What I'm Thankful For

What I'm Thankful For...

I'm thankful that I comes before E, except after C or when it sounds like A.

I'm thankful that my liver, kidneys, lungs, aorta, large intestine, and small intestine have yet to form a union and continue to work round the clock, seven days a week.

I'm thankful that my cat will outlive my wife's dog.

I'm thankful for bacon bits.  The real ones, not those simulated non-bacon-flavored things.

I'm thankful for sunsets.  Mostly because that sun is a hard working sonofabitch and deserves some downtime.

I'm thankful that things such as "Best Before" dates on milk are really just guidelines and that I can still rely on my sense of taste and smell to determine if I should drink that milk or not.  The milk man ain't gonna keep me down today!

I'm thankful that my cable box gives me the same channels in regular and HD, in the event that I might be feeling retro and want to watch a show in crappier quality than what is available to me.

I'm thankful that I'm tall enough to reach everything that is up high in my house, even though, yes, I did put those things up at that height knowing full well that I could reach up and grab them whenever I wanted.  It's just nice to feel successful.

I'm thankful for whoever first mixed chocolate and peanut butter together.

I'm thankful for Full House on DVD.

I'm very thankful
That I can show off my thanks
In haiku format

- ryan

...and I'm thankful for moments like these.

Top 11 Times Cartoons Got Very Real

Cartoons have always been a great form of escapism.  We can see robots that turn into vehicles.  Animals that talk.  And, of course, Hammerman.  But during the course of our childhoods there were a few times that our favorite animated adventures got a little too real.

Very real, and many of you may not have realized the real message that was being sent to you at the time.  So check this out:

Partnership for a Drug Free America!

11. Super Mario Meets Milli Vanilli
I keep this first example a little light, but really, if you were Mario (or even his brother, Green Mario) and you arrived on Earth and then met Milli Vanilli, you'd be depressed enough to need some serious counseling.
What the cartoon was telling us: Milli Vanilli are phonies. 

10. Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue
Imagine all of your favorite cartoon characters coming together in one very special episode.  Turtles, Bugs Bunny, Alf, Chipmunks, Winnie The Mother Fucking Pooh.  And then they all need to stop a boy - a boy not unlike YOU maybe - from his ADDICTION TO ILLEGAL NARCOTICS.  Yes sir, in an attempt to teach us about the dangers of drugs, the powers that be actually made them more appealing.
What the cartoon was telling us: Just say not to drugs? 

9. When The Chipettes Let "Uncle" Harry Take Photos Of Them
If you remember this one, then you're about to be blown away.  The Chipmunks had previously thwarted the evil money schemes of their "Uncle" Harry a few times, so he came back to try and snake some money out of the Chipettes - this included him taking modelling photos of them at his roach motel of an apartment.  David Seville should have called child services.
What the cartoon was telling us: Everyone has that one "uncle" that they aren't allowed to go for long walks in the wilderness with. 

8. Jon Arbuckle Wants To Pay With Cash
In my personal favorite Garfield cartoon, Jon Arbuckle is doing some shopping and wants to pay with cash.  The retailer questions him, "What is this CASH you keep referring to," and insists that Jon use a credit card to pay.  They simply won't take his money.
What the cartoon was telling us: The world will change around us and we'd better be prepared.  And if you're Jon Arbuckle, nobody wants your money.  Or your love.

7. Mad Love
Everyone loved Batman: The Animated Series.  It's still heralded as one of the greatest achievements in animation history.  Remember the episode Mad Love?  Go watch it again.  It's all about abusing the ones you love to further your own personal affairs.
What the cartoon was telling us: If you're a lovely person, and maybe pure and innocent at heart and just a little jaded and misunderstood, who is in love with an abusive (mentally and physically) psychopath then you have no choice but to continue loving them... even if you think they might be dead.

"C'mon puddin', don'tcha wanna rev up your Harley?"

 6. The Looney Tunes Got Juiced Up In Space Jam
Halfway through the epic outer space battle (jam?) between the Monstars and the Looney Tunes, the good guys all decide that whatever "secret" juice Michael Jordan is drinking must be what they need too in order to be successful basketball players.  Sure, it's just water in a bottle marked for Jordan, but they buy right into it.
What the cartoon was telling us: Your skills and hard work do not matter.  To be successful you need either drugs, magic, or Michael Jordan. 

5. Donald, Huey, Duey, and Louie Eat a Turkey
In pretty much any holiday themed classic Disney cartoon you'll see Uncle Donald sit down to turkey dinner with his duckling nephews.  I might as well just go an eat my neighbor for fun.
What the cartoon was telling us: Cannibalism isn't just for emergencies anymore kiddo. 

4. Murder Is Always Better At Christmastime 
In the Smurf's Christmas Special, a new bad guy named The Stranger kidnaps a bunch of kids.  Well, you wouldn't adultnap a bunch of kids.  Anyway, this Stranger guy gets chased down by The Smurfs AND Gargamel and they combine their efforts to stop the Stranger by engulfing him in a circle of fire, and when the flames go out he's as dead as your Christmas Turkey.
What the cartoon was telling us: This holiday season, just stay in with your family for a change.

3. Teela's Origin 
Teela, daughter of Man-At-Arms and Captain of the Royal Guard, goes on a quest to find out who her long lost mother truly is.  She has to fight monsters and get help from He-Man, but she mostly does the grunt work herself, and learns that the Sorceress of Greyskull is her real mommy.  Awwww.
What the cartoon was telling us: If you uncover a great truth about yourself or your life, your mom will simply take that memory away from you to better suit her own needs.  Oh, and your weekly allowance has just been cut back too.

Ooooh, kissin' cousins!

2. The Care Bear Pandas
In the only episode of the original Care Bears show that ever featured them, we met Perfect and Polite - two Care Bears who were pandas and had been missing for just about ever.  Well, long enough to support the plot device of that episode anyway.  The Care Bears give the pandas their own tummy symbols, and they have a hard time controlling them.  Eventually, and much like every single date Joey Gladstone ever had on Full House, we say "see you soon" to the pandas at the end of the episode and they disappear, never to be seen again.
What the cartoon was telling us: It's not okay if you don't fit in.  You need to be just like everyone else to be successful in life. Conform.  Conform!  CONFORM!

1. The Death of Optimus Prime
We've all seen it.  Optimus Prime dies and passes on the Autobot Matrix of Leadership to that pansy Ultra Magnus.  If I talk too much about it, I'll tear up and cry like a baby, so I'll ask this instead: why did the Decepticons want the AUTOBOT Matrix of Leadership so bad?  Didn't they have their own Decepticon one?
What the cartoon was telling us: Your mother and your father are going to die someday, junior.  Learn to deal with it.

And that's all!  I hope I've only slightly ruined your childhood today.  Probably not as much as Milli Vanilli did though.

- ryan

"No kids, Daddy isn't coming home tonight.  Or tomorrow.  Or ever again."

Ryan's Inappropriate Alphabet Book For Intermediate Readers

Just noticed I hadn't posted this into the Blog yet, so enjoy Ryan's Inappropriate Alphabet Book For Intermediate Readers!

Harold, Another Green Apple

Only a handful of apples ever really come to the incredible realization that Harold the Green Apple did that day.  You see, while Harold was a green apple - which is really nothing out of the ordinary as far as green apples go, most of them are different shades of green that sometimes even range into the yellow-ish realm of things - he wasn't the only one of his kind.  He was, however, the only one of his kind - the nothing out of the ordinary green kind with a skin that was nowhere near tinted yellow-ish - to discover the cause and potential solution to his own demise.

Harold, in all of his green glory, was just one of the bushel.  A bushel which in fact was no more than seven apples on this particular day.  Oh, they all had names given to them by whoever it is that gives names to apples, and for sake of argument you could let such labellings as Hector, Helena, or Hugo roll off your tongue, but such details about the other apples in the bushel would be determined as trivial, considering our adventure is about Harold.

Harold knew he was different.  Maybe it was a certain amount of curiosity that floated within his consciousness.  Perhaps it was that he was saving up a degree of bravery for a rainy day.  Some might have suggested that he, quite simply, had an abundant amount of tenured charisma.

What is most certainly for certain is that Harold still had a stem on his top, while the others did not.

Yes, that's correct - Harold was separated by a digit growing out of him that had not fallen or been pulled off, and while the other six apples in the bushel could see this protrusion that had been protruding from him, Harold could not.  And since apples don't speak in the audible languages that we, as human beings, are used to then it was relatively and incredibly impossible for any of the other six apples in the bushel that were also not at all yellowy tinted to let Harold in on the difference that made him different.

As it were, the apples had once taken a vow of silence anyway, and weren't about to break it over a silly little stem that could simply fall out at any inconvenient moment in which someone might just pass by and accidentally bump into their bushel.  Unfortunately, these things do happen.

So it's also safe to say that Harold, also harboring the inability to even look up at his own top, was completely unaware that he even had a stem or was different from the others at all.

It came as a shock to all of them when a larger man, spouting profanities in a European accent - and if you're reading this story somewhere in Europe then feel free to substitute "European accent" for "American accent" or "Islamic accent" or even "Icelandic accent" if you're really full of hatred - grabbed the bushel and proceeded to spill all seven of the apples onto a very clean stainless steel counter top.  If, in fact, Harold couldn't see the stem on his top then he could surely see the collection of well-sharpened kitchen knives in close proximity to him and his bushel companions, all of which - possibly from an unnerving apprehension in this moment - had seemingly started to tint toward a yellowish-ness that they had never tinted towards before.  It was very brief, the yellowing, and they were all most definitely back to their usual green shade within a moment or two.

Soon, an aroma of cinnamon filled the air.  Good cinnamon, the kind your mother's mother would use when baking a pie, which is not to be confused with the discount variety often utilized by large corporate baking facilities that pay their employees in the most minimal of wages.  Harold, entranced by this pleasuring odor, followed the rest of his bushel friends into a round pan, about twelve inches in diameter.  It was like a warm, newly made bed with freshly washed linen that had been air dried on a clothesline in a Spring meadow.  Harold wanted to lay there with his friends and nap for the rest of forever.

Another warm blanket, almost like a comforter, soon covered up Harold and his hardly unique pals.  The darkness that now surrounded them became warmer and warmer until it reached a loving three-hundred and fifty degrees.  The comforter sunk down on them all, and it was at this moment that Harold finally realized he was physically different from the other green apples.  No, he didn't manically believe he was now a yellow apple - or heaven forbid a red apple, because that would be enough to have him tossed into an asylum - but instead discovered that ounce of building bravery that was now stemming from his seeds inside of him.

And stemming is what he did.  His stem, that one iota that made him stand out in a crowd, was no longer simply protruding from his top.  That stem was reaching from his top all the way up, as high as it could go, which just so happened to be just enough of a distance to puncture the comforter that had been keeping the pre-heated darkness inside.

Something funny happens when one apple comes to the realization that they are contrasted from the others in any given bushel.  They desire to fit in, to belong, to kiss the prettiest girl at the high school semi-formal (assuming apples go through such tedious and traditional happenstances) - and when they realize they can't, like Harold did this day, they decide to stick out once and for all - much like the stem on Harold's top did this day - and then fade into obscurity with the rest of the bushel.

And so Harold stuck out, once and for all, and pushed his stem as far up as he could - which was just enough to garner the attention of those with the European (*you know what to do here) accents to pull the snuggling bed out from the three-hundred and fifty degrees.  And upon inspecting the green apples further, they noticed one small stem laying amongst all of the friends who had left the bushel together.  Moments passed, and the assumption determined that something must have been wrong with one of the green apples and thus all of them would be spared.  Many experts would refer to this as quality control.  Others, divine intervention.

A voice in an accent that really doesn't need clarification because it will change from region to region then suggested that yellow apples should have been used all along anyway.

And so, Harold had discovered not only his own demise, but that of his fellow green apples, and in the process assured their safety for the future (well, time being anyway, apples only last a few days once they've been picked) all the while discovering that he was, in fact, different and would now be fitting in for the rest of his days.

At least now Harold finally felt as though he was one of the bushel.  No longer would anyone make a comment having to do with the comparison of him and his greenly, un-yellowishly tinted comrades as being, "like comparing apples and oranges."

The end.

- ryan

Hulkster vs Macho Man - a Musical Battle

Just yesterday, my friend Shelby posted a classic Macho Man Slim Jim commercial to my Facebook page.  Yeah, that brought up a lot of memories of one of my all-time favorite WWF Superstars.

Miss Elizabeth couldn't pick her favorite Mega Powers record... and that's what eventually killed her.  RIP Miss Elizabeth.

But imagine my shock and surprize to learn that she had never heard Randy Savage's rap album.

Nine out of Five stars.

Wait... you mean, YOU'VE NEVER HEARD IT EITHER???

Both "Macho Man" Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan took a break from the ring to release their own albums at one point in their career.  And only two words can truly describe these albums:

BRILLIANT STUPENDOUS CONCEPT ALBUMS.

When I was first getting into WWF (sorry, I refuse to call it WWE) Wrestling in the late 80s, the Mega Powers had just exploded at Wrestlemania V, leading to one of the biggest hyped main events of all-time: Hulk Hogan versus Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

Not only was the WWF Heavyweight Title on the line, but so was Miss Elizabeth's loyalty.

Ever since then, these two have hated each other - even in real life... and probably death too, because Macho Man is unfortunately dropping flying elbows up in heaven these days.  Well, I'm not too certain that the hatred went both ways.  Savage definitely hated Hogan, but I don't think Hulk Hogan can possibly hate anybody.  As long as the Hulkster gets his own way, he's a happy heavyweight champ.

Truly emotional.

Okay, so which wrestling superstar was actually better?  It's a tough one to compare in the ring.  Hulk Hogan was WWF champion more times than Macho Man was.  But, Macho Man was actually a better in-ring performer.  Both were featured in Hollywood movies - let's not forget Macho Man appeared in Spider-Man as Bonesaw and I truly believe Hogan should have won an Academy Award for his portayal of The WWF Heavyweight Champion "Rip" in No Holds Barred.  Nobody but Hulk Hogan could have done as solid of an acting job of bringing Hulk Hogan to life on the big screen.

I think the only way to settle the score once and for all, then, is to compare their albums.  Yep, I've listened to them.  All the way through.  More than once.  More than ten times.  I'm listening to them again right now.

Below you can listen to the entire album, "Be A Man" by Macho Man Randy Savage.  It's a beautiful thing in which you can listen to Savage call out Hogan as a punk, rap a few times about how he's back (at least three different songs), and get sentimental about his dead wrestling buddy, Mr. Perfect.

 

And that was the Hulkster's song, "Hulkster In Heaven" - all about a little boy who died in the hospital, and how sad it is that he won't be able to be the number one Hulkamaniac anymore.  Yeah, that's some real heavy shit there.

For some reason (probably good taste and not copyright) the entire album isn't on YouTube, but here's a link so you can listen to most of "Hulk Rules":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsI5bfUIYHQ&list=PL-PdUU-mU5BIISfAjJ1MPPGoiUxFj0d9f

"Smell my finger, brother!"

So, who had the better album?  Would you be surprized to learn that the Hulkster actually plays the bass?  I sure was.  Just as surprized as I was to hear that MACHO MAN CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING RAP.

So the big question is, Is Macho Man's rap album better than Hulk Hogan's self-indulgent tribute album?

Oooooooh yeah!

- ryan

PS - How awesome would it be if Hulk Hogan did a cover album now of Macho Man's rap album?

Prince - Art Official Age & Plectrum Electrum

So, Prince has a couple new albums out this week.  One of them, Plectrum Electrum, has been talked about for quite some time.  It features Prince's all-girl band 3rd Eye Girl and was announced almost a year ago.  Based on the single "Screwdriver" they put out last year, I was really excited for this record.  Then it got delayed and delayed.

Art Official Age

Then a couple months back Prince announced his return to Warner Music and that a new solo album, Art Official Age, would be coming at the same time as Plectrum Electrum.  While it's not uncommon for Prince to release multiple albums on the same day, I was really hoping one wouldn't overshadow the other.

Let's not forget that since Prince is accustomed to giving us almost too much new music all at once, some of it easily gets overlooked.  Yeah, I'm looking at you Emancipation.

When I first read the title "Art Official Age" I thought it was pretty stupid.  It wasn't until I actually listened to the album and realized he's really saying, artificial age... ha ha Prince, you got me again!  You smooth, bad, mother fucker.

The two albums are very different from each other.  While Plectrum Electrum was recorded in analog with a full band, Art Official Age is the soulful R&B-inspired Prince with layered vocals, dubs, sound samples, and synths.   Both, naturally, have a strong funky element to them.  It's Prince, so you can get up and dance if you want to.

Mind you, with that said, I fully expected Art Official Age to have more upbeat dancier songs.  It's definitely not an album full of ballads, but it's not a party album either.  Neither of these new records are Purple Rain, so if you're looking for that sound again... sorry, it's lost in the past and I think Prince is pretty content with that.

The meme that actually inspired a pretty wicked Prince song.  Go figure.

I've always said that Prince's vocals seem to be their best when he's pissed off about something.  He really cuts loose and lets it all out.  We get more of that on Plectrum Electrum, possibly because of the rawer, heavier sound of the music.  I have felt that Prince's vocals on his last few albums (20Ten, Lotusflower, and Planet Earth) were phoned in and almost lazy.  This isn't so on either new album, and it's a breath of fresh air. 

So is it really fair to compare Prince's new music to his hit-peppered past?  Prince does fall into that category of musician who could release the greatest album of his career right now and radio wouldn't even notice because he's too old for the top forty.  But again, I'm not too sure he cares about such things anymore anyway.  With the vocal duties being shared amongst 3rd Eye Girl and some of his proteges, these albums comes across as something of an updated Graffiti Bridge - but without the six or seven bland songs that wound up on that soundtrack.  A couple times, on songs like "Whitecaps" and "Clouds" for instance, the lead vocals are not performed by Prince - and I think those good songs would be great songs with his stylized voice.

I was a little disappointed to see that a song, "Mutiny", wasn't on either album after seeing him play it live on the Arsenio Hall show earlier this year.  I really dug the funky song and fully expected to see it on the new record.  Also, tracks "Breakfast Can Wait" and "Breakdown" were both released earlier in the year as singles.  So if you're a Prince enthusiast, you really only got ten new songs yesterday on this album. 

Plectrum Electrum

As for Art Official Age, the standout tracks are "U Know", "This Could Be Us", the two previously released singles, and "Clouds" (which I secretly hoped he had sampled my Improexophonophelia of the same title ).  The album starts strong, lags a bit with too many slow grooves in the middle, picks it back up with "Funknroll", then slowly drags on again with "Time" (except for the funky horns in the last minute or so of that song) making you wish the album had climaxed with "Funknroll".  There's some really good stuff on this record, it's just too long.  I can also live without the spoken word interludes that seem to appear on Prince albums and always make me cringe.  Keep those spoken word pieces short Prince... ("Wendy? Yes Lisa?  Is the water warm enough? Yes Lisa.  Shall we begin?  Yes Lisa!"..."Welcome 2 The Dawn.  U've just accessed the wild experience.")

Plectrum Electrum simply kicks you in the face and doesn't stop because you aren't asking for any mercy.  At one point, on the title track, I thought we were getting a Zeppelin cover - an obvious borrow/homage to a guitar influence, which continues in Prince's Hendixy/Santana-esque guitar playing.  Standout tracks are: "Whitecaps", "Anotherlove", "Tictactoe", "Marz", and the rocking title track.  I really hope Prince continues working with this group and records more music with them.  He hasn't really sounded this good since the days of the Revolution.  Prince is awesome on his own, but when fronting a band he's unstoppable.

Overall, when we look back on Prince's classic albums - and I'm not going to name them because you already know them - they always were a mishmash  of different styles and themes that all seemed to come together as one collective unit.  On these new outings, it's clear Prince is trying to keep those styles separate from each other.  And what that does, is take away from the je ne sais pas of it all... the whole wonderment of What Is Prince Going To Show Us Next?  I hate to drag out his past, but when you'd flow through the track listing of Purple Rain, most of those songs shouldn't be side by side on the record.  But they are.  And that's why it works.  For a period of five to ten years, Prince did anything and everything he wanted.  And we ate it up. One new song, "Funknroll", appears on both albums in different versions.  Is one better than the other? That's really up to you to decide, as 'better' is just a matter of taste.  And either way, it tastes like purple.

- ryan
 
PS - Just for the record, when listening to Plectrum Electrum this morning for the first time, I was cooking up some pancakes for my wife.  High five, if you catch that reference.

PPS - Prince's drummer, Hannah Ford, is a total babe.

Does Prince Not Like His Own Legs?

Hmmmm.....

While reviewing/listening to the two new Prince albums that came out yesterday, Art Official Age and Plectrum Electrum, I decided to look over the vast array of albums he's released over the years.  One thing oddly stuck out and struck me as curious.

Does Prince not like his own legs? 

On his album covers he always seems to be shot from the waist up.

Check these out while I finish writing my review of his new records.

Parade... maybe Prince's legs were too busy dancing in the "Kiss" video to show up for the photo shoot.

Planet Earth ... in this one he blocks the view of his legs with a planet.  And it looks like the Death Star is back there too.

Art Official Age... "Goldenlegs" could be a cool James Bond villain.

Dirty Mind... I actually don't wanna see his legs in this picture

Controversy... yep, still no legs.

Prince... his legs must be off purifying themselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

Breakfast Can Wait (he must not like Chappelle's legs either)

- ryan

Look Daddy! Transformers! Harry Potter!

Somewhere along the way of being an awesome dad, my little girl Ryleigh has gotten a bit confused.

For some strange reason, she seems to think characters from Star Wars are something else entirely.

The boy who lived.

This started a few months back when we were coming home from daycare.  We went into the living room and the TV had been left on. The Empire Strikes Back was showing in all it's glory on the Spike Network (because realistically they never show anything else).  The movie was about halfway through, right when Yoda is training Luke Skywalker.  We got into the living room, and Ryleigh was really excited to see the little, green Jedi master in widescreen.

"Look Daddy," she exclaimed.  "Harry Potter!"

I didn't think very much of it at all.  "Ha ha ha, silly kid."

Then, more and more, whenever we'd be somewhere and see a picture of Star Wars, or a Star Wars toy...

"Look Daddy, Transformers!" She shouted when she saw a poster of Darth Vader in the video store.

I have to remember that she's only three years old.  I mean, she seems to truly believe in her heart that Batman can fly.

She broke my Princess Leia.  I'm over it.

A few weeks ago I came home with a vintage Millennium Falcon toy.  She loved it.  And when I set it up in the Fan Cave she didn't want Han Solo flying it.  "No Daddy," she stated.  "Harry Potter and Transformer need to fly the space plane." And she proceeded to put Yoda and Darth Vader into the cockpit.  I wasn't fussy about it.  After all, I got to play with the Lando figure.  I was the coolest guy in the galaxy.

I suppose I should just be excited at all that she's even interested in watching Star Wars.  I mean, she now knows some of the characters - Harry Potter, Transformer, Bee-boo-Bee-2, Pony Fett, and Chewbroccoli - even if she's not 100% sure of their names.

And she pointed out that Transformer isn't a very nice daddy to Luke Skywalker.

I dunno, I grew up on Star Wars AND Transformers at the same time and look how I turned out.  I think she's going to be just fine.  And really, if Harry Potter were half as good as Yoda then he would've found those Horcruxes lickity-split.

-ryan

ps - for the record, she only watches the original trilogy because I'm a good parent.

Well... son of a bitch.

Ryan's Childhood Memories - The BiWay

Now that I'm a parent, I can look back on parts of my own childhood and reflect upon those things that irritated me as a child and how I'll apply those feelings to the raising of my own children.

I essentially have two options:
1. Remember how I felt as a kid and allow myself to not treat my children the same,
or
2. Remember how I felt as a kid, say to hell with it, and be just like my awesome parents were.

Maybe I'm being too vague.  I am, of course, referring to shopping at the Bi-Way.

The power and the glory of the Bi-Way

If you don't know what the Bi-Way was then, maybe, your soul will never truly reach heaven.  I'm no expert on these biblical things.

I do, however, have many memories of shopping at the Bi-Way with my mother.  The Bi-Way was a discount department store.  Your first thought might be to compare it with Walmart, and while I generally don't enjoy going to Walmart you can't compare the two.  Sit down for a second, because this analogy might make you uncomfortable.

When comparing the two department stores, Walmart is like champagne and Bi-Way was half a bottle of leftover shitty wine that had been sitting in the sun for three days after an outdoor engagement party for a couple who got a divorce three weeks after their wedding day.

And my mom insisted on buying my clothes at The Bi-Way.  It's a wonder I didn't get beat up and picked on more than I did as a kid.

Again, if you've never been inside a Bi-Way or you're too young to know about it then you really don't understand.  I'm talking about pants that had different lengths to their legs.  And not because that was some weird early 90s yo-mtv-raps fad... these products were so shitty in design and execution that you could purchase them for 99 cents and Bi-Way was still making a profit.

Venture Force shoes.  Anyone? Yeah, that's right - if you remember them, then you're also hiding those emotional scars inside, aren't you?

I don't know why all my clothes came from Bi-Way.  I mean, when my mother would inevitably wash them with the laundry detergent she bought at the Bi-Way, they'd all seem to just disintegrate.  So then it would be another trip, off to the Bi-Way for some new t-shirts on the $1.49 rack.

I don't want to sound overly negative, as I actually DO have some fond memories of Bi-Way.

For example:
1. My favorite hockey stick ever came from Bi-Way, was only 99 cents, and was covered in Russian text that I couldn't understand.  But, at the tender age of eleven, having that stick made me feel like I could shoot like Sergei Federov.  The other kids made me play goalie though because I was fat.
2. The Bi-Way we frequented was right next to the food court, so I could always convince my mom to stop at Yogen Fruz afterwards.
3. When I had naked pictures of me developed for Ryan Fan Club Newsletter #3 back in 1998, they were developed at Bi-Way.  Yep, some poor Bi-Way employee saw me with no clothes on.  I hope she isn't overly scarred to this day.  Or he.  I never until this very moment considered that a dude might have developed those photos.

So there we have it.  Bi-Way.  It's gone.

- ryan

Anna's Further Adventures?

What did Anna do after Frozen?

This is what happens when I'm left alone with my daughter's dolls and a camera.