A Letter To My Dinner

Dear Dinner,

I just wanted to take a second or two to thank you for filling me up today.  You have ensured that I will not be hungry until most likely breakfast time tomorrow.  I say most likely because I don't know how much of that morning hunger is actual hunger or just the fact that I'm used to filling my pie-hole around seven in the morning and if I don't do so promptly my body starts sending me warning signals.

I stand by the tried and tested rule of, "No Dessert Until You've Cleaned Your Plate."

With that in mind, I'd also like to thank you, Dinner, for being so likable in the first place.  I mean, you really should have seen it - I was, like, done eating you in four or five bites tops.  If you listened closely enough you would have heard a "shoom" sound as the fork went into my mouth.

If there's one bit of constructive criticism I could give you, Dinner, it would be that you just aren't as satisfying as a good breakfast on a Sunday.  You know the type - where you don't need to eat for the rest of the day afterward. Please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not saying you should try to change to be more like breakfast.  I love you, Dinner, just the way you are.  It's not a competition.

You know, now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't have even brought up breakfast.  

I mean, not mentioned it.  "Brought up" sounds like something else entirely.

Wow, talk about putting my own foot in my mouth there.  Anyway, how's your mom and dad doing?  Did they ever get that hole in the boat fixed?

Great catching up, 

Hope to hear from you soon,

-ryan

The Earring

I was a pretty girl.  A pretty ugly one.

I have one piercing.  A simple little hoop earring in my left ear.  It's old school.  It used to be pretty rock n' roll.  It doesn't really represent or mean anything or than I wanted an earring when I was nineteen.

I got my ear pierced just after my nineteenth birthday.  The summer of '99.  Maybe I was killing time because I was young and restless and needed to unwind.  No wait, that would have been the summer of '69.  I get them confused sometimes.

I waited for my parents to be out of town before getting my ear pierced.  They're a bit old fashioned.  They wouldn't have disallowed me to get an earring, but there would have been thirty questions designed to make me change my mind about it.

"Well, why would you want to go and get an earring?"
"Well, is this something that you think you really need to do?"
"Well, have you heard that earrings can lead to diseases..."
"Well, why not just get a fake one?"

So my parents were in Winnipeg visiting my sister, and I was still celebrating being nineteen.  Just a few days earlier I had spent a lovely evening at a strip club.  But that's a story for another day, if I haven't already blogged about it.  I was working that summer at an art camp, teaching art to children and showing them how to be a cool teenager.  They thought I was the bees knees.

After work one day, on my way home I stopped by the mall to get a hole punched in my ear.

"Hi, I'd like to get my ear pierced," I said.
"Just one?"
I had forgotten that many dudes were getting both ears pierced at that time.  It was a cool thing to do. "Yeah, just one," I replied as she sat me down in the chair.
"...so which one?"
"Which one am I supposed to get?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in my patented way much like The Rock had stolen from me.

I miss that GnFnR t-shirt.

The nice girl just stared at me for a moment.  She looked at my long hair, my red jeans, my leopard print shirt.  I knew what she was thinking, but it was also the late nineties and people weren't as forward about such things back then.

"Just give me a second," she said, and then poked her head out of the store to yell at her friend in the clothing store across the hall.  "Hey, I've got a guy here who wants just one ear pierced! Do you know which one is the one I'm supposed to do?"

From across the way I heard a little bit of silence and then a louder girl's voice. "Is he queer?"
"I don't think so!" She looked at me and didn't ask, but lifted both of her eyebrows in an curious manner.
"I'm not," I said. "Don't let the clothes fool you.  I just really want to be Steven Tyler."
"He's not," she shouted back to her friend.
"Then do the left one!"

A couple minutes later I had a hole in my ear.  And it's still there today.  I ended up having to get a gold hoop to wear in it because, as it turns out, I'm allergic to most metals.  The cheap earrings I was buying had studs made of cheap metal that were eating away at the back of my ear lobe.  Pretty gross, huh?

A week or so went by and my parents came home from their vacation.  It was late at night and I was in bed, but not asleep.  They came in separately to visit but knew I had to wake up early for work, so our chat was quick.  After my dad said goodnight I could hear him in the living room, all the way from my bedroom.

"Your son got an earring."

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Miss Elizabeth WAS A Total Babe

Miss Elizabeth Is WAS A Total Babe

Originally, I was going to showcase a list of my favorite wrestlers of all time, but then I felt the need to talk about the 1st Lady of Wrestling, the lovely Miss Elizabeth.

For many of us, Miss Elizabeth was our first celebrity crush. She had it all. Great legs. Gorgeous smile. Barely spoke. Everything a testosterone driven youngling wants in a woman. And there was even an action figure of her that we could play with. Talk about therapy in the making!

I was only seven years old when I started getting interested in WWF wrestling, and Miss Elizabeth was manager to "Macho Man" Randy Savage. She lead him to a WWF Championship at Wrestlemania IV in 1988, and then she started hanging out with Hulk Hogan too. The 90s weren't very good to Miss Elizabeth though. She appeared with Dusty Rhodes at Wrestlemania VI, and then vanished for a couple years before re-hooking up with Savage and marrying him. She was probably sick of Dusty's polka dots. Another few years went by under the radar, and Miss Elizabeth showed up in WCW at the end of the decade. We knew she'd gotten older, and she accepted her role as a cougar with stunning grace, and black leather boots. She died after managing Lex Luger. And yes, I still believe he knocked her out-to-death with his metal forearm.


I went to Wrestlemania VI in 1990. It was a great trip. There were over sixty-seven thousand people in Toronto's SkyDome, but I will always remember one specific person.

I was waiting in line with my dad, and all the other wrestling fans. Of course the conversation turned to the topic of Miss Elizabeth. Back then, wrestling was supposed to be about family entertainment. But it was that afternoon that I learned what "tongue painting" was, and how the stranger in front of me in line would offer his "tongue painting" services to Miss Elizabeth any time she wanted.

As sad as it is to no longer have Miss Elizabeth in this world, at least we can look back on all the fond (and sexy) memories of her. I'm getting all nostalgic and might just go buy the Wrestlemania IV DVD. Those were peaceful times... before the Mega-Powers exploded.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Howie Mandel's Fits Like A Glove

Once a year or so I go through all of my old comedy records. I have some great Bill Cosby LPs from when people still said his name in public, some awesome George Carlin albums, a couple hysterical ones by Steve Martin and an almost perfect album by Richard Pryor. But without a doubt, my favorite is my Howie Mandel record. Seriously.

The Good: What I like most about this Howie record, aside from the fact that it's pre-Deal or No Deal and long before people knew Howie as a big germy-scaredy-cat, is Howie's improvisational skills. His routine is mostly about talking with his audience. Howie asks for names in the crowd, and finds out what they do for a living, and the jokes come from there.

"What's your name?"
"Missy."
"And when you get married will it be Mrs?"
Sure, it's cheesy and kind of hokey, but it takes me back to a special time.
"What do you do for a living Bob?"
"Nothing."
"So how do you know when you're finished?" 

The Bad: Comedy records were great, but an act like Howie's would've been better on video. And it just so happens that Howie released a VHS from the same tour called The Watusi Tour. While it's not the exact same show as this LP, it's still worth checking out. In the 80s Howie was best known for blowing up a rubber glove on his head, so you can see how having that on a record wouldn't work so well for the medium.  The album ends with a musical number, "Do The Watusi", which isn't very good at all.

The Verdict: It's cheesy, to be sure, and it's very dated (the 80s rule), but I only paid a quarter for it, and it's made me laugh at least ten dollar's worth. Now if only we could get a complete Bobby's World DVD collection.

- ryan

Another New DC Logo

Another new logo!

...so DC Entertainment is re-branding themselves yet again with another new logo.

Yes, another one.

It seems like I just wrote a blog about this four years ago.  Oh wait, that's because I did.  And you can read it here:  DC Comics - The New... Uh.... Logo....

It's a good one.  You should read it.

This new logo looks more like a classic one from the early 70s.  I kinda dig it, I guess, but nothing will ever really replace the DC Bullet from 1976 that lasted until the early 2000's.  To me, that will always represent DC Comics.


At least this new logo is easy to read and understand.  The more I looked at the "Page-flip" logo, the more I didn't understand it.

2012 Logo... it's been a nice 4 years.

It's a bit plain, though.  Not much to it.

I definitely liked the 2005 logo more, but still think the classic '76 Bullet is the best.  And the more I look at this new logo, the more I wish there were some stars somehow incorporated into it.

What do you think?

-ryan

Top 11 Things To Do This Long Weekend

Everyone loves a long weekend!

Unless you work in fast food or a coffee shop, in which case you truly believe that everyone can just fuck the hell off with their silly family plans and cottage time.  So what are some great things to do with your long weekend?  Here are eleven ways to kill seventy-two hours.

11. Fireworks
If that's your sort of thing, then fireworks can be a fun time.  Personally the appeal wore off for me after I learned that it wasn't a space battle above my head.  Fireworks can suck my ass.

10. Catch up with a classic TV show
Are you the type that doesn't have any friends?  No problem!  You can watch approximatel seven seasons of a sitcom over your long weekend.  Maybe eight if you don't leave the couch to make poopie.  That's pretty much all of ALF or Family Matters.

9. Eat Your Weight In Sushi
While this could be interpreted as an everyday thing, it's more fun to think of as a long weekend task. "Hey guys, I'm going to eat my entire weight in sushi," you'd say as you receive applause from all of your friends and admirers.

8. Win A Beauty Contest
Notice how I didn't say "enter a beauty contest"?  That's right, I may be a big fan of Monopoly, but I don't want you to get ten bucks for second place.  If you're going to spend all weekend at a beauty contest, you might as well win the fucking thing.

7. Get Sewing
If there's someone in your life you don't like, and trust me when I say we all have them, you can use this long weekend to break into their house while they are away and sew all of their pant legs shut.  Then sew their shirt sleeve holes shut.  Then tie their shoe-laces together.  That'll show them for calling you a sissy sewing boy.

6. Bite Somebody
If they bite back, then you've just made a new friend and you can get to know each other better while you wait at the free clinic to see if your immunisations are up to date.

5. Go Fishing
There's this place I've heard about called Plenty of Fish.  I'm no expert or anything, but they probably have at least a few fish there.  So do your best and hope you don't come home with just worms.

4. Get A Little Closer To The Good Lord
Not too close though, just close enough that the next time you need someone to help you move you can call up the Jesus and he'll be there for you, buddy.  He's probably not even too picky about the type of pizza and beer you bribe him with.

3. Read The Novelization of a Movie That Was Based on a Book Inspired By Real Courtroom Journals
Yes, these things exist.  No, I'm not the one writing them.

2. Clean The Garage
...and I mean really get in there and clean it.  When was the last time you scrubbed the back of the lightswitch cover?  Get to work you juvenile delinquent.

1. Dig A Hole
Go on, be a real man for a change and dig a hole.  You don't even need to do anything with it afterwards.  Just stand there and admire the hole you've dug.  Pat yourself on the back too.  That was a job well done and you know it.  Good hole diggin'.

Thanks for reading and have a safe long weekend.
- ryan

Menage A Moi

Menage A Moi
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing
(If you like the song, buy the album on iTunes)

She's still delicate
I'm her degenerate
She hurries up and makes me wait
She's so funky, yeah
I'm so her junkie, yeah
She's the master and the bait

Menage a moi, all alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself, and I - and we're thinking of you
Menage a moi, baby if you presume
Menage a moi, take away my blues

Damnit so denied
She makes me suicide
A little pleasure with the pain
She gimme temperature
She's my new venture
And when she smirks I go insane

Menage a moi, all alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself, and I - and we're thinking of you
Menage a moi, baby if you presume
Menage a moi, take away my blues

My mama told me that I'd meet a girl like you
But nobody ever said what you'd put me through
So I'll just close my eyes until the day you see
And I'll see your face
Oh again, and again, and again, and again, and again

She's still delicate
I'm just a pirate
She hurries up and makes me wait

Menage a moi, all alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself, and I - and we're thinking of you
Menage a moi, baby if you presume
Menage a moi, take away my blues

A little heavy petting never hurt anyone
Just put out what you're getting and never hurt anyone
Just some fun in the sun
And never hurt anyone, no no

She always scream n' shout
So I took her sister out
She told me I could go and fuck myself

CD single artwork from 2012

Fuck You, I Love Annie!

The sun WILL come out tomorrow, because you know what?
Fuck you, I love Annie.

The Annie soundtrack from the 1982 flick will forever be special to me.  I've had that record since I was a kid, and while some grown men may be embarrassed to know all the words to all the songs, I'm not.  Because fuck you, I love Annie.

The Annie remake from a couple years ago with Jamie Foxx? Nope. I watched that awful movie.  What a horrible piece of shit.  It definitely tries, I mean, don't get me wrong, that movie has good intentions, but they should have called it something other than Annie.  Because at the end of the movie, I looked at the TV screen and said, "Fuck you, I love Annie."

The one from the 90s... "A Royal Adventure" or whatever it was called.  Heck nope.  Double heck nope!

Give me Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, and Albert Finney.
And goddamit, give me Punjab!
Fuck you, I love Punjab.
Love.
Punjab.

I love the movie Annie so much that I'm going to write a haiku about it right now.

I love the movie
Annie, because it is great
Fuck you, I love it

Did you see that? That right there was love.  Love, goddamit.  Love for the movie Annie.  Oh sure, I love other movies too.  And even though Annie isn't my favourite movie of all-time, and not even in my top ten, it's a different kind of love that I have for it.  The kind of love that you can profess to the world, assuming the whole world is actually listening.  If you love Annie enough, the world will listen.  They'll listen, because fuck you - I love Annie.

Do you love Annie too?  Not that it matters.  If you do, hey great for you.  If not, I've got plenty of love for Annie.  If you do love Annie and someone tries giving you a hard time about it, just tell them, "Fuck you, I love Annie."

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Because you're never full dressed without a smile!

Grandfathered Cancelled?

Grandfathered has been cancelled?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

But I need my weekly dose of Stamos!

The 2015 TV Fall lineup featured four new shows that I immediately fell in love with... Supergirl, Superstore, The Muppets, and Grandfathered.  

The fate of Supergirl has been up in the air, with rumours of it being moved from CBS to the CW Network or possibly just not being renewed at all.  ABC decided to not go any further with The Muppets.  I've been waiting patiently for a new episode of Superstore and have no idea if I'll ever see one again.  And then just the other day, I saw on Twitter and Instagram (because I follow John Stamos religiously) that Fox has decided not to renew Grandfathered.

Maybe I'm old.  Maybe I just don't get it.  Maybe I'm longing for TV shows that make me feel the way I did when I was younger and I'd watch sitcoms like The Cosby Show, Full House, Home Improvement, and Perfect Strangers.  You know, shows that don't take themselves so seriously but provide a fun 22-minute escape from the reality of things.

I really enjoyed Grandfathered.  It was one of my most looked forward to nights of the week.  The fact that it was paired with New Girl on Tuesdays was even better, and almost felt like the old one-two combo of Full House/Home Improvement on ABC's Tuesday night.

I know that Grandfathered hit a certain nostalgic note with me in the same way that Fuller House did.  Stamos may be a god, but his acting range isn't omnipresent.  Seeing Stamos on Grandfathered felt more like seeing Uncle Jesse today than Fuller House did.  Imagine if you will Uncle Jesse having left Becky, the Twins, the Rippers, and the Tanners behind to run a restaurant and make a new life.  It's quite likely that in Uncle Jesse's younger years that he may have knocked up a pretty girl and felt no consequence for it.  That would bring us to Grandfathered.  And what a wonderful show it was. 

Fuller House was great, but the problem with the Netflix format is that it's over too quick.  I wasn't longing for the next episode or getting excited for when the next instalment would happen.  I found myself getting excited to see a new episode of Grandfathered was airing. It was just really good family entertainment.

I hope that Stamos manages to find a new home for it somewhere, because I'm not the only one who wants to find out what happens to Jimmy, Sarah, Gerald, Edie, and Vanessa.

Thanks for reading!

-ryan

Sell You Light

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Every little thing is gonna be alright
I'll give you tiny pills
I'll sell you light
Help that skin tighten up tight
Give 'em all a thrill
When I sell you light

Curvy topsy-turvy is better than okay
But you ain't never gonna see it that way
Scrumptious voluptuous bedroom embraced
Only liars say, more than a handful's a waste

But if you're still insistent and really polite
I'll fill your prescription
I'll sell you light
Side effects may include your hair turning bright white
(And that's a gentle description)
When I sell you light

Did you see the skeleton girl?
Look real close or you might miss her
Did you see the skeleton girl?
Oh no!
A gentle breeze took her away like a twister!

So when you look in your big mirror
I hope I've made it clearer
The real weight is just on your shoulders
You can take your "medicine"
And think you a vixen
But it's just gonna mess you up worse when you're older

So if you're still insistent and really polite
I'll fill your prescription
I'll sell you light

You think everything will work out alright
If I give you tiny pills
If I sell you light
Somehow you believe it'll help you with your sight
Give 'em all a thrill, I guess
When I sell you light

Top 11 Robots

Let's face it, someday we'll all be replaced by robots.  So why not strive to be like a great robot of history? Historically speaking, there have been many robots over the years that have influenced the ages.  They were all wonderful.

11. BB-8
Who doesn't love balls?  BB-8 is two of them! That's twice the robotic balls rolling around, cracking jokes and hiding maps to old folks with robotic hands. Balls!

10. Dot Matrix
Let's face it, everyone needs a virgin alarm. Just in case.

09. Fox's NHL Robots from the early 90s
We may have hated them at the time, but those bots were pioneers of good ol' Californian ice hockey. Without them the Kings or Mighty Ducks may never have won a Stanley Cup.

08. Wall-E
If you don't find yourself wanting to hug this little guy, then you might already be a robot devoid of a soul. I bet you don't like celery with cheese wiz either.

07. Conky
Without him we would never know what today's secret word is. 'Nuff said.

06. Metalhead
Be realistic - of all the Ninja Turtles, Metalhead was the one with the best shot at April O'Neil. I mean, he's no Casey Jones, but who is?

"Your mother was a snowblower!"

05. Astro Boy
Soaring high in the skies, he may be small but only in size. He is brave and true and wise.

04. The Terminator
Go with him if you want to live.

03. Paulie's Robot Girlfriend
I'm actually surprised that Paulie's Robot Girlfriend isn't #1. And I write these lists. This robot is special because of how we learn more about love from it than even Adrian herself. I'd like to think that if Rocky didn't beat the Russian in IV, that maybe Paulie's Robot Girlfriend would have finished the job. Happy birthday Paulie.

02. Jazz
With so many Autobots and Decepticons to choose from, it was tough to pick just one robot in disguise. So I chose Jazz. He was pretty much that cool friend, who had all the cool records and knew which girls would let you feel them up. You know, under the shirt and over the bra. Jazz is awesome.

01. Johnny Five
He's alive and he's pals with Steve Gutteburg. All other robots would clearly be jealous of him.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

"She loves me."

The Tree's Feelings

I once heard someone say, "I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree."

I'll always associate that line with the movie Superman II, much in the same way that I associate "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" with Guns n' Fuckin' Roses.

I don't know that I've ever seen a poem lovely as a tree.  I don't have those kind of numbers.  I couldn't create a pie chart or a bar graph to compare loveliness of poems to trees.  I hope somewhere, someone has done such research.  I'd like to see it.

But it all makes me wonder, if a tree feels lovely.  We're assuming here that loveliness, or beauty, is to be seen and not felt, based on that famous poem by Joyce Kilmer Of The Planet Earth poem.  But how does the tree feel?  Does the tree feel lovely?  Does it feel special?  Is it sad when it's leaves turn colour and descend to the ground in the Autumn, much like I get sad when I realize I don't have as much hair on top of my head anymore?

I am alive and I have feelings.
Trees are alive.
Therefore, they must have feelings too.  Right?

Now, I'm not some hippie vegan activist or anything.  I'm hardly concerned with whether or not the tree's feelings get hurt.  When a stupid dog lifts it's leg to piss on the tree, I'm not upset if the tree thinks to itself, fuck that stupid sonofabitch.

I'm far more curious about what the tree thinks when that happens.  Maybe the tree is passive aggressive and decides that, sure that stupid dog may have gotten me again but I'll show him when I outlive him by a couple hundred years.

a ryan original.

Maybe the tree has self esteem issues.  Have we stopped to consider that the tree has such low self esteem that it wants the dog to piss on it simply to feel some kind of usefulness and affection?  The tree wants to uproot and move to another park, but just can't seem to get itself to leave that dog and it's abusive behaviour.  There are less trees on the planet these days too, so it's not like an emotionally void abused tree has many friends to turn to for a support system.  So many trees are spaced apart so sparsely that they can't even give each other a warm, loving hug.  Aww, gosh, that poor tree.

Okay, we haven't even mentioned potential eating disorders here.  Some of those trees are so frail looking.  So weak. So thin.  Don't you just want to bring it a juicy hamburger or something?  Like, here you go tree, I know times are tough and everything, but you really need to get some meat on them bones of yours.

But there I go, falling into the trap society has placed us all in.  I'm just assuming that the tree's feelings would sad.  Or upset.  Or melancholic.  That's what we're supposed to think.  That's how we're supposed to think.  Think low about yourself.  Keep yourself down.  Don't aim to achieve in a world that is doomed to fail you anyway.  There's not use in even trying.

Just thinking about that gets me kinda sad.

I bet those trees are pretty happy fellas.  Even the ones that are looking old and withered from Father Time.  They know they don't have much time left and that's just fine with them.  They've seen a lot over the years and they can smile about that.  Sure, they never got to kiss the girl, or take that trip to Disneyland, but they're still pleased as punch to have just been here.

So maybe that's the feeling a tree feels the most - being content.  They stay still.  They're grounded.  They wave to say 'hi' on a beautiful day. And they look at all of us humans and think, at least I'm not one of those fucking idiots driving around trying to appease everyone all of the time.

Thanks for reading!
-ryan

Those Would-Be World Conquerors

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if the Bad Guys won?

Suppose those stupid Ewoks were never found and the Death Star wasn't destroyed. Or Sloth never helped The Goonies. Or Egon never thought to cross the streams, and Gozer devestated Manhattan. These are the things that keep me up at night. So let's take a look at four Would-Be World Conquerors. What would the world be like if they succeeded for a change? 

Hank Scorpio
When we last saw Hank Scorpio he was running the Globex corporation. But that was secretly a front for an organization hell-bent on taking over the world. Homer Simpson took a job working for Scorpio, but quit before we ever found out if Hank won or lost his battle. We can only assume that Scorpio was not successful. However, if he did actually conquer the planet it might not have been so bad. Scorpio always had sugar available (even if not in packets) and he treated his employees very well. Would he have been so different to his worldly subjects? I can only see the scenario playing out one way. Scorpio would rule the world until he was taken down by the sheer awesomeness of Knight Rider. Then the people would be free again. 

Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is the leader of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world. But he keeps losing to G.I.Joe. If Cobra were successful in defeating those Joes we could see increased Global Health Care, stronger Free Trade Issues, and free Dance Lessons for everyone. I hear Cobra Commander is a big fan of the salsa. Mind you, if you get out of line (or steal the Commander's dance partner) you'd be lucky to escape with your life. 

General Zod
If it weren't for the Son of Jor-El we would all have really scraped up knees. Yeah, if General Zod were actually able to maintain control over Planet Houston we would all be kneeling left, right, and center. Zod surely would've created a strong Global workforce, building castles and a palace dedicated to our leader. On the downside, he probably would've instituted an all black, glimmering dress code. Nobody needs to see me wearing one of those outfits. 

Pinky and The Brain
I'm not entirely convinced that Pinky and The Brain haven't already taken over the world. Just look at how our planet is run. Some of the cracked out news events seem like they would've been orchestrated by two lab mice running around in a wheel. Brain (the mastermind behind the whole operation) really uses Pinky to meet women. Brain isn't confident enough about his looks, so he keeps Pinky around to make himself look better. Behind every good leader is a good, strong woman. Remember that.

So the next time we're faced with a situation dealing with a possible despot, we should take a moment and consider all possibilities, good and bad. Because when you get down to it, "Shredder's School of Fine Cuisine" and "Skeletor's Deficit Refinement Plan" don't seem like bad ideas at all.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

The Tom Hanks Conspiracy

(Or, "Remember When Tom Hanks Was Funny?")

There was a time, and some of you won't remember these days, when Tom Hanks was a funny fella. Yes, the same Mr. Tom Hanks that has bored us with flicks like The Da Vinci Code and Catch Me If You Can. A younger, more comedic Tom Hanks giggled us through many trips to the theater, and many of these classics are seen Sunday afternoons on your local cable station's Movie of the Week.


(The Money Pit, Big, The 'Burbs, and Joe Versus The Volcano)
This Is Not Your Room... 
From 1986 to 1992, Tom Hanks was an unstoppable force of comedy genius, starting with The Money Pit and climaxing with A League Of Their Own. There was something quirky about his characters. They were ready to explode at any time. Just look at his character Ray in The 'Burbs or Walter in The Money Pit. They were slightly crazy, yet related to the every-man. Chances are you had a friend who was like Tom Hanks... or maybe you were just a little like Tom Hanks yourself. We watched Hanks morph from a small child into an adult and thought, Wow, that's just like how I feel!. We saw Hanks put up with the most annoying dog on the planet. We saw Tom Hanks hate his life and take a pile of money to throw himself into a volcano, only to find true love. We thought Tom Hanks would always be there at our side to make us laugh. 

Life Is Like A Box of Tom Hanks... You Never Know What You're Gonna Get...

Then came the big switch-a-roo. In 1995 Tom Hanks made the movie Apollo 13. This is when the world lost Tom Hanks. While in outer space filming his space scenes it is very likely that Tom Hanks was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with A Fake Tom Hanks. Yes, that's right. A fake Tom Hanks. One who isn't funny at all. Directly after Apollo 13, Hanks did voice work for Toy Story. Or did he? It is reasonable to assume that the aliens who replaced Hanks used this faker to do the voice work while they finished up the final touches on Hanks' duplicate body.


(Saving Private Ryan, Cast Away, The Ladykillers, The Da Vinci Code) 

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. 

All I'm saying is give it some thought. Tom Hanks hasn't made a good comedy since before Apollo 13, and the Aliens are the only possible reason why. Even when "Hanks" made The Lady Killers in 2004, which was supposed to be his return to comedy, it wasn't funny at all. So here's my proposal: Let's get NASA and all the armies of the world to join together just this once and go into outer space to find the real Tom Hanks. He's out there somewhere, surely making some lucky aliens laugh.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Clouds

Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

clouds
by ryan matthew ewing
clouds, clouds, clouds
poof, poof, poof
clouds, clouds, Clouds
sometimes they take funny shapes
clouds

Everyone Loves April O'Neil

Most of us know April O'Neil as that go-getter of a reporter for Channel 6 News. But do any of us really know the real Miss O'Neil? Sure, we've seen her eat pizza with our favorite mutated turtles but that doesn't mean we know what's really under that yellow jumpsuit. And I mean on the inside. Let's keep this relatively PG here folks.

April is much more than just a groupie to the Turtles, and she's much more than a rip off of Lois Lane. April O'Neil is a strong, independant woman of the late 80s. She's got her career jump-started, she's confident with her sexuality (whatever that is... after all, she DOES hang out with the Turtles all day...), and gosh darn it, we all seem to just love her in bunches.

I should also note that this blog is all just speculation on my part. So take it with a grain of salt.  Or a slice of pizza.


Before The Turtles?
Very little is known about O'Neil's backstory. But you might be surprised to learn that she wasn't born as a broadcast journalist. Nope, she was born as a baby like everyone else.  She had hopes and dreams like many other little girls from Connecticut. She was born April Othello Neillson, and was a shy little girl with an appetite for chocolate cake. At the age of twelve, April decided she wanted to become an actress on Broadway. For many years, she did local dinner theater until she was old enough to move away from home. She saved every penny from every paycheck she made at Uncle Bob's Fish N' Chips until she had just enough to make a stab at her dreams. New York City would become April's new home, and instantly she started auditioning for parts. It's often the case that family members are far too kind. Sure, April was a beautiful woman but she couldn't act or sing... and nobody told her that. The only part she could land was that of a talking banana in a children's show. Ashamed, she did only a handful of shows. But she didn't know that would change her life.
 
The Yellow Jumpsuit
Following April's third appearance as "Banana Queen", she had a heated argument with her manager backstage. After a temper tantrum, she walked out and quit the production. Knowing she'd be needing money, she stole some video equipment on her way out the door. April was apparently so fired up that she left without realizing she still had her costume on!

Then, without warning, came her big break. Members of the Foot Clan were terrorizing New York and some of them grabbed her hostage, which would become normal for her later on. When she was rescued by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, she used the camera she stole to get the whole thing on video. Within an hour she had sold the footage to Channel Six for enough money to buy her condo. April wasn't dumb though. She also negotiated for a job on the news team.

The rest, as they always say, is history.

And that was just the beginning... 

Lost In Love
April sure must give off a lot of wrong signals when it comes to men. For starters, she spends most of her time with the four Turtles and Splinter in the sewer. April is a hottie. She shouldn't be in a sewer. Also, she's always getting kidnapped by bad guys. Usually, the idiotic Bebop and Rocksteady tie her up to something and she escapes before Shredder gets home from the gym. The only man in her life, and by "man" I mean human, is Vern from the Channel Six station. Even though he's a big coward, I kinda wanna see him get with April cause he's always wearing a pink shirt.

No, there aren't many men in April's life... but there is Irma! Would you say it's safe to put forth an argument that April and Irma are having a discreet all-woman love affair? That might be almost as safe as sliding into home plate.
 

April Plays Favorites
April O'Neil may be close with all four of the Turtles, but she definitely has a soft spot for Donatello. You see, according to the theme song, "Donatello does machines". He's quite the handy turtle. Whenever April has a problem with her dishwasher or her coffee maker she calls up ol' Donnie to fix it. Donatello doesn't really mind. He holds April in high regard. And he usually gets some free pizza out of the deal. If you ask Raphael though, he thinks that April relies on Donatello far too much. Most of the time these little gadget problems could be solved by checking to see if the cord was plugged into the wall or not. But April and Donatello have shared some great moments just the two of them. She really likes to give him pedicures. Donatello doesn't tell his brothers about this though, they already think he's kind of gay. This would put it over the edge.

Donatello's sexual preference is definitely a story for another day. I really hope you've had fun exploring the lesser-known parts of April O'Neil. She really is everyone's favorite newscaster.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan