Just so you know, Victor Newman might be the greatest person who ever lived. Some people think that Victor Newman is just a fictional character portrayed by Eric Braeden, but they're wrong. For you see, Victor Newman is the real person, and Braeden (or whatever his name is) is just the figment of our imagination. So let us now relish in the truly awesome power of Victor Newman!
Man, if I were a movie director I'd cast Victor Newman in Everything! Hell, if I were making the a new Harry Potter movie, Victor would play both Harry AND Hermione. The guy who made Titanic gave Victor Newman a small part, but he didn't realize just how awesome the nature of Victor Newman is. Hell, Victor Newman is so gifted and genuine that he could've played the boat and won the Oscar for it. Victor Newman is so versatile that he could play the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, and then turn around and play a milkman in "Assgasms 14". He's just that talented.
And smart! Victor Newman is so smart that he not only runs his Newman Empire, but he can count backwards from 358 to zero without skipping a beat. Let's not forget that he still has all his hair, which is something fellow ba-jillion-aire Donald Trump can't say.
Victor Newman is also a big-time Chick Magnet. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Victor Newman made the sweet love to your Mommy. Heck, he might even be your illegitimate Daddy. But don't accuse him of that, or he'll use his special brand of Victor Newman martial arts. His secret weapon is kicking you in the balls until you have successfully shouted his name in six different languages. He is destined to be a ladies man by choice. He loves women more than Corey Haim loved Corey Feldman's money.
Let's take a moment to reflect on why Victor Newman is such a shrewd businessman. Remember, he used to make appearances in Zeller's commercials, because he does in fact know that the lowest price is the law. Victor Newman knows that a penny saved is a penny earned. And he's not afraid to kill a goldfish for looking at him the wrong way.
I hope this little slice of Victorian Newmanism has taught you something today. Remember, if you give Victor Newman whatever he wants, he will allow you to live. And if Victor Newman is talking, you'd best shut your mouth and listen to what he has to say. Even if he's just humming some stupid song. Listen. Or else he will cast a spell on you that will turn you into porridge.
-ryan
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