2+2=5

2+2=5
Written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Billy and Betty went to Vegas to get wed
Stopped at a diner and got a surprize instead
Betty let Billy fill up the gas
While inside, the diner checked out her ass
The waitress was Jane, neither tall nor plain
And the only cook in the kitchen went by the name o' Blaine
Betty got undressed by the eyes of the staff
Then she took a second glance for her better half
At first she was scared, but soon all was bared
Then in walked Billy, the pumping all done
And shocked he was to see Betty having fun
Blaine and Jane, the only ones at work
Shot Billy an inviting smirk
Four on the floor, and sometimes on the table
They'd split in twos and use the counter when able
Fill 'er up was the master plan
It was hotter and greasier than the frying pan
And so the tongue slips
The guys left their tips
Now they don't know what to do
One of the girls has a bastard baby due
Uhhh.... whoops.

Are Blonde Babes More Fun?

So this is what I hear: Blondes have more fun. But do they? And if so, why?
Of all the girls I've been with in my life, believe it or not, none of them were blonde. Sure, some of them have had blonde streaks in their hair, or had dyed their hair light enough brown that someone might say, "Oh, that's a blonde you're holding hands with there, buddy." But the great saying of blondes having more fun is definitely implying something to do with wicked, wild, super-awesome-funky sex.

I'm going to take a few minutes to examine some well-known blondes, past and present, and we'll see where that goes. If I can't come up with an answer then at least I've taken a moment out of both of our days to look at some very attractive women.

Case Study #1: Kelly Bundy

Many of us will remember Kelly Bundy as the first blonde in our lives. Married, With Children was THE show when were about ten years old and developing hormones. While we were all starting to realize just what boobies were and what kind of power they would hold on us over the remaining years of our lives, Kelly Bundy was flaunting it on TV. And she was always dressed for our eyes. Now I don't know what Christina Appelgate (the actress that played Kelly) is really like, so remember we're talking about Miss Bundy here. Not the actress. Kelly Bundy was a dirty slut. There's pretty much no way around saying that. And we all loved her for it. Actually, of all the three women on the show (Peg, her mother, and Marcy, their neighbor) Kelly was the only one to regularly get laid. Could that have been because Peg had red hair and Marcy had brown hair? Hmmmm....Kelly's character was also very stupid. Maybe her lack of insight is what made her have more fun. Or was she always just pretending to be stupid to be more attractive to the opposite sex? Guys have been known to go wild for the "dumb blonde" stereotype. I guess we may never know. Case Study #2: Kate Hudson

Of all the girls in Hollywood right now, I can't think of any cooler than Kate Hudson. Maybe it's because she seems to have inherited some of her mother's charm. With Goldie Hawn as her mommy, that's some cool charm to inherit. She was also married to the singer of the Black Crowes, so that right there means she knows how to have a good time. But is all of that enough to really suggest that she has more fun, or is it because she's blonde? In the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (aka chick flick disguised as a really fun movie even for guys) Hudson torments her new boyfriend and appears to have fun doing it until she realizes that she's really in love with him. She comes across as one of those cute, next-door-types that often end up with whatever guy they want in the palm of their hand. But do the cute/innocent blondes have more, you know, fun? In that movie Kate has a great little romp with her co-star in the bathroom, after the two of them are soaking wet from a rainy bike ride. It's really quite romantic, and not at all what you'd consider to be wild, so it's hard to say whether this blonde was more fun or not simply based on the color of her hair. Case Study #3: Gwen Stefani It's hard to tell if Miss Stefani is really blonde. I think in early photos of No Doubt she had darker blonde, possibly light brown hair. Around the late 90s she had pink hair in that one video, Simple Kind Of Life (In my opinion their best song, and the pink hair is damn cool too). But for the most part, we've always known Gwen to have that really cool platinum blonde look that only a few people can truly pull off without it looking fake and utterly retarded. Gwen is a mommy, which means she puts out. We all know I think pregnant chicks are hot (and if you didn't know, check out my song about it here, but whether or not "Pregnant Chicks Have More Fun" is not what we're here about today. Maybe some other day though.) In the No Doubt video for Underneath It All we see a very plain looking Stefani (sans dark make-up) in her PJs jumping up and down on her bed. I don't care what anyone says. That's super-hot. And whenever I'm watching it, no matter what else is happening in the world, it becomes my focus of attention. Hell, I could be on fire and it wouldn't matter. Case Study #4: Elisha Cuthbert Elisha is a hard case to examine for our topic. She may have played a porn-star turned nice girl in The Girl Next Door, but I remember her first as being the host of Popular Mechanics For Kids. So here's where the dilemma comes in, and it's a horribly wrong one. While watching The Girl Next Door I'd find myself thinking "Damn, she's awesome in this movie", only to stop myself and say "No! Remember that episode of P.M.F.K. where she helped blow up the building?" In the end I let my better judgement take over. I blocked Popular Mechanics For Kids from my mind until the movie was over. If any blonde on the planet is going to win over a case for whether or not they have more fun, it's Elisha. From the moment in The Girl Next Door when she said "What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" to the point in the movie where she skinny-dips, or goes to the Adult Video Awards, or... well, pretty much anything she does in this movie makes guys just go totally bonkers. And we have a bad habit of drooling by this point too. Score another one for the blondes. Oh, and Elisha is a good lead-in to our next case study... Case Study #5: Blonde Porn Stars I truly believe that the Internet was created for porn. If you've never seen porn on the internet you're a goddam liar. So don't even gimme any crap. The "Adult Video Star" showcased at left is Sunrise Adams. I believe she works for Vivid Films. I'm not 100% sure...she might be retired... you see, if I start researching that I'll become preoccupied and this article will never be finished. From my own experience with pornography ("reading" it, not performing in it) I would feel comfortable saying that 65% of porn stars are blonde. I think that's a fair estimate. Now I have never slept with a porn star, and I don't know anyone personally who has slept with a porn star, so whether or not they have more fun can really only be judged by their movies themselves. Are they acting? Are they only pretending to have more fun for the camera? Perhaps it's the real deal. When someone you sleep with climaxes you don't lean over and say "Baby, was that real, or were you faking?"

The same must be true for porn stars. We would never ask if they were faking their good time or not because it would simply ruin the fantasy for us all. So this one must be a numbers game. Do blonde porn stars have more fun because there are more of them in the business, so by logic, the more the merrier? Or are there just more blonde porn stars because there are more blondes in this world?


Let's create a math equation for this:
(#blondeB > 2 x #non-blondeB) / #blondePS = More Fun!

Case Study #6: Supergirl

Before you start accusing me of being a geek (which I am) for this one, it raises a great issue of the blonde/not blonde debate. Supergirl's secret identity is Linda Danvers. Linda is a brunette! Now this raises another interesting issue: Is Supergirl the real person pretending to be a brunette when she's Linda? Or is Linda the real person pretending to be a blonde when she's Supergirl? We've all seen girls around our hometowns that wear shirts that say "brunettes do it better" and "blondes have more fun", and most girls we know have changed their hair color more times than we've changed underwear. So is there an underlying desire for blondes to be brunettes and brunettes to be blondes? That could be the basis for a university student's thesis. I'm not going to try to find a solution on the internet. For the sake of time let's just say that Supergirl is too busy saving the world to find time for fun.

Case Study #7: Bea Fucking Arthur

I don't know if Bea Arthur was ever blonde or not. I really don't care. She was the hottest thing on this planet. She was the woman by which all other women should be judged. Blonde? Fuck it. Brunette? Who cares! Redhead? Yummy, but still... it doesn't matter. Bea Arthur? Fuck yeah! If Bea was a blonde she would have more fun. And in doing so, she would set the standard by what fun is for a blonde. When Bea Arthur watches paint dry it's the sexiest paint drying session ever. And all other blondes should follow suit and watch paint dry in the same way. Bea could find herself in a gangbang with thirty men and still find time to hit Betty White with a rolled up newspaper. Let's see a regular blonde do that.

The Verdict
So... do blondes have more fun? Umm... I don't know. Maybe.

In the end I have not come to a clear decision. The only way to truly come to an understanding would be to do some extensive, "fun" research with a collection of blonde volunteers. Don't worry, The Lovely Wife (who isn't a blonde, FYI) says it's okay for me to do all the research needed.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Top 11 Co-Hosts

It's no secret that I've always wanted to have my own talk show on TV. I was a huge fan of Regis & Kathie Lee back in the early 90s. Sometimes I would even fake sick so I could stay home from school to watch it. So if I were offered my own talk show, I'd need a wicked awesome co-host. And here are eleven possible co-hosts that I'd be proud to share my TV show with.

	#11 - Cyndi Lauper Name of the show: Talk After Talk If Cyndi were my co-host we'd have all kinds of good guests. We'd do a special Goonies reunion episode, and even bring out Captain Lou Albano for some old fashioned rubber band games. Rubber bands are the coolest thing since Max Headrom.
	#10 - Herbie The Love Bug Name of the show: Back Seat Babble Herbie and I would turn this talk show into more of a "Pimp My Ride" type show, where we take old cars and re-do them so hot chicks like Lindsay Lohan will drive them.
	#9 - Count Chocula Name of the show: The Darkest Hour... with Ryan & Count Chocula Chocula and I would do a show all about the hot Hollywood gossip. We'd take a look at celebrity scandals, and who is having babies in tinsel town. Every audience member would get a bag of the Count's marshmallows. Look closely and you'll even see Frankenberry leading our band before each commercial break.
	#8 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts Name of the show: The DDT Show Picture it. Jake "The Snake" Roberts, a former WWF wrestler who turned to God after retirement, and me getting drunk and reading the bible. Offensive? Maybe. But it wouldn't last long anyway. After forty seconds of listening to a drunk Jake talk, you'll be turning the channel. "In a cashino, yoush should gamfble."
	#7 - Ronald Reagan Name of the show: Rockin' With Ryan n' Ronnie True, Mr. Reagan may have passed away, but for the TV show we'd have a psychic channel him into the studio. Or I'd just get Carrot Top to dress up as Ronnie, if the psychic is sick that day. And if the Carrot Top AND the psychic were sick on the same day, I'd just splice in old footage from Ronnie's movies and public adresses.
	#6 - Rue McClanahan Name of the show: Thank You For Being Our Guest First and foremost, I would get Rue to convince us all that The Golden Palace show never happened, and that Golden Girls ended on a positive note. Then we'd have great guests like Leslie Nielson, Ron Jeremy, and Dakota Fanning. Oh, and cute pets that sound like people when they talk.
	#5 - A Foot Long Hoagie Name of the show: Watch Ryan & Friends Eat A Hoagie The name pretty much says it all. Each day I have a special celebrity guest come on the show and we see who can finish eating a footlong hoagie first. Bring it on Paris Hilton! Bring it on Olsen Twins! Bring it on! YEAH!
	#4 - Gwildor Name of the show: A Good Journey Instead of having a studio where we invite guests, we would use Gwildor's "Cosmic Key" to travel to far away places and meet interesting guests. This show, unfortunately, wouldn't be able to be filmed live because Gwildor has a bad fucking habit of losing that Cosmic Key of his.
	#3 - Cobra Commander Name of the show: The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander It's your usual late-night talk show, with all the usual features, so here's our theme song as sung by me and Cobra Commander: Ryan - It's late at night so throw the switches CC - Time for our late night show, bitches! Ryan - Cobra and I are the best of friends CC - So Destro, you can suck me off! Ryan- (Uh...that's not how the song goes...) CC - Big Finish! Together - It's The Midnight Hour with Ryan and The Commander! Yeah!
	#2 - Gilbert Gottfried Name of the show: Problem Adults Here's a show where Gilbert and I bring out famous people to talk about what's wrong with the world today. And then we tell the guests that they're a bunch of cynical hypocrites. Then we get drunk, burn some money, and waste a bunch of food... all on live TV.
	#1 - Princess Toadstool Name of the show: In Another Castle This has all the makings of a classic. Just so long as Princess Toadstood doesn't pull a Kathie Lee on me and get knocked up by Mario then spend half the show talking about her kids. She's more of a lady than that anyway. Our special segment each day would involve a guest running an obstacle course while on mushrooms. If they can do it, they are allowed to come back to the another time.

And that's that!

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Victor Effing Newman

Victor Fu**ing Newman!
Just so you know, Victor Newman might be the greatest person who ever lived.  Some people think that Victor Newman is just a fictional character portrayed by Eric Braeden, but they're wrong.  For you see, Victor Newman is the real person, and Braeden (or whatever his name is) is just the figment of our imagination.  So let us now relish in the truly awesome power of Victor Newman!

Man, if I were a movie director I'd cast Victor Newman in Everything!  Hell, if I were making the a new Harry Potter movie, Victor would play both Harry AND Hermione.  The guy who made Titanic gave Victor Newman a small part, but he didn't realize just how awesome the nature of Victor Newman is.  Hell, Victor Newman is so gifted and genuine that he could've played the boat and won the Oscar for it.  Victor Newman is so versatile that he could play the T-Rex in Jurassic Park, and then turn around and play a milkman in "Assgasms 14".  He's just that talented.

And smart!  Victor Newman is so smart that he not only runs his Newman Empire, but he can count backwards from 358 to zero without skipping a beat.  Let's not forget that he still has all his hair, which is something fellow ba-jillion-aire Donald Trump can't say.

Victor Newman is also a big-time Chick Magnet.  I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Victor Newman made the sweet love to your Mommy.  Heck, he might even be your illegitimate Daddy.  But don't accuse him of that, or he'll use his special brand of Victor Newman martial arts.  His secret weapon is kicking you in the balls until you have successfully shouted his name in six different languages.  He is destined to be a ladies man by choice.  He loves women more than Corey Haim loved Corey Feldman's money.

Let's take a moment to reflect on why Victor Newman is such a shrewd businessman.  Remember, he used to make appearances in Zeller's commercials, because he does in fact know that the lowest price is the law.  Victor Newman knows that a penny saved is a penny earned.  And he's not afraid to kill a goldfish for looking at him the wrong way.

I hope this little slice of Victorian Newmanism has taught you something today.  Remember, if you give Victor Newman whatever he wants, he will allow you to live.  And if Victor Newman is talking, you'd best shut your mouth and listen to what he has to say.  Even if he's just humming some stupid song.  Listen.  Or else he will cast a spell on you that will turn you into porridge. 

-ryan

Adventures of Ryan #84

This week, take a read of the brand new comic strip - Adventures of Ryan #84 - where Ryan does has to save the world from the evil Veganator!

As The World Falls Down

The Goblin King

So we're all shocked and saddened by the death of David Bowie.

Some of us more than others, but I think it's fair to say - and I'm not hitting a huge epiphany here because it's likely been said by thousands before me - that Bowie was one of those rare artists that transcended genres, cultures, and appealed to everyone in some way.  Whether it be that one friend of yours who was unhealthily obsessed with Ziggy Stardust through college or how your mother just adored his Christmas duet with Bing Crosby (that was totally my mommy), we all had a little piece of Bowie to hold on to as our own.

For me, and this should come as no surprise, it was all about Labyrinth.

David Bowie, to me, will always be The Goblin King.

I must have seen that movie a good thousand times before I really knew who David Bowie was outside of that twisted maze.  Sure, I'd seen a few videos on Much Music, and the songs that stood out to me were "Modern Love", the remix of "Fame" from the Pretty Woman soundtrack, and his remake of "Dancing In The Street" with Mick Jagger. 

It wasn't until my late teens, when I was working at a summer art camp with kids, that I got any real formal Bowie education.

There's an infamous story of mine and the cute girl, Chelsea, who worked at HMV that isn't really necessary to this fond memory, but it does help. (It's listed at #9 here - http://www.ryanfanclub.com/archive/top11/rfcmilestones.html)
Cute Chelsea, who started emailing me frequently after finding me interesting enough for having my own fan club but not interesting enough to dump her boyfriend and be the first Mrs RFC, ordered in the Labyrinth soundtrack for me when HMV didn't have it.  I was ecstatic.  So much so, that the next day I did an art project with the kids at camp to try and re-create the "Stairs scene" from Labyrinth in 3D our of cardboard, glue, glitter, and Popsicle sticks. 

F-you, it looked pretty awesome when it was done.

Anyway, one of the girls who worked there with me asked if I was a big fan of Escher, who was the inspiration for that scene in the movie. Having not been very cultured yet, I looked at her kind of blankly, and told her I had been on a big Labyrinth kick and wanted to recreate that cool scene.

a bad sketch I did of the Goblin King in 1999

"Oh, so you're big Bowie fan," she responded.  "That's awesome.  So am I!"

I wasn't, remember.  I was really more of a Jon Bon Jovi fan, and certainly a huge Aerosmith fan.  But she was cool, and artsy, and super hot.  So I told her I was totally a big Bowie fan and that I was going to pick up the Labyrinth soundtrack that night. 

When I went to HMV for the soundtrack, I asked Chelsea for some Bowie help to try and impress this girl.  After laughing a little bit at me, she informed me that the girl from work would probably see right through me, and that I should stick to having Prince as my false idol.  I asked about a possible Bowie's Greatest Hits, and she just sighed a little and let me know I wasn't quite ready to be a Bowie fan.

She was right, and I've since never become a huge Bowie fan - though I bet if I did it would have impressed far more cute girls than my posters of Prince and Aerosmith ever did.  That's not to say I don't love Bowie's music.  I'm definitely that guy who bought the "Best of Bowie" collection from 2002 because, "those are the songs I know."

Still, I feel the sadness that my friends who truly loved Bowie's body of work are going through.  I know the day will come when Steven Tyler will die, and I'm sure on that day I will be an emotional wreck.  So I get it.

My favorite Bowie song?  Probably, "Little Wonder" or anything from the Labyrinth soundtrack.

So, good-bye to The Goblin King. 

- ryan