1993 ... the year we loved and look back on with embarrassment.

...it was pointed to me that the Aerosmith album "Get A Grip" is now twenty years old this week.  Holy fuck, that makes me feel pretty old.  Probably not as old as the guys in Aerosmith, but still old enough to remember crushing on Alicia Silverstone pretty hard.  It got me thinking about all those great loves from my youth, especially the year 1993, and how when I look back on it all, I really look back on it with a touch of embarrassment.  Let's take a look.

Get A Grip

how's that milk gonna taste?

...this was the album that got me into Aerosmith.  I'm a HUGE Aerosmith fan. And it's weird to look back on this fandom and see that it all started with one of their "worst", however much successful, records.  I won't lie - "Cryin'" and "Livin' On The Edge" are great songs.  "Cryin'" might be one of the greatest songs ever put together.  It's just darn perfect.   But do most people remember it for the song or for the Alicia Silverstone video?  Or maybe you like it because Steven Tyler's daughter Liv is in the video.  But you're wrong, because that was the video for "Crazy" and you've somehow managed to get the "Cryin/Crazy/Amazing" trilogy of INCREDIBLE videos to meld together as one story in your memory.  Ah yes, back when music videos told a story.
Either way, "Get A Grip" is the reason many of today's Aerosmith fans are really into the band.  They heard those MTV hits and then discovered Dream On, Sweet Emotion, and Draw The Line.  If you ask a die-hard Aerosmith fan what they think of "Get A Grip"... "overproduced"... "too glossy"... "too many ballads"... "not enough balls"... but then they'll admit how much they loved it in 1993 and 1994.

Toronto Maple Leafs
...the other night, the Leafs clinched a spot for the 2013 Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Of course, all the bandwagon "die-hard" Leafs fans have come out of hiding.  If you remember, a while back I wrote an article about how Deep Down Everyone's A Leafs Fan.  Well, in 1993 I jumped on that bandwagon too, mostly because of how exciting Doug Gilmour was as a player.  And even though I've been cheering relentlessy for the Bruins since 2000, I still quietly will admit to people how I once cheered for the blue and white, and how I truly believe '93 was their year to win the Cup.  And yes, I also believe in my heart they were screwed in the Conference finals versus the LA Kings.

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

... Superman died in late '92, came back to life in early '93 as four imposters, and then returned to TV in late '93 with Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher.  The "Death" of Superman increased his fan-base and made him cool again... okay, for about a year or so... but it was awesome to see the Man of Steel on TV again. Little did we know this was more of a romantic comedy show than an all-out action series.  But we got sucked in, and found ourselves sitting through episodes about clones eating frogs.  Nothing was worse than Superman finding out he was already married to some chick from Krypton who just so happened to have romantic feelings about the other major guest star of that episode.  Oh fuck off.  Of course!  It's shit like this that made it hard for anyone to take Earth's favorite adopted son seriously for so long.  At least we have Man Of Steel this summer.

So there you have it.  1993 lives on fondly in our hearts... we just don't wanna tell anyone about it.

Lizzy Shue

...and finally, the music video for Lizzy Shue.  (In HD too... hey, that rhymes!)

Lizzy Shue single

Lizzy Shue CD Single (limited edition)

Hey gang, Check out the artwork for my new single, "Lizzy Shue". 

A special limited edition CD single release has the following tracklisting:

1. Lizzy Shue (AOR mix)

2. Lizzy Shue (LP version)

3. Dirty Blooze

4. Lizzy Shue (Demo version)

A video is also in the works for this tune, so stay tuned for that as well!


Purchase "Untitled Album" on iTunes for $9.99

5 Kids Shows That Make It Safe For Us Adults To Turn the TV On Again

... television isn't going anywhere.  Unless you think in terms of having televised billboards, TV screens in your car, or the ability to watch re-runs of Perfect Strangers on your smart phone, in which case it's going everywhere.  More than ever, our children are being raised by the third parent in the household who goes by the name of TV.

Now I'm not going to sit here and rant about whether TV is good or bad for our kids.  My daughter watches TV, yes, but she also loves reading books, doing jigsaw puzzles, and having tea parties.

I will, however, make the bold statement that if your kid is watching TV regularly, then it's finally getting safe again for you to tune in with them and not want to blow your brains out.

Gil and Molly are probably going to sing any second now.

Children's television in it's earlier stages gave us great shows such as Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody, and the grand-daddy of them all, Sesame Street.  All of which were quality programming that could be appreciated by parents while the kids watched.  But then in the early 90s, some ignorant asshole created Barney and essentially gave a big middle finger to parents everywhere.

Admit it - somewhere in the back of your subconscious are the lyrics to the "I love you, you love me" song.

Barney f-ed up kids shows for a long time, and paved the way for the Teletubbies too.  Those two examples made parents so jaded that when any new kids-show debuted, the parents would automatically block them out.   Sure, there were some shining moments kicking around (Blues Clues, Thomas & Friends) but the majority of shows just annoyed the adults and hypnotized the kids.

So here are five shows you can watch with your little genetic offspring.  And you can feel safe to enjoy them too:

1. Bubble Guppies
Just try not to sing along with this little group of pre-school fish-people.  Some of their songs are good enough to be on the radio.  Seriously, YouTube "Bubble Guppies Restaurant song" and you'll be hooked.  This show follows a formula, is witty, clever, and very bright.  My daughter has seen each episode over and over and we don't get tired of it.

2. Jake & The Neverland Pirates
Leave it to Disney to find a way to make Captain Hook interesting again after all these years. The kids get to help the heroes solve "pirate problems" and collect gold coins. 

3. Octonauts

Kwazii is that awesome dude on the right.

Imagine Indiana Jones but under water.  Then throw in some awesome British accents.  Then make one of the characters kind of a bad-ass cat with a swell mustache and name him "Kwazii".  Yeah, that's right - KWAZII.  If I have another child, I'm naming it Kwazii.  I don't care what my wife says.

4. Max and Ruby
This is a show about two bunnies... brother and sister... who seem to live all by themselves.  While my daughter is glued to this show, I use MY imagination and wonder where the parents are.

5. Toopy and Binoo
This one might be up for debate... you see, the first few times I saw Toopy and Binoo, my jaw dropped and I managed to mumble, "What the fuck is this..."
Toopy is a boy who likes to wear lipstick, dress up like a beautiful princess, and thinks he's all around fabulous.  It took me a while to get into this show, but it's really a lot smarter than what's just on the surface.  It actually deals with the human ego, how we see ourselves, and how we think others see us.  It's actually kinda brilliant.

And there you go.  You can sit and enjoy TV with your child again. 
Wait... what?  You don't have kids?  Oh.
Well, you might enjoy these shows for yourself?

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2012

... and once again we find ourselves close to Christmas.  I know, I know, you probably haven't finished your shopping yet, and you really don't know what to get me.  Each year I put together a wish list, and it's awesome to look back and see how many of those wishes actually came true (the 1988 Superman cartoon on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup in Boston... just to name a few). 

So here we go again this year. 

An Uncle Jesse Doll Action Figure
... this would be a friggin' Christmas miracle.  Every year I put the Uncle Jesse doll on the very top of my Christmas list, and I have yet to have any mercy in my stocking.  So I got to thinking about it, and maybe Santa doesn't feel comfortable with giving me a "doll".  So henceforth, I'm calling it an Uncle Jesse Action Figure.  That sounds way cooler, and I can tell all the girls at school he has "Have Mercy Grip".  People used to ask me why I wanted a Jesse doll action figure so badly.  These days, as a loving father of a beautiful baby girl, it would result in even better playtime for us.

A Passionate Evening With Mrs. Claus
... it's never been a secret that I think Jessica Claus, from the classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" cartoon, is a total babe. 
Totally.
Wouldn't it therefore be awesomely great to be magically transformed into a stop/go animation puppet so I could make sweet love to Mrs. Claus right before she meets that Kringle ginger?  It would require a time machine to get to the start of the movie, and a brand new invention known as the "Rankin-Bassinator-3000" - a machine that could turn me into a puppet.
Once there, I'd show up with a nice bottle of white wine, a cassette tape of Barry White's Greatest Hits, and step-by-step directions on how to jump up and down afterwards to avoid pregnancy.  After all, I don't want to alter history and mess up Christmas for everyone else.

Spend a Day With Peter Cullen, Prank Calling All My Friends
...I could just imagine the look on my friends' faces when they answer their phone to hear Optimus Prime saying, "Hey Scott, Ironhide and I are going downtown for a couple pints to celebrate us fucking up Megatron's evil plan.  Now let's roll out."

 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Autobiography on CD, read by an Arnold Impersonator
... the awesomeness of this just goes without saying.  I bet my friend Dustin would do a great job of it too.

What do you want for Christmas?

This Christmas, Give Her What She Really Wants...

... 38 minutes of Ryan.

(That's 23 minutes longer than her normally lasts!)

It'll cost you less than ten bucks to make her happy:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/untitled-album/id563104614

"Spider's Sin" - lyrics

...with the new video for "Spider's Sin" debuting this past weekend, I've been asked to share the lyrics.  Here you go:

Spider's Sin single cover artwork

(written by Ryan Fan Club & Intoxikatrix)

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Embraced inside your den
The black widow's gonna marry again
You gotta spread your wings
And fly

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Bare naked in the acid rain
Naked, of course, except for the stain
Better lose it before you use it
Yeah, you promised she could abuse it
Or re-use it

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin

Spider's Sin video

Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Ain't no shower gonna clean it off
Give a little bit of turn your head and cough
Remember, when you're tossing out your tissues
Don't forget to thank daddy for your issues

Spider's sin
In the web
In the web
In the web of the spider's sin

Aerosmith - Music From Another Dimension! (review)

Aerosmith are back with their first album of all-new material since 2001's Just Push Play.  There are many reasons as to what the hell took them forever to do this, but the long story short is that Aerosmith never really gets anything finished when they say they will.  Still, I've been looking forward to this album since the first single dropped last Spring.  So let's take a look at Music From Another Dimension!

Music From Another Dimension!... in my man-cave.

The Good: There's some really cool rock songs on this album.  In fact, MFAD seems to span the band's entire career.  You've got fist-pumping rockers like "Luv XXX" and "Legendary Child".  You've got the radio-friendly ballads like, "What Could Have Been Love" and "We All Fall Down".  There's the experimental, what-the-hell style on "Beautiful", and there's also the straight-forward "Oh Yeah" - a song that reminds me of their first album in many ways.
Speaking of the 1970s, if you're that person who always says, "Aerosmith sucks and hasn't done anything good since the 70s", then you'll like the blistering "Street Jesus".  Trust me.
For me, the standout track has been "Out Go The Lights", which used to be an outtake called "Guilty Kilt".  I've been listening to that outtake for about 15 years now and always wondered why it was never finished into a song.  Now that it is, Out Go The Lights really does capture the feel of the band.
Pretty much encapsulates the band's entire career, right?  Oh, what about a cross-genre collaboration like they did with Run DMC.  Yep, that's on here too - in the name of Carrie Underwood.  I've got no problem with Aerosmith doing a little country. They've always had a little touch of country in them here and there.  And since today's country music is really just classic rock, it makes too much sense.  When the song, "Can't Stop Lovin' You", hits radio it will no doubt be a sing-along hit that could result in Steven Tyler nailing as many twenty-somethings as he'd like.  Makes you wonder why every guy on the planet doesn't go country.
Music From Another Dimension really succeeds in its sound though.  The guys in Aerosmith are actually playing in the same room together this time.  They recorded this as a band.  And for the first time in twenty-five years or so, everyone on the roster has a writing credit somewhere.  When Tyler sings the ballads, you can feel the pain in the lyrics ("Another Last Goodbye" might just make you tear up a bit).  We haven't felt that from Tyler in a long time, as he seemed too focussed on making a hit before.

The Bad:  The album does run a little long and could've been cut down to ten songs, or separated as two albums.  There are five bonus songs kicking around on various deluxe editions, so we could have had two ten-track albums.  Music From Another Dimension really doesn't hit a drag until "Freedom Fighter", with vocals by Joe Fuckin' Perry.  This song about Invisible Children in Africa shows us why there aren't many politically charged anthems on Aerosmith records.  Even background vocals from Johnny Depp can't save this song.  Perry pretty much kills the record again with "Something" a mere two tracks later, which is a real shame because better lyrics and vocals by Tyler would've made that one a really cool old style rock song.  The guitars are nice n' dirty on it. There's usually a Perry-vocal song on the albums that gets skipped over so having two (3 if you count bonus tracks) is just overkill.
I mentioned the five bonus songs, and a couple of them could have easily replaced the Perry tunes to strenghten the album up.  But then again, as we've mentioned before, this album seems to represent the band's entire career, and Joe Perry did have two solo eras of his career, so maybe that's what they're trying to say here? 
I think the album title is a little silly, and might have been better if it was just called "Another Dimension".

The Verdict: If you're looking for the next "Rocks" or "Toys In The Attic", this isn't it.  And really, that's not possible to get anymore from Aerosmith.  The band grew up and changed tastes.  They aren't nearly as pissed off about everything as they were back in those days.  But Music From Another Dimension is definitely worth picking up.  If you've ever liked Aerosmith then there's something for you on this album.  You can hear their Beatles influence all over the place.  And shell out the extra three dollars for the deluxe edition.  You get those bonus songs, 2 of 3 are really good, and a DVD with live footage and interviews. 
Music From Another Dimension is Aerosmith's last album under contract with Sony.  So it might be their last album, for all we know. I don't see the band ever stopping, but with today's multi-distribution paths, I wouldn't be surprized if they started releasing online singles and EPs on their own terms.  At least that way we wouldn't have to wait eleven years for new Aerosmith music.

"should've called"

... here's a new piece of writing called "Should've Called".  I might turn it into a song at some point, but I haven't decided yet.

"Should've Called"
(written by Ryan Matthew Ewing)

... so I guess this is really good-bye
And we all know it's hard sometimes
To walk away and try not to cry
Lookin' back on all the love
All those years
And see your reflection
In the tears in my eyes

And I should've called when I had the chance
I should have made more time for you and me
Left to a loss for words with an empty stare
And I really should have been there
I really should've called

So far I've been able to hide the pain
And it's harder each passing day to stay strong
Without your voice to ease the strain
Time passes away
Then it hits me that you've really left
And my only comfort is the rain

And I should've called when I had the chance
It's never too late until it's too late
Cause love shouldn't get tired and fade away
No, I can't ever get back that yesterday
I really should've called

And it only ever comes in a wave
All is fine n' dandy in the memories we've saved
It's all I've ever known
I'm forgetting it all, when I try to reach out
To learn I'm here alone

And I should've called when I had the chance
I should have just found a way to make more of a try
So I guess this is really good-bye...

...music videos

...music videos.

Are these things even relevant anymore?  Videos were huge in the 80s when MTV launched, and they peaked in creativity in the early 90s with GnFnR's "November Rain".

But the music channels barely play music videos anymore.  And they haven't for a while.

So why am I recording a music video for my song, "Spider's Sin"?

I still like music videos.  So that must mean there are other people out there who do too.

- ryan