Are Blonde Babes More Fun?

So this is what I hear: Blondes have more fun. But do they? And if so, why?
Of all the girls I've been with in my life, believe it or not, none of them were blonde. Sure, some of them have had blonde streaks in their hair, or had dyed their hair light enough brown that someone might say, "Oh, that's a blonde you're holding hands with there, buddy." But the great saying of blondes having more fun is definitely implying something to do with wicked, wild, super-awesome-funky sex.

I'm going to take a few minutes to examine some well-known blondes, past and present, and we'll see where that goes. If I can't come up with an answer then at least I've taken a moment out of both of our days to look at some very attractive women.

Case Study #1: Kelly Bundy

Many of us will remember Kelly Bundy as the first blonde in our lives. Married, With Children was THE show when were about ten years old and developing hormones. While we were all starting to realize just what boobies were and what kind of power they would hold on us over the remaining years of our lives, Kelly Bundy was flaunting it on TV. And she was always dressed for our eyes. Now I don't know what Christina Appelgate (the actress that played Kelly) is really like, so remember we're talking about Miss Bundy here. Not the actress. Kelly Bundy was a dirty slut. There's pretty much no way around saying that. And we all loved her for it. Actually, of all the three women on the show (Peg, her mother, and Marcy, their neighbor) Kelly was the only one to regularly get laid. Could that have been because Peg had red hair and Marcy had brown hair? Hmmmm....Kelly's character was also very stupid. Maybe her lack of insight is what made her have more fun. Or was she always just pretending to be stupid to be more attractive to the opposite sex? Guys have been known to go wild for the "dumb blonde" stereotype. I guess we may never know. Case Study #2: Kate Hudson

Of all the girls in Hollywood right now, I can't think of any cooler than Kate Hudson. Maybe it's because she seems to have inherited some of her mother's charm. With Goldie Hawn as her mommy, that's some cool charm to inherit. She was also married to the singer of the Black Crowes, so that right there means she knows how to have a good time. But is all of that enough to really suggest that she has more fun, or is it because she's blonde? In the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (aka chick flick disguised as a really fun movie even for guys) Hudson torments her new boyfriend and appears to have fun doing it until she realizes that she's really in love with him. She comes across as one of those cute, next-door-types that often end up with whatever guy they want in the palm of their hand. But do the cute/innocent blondes have more, you know, fun? In that movie Kate has a great little romp with her co-star in the bathroom, after the two of them are soaking wet from a rainy bike ride. It's really quite romantic, and not at all what you'd consider to be wild, so it's hard to say whether this blonde was more fun or not simply based on the color of her hair. Case Study #3: Gwen Stefani It's hard to tell if Miss Stefani is really blonde. I think in early photos of No Doubt she had darker blonde, possibly light brown hair. Around the late 90s she had pink hair in that one video, Simple Kind Of Life (In my opinion their best song, and the pink hair is damn cool too). But for the most part, we've always known Gwen to have that really cool platinum blonde look that only a few people can truly pull off without it looking fake and utterly retarded. Gwen is a mommy, which means she puts out. We all know I think pregnant chicks are hot (and if you didn't know, check out my song about it here, but whether or not "Pregnant Chicks Have More Fun" is not what we're here about today. Maybe some other day though.) In the No Doubt video for Underneath It All we see a very plain looking Stefani (sans dark make-up) in her PJs jumping up and down on her bed. I don't care what anyone says. That's super-hot. And whenever I'm watching it, no matter what else is happening in the world, it becomes my focus of attention. Hell, I could be on fire and it wouldn't matter. Case Study #4: Elisha Cuthbert Elisha is a hard case to examine for our topic. She may have played a porn-star turned nice girl in The Girl Next Door, but I remember her first as being the host of Popular Mechanics For Kids. So here's where the dilemma comes in, and it's a horribly wrong one. While watching The Girl Next Door I'd find myself thinking "Damn, she's awesome in this movie", only to stop myself and say "No! Remember that episode of P.M.F.K. where she helped blow up the building?" In the end I let my better judgement take over. I blocked Popular Mechanics For Kids from my mind until the movie was over. If any blonde on the planet is going to win over a case for whether or not they have more fun, it's Elisha. From the moment in The Girl Next Door when she said "What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" to the point in the movie where she skinny-dips, or goes to the Adult Video Awards, or... well, pretty much anything she does in this movie makes guys just go totally bonkers. And we have a bad habit of drooling by this point too. Score another one for the blondes. Oh, and Elisha is a good lead-in to our next case study... Case Study #5: Blonde Porn Stars I truly believe that the Internet was created for porn. If you've never seen porn on the internet you're a goddam liar. So don't even gimme any crap. The "Adult Video Star" showcased at left is Sunrise Adams. I believe she works for Vivid Films. I'm not 100% sure...she might be retired... you see, if I start researching that I'll become preoccupied and this article will never be finished. From my own experience with pornography ("reading" it, not performing in it) I would feel comfortable saying that 65% of porn stars are blonde. I think that's a fair estimate. Now I have never slept with a porn star, and I don't know anyone personally who has slept with a porn star, so whether or not they have more fun can really only be judged by their movies themselves. Are they acting? Are they only pretending to have more fun for the camera? Perhaps it's the real deal. When someone you sleep with climaxes you don't lean over and say "Baby, was that real, or were you faking?"

The same must be true for porn stars. We would never ask if they were faking their good time or not because it would simply ruin the fantasy for us all. So this one must be a numbers game. Do blonde porn stars have more fun because there are more of them in the business, so by logic, the more the merrier? Or are there just more blonde porn stars because there are more blondes in this world?


Let's create a math equation for this:
(#blondeB > 2 x #non-blondeB) / #blondePS = More Fun!

Case Study #6: Supergirl

Before you start accusing me of being a geek (which I am) for this one, it raises a great issue of the blonde/not blonde debate. Supergirl's secret identity is Linda Danvers. Linda is a brunette! Now this raises another interesting issue: Is Supergirl the real person pretending to be a brunette when she's Linda? Or is Linda the real person pretending to be a blonde when she's Supergirl? We've all seen girls around our hometowns that wear shirts that say "brunettes do it better" and "blondes have more fun", and most girls we know have changed their hair color more times than we've changed underwear. So is there an underlying desire for blondes to be brunettes and brunettes to be blondes? That could be the basis for a university student's thesis. I'm not going to try to find a solution on the internet. For the sake of time let's just say that Supergirl is too busy saving the world to find time for fun.

Case Study #7: Bea Fucking Arthur

I don't know if Bea Arthur was ever blonde or not. I really don't care. She was the hottest thing on this planet. She was the woman by which all other women should be judged. Blonde? Fuck it. Brunette? Who cares! Redhead? Yummy, but still... it doesn't matter. Bea Arthur? Fuck yeah! If Bea was a blonde she would have more fun. And in doing so, she would set the standard by what fun is for a blonde. When Bea Arthur watches paint dry it's the sexiest paint drying session ever. And all other blondes should follow suit and watch paint dry in the same way. Bea could find herself in a gangbang with thirty men and still find time to hit Betty White with a rolled up newspaper. Let's see a regular blonde do that.

The Verdict
So... do blondes have more fun? Umm... I don't know. Maybe.

In the end I have not come to a clear decision. The only way to truly come to an understanding would be to do some extensive, "fun" research with a collection of blonde volunteers. Don't worry, The Lovely Wife (who isn't a blonde, FYI) says it's okay for me to do all the research needed.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan