Chuck Norris' Forced Vengeance

Be prepared. I took notes.

I was honestly a little worried about watching Forced Vengeance.   It was the third movie in a 3-pack of Chuck Norris flicks my dad lent me. Part of me wanted to just get it out of the way, while another part was anxious to see if it could out-do the crappy 90-minute flicks I sat through before. Well, I was honestly impressed. In Forced Vengeance we see Chuck Norris in Hong Kong, fighting to save his friend's daughter from big-business-type thugs. The Lucky Dragon Casino is the prize in the eyes of Osirus... and it's up to Chuck Norris to find out who he is and stop him. Two of his friends have been murdered in an attempt to lure The Lucky Dragon, and now the mob is after him too. 

The Good: In the first two minutes or so we are treated to four, count them four, roundhouse kicks. These same roundhouse kicks appear later in the movie, and were used for the opening credits. We have a total of nine amazing roundhouse kicks (not counting the four that were repeated from the opening, that would make thirteen) and each one is totally lethal. The story is fun, even if it is simple. Classic good guy must stop the bad guys stuff. But Chuck Norris is fortunate enough to run all over Hong Kong with two superbly attractive women. His blonde girlfriend really has some nice boobs. I wasn't planning on saying that, but I couldn't help myself. We get a little bit of nudity in this one, and if you can keep your ears focused as well during the strip club scene you'll also hear a rendition of Rick James' "Superfreak". The action sequences are exciting, and there's a good element of humor in the film as well. 

The Bad: I can't honestly come up with anything I didn't like in this movie. It's really a lot of fun. So let's just say that it would've been cool if Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked The Earth for good measure. 

The Verdict: Forced Vengeance completely makes up for the time I wasted watching the previous two Chuck Norris movies. In fact, I'd watch this one again and again. Ta Ta!

- ryan

Top 11 Presidents

the donald

You know, I rarely delve into politics.  It's not that I'm overly political, or underly political, or really have a very good opinion on politics.

But you can't take a shit anywhere in the world anymore without hearing someone's opinion of Donald Trump running for President of the United States of America.

My opinion of whether or not he'd make a good leader (my opinion is that he wouldn't) doesn't really matter.  I'm not a citizen of the USA and I've never spent the night in one of his luxury hotels.  But I've seen a lot of movies and television over the years, so here's my list of the Top 11 Presidents.

Maybe the Donald will be on this list.  Probably not.

11. Presidents of the United States of America
You can interpret this one however you want.  You can believe it's all of the presidents ever grouped together or that shitty band who had the shitty song about peaches. I'm not a big fan of either.

Seabass

10. President Sparkling Wine 
If it gets you drunk, it should be on every top eleven list ever.

09. President's Day
Is it a holiday?  Are you being paid to stay home and do nothing with your family?  Oooh la la!

08. Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Universe
Maybe the President of the USA should have two heads instead of one.

07. Cam "President Seabass" Neely
Sure, the Bruins may have sucked this year (and last year) but Neely is still my favorite hockey player of all-time.

06. The President of the Hair Club for Men
He's also a member!

05. President's Choice White Cheddar Macaroni n' Cheese
Oh my gosh, you've gotta eat this stuff.  If you live in the USA you might not have access to it, but imagine Kraft Macaroni n' Cheese that tasted a million times better.  No, a bajillion times. 

04. E.G. Marshall
He was the President in my favorite movie ever, Superman II.

03. Ronnie
He better talk to Russia before it's too late.

02. Harry "Get Off My Plane" Ford
GET OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!

01. President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  The man.

Thanks for...uh.... reading!
- ryan

Superman IV Isn't So Bad

Was Batman V. Superman too much for you? Too gritty? Too violent?

Were you expecting a Superman who believes in people and does good for the sake of doing it?

Well, that Superman can be found in the old Superman flicks. I showed my son Superman IV: The Quest For Peace the other day and he loved it. He's only fifteen months old, and was glued to it.  I can remember being seven years old in the 80s and just loving this movie.  As I got older, jaded, and far more cynical that I started to believe all the negativity about The Quest For Peace.  But seven year old me, and 15 month old Grayson love this movie.  Maybe Superman IV ain't so bad after all.

Okay, yes Superman IV is pretty bad. And here's why most people say so:

• The visual effects are total bullshit 
• There are numerous plot holes
• People breathe in space without dying
• Nuclear Man looks ridiculous 

But, and remember this is from a kid's point of view, there are some great things about Superman IV.

"Ladies and gentlemen... the ladies of GLOW Wrestling!"

Christopher Reeve still owns the role
One of the best things about Reeve's performance as the Man of Steel is that he's simply a gentleman and a friend.  He doesn't overly dissect the character to make him cool or trendy.  He's just a super guy.

me in the 80s

The music is fantastic 
John Williams wrote some new music for this movie and it was adapted by Alexander Courage.  While not as good as the original Superman movie score, it's still awesome to hear that theme play when Superman is doing something super.  It brings you into the movie and along for the action.

The movie is visually bright and colorful 
Even compared to the first three installments of the series, Superman IV is the one that looks most like a comic book.  It's bright, kind of campy, and sometimes over-the-top looking.  Just look at Nuclear Man's awful costume.  Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous, but so were super heroes and villains in the 80s.

We actually see Superman fight somebody 
Sure, the actual fighting sequences between Superman and Nuclear Man are pretty shoddily choreographed, and the visual effects certainly don't help, BUT we actually see Superman in a fight all over the world and on the moon.  With a better budget, script, dialogue, and effects, this could have been a pretty cool slug-fest to see on the big screen.  

Luthor is a mad genius trying to destroy Superman

Luthor's appearances in Superman and Superman II mostly show him as being obsessed with owning land.  But if you look back at many of the comics over the years, Luthor was an evil genius always coming up with new ways to try and destroy the Man of Steel.  The idea of Luthor sending Superman's DNA into the sun with a bullshit computer program isn't as far-fetched as you may have believed.  Nor are the notions of him shrinking Superman with a shrink-ray gun or swapping his mind with Superman's.

"My eyes are up here, Luthor."

Mariel Hemingway is pretty fun

Okay, Margot Kidder was definitely past her prime for this movie which is probably why sexy Mariel Hemingway was brought in as a love interest for Clark.  Back then they knew you don't mess with the Superman/Lois relationship... but Clark was technically considered a different person back then.  Hemingway's character (Lacy Warfield) was actually lots of fun.  The only thing she was missing was a set of L.L. initials.  

This movie features Superman more than any other Superman movie.

Say what?  You heard me.  In the original Superman movie  we don't even see Superman on screen until about the 45-minute mark.  Then, in Superman II, he spends a good portion of the movie powerless and out of the costume.  Superman III?  The less said about it the better, but again, Superman takes a backseat to Clark Kent and Richard Pryor.  Superman IV actually has more scenes involving Superman (by percentage of the movie) than any other in the series.  Heck, let's even throw Superman Returns in there for good measure.  So here, you can see why kids really like Superman IV - they aren't focusing so much on the quality and little details, they're just excited to see Superman being Superman.

So there you have it.
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace ain't so bad because kids like it.  And their opinion about a Superman movie is what should be important.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

a picture in picture of my little guy watching Superman IV and loving it.

Welcome To The Estrogeneration

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Welcome to the estrogeneration
Can you come outside and play?
Did your mama say it was okay?
What do you see when the street lights are on?
Who do you see when everyone's gone?

Say hello to the estrogentle nation
Those jeans are tighter than my last girlfriend
Acting all "Barbied" when you were born "Kenned"
With borrowed mascara from your sister's drawer
Try to act the part, but don't know the meaning of "whore"
Sluts in the ruts, avoiding the bores
Didn't know fashion had room for cold sores

Gaze back to the estrogenesis creation
When a man had to do what a man had to do
Ate an apple, kissed a snake too
But today, have your eggs over easy
Cause seeds are beautiful easy breezy
Must be something in the water or the spermicide
And that would be the estrogenocide

Welcome to the estrogeneration
The future is never or now
Came too fast but don't know how

We Saw Raffi LIVE!

Yesterday, as a late birthday present for our daughter Ryleigh, we took her to see Raffi live in concert.

If you asked my daughter what her favorite Raffi song was, she might be able to say "Baby Beluga" or "Mr. Sun", but she definitely couldn't list his entire catalogue.  It was pretty clear this Raffi concert was more for The Lovely Wife and myself.

Raffi.  The Man.

Oh, don't worry, Ryleigh knows "Bananaphone."  We're not terrible parents.

We loaded in to the Kingston Grand Theatre with about a half hour before the start of the show.  We saw some friends there, and they also admitted they were half there for themselves.

I was there for Bananaphone.

I'm not joking.  Bananaphone is one of my very favorite songs.  It's so catchy and ridiculous that you just can't help but love it.  Before the show started, I leaned over to The Lovely Wife and said, "If he doesn't play Bananaphone I'm going to be seriously pissed off."

If you're like me and you like to look at yummy-mummies, then a Raffi concert is the place to be.  But almost just as important was seeing how many of these yummy-mummies were married to ugly dudes.  It made me proud and happy for these guys, knowing that they were able to marry some beautiful ladies.  I tried not to think about too many of the details, but it just goes to show you that love isn't based solely on looks.  There's also clearly lots of alcohol involved.

Anyway, back to Raffi.

Raffi introduced himself and started playing some songs, getting the kids and adults involved.  It was great.  On the stage I saw a chair with a bunch of bananas on it.  Heck yes, I thought to myself.  This clearly had to be some sweet, sweet foreshadowing. And then he grabbed some of the bananas...

And yes, here it came...

It was time for Bananaphone...

And...

Nope.  Just some jokes about bananas and some banana based puns.

My smile quickly dropped into a look that wasn't very amused.  So Raffi played some other songs, "Tingalayo", "Anasi", and under my breath I said, "Bananaphone.  I want me some Bananaphone."

And then like a flash of lightning, Raffi burst into Bananaphone!

If you were there in the crowd with me, you heard me.  I was the guy who shouted "Wooooooooo" louder than Raffi's amplified up acoustic guitar.  It was time for Bananaphone.

Me n' The Lovely Wife, waiting for Raffi to take the stage

This might sound selfish, but I'd like to think Raffi made eye contract with me in the darkened crowd during this number.  Almost like he was singing Bananaphone just for me.  And, like you're supposed to do at a Raffi concert, I sang along and knew all the words.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, bananaphone!
Boop-bup-ba-doop-boop!

It felt good. I'm not gonna lie.  I'd like to think my life is complete now that I've seen Raffi sing Bananaphone live.  I'd put it right up there with seeing Aerosmith perform "Dream On", or being at premiere of Star Wars Episode I.  Yeah, I know The Phantom Menace sucked, but it was still a big life event to just be there.

I saw Raffi sing Bananaphone.  And not just half-ass it either.  After that song he had to put the guitar down and wipe some sweat off his head and face.  He really gave Bananaphone his all.  And for that I was grateful.

If you have kids and you ever get the chance to take them to Raffi, do so.  Just make sure they're old enough to actually be there.  This couple brought their toddler who couldn't have been more than 13 months old, and they spent the entire show trying to keep their kid occupied because the baby certainly didn't want to be there.  At forty dollars per ticket, they could have done that at home.

But, for those of you with kids old enough to pay attention and enjoy the show, it's definitely worth going.  Raffi's show is charming and touching.  It's pretty clear he loves what does and he loves making children happy through his music.

Thanks for reading.
- ryan

...and here, listen to one of my all-time favorite songs...

I'm Not Ashamed I Read...Y'Know

Back in "the day" (as many seem to call it), I used to go for long, random walks with my buddy Riot. There was never a destination planned, and we were happy so long as there was plenty of hot chicks to look at along the way.  Throw in some McDonald's milkshakes and 7-11 Hot Dogs and we were ecstatic.

Those hot dogs will fuck you up.

Long story short, we always managed to stumble upon a little game of ours called "I'm Not Ashamed I Read Porn." The idea was simple: all one had to do to play along was finish that sentence.

"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I can't actually read.".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed it's the Rosie O'Donnell Collector's Edition".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I saw my sister in one".
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, I'm just ashamed that I borrowed it from the public library."
"I'm not ashamed I read porn, but the lovely wife thinks I'm slightly obsessed with Lexi Belle."

And so on. And so on.


But the real question is: Should ANYONE actually be ashamed to read porn? Or even just look at the pictures? The Adult Industry has become more widely accepted among the general public over the past ten years. Names like Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy have become as common as Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts. Most of today's music videos are only two steps away from being porn. Don't get me wrong, I sit and stare at the "Umber-ella, ella, ella, eh eh eh" video and won't turn away even if the fucking house is on fire. Most of these pop princesses can shake n' move better than half the porn queens. And really, when you compare someone like Britney Spears to someone like Briana Banks, it's hard to tell who is actually faking it more. Lip syncing at concerts just blows... and hey, so do most porn stars!

Let's get one thing straight once and for all: Playboy Magazine is NOT pornography. It's not exactly a Disney sing-a-long either, but there is really nothing smut-like about Hef's mag. No, no, porn requires penetration. And sometimes double. And while it may not float your boat, it sure is floating someone's boat.  People aren't hiding their secret desires as much as they used to.  They just aren't insecure about them anymore.  Is the internet to thank or blame for that?  I dunno, I'm not about to become an expert on what your secret fantasies are.


(Can you tell which one is Britney and which one is Briana? I'll take either... or both!)
Pornography has broken off into so many different facets that it's "hard" to decide what you're going to look at. There's boy-girl, girl-girl, threesome, gangbang, milf, tranny, pregnant, teen, bukkake, and pretty much anything you could imagine that involves stuffing something into an orifice.  A Heineken bottle, maybe?

The recent "rise" of the porn phenomenon is mostly due to the internet, of course. These days you don't have to go to the other side of town and find a convenience store where nobody speaks English just to buy a porn mag secretly. Chances are you were looking at porn online earlier today. That's the difference between today and twenty years ago. Twenty years ago people would wake up, make coffee, and read the paper. Today, people wake up, make their coffee, and then sit in front of their computer and watch people fuck each other. Progress?

There's not much in my local newspaper anymore anyway.  What about yours?

So you really shouldn't be ashamed that you read porn... assuming that you actually fucking read it. I'm not ashamed that I read porn. But I am a little ashamed that I felt the need to write an article about justifying it. 

Reasons You Shouldn't Be Ashamed To Look At Porn:
1. It's way more common than you think. It's not just an industry for men anymore.
2. It's educational. You can learn new tricks and positions to try with your partner.
3. It's a fantastic stress reliever.
4. You're going to go blind someday anyway.

Thanks for reading!

- ryan

Carrots and Peas

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Carrots and peas, carrots and peas
A side of cold gravy
But no meat please
Butter n' cheese, butter n' cheese
An apple a day
And forget how to sneeze

It's rare that she eats meat
So rare, so rare
Not even a nibble on the edge of her teeth
She says, "It all tastes like feet
With hair, down there
And every dirty speckle that lays underneath!"

Carrots and peas, carrots and peas
I'm sure she's convinced
She'll get a disease!
Coffees and teas, coffees and teas
Without any protein
She surely will freeze

She's done well for her convictions
Well done, well done
Who'da thunk that tofu could taste so delish?
But she's leniant on her restrictions
How can you be
Vegetarian when you eat chicken and fish?

Carrots and peas, carrots and peas
Won't fuck her boyfriend
But hugs all the trees
Carrots and peas, carrots and peas
She'll soon fade away
Yet not soon enough please

Cyndi Lauper Is A Hot Old Lady

I'd do her.
There's just something really cool about Cyndi Lauper. She's on my list. You know, that list your significant other allows you to have. The list of celebrities you could sleep with if you ever had the chance. Yeah, Cyndi's on that list (along with Alicia Keys, Gwen Stefani, Taylor Swift, and a about three dozen porn stars). Cyndi was the crazy chick that you were almost scared to talk to in the 80s. You didn't know if she was going to kiss you or just start yelling in your face for no reason. And let's not forget that she hung out with WWF wrestlers. If you made one wrong comment about her legs she could send "Rowdy" Roddy Piper after you. Or the Iron Sheik. Lil' Miss Lauper continued her Betty-Boopish charm through the mid-80s and then disappeared for most of the 90s. But if you look now, you'll see that Cyndi has returned to the public eye and something's different. SHE'S A COUGAR! That's right, Cyndi Lauper become one super-hot woman. She has that look of experience in her eye that sends shivers down our spine while half of us dumb fucks try to figure out the meaning behind her song She Bop (Hint: Think "Jilling Off").


Even in today's fashion-throwbacks of the 80s Cyndi manages to shed away from her old self and maintain a sexy, classy, elegant look that gives us whiplash when she walks by. Add in the fact that she's a legitimate artist (check out the Sisters of Babylon album) and she'd be a great date. C'mon, she looks great in a dress and has intelligent conversations to back her up. I promised myself I wouldn't use an "All Through The Night" pun, and I'm not going to. You can come up with it yourself.

Her Influence
Cyndi Lauper doesn't get enough credit for her contribution to pop culture. If you've never seen the movie Girls Just Want To Have Fun, you're really missing out. It's some classic Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt before they were legitimate stars. They probably deny this movie exists, but it's really a lot of fun, and it was competely based and inspired by Cyndi's song of the same name.
Every time I see an interview with Gwen Stefani someone always asks her how much she was influenced by Madonna... but if you look at Gwen's music, videos, and fashion, it's crystal clear that there is a huge Cyndi Lauper influence in there. Cyndi Rules. Fuck Madonna. Oh wait, everyone already has.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Hi, My Name Is Ryan

Hi, My Name Is Ryan
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing
(from the album, Friggidy Ding-Dong)

Hi, my name is Ryan
Got one birthday on August thirteen
Wickedest hair like you never did seen
Everything I own is covered in pink
And when I eat garlic I surely do stink
I cheer for the Bruins - I cheer for the Sox
Twice in my life I had the chicken pox
The weirdest thing that ever came about
Was when my penis turned inside out

Watch Full House almost every night
Don't drink any beer that claims to be light
Regular subscriber to the Hanson website
Like my coffee to be blacker than night
Can't seem to beat Scott in Monopoly
Ashamed to admit I like Superman III
Never put the seat down when I'm done going wee
Yeah not by the hair on my go-go-goatee

Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Can beat Super Mario in twenty minutes flat
Up until sixteen was pretty darn fat
My best friend in the world is my cat
Paint my toenails black, now what you think about that?

Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Got a swell Fan Club you should join today
Had a crush on Stephanie no DJ
Born and raised in Canada eh
My eyes go from blue to green to grey
Play road hockey 'cause I never learned to skate
Once was seven but then I turned eight
Don't know what it's like to menstruate
Met my wife when she was still jailbait

Got weird eyebrows that go up and down
Once tried to pick up a birthday clown
Spend my summers chillin' downtown
Go to BK and wear the crown
Study Mr. T's "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool"
You know that ain't me
Giving out buttons for the RFC
Put my face on your thong like 1-2-3

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
To eat Ryan's patented fried rice

Watched Rocky IV once three times in a row
Dressed up like a lady in a high school show
Can't walk ten feet without saying 'hello"
Jealous of Joey Lawrence's "Whoa"

Hi, My Name Is Ryan
Got a scar on my hand from a dogbite
Gonna look at girly mags until I lose my sight
If Rick Astley is wrong I don't wanna be right
And I'll sniff my Vick's all thru the night
Oh yeah man
Just cause a monkey's got a bloody nose
Doesn't mean the circus isn't in town
Hi, My name is...

Dear Pluto

Dear Pluto,

I'm writing you today, as a friend hopefully, because I want to be there for you.  It's no secret, I don't really like dogs, but I hate to see anyone without someone to talk to.

For years people have wondered why Goofy can talk but you can't.  After all, you're both dogs.  And you're not stupid.  Especially compared to Goofy.  Hell, Goofy has an offspring - that means someone actually mated with him.  Let's face it, the guy is an effing idiot.  I've seen the cartoons where he tries to do sports and just keeps messing it up.  Sure, not everybody is good at sports.  You don't want to see me try and play basketball.  But c'mon, the guy frigs up everything he tries to do.

And yet he can talk and you can't.

Or can you?

Am I to believe that you choose not to speak when, in fact, you've always been able to?  Are you choosing to keep silent because Mickey, Minnie, and the rest of the gang are so used to the utter bullshit that comes out of Goofy's mouth you might be afraid how they react to your first words?

I bet you're even very well spoken.  You probably speak better English than I do.  And I've been speaking it my whole life.

Maybe you just have nothing to say.  As your (new) friend Pluto, I want you to understand that whatever you have to say is important.  Your feelings and opinions are just as valid as anyone's.  Unless you start every sentence with something like, "Huck-yuck gawrsh," in which case just keep your fucking pie-hole closed.

Your pal,
- ryan

Top 11 Video Game Babes

Chun-Li

Since you all loved my Top 11 Cartoon Babes list so much, I have been asked to do a Top 11 Video Game Babes list.  Now, be forewarned that I am NOT a gamer.  I've never even touched most of the popular games from the last ten years.  So if you're looking for some Final Fantasy babes or GTA babes, they're not here.  My video game knowledge is mostly limited to the games I played as a teen in the 90s and the NHL series by EA Sports. And try as you might, Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins just isn't a babe in my books.  I tried to play Arkham Asylum and never bothered finishing it.  And I love me some Batman.

So here we go.
  
11. Cooking Mama (Cookling Mama Cook Off)
I don't really care for this game.  The Lovely Wife played it a lot when we first got a Nintendo Wii in 2008.  We used our leftover Honeymoon money to buy one.  Anyway, Cooking Mama is here simply because a girl who can cook is sexy to me.

10. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series)
You might wonder why Miss Croft is so low on this list.  One reason: the movie.  I just don't like Angelina Jolie.  Sorry Angelina, nothing personal.  I guess that's not very nice of me.  I don't even know her.  I've heard that Daisy Ridley might be playing Lara Croft.  If that happens, she'll move up higher on this list.

09. Head Mistress Helga (Revolution X)
As usual, I've found a way to somehow insert Aerosmith into my Top 11 list.  You should be used to it by now.  When I first played this game as a young teen, Helga was clearly a villain.  But now as an adult, the idea of Head Mistress Helga in her black leather with her whip is kinda cool.  And she kidnapped Aerosmith.  High five.

Music is the weapon to defeat Head Mistress Helga!  Shoot her with CDs!  I'm not kidding!  Fire those CDs!

08. Judy Nails (Guitar Hero II)
Chicks who play the guitar are hot.   'Nuff said.

07. Marian (Double Dragon)
Years of reading comic books has left with me a complex that think damsels in distress are attractive.  Though I always wondered why both of the Double Dragons were on this quest.  Once rescued, did they have to share Marian?  Would they eventually battle for her love, and ultimately sweet, sweet kisses? 

06. Chun-Li (Street Fighter II Turbo)
Back in the day nobody wanted to be beat up by a girl.  At one point in history it was actually embarrassing to get beat up by a girl.  Time have changed, and so have  mindsets, and I think getting whooped by Chun-Li would be pretty sexy.

She can fly!!!!!!!!!!!

05. Princess Toadstool (Super Mario Bros. 2)
I'm old school.  I just can't bring myself to call her Princess Peach.
Also, I'm picking the version from Super Mario 2 because this was the first game where she actually contributed.  We already have one damsel in distress on this list.  I remember playing this game as a kid and since you could choose which character to use, so many people would use the Princess because, "she can fly".  I like to think this just made it easier to look up Toadstool's dress.

04. You (The Sims)
Good morning beautiful.  You're a fucking gorgeous human being.  Now, create an exact copy of yourself in a computer game and lock yourself in a room until you pee on the floor.

03. Princess Zelda (Zelda)
It's unfortunate that the adventures of Link weren't named after him.  I mean, if you're talking with someone about sexy video game characters (like maybe I was for this blog) and they never played many games and just know the titles you might get a weird look for saying something like, "I'd totally hook up with Zelda."  Because the other person might think you're talking about Link.  Or maybe they're giving you a weird look because you're talking about having sex with a video game character.  Or maybe you live in your parents' basement.  And you wonder why you keep getting stuck in the "Friend Zone" with chicks.

02. Rosalina (Mario Kart Wii)

I'd blow in her cartridge.

I have made so many inappropriate comments about Rosalina over the years while playing Mario Kart, that to this day when we play The Lovely Wife refers to her as "Your Stupid Whore Girlfriend" when Rosalina hits her with a red shell.
I even blogged about her being a total babe - "Rosalina Is a Total Babe"

01. Juliet (Lollipop Chainsaw)
This is one of my favorite video games ever.  And I never even finished it.  I just loved the idea of a high school cheerleader running around with a chainsaw and slashing up zombies.  It was pretty much everything I ever loved about the shitty movies my buddy Riot used to make me watch all those years ago. I read some poor reviews of this game before buying it, and still said, "Fuck it, it's a cheerleader with a chainsaw slashing up zombies... shut up and take my money."

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

(And how about an honorable mention to the Leisure Suit Larry series, which could have it's own Top 11 in this category...)