The Best of 2015!

Once again it's time to look back on what happened in a calendar year.  I do this every year, and it's important to remember that this is all my opinion.  My best isn't necessarily your best, or your mama's best, or your drug dealer's best. 

Entertainment wise, 2015 was a pretty decent year.  Here's what I liked best about it.

The Best Movies of 2015
1. Creed
Let's get one thing straight - I was fully ready to make The Force Awakens the #1 movie of the year from the time I saw the first trailer.  Then something happened.  A new Rocky movie came out.  While a new Star Wars flick is the one that made me most excited, it was Creed that had me leaving the theater fully blown away.  Props to Trainwreck for being hysterical and giving John Cena something interesting to do (I don't mean being naked).  And Cinderella was a surprising amount of fun too.
2. The Force Awakens
3. Terminator: Genysis
4. Trainwreck
5. Cinderella

The Best Music of 2015
1. Prince: Hit N' Run Phase One
I didn't buy a whole lot of new music this year, but what I did drop money on I really liked.  Prince put out two new albums this year, with the first one being incredible and the second being just okay.  Buckcherry is no stranger to this yearly list either.  Hollywood Vampires is a classic rocking album that everyone should take a listen to (Alice Cooper + Joe Perry + Johnny Depp = awesome).  A new Bon Jovi record came out with very little attention.  It's good, but is definitely missing Ritchie Sambora.
2. Buckcherry: Rock N' Roll
3. Hollywood Vampires
4. Bon Jovi : Burning Bridges
5. Steven Tyler - Love Is Your Name

The Best TV of 2015
1. The Muppets
This fall was also the most excited I've been for new TV in a long time.  The Muppets is just perfect, Supergirl keeps getting better, and Ash VS Evil Dead reminds us what we loved about Sam Raimi's flicks in the first place.  There's actually more TV I've wanted to catch up on but haven't had the time to, because there's just so much good on right now.  Hell, I could even add in some of the shows my kids watch because those are darn good too.
2. Supergirl
3. Ash Vs Evil Dead
4. Flash
5. WWE Raw

The Best Babes of 2015
1. Melissa Benoist (Supergirl)
I keep using the word "Adorkable" for this new Supergirl.  I forget where I stole the phrase from but I'm going to keep using it.  Seriously, watch that show.  You'll fall in love with her.  Paige continues to be the main reason I tune in to WWE Raw on Monday nights.  And Dillion Harper is... well, I'm sure you can figure that out.  If not, there's such a thing as Google.  Taylor Swift continues to leave messages on my phone, and Daisy Ridley has become everyone's new favorite Jedi. 
2. Paige (WWE Diva)
3. Dillion Harper (Moms Bang Teens #11)
4. Taylor Swift
5. Daisy Ridley (The Force Awakens)

So that's what I thought of 2015.
What did you like best?

- ryan

A Letter To Yukon Cornelius

Dear Mr. Cornelius,

Dude, what's up with your obsession over silver and gold? Like, couldn't you just pick either silver or gold? Talk about greedy! And more so, do you prefer white gold or yellow gold? After all, white gold kinda looks like silver. And if you ask around you'll find that some people (me included) think that yellow gold looks cheap when compared to white gold.

Changing the subject, do you happen to have a brother by the name of N.W.T. Cornelius?

And what was Rudolph really like? I mean, we all know he's "cude" (he's cude, he's cude!), but did you ever get a chance to have a real man-to-man with him over some beers? If you are talking to him soon maybe you could ask him something for me. In the song "Run Run Rudolph" by Chuck Berry there's a lyric that states Run Run Rudolph... Randolph Ain't Too Far Behind. Now tell me this. Who the heck is Randolph? Is it Rudolph's retarded brother?

I shouldn't really occupy any more of your time. I'm sure you have ores to mine, monsters to harrass, and dentists to push around. Have a good Xmas.

- Ryan Fan Club

Tanner Claus Is Coming To Town?

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the place
Ozma, my cat, was giving a chase;
The stockings were hung by the gawdy green tree
In hopes that we'd be visited by Uncle Jesse;
The bottle of white wine was nearly all done,
While visions of "Full House" played in re-run;
And Dana in her jammies, and I my pink shoes
Had just realized we were all out of booze,
When out of nowhere there arose such a noise
I then thought the cat had knocked over my toys
When, what to my wondering eyes should be seen
But Danny Tanner, whose jokes were not clean
With a friend saying "Cut it out" on the phone
I knew in a moment it was Joey Gladstone.
The Tanner family had finally came,
And they hugged and laughed and called out their names;
"Now DJ! Now Steve! Now Michelle and Stephanie!
On Comet! Kimmy Gibbler! On Alex and Nicky!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard before long
The dancing and remaking of a hit Beach Boys song.
Knocked over the bottle as I turned around,
Thru the chimney Uncle Jesse came to rock down.
He was dressed all in leather from his head to his hand
And his sideburns attached to a mullet so grand;
An electric guitar he flung on his back,
A gift from the Rippers about five years back.
He had awesome hair from all of the mousse
That stayed in place and never came loose
A wink of his eye and a point to his head,
Warning not to touch the hair or I'd end up dead;
He plugged in his guitar and ever so clever
He sang a Christmas version of his big hit, "Forever".
He then waved good-bye, a disappointing rub
But Uncle Jesse had a gig that night at the Smash Club.
And I heard him exclaim, as he rocked out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all! Have Mercy! Good-night!"

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2015

 It's that time of year again, when I open up my heart and let you in on all my Christmas wishes for this holiday season.  While some of these may seem a little far-reaching, or even unattainable, I'd like to remind you that in the past I wished for several things that did come true (a Stanley Cup in Boston in 2011, the Ruby-Spears Superman cartoon on DVD, and a new Aerosmith album, just to name a few).  And of course there's one item that has eluded me since Christmas 1999.  So, as usual, we'll start there.

A Goddam Frigging Uncle Jesse Doll
Look, there's something that can be said about being persistent.   This doll has been at the top of my Christmas Wish List for just about forever (...and I'd ask the sky just what we had...), and I haven't gotten it yet.  Not either version of the bloody thing.  Originally I was simply asking for the Rockin' Uncle Jesse.  The one with the guitar and red shirt.  The guitar opens up to show pictures of Jesse's family.  These days, though, I feel as though my Christmas Wish has compounded interest and I won't settle for just the Rockin' Jesse.  Nope, I want the four-pack of dolls that include Uncle Jesse, Aunt Becky, and the twins.  I've seen these on eBay for about $200, still in their packaging.  I'm not picky.  They don't need to still be in the package.  I'd just take them out and play with them anyway.  So, if everyone would just chip in a few bucks, my Christmas wish could come true.  Now, I also realize that I could drop my own money on these toys, and that's okay, but here's the thing - I really want this given to me as a gift.  I want someone to find this doll somewhere and think of me.  Please, don't spend two hundred bucks on a toy.  Unless you want me to love you forever (...because I'll be so happy loving you...).

There's plenty of mercy to be had by all!

More Beer from Wychwood Brewery
I'm a big fan of Hobgoblin, and all of it's ugly sisters.  Seriously, King Goblin makes me all happy inside.  Even Hobgoblin Gold is a nice afternoon ale.  The Wychwood Brewery has been making quality beers for the better half of my legal adulthood.  The one exception is "Scarecrow", which is a fucking horrid piece of shit beer.  Stop brewing it, guys.  I'd like to see a return of Fiddler's Elbow and Black Wych, or an easier way to get Imperial Red than buying a gift pack that includes a bottle of Scarecrow.  So let's see what else these brew masters can come up with.  Maybe something with a dragon on the label?  Or a fire-breathing unicorn drinking blood? I know!  A one-eyed rabbit!  Those guys are awesome.  Keep up the good non-Scarecrow brews!

Christopher Reeve as Superman again

He'd whoop Batman's ass.

A few years back, some of the lost Superman IV: The Quest For Peace footage turned up as bonus material on a DVD release, but it wasn't all of it.  I'd really like to see that movie in it's entirety, even if it is a piece of shit.  Even if the graphics are awful, and the story is boring, and the actors are just phoning it in.  To me, it's another chance to see Christopher Reeve as Superman.  Hell, I'd even settle for someone using some nifty animation to fill in the gaps of the story.   But why stop there?  Why not make some direct-to-DVD animated features in the style of the classic Superman movies?  There were plot ideas for Superman battling with Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk, and since CGI is good enough now to pull it off, all you'd need is some voice-alikes to make it all work.  Brandon Routh even sounded like Reeve when he did Superman Returns.  I'd buy them.  I'd watch them.  I think it's something that would make us all happy.
Note: In the meantime, there's a very good fan video on YouTube of Christopher Reeve's Superman battling the Hulk.  You should watch it.

A Lifetime Supply of Almonds
This one shouldn't be too hard to take care of.  Let's suppose I eat thirty whole almonds each day.  We then multiply that by how many days I expect to live, and it just becomes an easy math equation.  We let "A" represent almonds, "R" represent me, and ... and... math is hard.

don't forget to carry the one!

naughty time with you, me, and the lovely wife
I'm just gonna leave this here until she gives me trouble for it.

...or how about just a goddam Uncle Jesse doll?  Is it too much to ask?

- ryan

The Star Wars Holiday Special

Holy Mediclorians!

If you had any doubt in your mind that this "lost" Star Wars story never really happened, I'm here to tell you that the nightmare is real.

Well, it's not that bad. Or is it? Sure, the acting is horrible. There's little to no action at all. And some of it just drags and drags. But that's the main problem with this two-hour, rarely seen Star Wars adventure. It's just too freakin' long.

Chewbacca and his family celebrate Life Day on their planet (which looks much more peaceful than it did in Revenge of the Sith) and his family are worried because Chewie is late. Remember, our favorite Wookie just helped Whiney-Face Skywalker blow up the Death Star, so that makes him a wanted walking carpet in the eyes of the Galactic Empire. There's a few guest appearances (including Jefferson Starship) that don't make any sense and serve no real merit to this show. So if you ever get a chance to watch it, just skip past the crap. And not once do we see Darth Vader in a Santa hat.

Not even a cameo by my favorite babe of all-time, Bea Arthur, can save this special. Han Solo finally shows up with Chewie, then Princess Leia breaks out into song, and everyone has a super-duper Life Day. Except for maybe Bea Arthur, because the Empire shut down her Mos Eisley bar.

If The Star Wars Holiday Special has any saving grace, it's the cartoon featuring the very first appearance of Boba Fett. The animation was pretty cool, and having the real voices of Luke, Han, and Leia was nice too.

If you're a fan of Star Wars or just bad movies, you should try and check out the infamous Holiday Special. I won't lie to you. It's damn awful. I wasted two hours of my life watching it. Do you know how much internet porn I could look at in two hours? Still, I think I'd rather sit thru The Holiday Special again than watch the first Ewok movie.  And I've now seen the Holiday Special eight times.  Yep, I have that kind of mental resilience.

- ryan

this year was Ryleigh's first time watching the Holiday Special, and she loved it.

 

Santa's Little Helper (review)

You know when wrestlers make movies that they're going to be amazing.  Remember No Holds Barred?  They Live?  Suburban Commando?  Anything starring Kane or John Cena?

Clearly the sarcasm meter is going off at a rampant pace here, even though I do hold a special place in my heart for Santa With Muscles.  Seriously, I watch it every year.

So what would make me want to watch a Christmas movie produced by the WWE?  Paige - the two time Diva's champion, that's who.  I haven't kept a secret about my secret crush on Paige (don't worry, my wife is well aware of it).  I even bought the Paige action figure.  I swear, it just sits on my desk.  I don't do anything odd with it.  Realistically, the only reason I even bought the DVD of Santa's Little Helper was because Paige is in it.  This little romp is about The Miz trying to get a job as Santa's right-hand man.  I know, it sounds like the Emperor and Darth Vader on the surface, but it's not.  The Miz is put through a series of trials by an elf with round ears to see if he's the one for Santa.  Eventually, Eleanor (Paige's naughty elf character) catches wind of this and challenges him for the job.  I don't want to spoil the ending here, but since you probably aren't going to watch this flick anyway, neither Paige or The Miz get the job.  There.  Your Christmas is now ruined.

She's such a naughty elf!

The Good - uh... well, I certainly enjoyed all of Paige's screen time.  I wasn't aware that I could get a boner while watching a PG movie, but, hey we're almost living in the year 2016.  Also, it seems like one of the movie's locales was the same one used in Ernest Saves Christmas, which made me pretty happy and nostalgic.  Ernest Saves Christmas is a wonderful little adventure that makes me miss Jim Varney every year.  That timeless rendition he does of "O Christmas Tree", and the spot-on performance of Santa Claus truly makes Ernest Saves Christmas a holiday classic.  Yes, I realize I've spent my allotted space on the film Ernest Saves Christmas, and not Santa's Little Helper.  Fully aware.

The Bad -Do you want to start with the acting or the music or the effects?  How about the story?  Or the films action sequence?  How about the fact that I dropped twenty bucks on this DVD then saw it for only $13.99 somewhere else the next day? 

The Verdict - Let's not kid ourselves here, I knew this movie was going to suck when I bought it.  And yet, when The Lovely Wife wondered why I was buying it, I tried to justify the purchase by suggesting, "it might just surprize us."  Also, I sat through the whole thing, which might seem pretty amazing, but I'm also the guy who made it through the Star Wars Holiday Special eight times, and Santa With Muscles every year since 2003.  I know all of Blake's rules by heart.  So I can't shit on Santa's Little Helper too much.  I mean, I did drop the twenty bucks on it on purpose.  And the scene where The Miz gets his face buried in Paige's naughty-elf-area for, like, five minutes was effing awesome.

- Ryan

Fruitcake: Ryan's Guide

Fruitcake!
That's right, everyone's (*ahem*) favorite holiday tradition is back with a vengeance. The holiday fruitcake is one of those gifts you give someone when you don't know what to give. Oh, I'll just get them a fruitcake, you've probably said on several occasions over the last few years. Really though, what do you give to your cousin who only visits to drink your beer?  

You give them a goddam fruitcake.

Part One - The Origin of Fruitcake
The first fruitcake wasn't invented so much as it was discovered. It was a warm winter day in West Palm Beach back in 1912, when Wilbur MacDonaldsonisoningsly was being evicted from his bungalow. As his landlord walked away from the house, Wilbur didn't want to look like a fool in front of his wife and kids, so he did what he thought was right in his head. He pulled a loose brick from the house's foundation and hurled it with all his might at his landlord's head. One direct hit later and Wilbur was on top of his landlord, cradling the man and screaming at him. To try and be ironic, Wilbur then forced the brick down his landlord's throat, choking him to death. The brick itself had become spotted with the landlord's blood, giving it a two-color appeal.
And thus, the fruitcake was born.
Now, people of all class levels bake cakes until they are completely in-edible and decorate them with hideous pieces of red fruit to give to people they'd just as soon forget, but know they need to please anyway. In many ways Wilbur was an inventor, a martyr, and even a poet.

Who actually enjoys making this for people?

Part Two - Famous Fruitcakes
You'd think that the rich and famous, with all their money and glamorous power, wouldn't bother giving away fruitcakes. Well, you'd think wrong. Movie stars like Will Smith have probably lost touch with the lesser known characters from The Fresh Prince. Geoffrey, the butler on the show, probably receives a fruitcake from Mr. Smith every Christmas. Well, he probably gets it a few days after Christmas, because let's face it the guy who played Geoffrey never even got his name in the opening credits.
I'd imagine hip-hop superstars give fruitcake with gold and diamonds on them to replace the actual fruit. This seems to have a certain "je ne sais quois" to it and would defeat the entire purpose of the fruitcake.
Cartoon characters most definitely give fruitcakes as gifts, but they blow up.

Part Three - Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake
A little off topic? Perhaps. But I think it's important to note that in late 80's/early 90's WWF Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake went from being a bad-guy to a good-guy. When he did that, then-commentator turned now-governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura started calling him Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake. This is because Ventura always cheered for the bad guys and booed the good guys. The lesson here is that if you don't act bad every once in a while, people will go so far as to change your name to either the most-hated holiday gift, or a homosexual rendition of said name.
Was Ventura right to do so? Only you can be the judge. After all, "The Body" is now a governor... while Brutus The Barber is over-weight and out-of-work.

Part Four - Other Uses
Fruitcake doesn't have to be eaten. Most people don't even bother. Do you have a table that wobbles? Put the fruitcake under the leg. Do you have a mess of papers on your desk that blow away when you open a window? Set the fruitcake on top of them. Does your car roll back when you put it in park? Set the fruitcake behind your back wheels. The possibilities are pretty much endless here people. Did your husband go away on business and leave you feeling unsatisfied? No problem! That fruitcake can easily be your greatest love affair and, unless you film it and put it on the internet, only you and the cake would know. After all, fruitcakes are great listeners. They aren't selfish, and you won't outlive them either.

Part Five - Why Nobody Likes It
If you ask people why they don't like fruitcake, they'll usually tell you the same answer: Because it's fruitcake, goddamit!
Now, depending on where you live and who you talk to, the use of profanity may different. Some may respond with a classic Motherfucker at the end, while others insist on keeping it clean with a good ol' fashioned Gol' Darnit.
This leads us to believe that we as a society don't truly understand why we hate fruitcake. The hatred for this holiday tradition has been passed down from generation to generation much like Star Trek geeks are inclined to name their first born sons "Spock" (you don't know how fucking stupid that is). So let's all give fruitcake a chance this year. Let's put fruitcake on our Christmas Lists to Santa Claus. Let's go to parties and say things like "Gee, you know what would go great with this glass of wine? A nice slice of fruitcake, just like mama used to make!". And then, after we've all settled down in this porcelain doll utopia we can reflect upon how pathetic we are for being the only pussies on the planet who wanted to eat fruitcake.
Fruitcake is shit. Don't give it to people unless you want to be kicked in the balls (or Vag as it may be).
So if I ever give you a fruitcake, you probably shouldn't eat it. Chances are I went pee-pee in it.
Goodnight!     

Mrs. Claus Is A Total Babe

Just wait 'til she lets her hair down.

You know it's true.

When Kris Kringle started bringing toys to the dim village of Somberville, he wasn't just out to squash the plans of the evil  Burgermeister Meisterberger. No, no, au contraire mon ami, he was also looking for some lovin'.

Kringle was obviously a man of good taste, because he started putting the moves on Miss Jessica rather quickly. At first she wasn't sure of the man in the red suit giving toys away to all the good girls and boys. I imagine there's a deleted scene out there somewhere of Miss Jessica down at the police station checking up on Ol' Kringle to see if he has any kind of weird criminal record. And then when she finds out that the dude is completely clean, well, it's love. Aww, ain't that sweet.  Kind of like real life these days, eh?  You meet someone one some random hook-up site, then check to see if they have a criminal record or not.  Nobody has time these days to wait until the third year of marriage to see if their baby-daddy is an Alkie or not.

So what do you suppose it was that attracted Kris to Jessica in the first place? What made him want to say, "Hey baby, wanna be Mrs. Claus?"

The babe's got big innocent eyes, and I'm sure Kringle digs that. After all, he likes people who are true and kind, and he did come from that kind of background himself. Then there's Jessica's hips. Every man loves a woman with nice hips. And let's not forget the fact that she's a stop-go-animation puppet. So she could be put in any position Santa desires.  Some nights Santa wants to be on top and make sweet love.  Some nights, he wants to put Mrs. Claus on the naughty list.  Don't act so surprised. 

So, uh, anyway, here's to Miss Jessica (eventually Mrs. Claus), the one true babe of Christmas! 

no funny comment here.  just thinking how great of a life jolly ol' saint nick must have.

Don't Vote For Me

...seriously.

I'd make a pretty horrible Prime Minister.

Not that what we have right now in Canada isn't pretty terrible, but I'm definitely not the guy for the job of running a country.  Especially not a country the size of Canada.

Canada's a big place, and on October 19th, the citizens over the age of eighteen will take to the polls to elect who they think should be Prime Minister.  Well, let's be realistic, we'll be lucky if half of registered voters actually take the time to go do it after whining on social media about the awfulness of which party leader they dislike the most.  I'm okay with that so long as they don't vote for me.

Let's face reality - if I were elected Prime Minister of Canada, I'd be doing some things that would be people up in arms and shake their fists in the air.  First off, all vegans would have to leave the country.  It's nothing personal (at least I don't think it is), but if you aren't going to eat the food put in front of you then you go away.  For example, if my daughter doesn't eat the meat on her plate at supper time she goes straight to bed.  In the case of me being Prime Minister, "bed" would be somewhere else.  Possibly France.

If I were the PM, there would be news story after news story about me engaging in scandalous affairs with my interns.  I got nothing to hide there.  I haven't even done it yet and I'm telling you all that I would.  I'd probably employ a new intern every couple of weeks too.  That's where your tax dollars would go.

Speaking of taxes, I wouldn't raise taxes.  I wouldn't necessarily lower them either.  I'd just re-allocate them.  You see, most people don't realize that our country is actually a business, the people in government are the employees, and the citizens are the customers.  So we NEED taxes to make sure that we have access to police, ambulances, fire fighters, etc, etc.  The goal of every business is to make money - and Canada isn't doing that.  So let's suppose you were the CEO of a business that had been consistently losing money and showing no growth over a period of eight years or so.  You'd be really fortunate to still have a job. 

Would I legalize marijuana?  Yup.  I don't even smoke weed, but I'd make sure it was very available to those who do, so I could tax it properly, and maybe fix a few roads in the process.  While I'm at it, I'd legalize prostitution, so those aforementioned interns could help pay for their tuition.  

Oh, and old people?  Sorry, but you won't be allowed to drive anymore.  This little initiative will ensure better driver safety and reduce the amount stress induced anger around the country.  And plus, old people smell like old people, so keeping them in a stuffy car isn't a good idea for anyone.  But don't worry, old people I won't send you away with the vegans.  We'd miss your wrinkly little smiling faces too much.  So I'd offer free bus passes for the aged.  These special passes, paid for by the old peoples' taxes, can be used on Sundays between 8am and 1pm so they can go to church, and also on Tuesdays between 10am and 6pm so they can shop in places that offer seniors discounts.  Other than that, old people will be staying at home where they will be safe, cozy, and out of the way.

The flag?  I'd mostly leave it alone, but I might consider adding a watermark of my face on there.

More Canadian hockey teams?  You best believe I'd work at getting Halifax a hockey team!  There are enough NHL teams currently that one of them could move to Halifax.  Let's see... I know!  I'd move the Montreal Habs there! 

I'd also make traveling in this country a little easier.  So many people want to visit the west coast and beautiful Vancouver.  But the travel can be pretty long and tiring.  No problem!  We'll simply remove Saskatchewan and squeeze Alberta and Manitoba together.

Also, I hate the winter time.  So while you're all suffering through feet upon feet of snow, I'd be conducting all of my Prime Minister duties from Florida.

Oh, and lastly, regarding our Monopoly money - I'm absolutely against having a five dollar coin.  I'd probably go ahead and bring back the red two dollar bill too.  I actually cringe to myself when I catch myself saying the word "toonie".  I'm fine with the one dollar coin, as very little costs only a dollar anymore anyway (screw you Dollarama), but I'd put in a motion to bring back The Shinplaster - a nifty and useful twenty-five cent bill that circulated around the time of the Great Depression.

So you can vote for Justin Trudeau or Stephen Harper or Brian Mulroney if you want.  Your choice is your choice and that's a beautiful thing.

I'd never tell you who to vote for, but seriously, don't vote for me.

- ryan

Obligatory Blue Jays Blog

It seems like everyone around has Blue Jays fever right now.

I think those die-hard Jays fans who have been around for years really deserve to see Toronto win another World Series.  I'm a Red Sox fan, but I can recognize that the Jays have been working on building this team for a few years now. And I do like seeing hard work pay off.

To be honest, I don't really care who wins the World Series.

I live in Canada and don't even cheer for a Canadian hockey team, so the likelihood of me being a Jays fan is pretty small.  But I do remember the excitement of Joe Carter, Roberto Alomar, Todd Stottle... Stoddle... Stodtel...Oscarmayer, and Cito Gaston from '92 and '93.  I even had a World Series champs shirt.

my 1992 baseball card.

Those were the days.

I mean, I guess they were.  I don't remember them all that well anymore.  As a kid I liked the Expos too, mostly because they had Youppi as their mascot.  I met him in the summer of '92 when I went with my dad to an Expos game.  Youppi didn't have time to talk though because his very attractive assistant told me that, "Monsieur Youppi aas ay teyleyfonn cahl."

Wow, the French-Canadian accent is a hard one to type out.

Anyway, back to the Blue Jays.

In 1999 I went to a Jays game with my buddy and pseudo-brother Brian.  We sort of went on a lark and had a great time.  Mostly because Tony Fernandez was there.  Tony Fernandez is the all-time greatest baseball player in the history of sports.  He was so good at baseball, and at being Tony Fernandez, that he could have excelled at anything he put his mind to.

God.

But enough about Tony Fernandez, let's talk about Kelly Gruber.  When I was ten years old I had a life-sized Kelly Gruber poster that hung in my basement.  Me and all my friends, because we were a bunch of ass-hats, called him Kelly Booger and used the poster as a dart board.  One of my friends took a dart and dug out a hole in Gruber's crotch.  It was big enough to put your fingers in and totally ruined the drywall in the basement.  Come to think of it, looking back on that poster... having a huge hole in Gruber's crotch was really weird.  I can only hope that none of my friends had any weird ideas of what to do with that poster when I would go to the bathroom.

So these days I'm seeing a lot of "Go Jays Go" around town, and part of me wants to assume it's because the Maple Leafs fans are so sick of seeing their team suck at anything NHL related that they'll become baseball fans while it's chic to do so.  The better part of me knows that nothing makes Canadians happier than having the opportunity to be better at something than the Americans.

But, it does look like fun to be cheering along with them.  And girls look really sexy in baseball hats.  So if the Blue Jays are the flavor of the month, maybe I'll try and... CATCH THE TASTE!

- ryan
(...check out this really flattering picture of me from 1992.  I bet I got all the chicks.)

Our Kids Get Away With Shit

The other night we went out for a little family dinner.  Nothing too fancy, mind you, or nothing very chic either.  We had burgers at Kelsey's.  The point, though, is that we weren't at home.  We were out in public.  Among other people.

And Grayson took a big shit at the dinner table.

And then a part of me actually thought to myself, Must be nice.  Why can't I just take a big ol' shit at the dinner table and get away with it?

I mean, he did it right at the table!  Grunted, pushed, and turned his face red as he squeezed out a monster turd.  And we actually encouraged it like it was cute.  "Uh-oh, someone's having a big poopie," we said.  Other people in the restaurant looked over and made cute faces at him when they should've been disgusted by what he was doing.  If I just up and shit myself at the table those old people would have had me arrested.

So I got to thinking about all the crazy shit kids can get away with that us grown-ups can't.

Like, the shitting in public is a pretty obvious one, but what about talking back to people of authority?  Back in the day you wouldn't think twice about smacking a kid for being out of line.  These days, you can't do that though.  Kids today actually have rights, and they don't even pay taxes yet.  They can talk back to their parents or other authority figures and what do they get?  A talking to, a timeout, or maybe their toys are taken away for an hour or so.

If we talked back to our bosses with attitude, or gave police officers a hard time, we'd be fired.  Or shots would be fired. Either way, the outcome wouldn't be so good.

I've seen kids fucking pick their nose and eat it.  EAT IT! They eat it like it was second nature.  Like they were marooned on an island and it was the only thing possibly available to eat.  The wild animals were already hunted, the trees were no longer producing coconuts, so might as well eat some boogers.  Now, let's not kid ourselves here - everyone picks their nose, even adults - but if you even try to put one of those snot balls in your mouth and someone saw you there would only be one possible solution.  Nobody would ever kiss you again.  And yet, we still kiss our children goodnight, even though we've all seen proof that they have, at one time or another, had boogers in their mouths.

And what about those naps?  When I'm tired I can't throw a shit fit full of tears and screaming.  Nope.  Not allowed.  Do I get to have a nap?  No, I get to have a coffee.  Maybe we should start giving kids coffee.

At Ryleigh's bus stop the other day, this kid tripped as he was getting on the bus.  Sure, it hurts a little.  Maybe he scraped his knee, I don't know.  But you'd think that by the way he was crying and screaming and carrying on that his feet had suddenly fallen off or something.   Now that would hurt.  He didn't suck it up like a champ and take his seat on the school bus either.  He cried in the doorway of the bus while his mom coddled him and babied him.  You can imagine what that did to the line up of cars behind the school bus.  You're right - that line of cars didn't get any smaller.  Or more patient.  If that were an adult... if that were me... causing everyone to be late for work or appointments or affairs, someone would have gotten out of their car and punched me in the fucking face.  Then they would have told me to suck it up and take a seat on the goddam bus.

Amid all this rambling I'm still full aware that it's okay to have dessert even if you don't finish your dinner.  That's still okay.  That'll probably never change, no matter the generation, which political party is in power, or which different group of people are being unfairly singled out as terrorists because their clothes are different.

But something really needs to be done about all these kids taking shits at the table.  If they keep that up, how will they ever learn which fork is for the salad and which is for the entree?

- ryan

Newzinetter #9

... this escalated quickly.

Top 11 Things Said At A Funeral

*This comes from Ryan Fan Club 'Zine #1.

Buckcherry - Rock 'N' Roll

The last down n' dirty rock n' roll band in town is back for another round.

I've been a Buckcherry fan since they showed up on the scene with "Lit Up", so I'm always a little excited when they come out with a new album.  Hearing something new from them brings me back to the summer of '99, driving around with the D.W.O. doing loser laps, and trying to get into bars without any real form of ID.

The new album from Buckcherry, Rock 'N' Roll, is really good.  If you're looking for a departure from the usual Buckcherry flair, it's not here.  There's nothing overly new here, unless you count the funky horns section in Tight Pants, and that's a good thing.  Buckcherry is really the last of the old school rock bands.  And even though they weren't around during the heyday of Aerosmith, AC/DC, Motley Crue, or Guns N' Fuckin' Roses, you can feel like they belong in that club.

Last summer, Buckcherry released an EP simply called Fuck.  It was decent, but mostly a novelty when you think that it was pretty much recorded to set a record for the most times the word "Fuck" was used on an album.  Take that, hip hop!  But seriously, it worried me when the best song on the EP was the cover of Icona Pop's "I Love It", retitled brilliantly as "Say Fuck It".

What we have on Rock 'N' Roll is a return to Buckcherry basics - strong guitars, catchy hooks, and just enough swearing to make it cool but not completely unable to get on radio.  After the band had a huge hit with Crazy Bitch in '06, I think they tried relying too much on the blatant in-your-face swearing to keep themselves noticed.  Hence, the Fuck EP and a few other songs that had a good idea but lacked the hook of Crazy Bitch's pre-chorus.

I already mentioned Tight Pants, which has such a strong groove that it could have been an Aerosmith song from the Get A Grip era.  It rocks, it funks, it swears a little... it's Buckcherry at their finest.  Then there's The Madness and Sex Appeal, which follow the tried n' true Buckcherry verse-chorus-hook formula that worked on Lit Up, Everything, and Next 2 You in the past.

Wood continues Josh Todd's lyrical exploration of hooking up with chicks, while rockers like Cradle and Get With It are great to listen to while enjoying a beer.

The only throwaway for me was The Feeling Never Dies, which I seem to find myself skipping on each listen.

Overall, this is one of Buckcherry's strongest releases, and probably their most complete offering since 2006's 15.  It's tight, fast-paced, and leaves you wanting more.  Definitely worth the $9.99 I dropped on iTunes for it.

- ryan

I'm Spreading This Reese's on Everything

There are really no words to describe the joy that is now filling up inside me, as I attempt to spread this new Reese Spread on... well, just about anything.

It was recommended to me by good friends Wessy-Poo and Monica, and I ran out the next morning to buy it.

The first taste had to simply be off a spoon.  Just on it's own.  Just to see what we were really dealing with here.  Then, I did what the label illustrated - I put it on toast and apple slices.  I gotta admit, if it weren't for those sly instructions I may never have put it on apple slices. Some folks might not like the idea of spreading this glory on something healthy like a piece of fruit, but I figure if it's on the label then it's one of the primary uses.

Next came a celery stick, because when I was a kid I used to put peanut butter and cheese whiz on celery sticks.  This seemed like a natural progression to me.  And it fell in line with the "healthy" exploration that began with the apple slices.   The juncture between healthy and fun came with spreading it on a Sweet N' Salty almond granola bar.  That was damn good.

Then it seemed like a good idea to just spread it on my lips so I would be extra kissable.  Not that I'm not already kissable - I'd like to think that I'm pretty kissable.  I mean, if I weren't me, I'd probably kiss me.  So anyway, I put some on my lips and made the kissy-face at The Lovely Wife.  She didn't make the kissy-face back.  In fact, she made the ever-so-popular what-the-fuck-are-you-doing face, followed by the equally arousing why-am-I-still-married-to-you face.

All plans to spread this Reese on my junk in hopes of some sweet mouth lovin' went out the window.

Back to the food, I decided, and I spread it on a Reese Chocolate Bar.  I should mention that this was my first time ever trying the Reese chocolate bar.  I was very excited for it, but found it lacked the chocolate to peanut butter ratio that the regular peanut butter cups have.  My favorite Reese is the larger sized, two-pack of peanut butter cups. They have more peanut butter in them.  I once tried that 1-pound peanut butter cup and, while it was magical in its own right, I found it was heavy on the chocolate side.

At my recent No Vegans Allowed BBQ, I bought an eight-pack of peanut butter cups and a bunch of us spread this Reese on those.  A couple of us had orgasms.  One of us had two (I'm looking at you Wessy-Poo). 

There are a few other tests I'd like to do, but just haven't gotten around to it yet.  I'd like to use this Reese on baked potatoes, pretzels, and as a marinade for steak.  Ultimately I see myself using this spread for making peanut butter cookies. 

And let's be real, I'll get around to spreading it on my junk at some point.

- ryan

PS - I think I should go on record by saying that spreading any kind of food on your private areas isn't a really good idea.  I'm not talking from personal experience here (unless you count that time an old girlfriend and I decided to experiment with honey, which was a stupid idea for a man with a hairy chest) but more from cautionary common sense.  You don't want your penis or vagina to start attracting ants - especially RED ANTS! - or flies or homeless people looking for any table scraps they can find.  I'm about 95% sure that when the good people at the Reese company developed this tasty spread they had no intention of anyone spreading it on their bodies to make oral sex taste better for their partner.  And if they did think of developing it for sexual reasons, then wow, someone's got a wicked sense of creative imagination, and I'd be half-scared to see their internet browsing history.  So, be safe folks!  Don't attract those red ants!

Newzinetter #8

My 13th Birthday Was a Friday the 13th

Ah, August 13, 1993... the year I turned thirteen on a Friday the 13th.
What a glorious day it was, indeed.  At least in my mind I seem to think it was.  As I sifted thru photos looking for some to accompany this blog all about my thirteenth birthday, I realized I don't have any.  The early 90's weren't like today.  Not everyone had a camera in their phone to take photos of every little detail of their mundane lives.  And the phone was attached to the kitchen wall anyway.

Also, it occurred to me as I did some fact-checking that I kinda lump my 11th and 13th birthdays together in my mind.  I often reminisce about how on my thirteenth birthday I was given my first little boom box cassette player and the new Spin Doctors tape, "Pocket Full of Kryptonite."  I'm also warmed by fond memories of being given a cassette single for Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You", and how my friends and I all played a WWF Wrestling Challenge board game with the Ultimate Warrior featured on the box.  But all of that stuff really occurred in 1991, not '93.

Where the hell did my memories go?

So when I think a bit harder about all of it, I vaguely remember having a couple friends over for a sleepover, watching "Cool World" and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" on VHS, drinking an entire case of Loeb Cola, and having pizza.

My friend Brian sneaked in some dirty porno magazines that he stole from his older brother's room and we gazed over them in the basement after my parents went to sleep.

My twelfth birthday gets lost in the mix of it all, because my sister's wedding was two days after so there wasn't time to have a party or anything like that.  Luckily, the WWF was in town on my birthday and I saw the Ultimate Warrior fight Papa Shango.  However, after trying to Google anything about it, I can't find a single thing about the WWF coming to my town on my birthday.

I'm actually starting to think this never existed and it was all made up in my mind.

Being thirteen was pretty good, and it lasted about a year until I turned fourteen.

And hey, here's a photo that isn't at all from my thirteenth birthday.

The end!

Happy 16th Birthday Ryan!

Top 11 Doctors

Need a prescription?  How about someone to take a look at that mole? What about someone to fight Nazis or jam with the Electric Mayhem?

Here's 11 of the best doctors.

11. Dr. Who - I'm not a fan, but he's always around attractive British girls so he's got that going for him.
10. Dr. J. Jones - in the 70's, Aerosmith toured a few small venues under the pseudonym "Dr. J. Jones and the Interns." That would've been cool to see.
9. Doogie Howser M.D. - yo Vinny!
8. Dr. Dolittle - any excuse to have Eddie Murphy on a list is a good excuse.
7. Dr. Kahn, my dentist - he does good work.
6. Doctor Zaius - he's not just a damn, dirty ape!
5. Dr. Schlotkin - he went back to the course to work on his putts.
4. Dr. Henry Jones Jr. - they named the dog Indiana.
3. Doctor Teeth - hmmmm, usually the doc puts his fingers up your bum but I guess it's the opposite when the doc is a Muppet.
2. Dr. Mario - level twenty is the only real starting level.
1. Doc Emmet Brown - great Scott! One point twenty-one gigawatts!

The end!
(I wanted to include Dr. Huxtable, but he's not very popular on the internet right now)

So Long, Hot Rod

I was very sad yesterday to learn that "Rowdy" Roddy Piper had passed away at the age of 61.

Piper, one of my very favorite WWF wrestlers of all-time, made a huge impact on impressionable wrestling fans like myself when we were growing up and following Hulkamania right through to the nWo and into today's still stupidly named "WWE".

My earliest memories of Hot Rod were that he was the bad guy. 

I first discovered wrestling in the mid-80s on the Hulk Hogan's Rock N' Wrestling cartoon.  Week after week, the Hulkster would have to foil the dastardly plans of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and The Iron Sheik.  I knew Hogan was the champ, and that he bodyslammed Andre The Giant.  I also knew that Piper was the bad guy, because he was on the cartoon.  Little did I know that at this point Roddy had already begun his transformation from wrestling heel to crowd favorite. 

I just can't bring myself to type that Piper was a babyface.  I imagine he wouldn't have wanted to be called one either.

I was a wrestling mega-fan from 1989 to about 1994.  I ate, slept, and breathed wrestling.  It was in the Spring of '89 that Piper returned to the WWF to begin his second career there.  At first I still thought he was one of the bad guys, because I had such fond memories of the old cartoon and the sticker album that went along with it.  But then he started feuding with guys like Ravishing Rick Rude and The Mountie and he was clearly over with the crowd.

But he wasn't a babyface.  After all, color-commentator Jesse "The Body" Ventura would praise Piper's wrestling from the booth while he was quick to denounce Hulkamania.  And the real wrestling fans loved The Body because he told the truth.

I only got to see Piper fight live once in my life.  I was at Wrestlemania VI when he fought Bad News Brown, and had painted himself half-black.  That was something.

But looking back on Piper's career, what's interesting is what he taught us - that sometimes the 'bad guy' isn't really all that bad.  Sometimes he's just misunderstood in a world where he doesn't really fit in anyway.  And as time goes on, that misunderstood character can break through and get past other peoples' perceptions while not deterring from what he ever was in the first place.  In time, he isn't just accepted but actually revered and beloved by many, simply for being himself and telling it like it is.

In today's wrestling world I find something similar with Dean Ambrose.  Only time will tell if he's the real deal like Piper was or if he's trying to do a really solid Hot Rod impression for a new generation.

Piper taught us many things over the years.  That it's not just okay to wear a kilt but highly respectable, and that you can stop an alien invasion with a cheap pair of sunglasses, and most importantly that you never throw rocks at a guy who has a machine gun.

So long, Hot Rod.

- ryan

That Time I Tried To Build a Robot

When I was just a little six year old Ryan Fan Club, my family moved to a new neighborhood.  It was there, at #5 Coventry Cres., that I first started writing and drawing and creating various odd randomness.  But before I started drawing comics and wrestling magazines, I had a completely different creative ambition.

I was a cute kid.  What happened?

I actually tried to build a robot.

Two kids came knocking at the door to meet the coolest new kid in town (me!) and we quickly set out to work on our creation.

"What's your name," I asked the first boy at the door.
"Ryan," He said.  He lived down the street from me and had a friend visiting from out of town," which is how I knew he had been visiting from out of town.  "And this is my friend.  He's visiting from out of town. He's also named Ryan."
"No way," I shouted.  "My name's Ryan too!"
"Yes way!" Ryan from down the street shouted back in typical Wayne's World fashion, even though this was about four years before that SNL skit would become famous.
Then his quiet friend, who if you didn't know had been visiting from out of town, chimed in, "Do you want to build a robot with us?"

The backyard of my new house faced the backyards of the houses behind us, and there was this big space in between both areas.  Those houses were on a street called Rosemund Cres.  I was told when we were moving in that I wasn't allowed to go to Rosemund to play.  Apparently someone had been killed there earlier in the year and that street had garnered a bad reputation and my mom was a bit of a worry wart.

Now, between the two rows of backyards was just this empty space of grassy land.  It kinda dipped down a bit and was never mowed.  We didn't know if it was part of our backyard or not, but it was full of shit.  And I don't mean shit like dog poopie.  I mean random shit.  People who would move out of the Rosemund area would just leave stuff there that they didn't want to move, or when they were evicted their leftover stuff would be tossed into this junk area. 

me on the right, one of the Ryans on the left (not the one who was visiting from out of town that day)

Washing machines, random pipes, broken stereo equipment, tied-up garbage bags full of whatever, broken strollers, crutches, trashed shelving... you name it, it was probably somewhere in that trash pit scattered amongst the couple hundred emptied out Hostess potato chip bags.

1980s Hostess chips!

My new friends, The Ryans (one of whom was visiting from out of town that day) took me to this garbage heap to find the necessary parts for our robot.  Ryan, not entirely sure which one but definitely 80% sure it wasn't me, had brought some masking tape with him to put the robot together with.  We used a washing machine as the base of the body and then taped shit to it for an hour or so.

Eventually my mother saw us and told me to get out of the garbage heap.  I guess I was too close to Rosemund.  She then sent me to the Mac's Milk to buy her cigarettes with a hand written note giving me permission to get them for her.  Yes, this sort of thing actually happened in the 80s.  I've never smoked a day in my life, but I'll always remember 'Du Maurier Extra Mild 100s' because of the times my mother sent me to the store for them.  I was allowed to use her change for G.I. Joe comics, so that's okay.

But that's off topic.

A few days later, I went to Ryan's house (not the one who had been visiting from out of town for the day) to see about finishing our robot.

"What robot?" He asked me.
"The robot we were building with the washing machine," I replied.  "We never finished it.  We still need to try turning it on."
"Yeah," he said.  "Or we could just play with my Ghostbusters toys instead."

And that's what we did. 
You know, we never did find out if our robot would work or not.

- ryan

RFC Newzinetter #7

Here it is!
RFC Newzinetter #7!

Top 11 DC Movies I Wanna See

...last week the San Diego Comic-Con showed us two trailers for new DC Comics movies.  We lost our shit over the footage from Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, and then we got even more excited about the trailer for Suicide Squad.

With Suicide Squad, it looks like Warner Bros. is finally putting some stock in DC Comics characters that aren't strictly Batman - even though the movie looks to primarily feature Harley Quinn and the Joker.  This gives me hope for some other DC flicks from some of their lesser known, yet awesome, stories.

As a life long DC fan, here are eleven I'd really like to see turn into popcorn flicks...

11. Guy Gardner and the JLI
10. Deathstroke the Terminator
09. The Legion of Substitute Heroes
08. Blue Devil
07. Amethyst: Princess of Gemworld
06. Batgirl of Burnside
05. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (the full version with all the deleted footage)
04. Power Girl
03. Lobo
02. Ambush Bug
01. Billy Batson and the Magic of Shazam