

11. Supermarket Sweep
Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune ain't got nothing on Supermarket Sweep. This was hands down the best game show on Earth (excluding Bumper Stumpers) and the proof is in the pudding! What other game show had their contestants run around a grocery store and fill up their carts with random shit?

Castle Mother Effing Grayskull

10. Castle Grayskull
Quite possibly the ultimate childhood toy, Grayskull was the castle that He-Man protected from Skeletor. There were traps, laser guns, and a real working jaw-bridge! 

9. Pink Highlighters
Highlighters were a big craze in the late 80s and early 90s. For a while you could only get them in yellow, and then all-of-a-sudden appeared the pink version. It seems like everything in the early 90s was neon pink and yellow anyway, so why not our writing utensils?

8. The Hoff
David Hasselhoff is just plain wonderful. What a great human being. You don't hassel the Hoff, and that makes him awesomely awesome.

7. Bacon
Everything is better with bacon. When hamburgers became boring, they put bacon on it. Real men didn't want to eat salad, and so bacon was added to Caesar salads. You can get bacon flavored chips and syrup. And I'm pretty sure that Jesus Mother Fuckin' Christ ate some good tasting bacon at the last supper.

6. Canadian Tire Money
Shit yes! You may think that CT Money is a nuisance that seems to gather up on the floor of your car, but this stuff is way more valuable than you can imagine. Take my parents for example. My dad does about 75% of his Christmas shopping with Canadian Tire money. He's not being cheap, he's being economical. And hell, these days you can get just about anything there... if you can find which aisle it's in... and the Canadian Tire dollar seems to be worth more than the actual Canadian dollar.

5. 1989-90 O-Pee-Chee Hockey Cards
Considered the greatest hockey card set ever (by me) this one had a Sakic rookie card, Gretzky with the Kings, and a lot of cards from the once-great Hartford Whalers.  THE WHALE! THE MIGHTY WHALE!
4. Vinyl 
Music is just better sounding on vinyl. Sure, an iPod is easier to use but you don't get that "warm" sound when you listen to music digitally. And I just so happen to have a lot of shitty records that were never re-released on CD... kinda like I have some shitty VHS that never came out on DVD (John Stamos is Born To Ride). Long live vinyl!

3.Twenty-eight Moosehead for the price of 24
We all know I like beer. I like beer like... really a lot. And what could be better than getting 28 of a great beer like Moosehead for the price of only 24? Well, maybe 29... but the dimensions of a case don't really lend themselves to that. Either way, I'm just happy to have a fridge full of Moosehead.

2. Randy "Macho Man" Savage

"Ooooh Yeah!!!!"

He was involved in the greatest Wrestlemania match of all-time. He paraded around with the lovely Elizabeth. He had a variety of hats and crowns that he wore. And he snapped into a Slim Jim. And even though he's dead, he's still awesome.

1. "Kokomo" by The Beach Boys
I'll be honest, this whole list was created because on my way home today I heard "Kokomo" and when that first chorus hit I felt the need to go and dance with anyone. Damn! If "Kokomo" can do that to me, maybe it can bring about world peace.


And... uh... there you have it!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

The Vasectomy

me, pre-vasectomy

You know, I wasn't going to write about this.  But then a couple of people pointed out how much they enjoyed my blog post about The Inside-Outside Penis Fiasco, and thought I should really over-share about my vasectomy experience too.

So I guess you can consider yourselves lucky, maybe, that's up to you, that here we are again talking about my junk and the trauma it has been put through.  Why you enjoy this kinda shit is beyond me, but if having my penis on your mind is the only way to have it somehow inside of you then I guess a blog post will have to do.

I decided last summer that I wanted a vasectomy.  I have two wonderful children - they're smart, beautiful, funny, creative, and loving.  They're also expensive, loud, and in serious need of finding the means to earn their own keep.  I love them so much that I couldn't imagine having any more.

Plus, after talking it over with a good friend of mine who had already gone under the blade, I learned that I would get a free shave of my manly area.  Fellas, if you aren't already keeping that area neat n' tidy, you really should.  If you're expecting a girl to put her face down there, it's just the polite thing to do.

But I digress.

I really had no idea what I was doing.  I thought getting a vasectomy would be a simple nut job - in and out, so I went to see my family doctor.  She had to make me an appointment with a specialist.  She didn't even want to see my penis and testicles.  Trust me, I asked.  I had given my balls a good clean shave to be prepared (and by the way, I wholeheartedly recommend the Intuition razor for such a job.  You may feel silly going to the drug store to purchase a lady razor, but when it comes to your balls, it's the best, smoothest, safest feeling shave you'll ever have.  They didn't pay me to say this, but if they need a dude to endorse their product to other men, I'd do it for them).

So a few weeks later I went to see the specialist.  Again, I shaved up nice and good.  My thinking on this was pretty simple - even though I had been told I'd get a free shave anyway, I wanted to be a gentleman about it.  If you were having a first meeting with a new lady friend, or a job interview, you'd clean yourself up in an appropriate manner.  The first time my balls are going to meet someone new, they're going to be shaved.  Simple as that.

Well, unless I was really drunk.

Anyway, this trip to the Vasectomy Specialist was pretty uneventful.  There were no sharp objects in the room, no plans to do any slicing and dicing, and he didn't want to see my penis either.  As it turned out, this was just a consultation.  It was more like an interview than anything.

me, the morning of the vasectomy

"So I hear you want to have a vasectomy."
"Yeah.  I hear they're all the rage."
"Do you have kids already?"
"I have two. A beautiful girl and a wonderful boy."
"Makes sense to me, let's cut you up."

He drew me a little diagram to show me what he was going to do.  It was both technical and rudimentary at the same time.  It wasn't to scale.  It was done on scrap paper.  It wasn't even done with a nice mechanical pencil or calligraphy pen.  The diagram Chris Morris gave me of the clitoris in 1998 was a more professional work than the diagram of my testicles.

"Sorry, I'm not much of an artist."
"I am.  I once drew my penis for a triage nurse."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it turned inside-out once."
".....Oh."

 We shook hands and I left the consultation.  I'm happy to say the doctor had a good, strong handshake.  It made me feel good about the fact that he'd be holding sharp knives and blades around my little buddy.  I was actually a little disappointed with the consultation, simply because I thought I'd be getting the operation right there and then.  I went home empty handed.  But still full-balled.

My actual operation was then scheduled to be in another three months or so.

It's like they were giving me plenty of time to change my mind.  Like, maybe over the Christmas holidays I'd decide that I wanted to father another ten or twelve kids over the next three years.    Or maybe it was just a jerk thing to do.  Because we all know that during those three months I'd likely have sex approximately three times with The Lovely Wife.  Those of you who are married will understand the math there.  Those of you not married - don't get married.  Don't bother doing the math, just don't get married.

Finally, the day came.  I had been trying for the days leading up to it to get some action from The Lovely Wife, thinking I could give her a little going away present.  It was very genuine and thoughtful, offering to give her something she would never be able to have again.  She politely declined for womanly reasons.  I argued that just because the monkey had a bloody nose didn't mean the circus wasn't in town.

No dice.

My father took me for surgery.  It was pretty cool to have him there.  It was like a royal funeral or something.  I'm the only male in my family to have produced a boy offspring, so because of me my family name will continue.  The trumpets blared as we said good-bye to my sperm.  Okay, it was nothing like that.  But it would've been cool if it was.

Actually, there was another D-list celebrity just like me waiting there to get a vasectomy.  I'm not going to name names because his business is his business, but it was pretty cool to know that we sorta had each others' backs.  When I mentioned this to The Lovely Wife she said, "if he's a D-list celebrity, then you must be an X-list celebrity."  I'd like to think she meant that I'd be a great porno star if I put my mind to it.

The doctor and nurse were finally ready to see my penis, and the accompanying testicles.  It's sort of a two-for-one deal, you know.  Naturally, I kept everything neat and tidy down there for them.  Respect, I tell you, respect.

The pain of the operation was... well, my testicles were invaded by complete strangers and they put clamps down inside to stop any sperm from going the distance.  Yeah, it hurt, but I'm not going to sit here and make an allegory for it.  Use your imagination.  It fucking hurt.  Luckily, I had just the right amount of freezing, a nurse from another area of the hospital who didn't normally do vasectomies, and one of my favorite Aerosmith songs on the radio to help distract me from the pain.

One thing that surprised me though, was that nobody asked me to leave a sample of my perfectly good sperm.  I always thought they kept a sample of it just in case.  Not in case I ever want to have a baby, but in case I lose a finger or something and they need some of my DNA to grow a new one.  Or if, like, Taylor Swift wants to be artificially inseminated.  My sperm would have totally been there for her.  But nope, they didn't ask for one.  And believe it or not, that kind of made me sad.  It had always been a dream of mine to have a pretty nurse ask me to jerk off for her.

They cleaned up some blood and told me to get dressed because they were done looking at my penis.  They recommended using a bag of frozen peas to deal with the swelling, and gave me some Tylenol-3s to deal with any pain.  I didn't actually use the pills.  I think I'll save them for something more painful, like if Scott Bryan ever figures out a way to defeat me in Monopoly.

this was actually a pretty decent read.

As I was leaving, the nurse handed me a little doggy-bag sort of thing with a lovely brochure entitled, "After Your Vasectomy".  The title seemed a little personal. Was everyone getting the same brochure about MY vasectomy?  She also sent me home with a little cup and bio hazard bag for me to bring back a sample of my semen after three months.  Awwwww yeah, she wanted me to jerk off after all.

Did you know that after a vasectomy you can still knock a girl up for up to three months?  That's right, folks.  I've insisted upon the slogan of, "up the bum - no babies" and The Lovely Wife keeps insisting that she's really tired and has been working a lot of late nights.

Recovering from a vasectomy is different for everyone.  Some people actually go back to work that day.  Some people take a few days.  I asked the doctor how long I should wait until I had hanky-panky again.  And yes, I referred to it as "hanky-panky".  After giving me the speech about the three month wait, I assured him I just wanted to make sure I didn't break anything.  "Wait a week or so," he said.  "You won't want to do anything with that for a few days."

I didn't know what he meant until day four of recovery.  Recovery for me was pretty good.  The pain was gone by day two, the swelling only lasted the first day, and I have a whole bag of frozen peas in the freezer that I can either use for a Sheppard's Pie or hold on to for the next time I have a vasectomy.  The bruising, however, took me by surprise.  The doctor wasn't kidding about not wanting to do anything for a few days.  My junk was so bruised up that it pretty much retreated back to basic training.  On day four, I woke up - typically - with morning wood.  No big deal.  Ask any guy, it's pretty much a daily occurrence.

not actually my penis

But I decided to take a look down there, knowing full well that I was bruised up pretty good.  I knew my dick would look like it had taken a beating, and not the type of beating you'd want your dick to take, but I wasn't prepared to look down there and see Two-Face from the Batman comics.  One side of the dick was totally normal, and the other side was bruised and purple and flipping a coin.

Two weeks passed, and I was all healed up.  I was happy.  Happy because I knew I wasn't about to have any more children.  Then The Lovely Wife started oddly craving Pepsi and puked her guts out with a sickness in the early morning.  As I brought her up a glass of water, she looked up at me as if to say, "uh-fucking-oh."

The Clear Blue pregnancy test came back as "Not Pregnant", which was great because:
A) we definitely weren't having more kids
B) I didn't have to throw my back out by throwing her down the stairs
C) I'm not a big fan of irony
D) all of the above

I was so excited that I almost went out and bought her a cake with "Congrats You're Not Pregnant" on it.

Thanks for reading.  I'm going to end today's blog post with a little Improexophonophelia.

vasectomy

by ryan matthew ewing

vasectomy, vasectomy, vasectomy

free health care, free health care, free health care

vasectomy, vasectomy, Vasectomy

one vasectomy is still cheaper than ten abortions

vasectomy

me, post-vasectomy

Don't Wanna Kiss Your Thing

Back in Spring 1998, at the lustful age of seventeen, I was sitting in my Creative Arts class, working on a large drawing of all my Scourge characters. I had become absolutely obsessed with Aerosmith. It seemed like I couldn't have a conversation without bringing up one of their songs. Steven Tyler was my hero, and sometimes I'd refer to him as my "spiritual father".

We were listening to the radio in class when suddenly I could hear Tyler's signature voice. Could this be their new single from Nine Lives? I thought to myself. Nope, I'd listened to that album at least one hundred times and told my friend's Rebekah and Laura everything about the album at least two hundred times. I would've recognized a song sooner. I had all their albums, so the only logical explanation was that this song was something completely new.

I waited by the radio until I got the chance to hear it again and tape it off the radio.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing is a beautiful song. The lyrics, the melody... I really thought Steven had outdone himself with this one. Then, as it gained more airplay, the CD became available. The Armageddon Soundtrack which had enough Aerosmith songs to pretty much be an Aerosmith album, was pretty solid as far as soundtracks go.

Pretty soon though, "IDWTMAT" started getting lots of backlash. But why? Aerosmith had done love songs before and they were huge hits. People loved Angel, Crazy, and the best of them all, What It Takes. Were people just sick and tired of the formulaic "Aerosmith Ballad"?

Then the news broke: Oh my God, this song wasn't written by the Tyler/Perry songwriting combo. No, the Toxic Twins had nothing to do with it. IDWTMAT was written by Dianne Warren. And she was best known for Celine Dion songs. Celine Fucking Dion.

Before you knew it, a country singer also recorded the song and people were saying things like "Did you hear Aerosmith's remake of that country song?" Suddenly people were referring to the band as sell-outs, calling them Aero Supply, and making it hard for anyone to be an Aerosmith fan. Even Steven Tyler himself has referred to the song as I Don't Want To Kiss Your Thing. Is this the song that made Aerosmith so jaded? Yes, that pun was intentional. You might even say that IDWTMAT was "Hey, Over-Play-ded". Okay, that wasn't quite as funny.

So where does the song stand all these years later? Some people really hate it. And I mean absolutely loathe it. But when you think of how many married couples had their first dance to this song, and how many children were probably conceived to this song, it kinda lightens it all up a bit. Call me a softy, but I don't really mind this song at all. Mind you, being the obsessed Aerosmith fan that I am, I do have a harder rock mix of it, and that's the one I tend to listen to.

It's also a different song when listened to from different perspectives.  Mostly these days when I hear this song it's because I'm singing it to my daughter as one of her lullabies.   Don't get me wrong, she loves "Dream On", and her favorite Aerosmith song is "Livin' On The Edge", but when it's lullaby time, she really wants to hear  that song from the movie about the asteroid.

I guess it all comes down to personal taste. I mean, there will always be crappy music that is popular while some real artists are over-looked. Even Aerosmith themselves are victims of it. While their popular songs like IDWTMAT, Crazy, Jaded, Cryin', and Pink flourished on the radio, some of their real gems of the same time period like Eat The Rich, Beyond Beautiful, Taste Of India, and Hangman Jury are barely recognizable to the public. I'm not going to pass down a judgement that is set in stone, but I will say if you like the song, good for you. If you don't, and you don't mind missing a thing, then that's no problem either.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Superman French Fries

les patates frites du superman!

There are days that I wonder what is so special about being Canadian. Sure, we have national healthcare and gun control. We invented hockey and don't start wars with anyone. Big deal. If you ask me, the best part about growing up in Canada was the luxury of eating Superman French Fries.

Yup, Superman French Fries. The Man of Steel was no stranger to food tie-ins, having already had his own amazing brand of peanut butter, but these fries were only available in Canada. Funny, considering Superman stands for "Truth, Justice, and the American Way."

Essentially, these were just frozen french fries, similar to McCain Superfries but they had something else very special. You could instantly win a Super Powers action figure. Now, in the early 80s those Super Powers toys were the shit. And I mean quite possibly the best toys ever made. You'd push Superman's legs together and he would punch. Squeeze together the arms of The Flash and his legs would run. Robin would chop, etc, etc. And here you could get a fucking free action figure just for eating french fries! Goddam!

Looking back on the potato slices, I'm always kinda surprized that the Metropolis French Fry Corporation would need Superman to endorse their product. I mean, kids already like french fries. It's not like parents have a hard time getting their kids to eat them. Not like spinach, which needed Popeye as a spokesperson. Why didn't Superman endorse All Bran or rice cakes? When I was a kid, I would've eaten anything Superman solicited.

"Hello youngster. Try this super-flavored bowl of shit puffs!"
"Sure thing Superman! You're the greatest!"

On the back of the fry bag you could even save up UPC labels to mail-away for a free Clark Kent action figure.

Now get this: the only way to get that Clark Kent figure was in the mail. You couldn't go to the nearest Consumers Distributing and expect to find a Clark Kent figure on the shelf, no sir. Remember when you were a kid how excited you'd get if some mail came for you? I used to mail away for special G.I. Joe toys all the time, and when they came to the door it was always the happiest moment of my life. Getting a Kent toy in the mail was like having Superman come to your house for your birthday party.

I'm sad to say I never mailed away for the Clark Kent figure. And to this day I've still never gotten my hands on one.

these are obviously fake

As for the actual french fries in the bag... meh. They just taste like french fries. But, they WERE crinkle cut fries. Long after Superman French Fries were gone I'd still ask my mom to buy Crinkle Cut Fries. Maybe they just give me great memories. My wife doesn't care so much for crinkle cut fries, and she also thought Christopher Reeve was a terrible actor. Just sayin'...

I also have vivid memories of cutting Superman out of the bag and using that little piece of garbage as a toy. We weren't poor, and I had a Superman figure, but for some reason I liked playing with the cut-out from the bag. Maybe it was my first attempts at being crafty.

Lastly, I really think my mother used to tell me if I ate my Superman French Fries that I'd be strong like Superman. And these days, I could really go for a frozen bag of those super memories.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Born To Rock - The Chipmunks and The Chipettes

Released in 1988 on Quality Records, I would definitely put this in my Top 25 albums of all-time. It's also one of the first cassette tapes I ever bought with my own money. When I found it on CD a couple years ago I had to have it. Imagine my surprise when the CD had a slightly different song listing than the cassette. 

Seriously, what the fuck is that all about?  Who said it was okay to change my childhood on me like that?

The Good: Alvin and The Chipmunks rock their way through a gauntlet of 80's hits, including Bad, Faith, Mony Mony, Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Walk Like An Egyptian, Venus, and You Keep Me Hanging On. The songs themselves sound pretty good. I grooved to this more than most albums when I was young. There are songs called Diamond Dolls and The Girls of Rock n' Roll that, I believe, are originals. I know they were used in the movie The Chipmunk Adventure, which is a fun little flick too. As for the album cover, the 'munks have never looked so bad-ass. I love it. 

The Bad: I know this album is for kids, but did they really need to change the lyrics in Faith? Instead of "I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body", we are bedazzled with "I guess it would be nice if you would be my baby, I know not everybody has got a baby like you". And while it's neat to have differences between the CD and cassette, there are some songs on the cassette that I wish were still on the CD.  LA Fucking Bamba, anyone?

The Verdict: You can't go wrong with the Chipmunks. Hell, even their country album was kind of fun. If you dig 80's tunes (and chances are you do because it's retro cool right now) then try and find this album. You'll find yourself having a solo dance party in your room before you know it.

- ryan

Top 11 Cartoon Babes

Some of you may say... Hey Ryan, I don't think this is the first time you've done a list like this. And you'd be right. A few years back I did a "Top 11 Cartoon Babes I'd Give Sweet Lovin' To" in RFC 'Zine #22. Well, it's been a few years since that list and not only are there new cartoons with new babes in them, but it's possible that my tastes may have changed a bit too. If you have that old 'Zine kicking around (hold on to it, cause it's a collector's item now), feel free to do a comparison. And if you wanna tell me who you think the Top Cartoon Babes are, feel free to comment below.

So since I myself am a cartoon, here's the Top 11 Cartoon Babes I'd Give Sweet, Sweet Lovin' To.

#11 - Poison Ivy Starting this list is Poison Ivy. It's no big, dark secret that I have a thing for redheads. It must be the Irish in me. Well, like most guys, I also have a thing for dangerous chicks. Poison Ivy will love you until she's done with you and then kill you without thinking twice. A date with her would be hard though, because what kind of flowers do you give a girl who is obsessed with plants? Chances are no matter what flowers you bring her, she already has them. Except that the ones she has will kill you. I think she might also be into girls, though it's never really been acknowledged as fact. I just get that feeling when I watch her team up with Harley Quinn on Batman: The Animated Series. Possible Date Idea: Plant trees together.  Make many "log" innuendos until you've got her naked.

#10 - Nikki Wong Nikki Wong (from 6Teen) gets the approval of The Lovely Wife. In her own words, "That chick is cool." Even the most uptight, prim & proper gentlemen have a thing for the bad-ass, speak-her-own-mind kind of girl. You just know that she's got a hidden tattoo and wants you to find it. Tattoos on chicks is like a bulls eye for getting in the sack. She's cool because of her purple hair and independence. We all know that many of the perfectly pretty girls are fun to look at but boring as hell to talk to. It's the cool girls who don't wear gobs of make-up that make for fun dates. And let's not... wait... the show's called 6Teen?  Uh... shit... Possible Date Idea: Take her downtown with a few rolls of toilet paper and "enhance" a statue. Then go to the mall and make fun of all the "perfect" girls together.

#9 - Janine Melnitz Nerdy girls rule. Often overlooked, the nerdy girl is a deep-down nymphomaniac. Janine (the geeky secretary for the Ghostbusters) has a thing for nerdy dudes. And chances are if you're actually reading this list, then you're a nerdy dude. Sorry, but c'mon. Really. I'm a big geek for even writing it. Even in the Ghostbusters movie, Janine was pretty hot. You'd take her home if you had a couple beer in you. In The Real Ghostbusters cartoon though she had something that made her desirable to everyone in the show. Possible Date Idea: Take her to a museum of science & technology and show her where babies come from.

#8 - Marge Simpson Marge, let your hair down all the time! Admit it, you get excited whenever you're watching the Simpsons and Marge finds a reason to let her hair down.  Marge might just be the ultimate Yummy Mummy, and since her standards are already really quite low from Homer J, you wouldn't have to put in too much work to get her in the sheets.  And I bet she'd even cook up some breakfast in bed in the morning. Possible Date Idea: I'm an old-school Simpsons fan, so I'd take Marge bowling and finish the deal that Jacques couldn't.

#7 - Hello Nurse Hellllllllllllooooooooooo Nurse! It's just fun to say. As a kid of the 80s, developing hormones in the early 90s, it was no surprise that Hello Nurse was the coolest thing on television in 1992. Let's not forget that nurses are on my "To Do" list anyway. Just try to find a guy who doesn't like nurses. Once again though, if you pay special attention you'll notice that Hello Nurse always hung around the scientist. Once again, the hot chicks like the nerdy dudes. That rules. Possible Date Idea: Take her somewhere to see something with lots of lights and noises and cute animals. Stupid girls eat that stuff up.

#6 - Jessica Rabbit The last time I did a list like this my good friend Andrew King said "If Jessica Rabbit isn't #1 then I'll be forced to hurt you." Sorry Andrew, she still isn't number one here, but I can see why he'd say that. After all, she isn't bad... she's just drawn that way. The third redhead on the list so far doesn't crack the top five simply because of her love for animals. C'mon... she had a thing for a rabbit. You know when you download some porn and it's this super-hot girl and you're all excited and then BAM! She puts a carrot in her. The mood is ruined instantly. That's kinda how it is with Jessica Rabbit. In Who Framed Roger Rabbit she was way cooler when we all thought she was just using Roger to get away with murder. Possible Date Idea: Go to the pet store and play with the bunnies. Just don't get upset when she likes them more than you.

#5 - Arcee Uh... yeah... Arcee here is a Transformer. I'm gonna get lots of weird comments over this. I degrade Jessica Rabbit for liking animals, yet I'll get it on with a Robot In Disguise. I don't really have any kind of defense here. But, if you ask any Trans-Fan (Transformers, not Transsexuals) they'll tell you that after watching Transformers: The Movie they thought Arcee was pretty cute. And she's my favorite color. I'd even stick it in the voice actress for Arcee. Arcee is nurturing and loving, and about one-hundred feet tall. So if you're in to tall girls, Arcee is perfect for you. Possible Date Idea: Take her to get an oil job, then give her an oil job of your own... after you stick it up her exhaust pipe.

#4 - April O'Neil Hands up if you think April O'Neil (from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) should've hooked up with Casey Jones. Yeah, me too. But she never did, so that means she's fair game for all of us. April may or may not have had a large orgy party with the TMNT, and frankly, we'll never know. But what we do know is that she looked good in her yellow jumpsuit. She must've had a closet full of them, because it's all she ever seemed to wear. April was also a little older than the Turtles, so it's no shocker that they dug her. Most teenage dudes dig at least one older woman. The experience that comes with them is uncanny. Sadly, April's love life was always dragged down by her roommate, Irma's, lack of one. Possible Date Idea: Have a picnic in the sewer with her, and for god's sake bring something to eat that isn't pizza. She must be sick of that by now.

#3 - Miss Maggie Dunlop Here's the final redhead on our list today. What could be more sexy to a geek than Drew Barrymore? The answer: Drew Barrymore as a cartoon! Shit yeah! Miss Maggie Dunlop (in Curious George) represents the female version of all us male geeks. She's dorky, and likes nerdy guys like the Man in the Yellow Hat. She's a little shy too when it comes to telling The Man In The Yellow Hat about her feelings for him. She digs history, and facts, and dinosaur bones, and she's great with kids. It's actually pretty cool just how much the animation of this character resembles Drew Barrymore. Right down to her one-sided, half-smile... it really seems like you're watching Barrymore as a cartoon. Let's not forget that Curious George is simply the best animated movie since the early 90s. That can't help but be good for her hotness. Possible Date Idea: Take her to see a sunset, then ask her to spank your monkey.

#2 - Glimmer There's just something about a girl with pink hair that gets me every time. In The Secret of the Sword, Glimmer meets She-Ra's twin brother He-Man, and she digs him. Most of the girls on the She-Ra cartoon enjoyed whenever He-Man would guest appear, but He-Man always seemed to be more interested in his own sister (and that's a completely different blog post). Glimmer was hot because of her attitude towards everything. Everything was cool with her. "Hey Glimmer, let's go throw rocks at old people." She'd say "Okay, whatever you wanna do." And with pink hair like that, you just gotta find out if the carpet matches the curtains. Possible Date Idea: Take her dancing at a club with lots of flashing lights, then get her really drunk. At that point, she'll not only wanna take you home, but she'll also invite She-Ra to tag along for a threesome.

#1 - Harley Quinn This girl is totally fucking crazy. And I love crazy chicks. Harley Quinn, originally Harleen Quinzell before being seduced by the Joker, is probably the most famous character from Batman: The Animated Series. Fanboys can't get enough of her. She's totally dedicated to her psychotic, abusive boyfriend, and as mentioned above she might also have a thing for Poison Ivy. I dunno what it is about a girl who dresses up as a clown... but you just gotta love it. Harley goes to the extreme to win the love and admiration of her man. One time she almost killed Batman, but her big mistake was that she was holding him for Mr. J to make the final kill. You can't rely on Batman to just hang around and wait to be offed.  Possible Date Idea: Just take her cruisin' and see what kind of trouble you can get into together. Don't expect to get in her pants on the first date though. She'll make you earn it.

That's it for this Top 11! Hope you all enjoyed it!
- ryan