Top 11 Great Reasons to Love Yourself

In honor of the release of my new single, "Menage A Moi", let's take a look at the Top 11 reasons to love yourself.



scientific science at work.

10. You don't have to pay for a movie or dinner.  Think of the moolah you'll save by not dating.

9. You don't have to look your best.  You could just wear smelly sweat pants... or an old Ultimate Warrior t-shirt... or nothing but socks...

8. Nobody else is going to do it for you, you fugly bastard.

7. If you're an attractive woman, you could make serious cash online doing it.  Don't ask me how.  I'm neither wealthy, nor an attractive woman.

6. It's been proven by scientific science that doing it will kill either a kitten or Tony Danza.  Help control the Tony Danza population.

5. You get to be the master. Or, in some parts of Europe, you get to be the "mastur".

4. Frequent instances of loving yourself will help to keep the almond farmers employed.  At least it should.  Eat lots of almonds folks!

3. You could write a new book!  Yeah! With enough practice and determination you could write "The Kama Sutra For One".

2. Most religions consider it a sin.  And admit it, when you sin, you feel pretty cool.

1. It's Friday.

So the next time you feel like loving yourself, for whatever reason, go ahead and do it while listening to "Menage A Moi".  I won't be creeped out at all by that.  The song is about three and a half minutes, so for some of you that means you'll have to put it on repeat.  For the rest of you, if you finish before the first chorus is done I'll be mighty disappointed... or impressed if you're a chick, cause that would be really efficient work on your part.

Ta ta!

- r

Lollipop Chainsaw

...for the record, I've only made it past the first level of this game, and it's the pretty much the greatest game I've ever played.  And I've finished Bubble Bobble twice.

A cheerleader, who just turned eighteen, running around with a chainsaw and killing zombies appeals to all six of my lowest common denominators.

The guy at EB Games said, "It's okay, but it gets really repetitive really fast," when I asked him about it.  Then he suggested I buy the last game from the same developers because, "it's pretty much one continuous penis joke."

Uh... okay, I think I'll spend my time ogling the cheerleader with the chainsaw.

Did I mention that our hero's boyfriend is voiced by Michael Rosenbaum?  Mother fuckin' Lex friggin' Luthor!  Awwww yeah!

The controls aren't too hard either.  Keep in mind, my video game history revolves mostly around classic NES games and the NHL series.  I'm not used to these "serious" gamer games.  I'm really tempted to include a joke about my Wii here, but I'll let you use your imagination. 

All in all, I'd give this a game four out of... aww fuck it, it has a cheerleader with a chainsaw!  This games rules!

- ryan

Menage A Moi - single cover art!

As we get closer and closer to the release of Untitled Album, I can't help but keep your taste buds chomping... so here's the cover artwork for the first single from the album, Menage A Moi, in all it's glory!

Did I mention we're filming a video for this one too?

It's a collaborative effort with the great Peter Fairley, who you may remember as the filmographer for many of the classic scenes in "Behind The Fan Club".

It's gonna be awesome.

Stay tuned!

- ryan

Getting closer and closer to the new album

Wow.
It's almost here.
After going through a bajillion possible names for the thing, I finally decided to not even name it at all.
Or maybe "Untitled Album" is the actual title.
Maybe it has been all along.
Maybe I'm just so mysterious to even myself!

For those who missed it on the facebook page, here's the tracklisting:

1. Bootleg Me
2. Menage A Moi
3. Dirty Blooze
4. Spider's Sin
5. Sinking Slow
6. Lizzy Shue
7. Seventeen
8. Her Empty Trust Fund
9. Hot Mess
10. Lightning Skies

So that's the new record. Look for it this September. Yes, THIS September.

More pictures to come soon.

- ryan

Now That's Fast!

Where's the line?

One of the new songs I've recorded is called "Hot Mess".  It's a funky-rock song all about... well... how can I put this delicately... cunningulus.

There I said it.  Cunningulus.  Just say it out loud and it'll be okay.  Just make sure your mom isn't in the same room.  Chances are, she knows that word and you don't.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the term, loosely translated it means "going down on a girl".

Are you blushing yet?

So here's the thing.  There's a few ways to go about this kind of subject matter, right?  There are lyrics like, "...I'll love you all through the night because I eat _______ oh so right..."  

What's the first word that comes to your mind?

Would I insert the word "pussy" into that lyric?  Or would I simply use "cherry pie" and let YOUR dirty mind illustrate what everyone else is already thinking?

Complicated, isn't it?  So, where do we draw the line on good taste? And who is the judge of good taste?  Your parents?  MY parents?  The government?  The Church?  Madonna?  Or do we simply slap a Parental Advisory sticker all over everything.  Those stickers pretty much paraphrase, "hey kid, this album has lots of swearing and sex and your mom doesn't want you to hear it."

Artists have been pushing the boundaries since the day those boundaries were established. 

Now, I'm not the type to delve too far into the "vulgar" territory.  At least not anymore... I think I'm all done with songs called "Fart In Your Mouth, Baby".  I'd rather sing a wink with a smile and let you read between the lines.  I mean, we all have those thoughts, but not broadcasting them bluntly is what makes them so inappropriate when we do.  And it makes us all feel like a little bit of a bad-ass on the inside for having those thoughts.

You.  Are.  Not.  Alone.

So enjoy this song when it comes out.  Don't worry... it won't be much longer now.

- Ryan

Superman Family Adventures

That right there might be the greatest first page I've seen in a comic book in a very, very long time.

I've been saying for a few years now that DC Comics needs to make a Superman that's strictly for kids. It's no secret that The Man of Steel hasn't been popular or cool for a very long time.  The only outlet that even almost made Kal-El relevant again was Smallville, but many die-hard fanboys found the show wasn't enough like the comics.

*sigh*

And yet, people just don't buy Superman comics anymore.  It's like a catch 22.

"He wears his underwear on the outside of his pants"
"He's too powerful to be taken realistically"
"He's boring"

The problem with Superman comics isn't the character, but the medium itself.  Sometime over the last 25 years or so, comics grew up with their audience.  You couldn't have a successful funny book unless the main character faced problems that readers could relate to.  But, six-year-old kids still think it's cool to see a guy in a cape throw a meteor into space.  How could DC Comics ignore this target market for so long?

I've been asking for a Superman who breaks the fourth wall, winks at the readers, and hurls stuff into space.  I've been wanting a Lois Lane who can break any story but can't seem to prove that Superman is really Clark Kent.  I've been itching for some good ol' "Great Caesar's Ghost!".

In Issue #1, Superman has to stop some "mysterious" robots from attacking Metropolis.  Turns out this is a big ploy for Lex Luthor to steal Superman's super-powers!  GASP!  What a simple, exciting, fun premise for a Superman story. 

I'll be reading this one for a long time to come.  Awwww yeah Krypto!

Sucking, blowing, riding down the big river...

I often get odd looks from people when I tell them I play harmonica.  Even my good friends.

Then I have to almost go into defensive mode and explain that, yes, the harmonica is a real instrument.

At this point they're still usually giving me "that look" - you know the one, the look that says uh-huh, what a silly little instrument...

Then I pull a Hohner Big River Harp out of my left pocket (I always keep the key of A handy) and ask them to go ahead and play it.  They always decline.  Or they stop playing as quickly as they started.

I started playing harmonica in late 1996, mostly because I can't play guitar.  Nope, I can't hit a single lick of guitar.  I can't get my hand around the neck comfortably, so playing guitar was just out of the question.  Every time I tried, I found myself wanting to strangle the goddam thing.  In my mid teens I was really getting into Aerosmith.  It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of theirs, and to prove it just ask to see the picture of them in my wallet, and the middle of the 90s was when I was really getting into their music.  And at that point there was already twenty years worth to discover. 
Anyway, I was at this little used CD store that had some beat up records for fifty cents each, and I managed to snag a copy of the first Aerosmith LP - the one with the mis-spelled "Walkin' The Dig" on the back.  There's a tune on that one called "One Way Street" that has some sweet harmonica parts all through it.  After just one listen, I decided I would teach myself to play it.

My first harmonica was given to me by my friend Angie.  It sounded weird.  Turns out it was the type used in marching bands.  Now that's totally rock n' roll.  I ended up acquiring a Hohner Blues Harp that just so happened to be in the key of A and played that fucker until it eventually fell apart.  It really did fall apart.  At one point I kept it held together with an elastic band.  I loved that harp so much.  When I replaced it, the new one never sounded quite the same. 
I taught myself how to play, but bought a book to reference how to cross-harp and play along with all those silly guitarists.  I still have very fond memories of jamming with Steve and Rich in Polson Park field.  We tried so hard to sound Stones-ish.  It was totally bad.

On my new album, I'm playing a lot of harmonica.  I'm getting better harp sounds than I've ever had before.  Damn, it's great to be inspired.  Listen for it on "Menage A Moi" and "Dirty Blooze".  Your ears will have a hohner-gasm.

And that's that.  Next time you see someone playing harmonica - and I mean really playing it, not some guitar player who has a harp around their neck with a brace... I loathe that - get to know them a little better.  They're using their lips and tongue, and harp players are scientifically proven to be better lovers.

Peace.

Top 11 New Album Titles I Won't Be Using

So I've been getting asked by many Ryan-Fans about this new CD I'm putting together.  So far, so good.
No, that's not the title.  This isn't a 1993 Bryan Adams Greatest Hits compilation.

The biggest question I've been getting asked is, "What's the name of the new album?"  Well, the project doesn't have a name yet.  There are a few I've been toying with, such as "Swag", "Hard", and "Toxika" (the latter named for my cat who died in 2001), but here's a list of eleven album titles I certainly won't be using.
Enjoy.

11. "The Alaskan Pipeline"
Look up what that means on Urban Dictionary, and you'll see why I even thought about using it as a title.

10. "Ryan Fan Club (feat. Englebert Humperdink) Presents Classic Re-Interpretations of Ritchie Valens Songs"
Now this one is a great title, but it's kind of on the long side.  Any radio announcer talking about the album would waste half their day on just the title.

9. "No Room For The Sofa"
I originally planned on calling the "Friggidy Ding-Dong" album this, but ended up just using the phrase as a lyric in that song.


8. "Raditude"
I WAS going to use this title once upon a time too, but someone named Weezer beat me to it.  God, I hate them.

7. "God, I Hate Weezer"
It's catchy and all, but you'd end up accidentally illegally downloading that stupid sweater song while searching for torrents of my album.  I wouldn't want to subject you to that song.


6. "The Blonde Leading The Blonde"
... mmmmmmm.... dirty thoughts....

5. "Six"
At some point, most artists name an album based on how many albums they've made.  Kravitz did it.  STP did it.  Zeppelin unofficially did it.  I won't be doing it any time soon.  At least not until "17".

4. "Offside"
This was almost the name of my "Very Best Of" collection from a couple years ago.  I play a lot of street hockey, so it appealed to me.  And the silly, rude songs were kind of "offside" too - if you catch my drift.

3. "Spaceballs The Concept Album - By Ryan Fan Club"
Yeah, I could turn that classic film into a Broadway musical.  "...I need a million spacebucks and I'm feeling kinda blue-ish. I can get it from a Princess who doesn't look Druish..."  and so on, and so on.

2. "Skeletora-tora-tora!"
If you say that one three times fast, you'll open up a magic portal to a far away land...


1. "The Pink Album"
It's just a little too obvious, given my love of the color and all things associated with it.  With the connotations that go along with the color and it's relation to a woman's vagina, I might as well just call the album "Crosby" and have a big, hairy beaver crying next to a dam that's fallen apart.

And that's that!

Creative Validation

Remember that part in Superman: The Movie where Jonathon Kent takes young Clark on that walk down the dirt driveway to give him a life lesson on outrunning trains in public?

Well, he uses a phrase that has often stuck with me when I'm alone with only my own thoughts, "... a man gets a little older, and he starts thinking differently..."

That phrase has been coming up in my mind quite a bit lately.

As you already know, I'm putting together a new album of songs, and I've gotten older and I'm thinking differently.  Maybe being a father does that to you, maybe it's a longing for something knew, or maybe I just don't want to be known as "the guy who sang that 'I Have A Penis' song".  For what it's worth, I loved all that old music I made and still listen to most of it from time to time.  Now, I've never felt the need to be taken seriously as an "artist" or a "songwriter" before. And seriously, people who refer to themselves as "singer/songwriters" just need a punch in the mouth.  Labelling myself has never really been my thing, but if I had to, it would fall into some "entertainer" category.

Always good for a laugh, even if at my own expense.

Part of me thinks this new album, while still un-titled, is some sort of creative validation.  Like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can write "real" songs about "real" ideas.  Or am I trying to prove it to others?  Some of my amazing Ryan-Fans may remember the first batch of tunes I ever released.  Do "Raining In June" or "I Don't Know Why" ring a bell?  Maybe not.  After all, I got so self-consumed in friggidy-impotence-pizza-monkey-spanking-fat-chick type songs that I tucked all those old, "real" songs under the carpet.  Part of me is writing this new album just to show my wife, who will never listen to it anyway, that "hey, see, I can do this if I want to".

I wonder if the guys in Metallica ever wanted to do an album of children's songs, but never did it because, fuck, they're Metallica.  They HAVE to do Metallica-type songs. 

So far, this new album of mine has about 4 complete songs and 6 more in the works.  They aren't funny, but that doesn't mean they aren't fun.  My guitarist, Shane, used the word "novelty" when describing my last couple of albums.  It makes sense, but imagine the motions you go through when someone refers to your creativity as a novelty act.  Whoa, deep breath, just cause you don't like hearing it doesn't mean it ain't right.

New songs are called Menage A Moi, Bootleg Me, Dirty Blooze, Sinking Slow, Lightning Skies (Never Enough), Cocktails And Dreams, and ... well, I don't want to give too much away too soon.  The sound?  Imagine a Chili Peppers/Cult thing going on.  Much different than the description of "imagine the Kids In The Hall had a baby with C&C Music Factory" that I used for the Friggidy CD.

I'm having more fun than ever making music, and I'm more inspired to create than ever before.

I guess what I'm getting at here, is if you're looking for creative validation the only place you'll really find it is within yourself.  A million people can enjoy what you do, but if you're not diggin' it then what's the point?

The crazy part is, when I was younger, I didn't think all that much differently.