The Bone Tribute Edition

Bone (by Jeff Smith) has, for a long time now, been my very favorite comic.  The first time I read an issue of Bone was in the year 2000.  I found a few reprints of the first six issues at a flea market for a buck a piece.  It was something I had read about in Wizard Magazine (remember that?) and knew I wanted to read it, but the original issues were fetching a pretty penny.  I've always been more interested in reading comics than turning a profit on them, so getting reprints cheap was no big deal for me.

I fell in love with the storytelling of Bone right after the very first issue.  I was hooked on the charm and humor as soon as the snow fell on the valley, suprizing little lost Fone Bone with that long winter.

Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about with those details, and that's okay, because Scholastic has just released a new Tribute Edition in hardcover of the first Bone story arc, Out From Boneville.  If you've never read Bone, and you're a fan of comics then you should check it out.  These days, it can easily be found in the children's section, but but that's only because it's kid-friendly.  The Bone saga was never really intended to be for kids, it just so happens that it crossed over to public schools really easily.

If you have read Bone before, then why is the Tribute edition for you?  Maybe it's the new poem, "Ode to a Quiche" by the Stupid, Stupid, Rat Creatures.  Maybe it's the gallery of Bone artwork from other great artists to accompany the story.

Or maybe, you're like me and never bought the colorized Scholastic paperbacks of Bone because you've got the classic, black and white, 1300-page, one-volume edition that recounts the entire saga.  I used to shy away from the Scholastic paperbacks because of the coloring.  To me, Bone was best enjoyed in it's purest form.

My sketch of Fone Bone, to contribute to the tribute.

But when I saw this Tribute Edition was coming out, I just had to have it... but, why?  I know the story.  I must have read those first few reprints a good fifty times.  For me, this new Tribute Edition is a new chance to enjoy Bone for the first time again - this time with my daughter Ryleigh. And she loves it too.  Reading it with her is so much fun, because she gets right into it - she's even a little scared of the Stupid, Stupid, Rat Creatures and their leader Kingdok.

Re-reading it with Ryleigh almost zaps me back to the first time I read Bone, and felt that wonder and amazement that Jeff Smith has created on the page.  I've never met Mr. Smith (though he recently re-tweeted one of my tweets and I felt like a schoolgirl) but if I do I'll shake his hand and thank him for giving my family one of the most enjoyable stories I've ever come across.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Fone Bone's affections for Thorn will have you reminiscing about your first childhood crush.

The Dastardly Villainy of My Youth

me, around 1988 or so.

When I was just a Lil' Ryan, I had a friend named Dale.  Growing up, he was a lot of fun and one of my best friends during grade school.  Dale was an interesting kid.  My mom thought he was weird, as did many of the other moms I'm sure.

We used to ride our bikes all over the neighborhood, play Super Mario Bros., and draw comics together.  Dale was a lot of fun because he was fucking crazy.

Dale was great at getting me in trouble too.  It's not like we committed first degree murder or anything, but stupid shit that kids get in trouble for.

There was a girl who lived down the street from me.  I think her name was Amanda, but honestly, it was over twenty-five years ago and that detail totally escapes me.  For sake of argument, we'll call her AmandaGlasses.  We didn't like her because she had nerdy glasses.

You can start typing all the hate mail you want.  I was, like, six years old and this was the mid-80s when it was quite common for kids with glasses to be made fun of.  And if you were a girl with glasses you got it worse than anyone else.

Dale and I just didn't like AmandaGlasses.  Maybe it was her glasses or maybe she had been mean to us in the park.  I don't know.  It was probably something to do with her glasses.  Did I mention she wore glasses?

Because she did.  She wore glasses.  It was terrible.

Dale and I decided we had been wronged by AmanadaGlasses for one reason or another (most likely because she was a girl with glasses and we didn't like her) and we needed to get back at her.  So we pooled our villainy together and did the most devious and dastardly thing we could think of.

We let the air out of her bike tires.

And then we dropped the caps from the wheels down the sewer.

Evil!

Dale and I goofing off like crazy mischievous little snot-balls are supposed to.

Now, we may have been acting like rotten kids but we did have a conscience.  Not enough of a conscience to turn ourselves in though.  Like all evil masterminds, we didn't want to be caught and thrown in prison for our villainy so we decided we needed to go into hiding in case AmandaGlasses or worse, her parents, came looking for us.

So we raided the box in my closet marked "winter clothes" and got some large coats and scarves so we could be incognito.  We didn't want our faces to be seen by anyone either, so we got our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Hallowe'en masks out too.  And that's how we walked around the neighborhood for a couple hours or so.

Oh, and this was the middle of summertime too.  The weather report wasn't calling for winter jackets.

It wasn't long before AmandaGlasses figured us out and told on us to my mother.

If there's a moral to this story, it's that justice should always prevail.  Instead of buying AmandaGlasses new bike tires, she agreed to let Dale give her his own bike.  Days and weeks went by and Dale never did give her that bike.  And AmandaGlasses moved out of the neighborhood shortly after.

Evil wins!

- ryan of the ryan fan club

...and this was us plotting our next tirade of villainy!

My Son Seems to Love Alice Cooper

A couple weeks ago, my son Grayson was throwing a bit of a temper tantrum.

Nothing really new for a two-month old child.  Sometimes when Grayson is crying I try to settle him down by singing or humming to him.  That's also nothing new; parents have been trying that old trick for centuries.

She asked me why the singer's name was Alice

Often times, I'll hum some classic movie themes - something from Star Wars or Superman.  Usually, if I hum the Princess Leia theme he chills right out and goes to sleep.  It's pretty soothing, I guess.  But this time, no such luck.  The power of the Force wasn't about to save me from the oncoming headache.

So I started singing, "Only Women Bleed" by Alice Cooper.  Granted, at the time I had been reading Alice's autobiography, "Golf Monster", and the song was fresh in my mind.  I've always been a big Alice Cooper fan, so I had no problem remembering the lyrics.  And let's face it - "Only Women Bleed" is a fucking killer song.  Give it a listen.  I can wait the five minutes or so.

"Only Women Bleed" didn't just calm Grayson down though... he started smiling.  Does my two-month old son like Alice Cooper?

So I tried something else... "No More Mr. Nice Guy"... big smiles!
"Under My Wheels"... smiling and laughing!
"I'm Eighteen"... smiling, laughter, and kinda sorta singing along.
"Poison"... all of the above.

Okay, by singing along, I mean he made lots of noise during the song. But, he wasn't crying!  So I like to thing he was singing along.

A few days later, instead of breaking out the Princess Leia theme, I went right into "School's Out", and the smiles, laughter, and noises came right back... but this time they were joined by Grayson's hands in the air, kind of not unlike a fist pump.

I'm so glad that both of my kids are developing a good taste in music at such a young age.
(Ryleigh also has a strict Aerosmith lullaby routine at bedtime and was quite upset when she thought her "Dream On" CD was broken...)

I guess he's just my billion dollar baby.

- ryan of the ryan fan club 

Cute or creepy?  My Lovely Wife nixed the 1st picture of Grayson in Alice paint I tried using, so we've got this one.

Skin

Here's a new poem that was recently featured in Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #2.  I hope you all enjoy it as much as you enjoy cold pizza on a Sunday morning.

Skin
written by ryan of the ryan fan club

It's only skin
It comes and it goes
Peels at my fingers
And falls off my toes
It keeps me warm
And protects my heart
Not a canvas
To display my art
My skin is dying
From the moment of birth
It's probably for sale
But what is it worth
It's coarse like my soul
Having once been in vain
It may give you pleasure
But it's given me pain
And when it all fades
On my final terms
My skin will be buried
And eaten by worms

If you haven't already had a chance to check out the new RFC Newzinetter, you can do so at http://www.ryanfanclub.com.... you should really do it before you're an old geezer and regret it forever.  Or just click on the picture below. Same difference.

The Punchbuggy Bible

(Revised Edition)
A few years back I compiled an official rulebook for the The Punchbuggy game.  Over time, like all sports, the rule book needs to be revised.  Certain events happen that make you question a rule, or require an alteration to a rule.  I recently took another look at the Guide To Punchbuggies and made some tweaks to help you with physically abusing your friends and family in the proper manner.

Enjoy.

Section 1 - The Outburst

1-1 -In the event of seeing a punchbuggy, the infiltrator (the person who instigates the punch) shall call out the buggy in a manner that which describes it. Example: Red Punchbuggy, No Punch Backs!

1-2 - Punchbuggies can also be called by other features that describe them as being special. Example: Mug Root Beer Punchbuggy, No Punch Backs!

1-3 - Failure to call the "No Punch Backs" leaves you completely open for a punch that can be as hard as your opponent(s) desires.

1-4 - Punchbuggies in a Volkswagen dealership lot are considered "Held in Captivity", and are unavailable for use in the Punchbuggy game. Using one of these buggies is a violation of the rules and must result in the same revenge as rule #4-3.

1-5 - Punchbuggies on television or in photographs, no matter how cool they may be, are not allowed to be used for scoring. Example: You cannot hit someone for the Herbie car while watching "Herbie Fully Loaded", but you can hit someone for seeing a REAL Punchbuggy that looks like Herbie.

There's a masturbation joke somewhere here, I just can't seem to find it.

Section 2 - Tally That Score

2-1 -New Punchbuggies are valued at One (1) Point each. Slugging someone and calling it correctly will give you one point to add on your daily scoreboard.

2-2 - Fancy-Schmancy Buggies (convertible, decorated with ads, multi-colored, missile launcher added) are worth Two (2) Points each.

2-3 - Classic Buggies (a.k.a. "Old-Skool") are valued at Five (5) Points each.

2-4 - By chance if you come across two buggies together, perhaps side by side in a parking lot or back to back on the street, you can effectively call "Double Buggie" after you exclaim, "No Punch Backs."  A double buggie is exactly that - you double the points of the buggies you have hit your opponent for.  This then applies to "Triple Buggie", in which you can triple the points for three punchbuggies in a row, and so on and so on.

2-5 - Scoring continues until the end of the day, in which the score is reset to zero (0) for each person. This is where your own judgement comes in. The game could not possibly have scores reset at midnight, for example, because one could be winning with a score of 4-3 only to have those points reset before your day has come to and end. Typically, the score is reset to zero when you have fallen asleep for the night.

Section 3 - Tie Braking

3-1 -In the event of two players punching each other and calling at the same time, the victory must be decided via Rock, Paper, Scissors (No dynamite, and no two-out-of-three).

3-2 - If you or your opponent have no hands, then a simple foot race around the block will suffice for the tie break.

Section 4 - Revenge, Sweet Revenge

4-1 -If someone punches you after you have claimed "No Punch Backs" you are legally and morally allowed to punch them again. Repeat as many times as it takes until they stop punching you back when you have clearly called "No Punch Backs".

4-2 - If someone punches you for a car that is in fact not a Punchbuggy you are entitled by all that is good and Holy to punch them back 10 times.

4-3 - At no time will you punch someone for a buggy that has already been called during that day. Doing so gives your opponent the God Given Right to hit you really, really hard. Suck it up, and wait until the next day to use that Buggy again.

Section 5 - Color Disputes

5-1 -There are some Punchbuggies that are odd in color. There's this one that is clearly yellow to me but my lovely wife says it's green. But fuck, it's definitely yellow. However, I enjoy sleeping in my bed and not on the couch so I let her have her green victory every now and again. Gentlemen, keep your women happy. But not too happy, we don't want them to think they can start voting or anything.

5-2 - Sometimes a dark blue can look like black. And vice versa. Use your own judgement when someone makes a mistake. You can choose to just let them have their point because of how close the color was, or you can return the punch with full force and correct their blurry eyes once and for all.

Remember, like all games, The Punchbuggy game is meant to have fun and hurt your friends.  If you truly like your friends, you'll hit them with all you've got.
- ryan of the ryan fan club

What It's Like To Fall In Love

With Valentine's Day almost here, I find myself reflecting on the one hundred years or so that my lovely wife and I have now been together.  Did I say one hundred years?  Maybe it's only ninety-nine.  Time sure does fly.

2002.

I met my lovely wife in the summer of 2002.  We were high school sweethearts.  And by that I mean she was still in high school and I was not anymore.  I'm nearly five years older than her.  At the time I took a lot of flack for it, but hey, I ended up marrying that girl so I guess the moral is... well.... I don't know.

The first time I met my lovely wife, she was working at a convenience store.  I bought a drink and a pack of gum.  This is an important detail to the story, so pay attention. Future Lovely Wife was so enamored by my hotness and raw sexual aura that she fumbled around and only charged me nine cents for the pack of gum.

Score! 

Hey, even if this relationship never went anywhere I could at least say I got a really good deal on a pack of gum.

Believe it or not, I never asked her out.  We got to talking on the phone a lot, and on ICQ (uh-oh!) and it turned out that while she'd had boyfriends before she'd never actually been out on a real date.  Future Lovely Wife had a great rack and gave off all the right signals, so I told her I was going to take her to dinner and a movie.

And I did just that.  But first, a stop in the park - because, really, what's more romantic than taking a seventeen year old girl to a boring park when you promised her dinner and a movie?  You got it - convincing her to give you a sweet back massage in the park!  And gosh darn that was a good back rub.  This was where we shared our first passionate kiss.
(On a side note, when I finally proposed to her years later so she could become Lovely Fiance I did so in the same park.  I'm a sucker for nostalgia and tradition)

So I took her to dinner at Frankie Pesto's.  It's always been a great date spot.  Vines on the wall.  Sinatra playing while you eat.  And, since I don't drive, there's a very convenient bus stop only a few feet away from the restaurant.

The movie of choice was The Master of Disguise, starring Dana Carvey.  You may have noticed it showed up on my Top 11 Romantic Movies list, only because it was from our first date.  That movie is otherwise complete and total shit.  But, if you think about it, that movie needed to be total shit in order for us to not want to watch it.   I mean, seriously, can you imagine if your first date movie was something like Star Wars?  You don't want to actually watch the movie during a first date, but at the same time it's fucking Star Wars.  That bloody classic deserves your attention.  Unless, of course, it's The Phantom Menace, then by all means start making out.

And that's what we did, because The Master of Disguise is a waste of film, and there were only five or six other people in the same theater as us.  We sucked face in the theater during a shitty movie where Dana Carvey repeats the line, "turtle turtle turtle."  Boy, do I know how to show a girl a good time.

Our hot make-out session was only interrupted for a moment by two little girls.  They were at the movie with their parents a couple rows ahead of us and took the time to inform said parents that we were, indeed, "ewwww kissing!" And those two little girls grew up to be Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus.  Okay, that last part is a total lie, but I'm sure they remember more about The Master of Disguise than I do.
(Side note number two... I bought The Master of Disguise on DVD for Lovely Wife one year for our anniversary.  We've still never sat through the entire thing)

There was an awkward moment during the movie though.  Future Lovely Wife was concerned that I wasn't having a good time because I kept getting up, leaving, and then coming back.  She thought maybe I didn't really like her... even though I had already stuck my tongue in her mouth by this point.  Silly. In all actuality, I was starting to get the flu and I kept running to the washroom to blow my nose.  I didn't want her to see me blow my nose.  Thought it would ruin my chances of getting in her pants later.  Am I right, ladies?  Exactly.

After the movie I took her back to my place.  Okay, I took her back to my PARENTS place because I had moved back home for a little while.  This was an opportunity for Future Lovely Wife to meet my mom and dad, even though it was now close to midnight.  Mom was asleep.  Dad was awake when we came through the front door, and he was in his tighty-whities, peeing with the door open.  For the whole world to see.

This is where I'd like to end the story of my first date with Lovely Wife, and I'd love to be able to do so in some classic Disney-ish fashion, where we share another passionate kiss and promise ourselves to each other forever and ever.  Instead, I tried to get in her pants.  But that's tough to do when you live with your parents.  Some things take a little more time.

And hey, would'ja look at that - I ended up marrying her.  Now that's a love story.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

For Hallowe'en she was Supergirl and I was Johnny Depp.

Top 11 Romantic Movies

Yes, Valentine's Day is almost here.  It's a day in which many of us take those we love out to dinner and a movie.  The big talk is all about Fifty Shades of Grey being this V-Day's must-see controversial movie.  I dunno, I'd probably watch it on blu-ray when it comes out.  Besides, my lovely wife is going with one of her girlfriends to see it on Friday night.  Any way, if you don't have tickets for it or you don't want to watch it, here are 11 other VERY romantic movies for a nice, "stay in and order pizza and a movie" kind of Valentine's Day.  There's something on this list for everyone. 

11. Edward Scissorhands
10. Grumpier Old Men
9. Chasing Amy
8. The Master of Disguise
7. Saved By The Bell: Wedding In Las Vegas
6. Don't Tell My Wife I Assfucked The Babysitter Vol. 15
5. Cocktail
4. How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days
3. The Wedding Singer
2. Somewhere In Time
1. Rocky 

Love Songs - My Five Faves

As we get closer and closer to Valentine's Day, it's time to take a look at some great love songs.

#5 - Andrew W.K. - "I Love NYC"

#4 - Oscar The Grouch - "I Love Trash"

#3 - Huey Lewis & The News - "The Power of Love"

#2 - Bruce McCulloch - "I Love My Answering Machine"

#1 - Aerosmith - "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)"

Bonus: Ryan Fan Club's "I Love Boobies (And You Should Too)"

 

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Let's Just F.

Here's something new, in honor of February being the month of good lovin' and Valentine's Day. The first little bit of this poem popped up recently in the new Ryan Fan Club Newzinetter #1.

Let's Just F.

Written by ryan of the ryan fan club

Romance is in the air and it's Saturday night

You're so beautiful in that dim moonlight

My tired, sore eyes now have a sight

How'd a guy like me get a woman so right

And then you sip on that glass of wine

Just slow enough to tease what's about to come

A quick glance for me, then glance away

Oh I'm so wrapped around your thumb

Another sip of sparkling wine

I'd love to be that glass on your lips

Still get a little nervous, it's true

When you surround me with your hips

Gotta keep it together

Gotta catch my breath

And then I catch your breath 

As your soft kiss touches my neck

I'm in the mood for sweet love

And you know it's just my luck

Then you look me in the eyes and whisper

Let's just fuck...

Now the candles aren't the only things giving off heat
And your ten painted toes are all curled
Your dress slowly crashes to the floor and it's clear

We're the only two people in the world
Then together we become one in the shadows
Our fingers intermingled with desire
You're making those sounds I so long to hear
This foreplay has set us on fire
And on top you've positioned yourself
I lean back to gaze upon your beauty, and I'm awestuck
Then I softly begin to profess my love
Your finger presses on my lip as you say, let's just fuck...

...now wasn't that romantic?

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis

Aquasideburns

Wow, someone finally managed to make Aquaman kinda cool.

In the newest direct-to-Blu-ray DC Comics feature, Justice League: Throne of Atlantis, the Super Friends have to do battle with a bunch of mer-people while making friends with the king of the seas.  A dude who can talk to fish.  And actually has killer sideburns.

Normally I try and grab these DC Animated movies on release day, but I just didn't have that desire for Throne of Atlantis.  And not just because it's Aquaman and, according to Raj on Big Bang Theory, "Aquaman sucks."  I wasn't too thrilled with Justice League: WAR, and I'm still kinda hung up on the Justice League Unlimited series ending all those years ago.  Otherwise, most of the DC Animated features have been very enjoyable, with 2009's Wonder Woman still topping my list.

So I was out shopping last night for baby stuff, and saw both Throne of Atlantis and a Blu-Ray of E.T. The Extra Terrestrial and said, fuck it I'll buy them both.

Throne of Atlantis was pretty good, with the spotlight definitely being on Aquaman.  I was hoping for more of a presence from Superman since he's my all-time favorite but that wasn't really there.  I did quite enjoy his little date with Wonder Woman though, but this definitely wasn't a movie about Kal-El.  To be honest, we've got enough of those as it is.  As you may remember from my JLA Crisis In Time review, I actually quite like seeing the secondary DC characters shine.

The animation in Throne was the usual quality from Warner Bros, and the voice acting was also what you'd expect.  I was really excited to see that an old Filmation Aquaman episode was included as one of the bonus features.  That really made my morning.  There were a couple bonus Aqua-themed episodes from Brave & The Bold too, which is awesome to have, even if I already have them on other DVD sets.

Shazaman, Green Lanternman, Wonder Womanman, Aquaman, Superguy, Batsuitman, Flashman, Not-Martian Manhunter

What fell short for me was the actual Throne story.  You get that typical super-hero fare where someone finds out they have a destiny to live up to, and by the end of the 74 minutes they're really to go do battle with every baddie they can imagine.  At no point was there really any examining what Aquaman felt when he learned that he was going to rule Atlantis.  Just all of a sudden he's like, allright...I'm king now... of a place I've never been before... shit yeah.

But, I guess we're all okay with suspending disbelief for people who can fly and become half robotic or breathe under water in the first place.

Check this little movie out, the action in it is pretty rad.  Oh, and Aquaman's sideburns really are pretty rad.

- ryan of the ryan fan club