Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2012

... and once again we find ourselves close to Christmas.  I know, I know, you probably haven't finished your shopping yet, and you really don't know what to get me.  Each year I put together a wish list, and it's awesome to look back and see how many of those wishes actually came true (the 1988 Superman cartoon on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup in Boston... just to name a few). 

So here we go again this year. 

An Uncle Jesse Doll Action Figure
... this would be a friggin' Christmas miracle.  Every year I put the Uncle Jesse doll on the very top of my Christmas list, and I have yet to have any mercy in my stocking.  So I got to thinking about it, and maybe Santa doesn't feel comfortable with giving me a "doll".  So henceforth, I'm calling it an Uncle Jesse Action Figure.  That sounds way cooler, and I can tell all the girls at school he has "Have Mercy Grip".  People used to ask me why I wanted a Jesse doll action figure so badly.  These days, as a loving father of a beautiful baby girl, it would result in even better playtime for us.

A Passionate Evening With Mrs. Claus
... it's never been a secret that I think Jessica Claus, from the classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" cartoon, is a total babe. 
Totally.
Wouldn't it therefore be awesomely great to be magically transformed into a stop/go animation puppet so I could make sweet love to Mrs. Claus right before she meets that Kringle ginger?  It would require a time machine to get to the start of the movie, and a brand new invention known as the "Rankin-Bassinator-3000" - a machine that could turn me into a puppet.
Once there, I'd show up with a nice bottle of white wine, a cassette tape of Barry White's Greatest Hits, and step-by-step directions on how to jump up and down afterwards to avoid pregnancy.  After all, I don't want to alter history and mess up Christmas for everyone else.

Spend a Day With Peter Cullen, Prank Calling All My Friends
...I could just imagine the look on my friends' faces when they answer their phone to hear Optimus Prime saying, "Hey Scott, Ironhide and I are going downtown for a couple pints to celebrate us fucking up Megatron's evil plan.  Now let's roll out."

 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Autobiography on CD, read by an Arnold Impersonator
... the awesomeness of this just goes without saying.  I bet my friend Dustin would do a great job of it too.

What do you want for Christmas?





Saturday, December 15, 2012

This Christmas, Give Her What She Really Wants...

... 38 minutes of Ryan.

(That's 23 minutes longer than her normally lasts!)


It'll cost you less than ten bucks to make her happy:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/untitled-album/id563104614

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

"Spider's Sin" - lyrics


...with the new video for "Spider's Sin" debuting this past weekend, I've been asked to share the lyrics.  Here you go:

Spider's Sin single cover artwork
(written by Ryan Fan Club & Intoxikatrix)

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Embraced inside your den
The black widow's gonna marry again
You gotta spread your wings
And fly

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Bare naked in the acid rain
Naked, of course, except for the stain
Better lose it before you use it
Yeah, you promised she could abuse it
Or re-use it

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Spider's Sin video
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Ain't no shower gonna clean it off
Give a little bit of turn your head and cough
Remember, when you're tossing out your tissues
Don't forget to thank daddy for your issues

Spider's sin
In the web
In the web
In the web of the spider's sin

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Aerosmith - Music From Another Dimension! (review)

Aerosmith are back with their first album of all-new material since 2001's Just Push Play.  There are many reasons as to what the hell took them forever to do this, but the long story short is that Aerosmith never really gets anything finished when they say they will.  Still, I've been looking forward to this album since the first single dropped last Spring.  So let's take a look at Music From Another Dimension!

Music From Another Dimension!... in my man-cave.
The Good: There's some really cool rock songs on this album.  In fact, MFAD seems to span the band's entire career.  You've got fist-pumping rockers like "Luv XXX" and "Legendary Child".  You've got the radio-friendly ballads like, "What Could Have Been Love" and "We All Fall Down".  There's the experimental, what-the-hell style on "Beautiful", and there's also the straight-forward "Oh Yeah" - a song that reminds me of their first album in many ways.
Speaking of the 1970s, if you're that person who always says, "Aerosmith sucks and hasn't done anything good since the 70s", then you'll like the blistering "Street Jesus".  Trust me.
For me, the standout track has been "Out Go The Lights", which used to be an outtake called "Guilty Kilt".  I've been listening to that outtake for about 15 years now and always wondered why it was never finished into a song.  Now that it is, Out Go The Lights really does capture the feel of the band.
Pretty much encapsulates the band's entire career, right?  Oh, what about a cross-genre collaboration like they did with Run DMC.  Yep, that's on here too - in the name of Carrie Underwood.  I've got no problem with Aerosmith doing a little country. They've always had a little touch of country in them here and there.  And since today's country music is really just classic rock, it makes too much sense.  When the song, "Can't Stop Lovin' You", hits radio it will no doubt be a sing-along hit that could result in Steven Tyler nailing as many twenty-somethings as he'd like.  Makes you wonder why every guy on the planet doesn't go country.
Music From Another Dimension really succeeds in its sound though.  The guys in Aerosmith are actually playing in the same room together this time.  They recorded this as a band.  And for the first time in twenty-five years or so, everyone on the roster has a writing credit somewhere.  When Tyler sings the ballads, you can feel the pain in the lyrics ("Another Last Goodbye" might just make you tear up a bit).  We haven't felt that from Tyler in a long time, as he seemed too focussed on making a hit before.

The Bad:  The album does run a little long and could've been cut down to ten songs, or separated as two albums.  There are five bonus songs kicking around on various deluxe editions, so we could have had two ten-track albums.  Music From Another Dimension really doesn't hit a drag until "Freedom Fighter", with vocals by Joe Fuckin' Perry.  This song about Invisible Children in Africa shows us why there aren't many politically charged anthems on Aerosmith records.  Even background vocals from Johnny Depp can't save this song.  Perry pretty much kills the record again with "Something" a mere two tracks later, which is a real shame because better lyrics and vocals by Tyler would've made that one a really cool old style rock song.  The guitars are nice n' dirty on it. There's usually a Perry-vocal song on the albums that gets skipped over so having two (3 if you count bonus tracks) is just overkill.
I mentioned the five bonus songs, and a couple of them could have easily replaced the Perry tunes to strenghten the album up.  But then again, as we've mentioned before, this album seems to represent the band's entire career, and Joe Perry did have two solo eras of his career, so maybe that's what they're trying to say here? 
I think the album title is a little silly, and might have been better if it was just called "Another Dimension".

The Verdict: If you're looking for the next "Rocks" or "Toys In The Attic", this isn't it.  And really, that's not possible to get anymore from Aerosmith.  The band grew up and changed tastes.  They aren't nearly as pissed off about everything as they were back in those days.  But Music From Another Dimension is definitely worth picking up.  If you've ever liked Aerosmith then there's something for you on this album.  You can hear their Beatles influence all over the place.  And shell out the extra three dollars for the deluxe edition.  You get those bonus songs, 2 of 3 are really good, and a DVD with live footage and interviews. 
Music From Another Dimension is Aerosmith's last album under contract with Sony.  So it might be their last album, for all we know. I don't see the band ever stopping, but with today's multi-distribution paths, I wouldn't be surprized if they started releasing online singles and EPs on their own terms.  At least that way we wouldn't have to wait eleven years for new Aerosmith music.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

"should've called"

... here's a new piece of writing called "Should've Called".  I might turn it into a song at some point, but I haven't decided yet.

"Should've Called"
(written by Ryan Matthew Ewing)

... so I guess this is really good-bye
And we all know it's hard sometimes
To walk away and try not to cry
Lookin' back on all the love
All those years
And see your reflection
In the tears in my eyes

And I should've called when I had the chance
I should have made more time for you and me
Left to a loss for words with an empty stare
And I really should have been there
I really should've called

So far I've been able to hide the pain
And it's harder each passing day to stay strong
Without your voice to ease the strain
Time passes away
Then it hits me that you've really left
And my only comfort is the rain

And I should've called when I had the chance
It's never too late until it's too late
Cause love shouldn't get tired and fade away
No, I can't ever get back that yesterday
I really should've called

And it only ever comes in a wave
All is fine n' dandy in the memories we've saved
It's all I've ever known
I'm forgetting it all, when I try to reach out
To learn I'm here alone

And I should've called when I had the chance
I should have just found a way to make more of a try
So I guess this is really good-bye...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

...music videos

...music videos.

Are these things even relevant anymore?  Videos were huge in the 80s when MTV launched, and they peaked in creativity in the early 90s with GnFnR's "November Rain".

But the music channels barely play music videos anymore.  And they haven't for a while.

So why am I recording a music video for my song, "Spider's Sin"?

I still like music videos.  So that must mean there are other people out there who do too.

- ryan

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Top 11 Duet Mashups I'd Do

It seems that so many songs these days have "feat. ___________" in the title.  It's kinda been the rage for the last ten or twelve years.  Basically, it's a way for record companies to get you to explore other artists so they can get you to start buying their music too.  I would've never checked out any songs by P!nk if it weren't for her duet, "Misery", with Steven Tyler.  Just goes to show how impressionable we all are.

I even have a guest vocalist on my new album.  Ashlynn York provides the narrative to my song "Seventeen".  It's pretty rad, and so is she.

So here are eleven song titles you might find in a Bizarro World somewhere, if these duets could ever be possible.

my song titles from the new album
11. Ryan Fan Club feat. Debbie Gibson
...our song would be: "Shake Your Dirty Blooze"

10. Ryan Fan Club feat. Celine Dion
...our song would be: "My Hot Mess Will Go On"

9. Ryan Fan Club feat. Nicki Minaj
...our song would be: "Her Empty Starships"

8. Ryan Fan Club feat. Madonna
whitney houston's zombie
...our song would be: "Ray Of Lightning Skies"

7. Ryan Fan Club feat. Gwen Stefani
...our song would be: "Spiderwebs' Sin"

6. Ryan Fan Club feat. Alicia Keys
...our song would be: "Fallin' Slow"

5. Ryan Fan Club feat. Whitney Houston's Zombie
...our song would be: "I Will Always Lizzy Shue"

4. Ryan Fan Club feat. Taylor Swift
i bop, you bop, everybody bops!
...our song would be: "Mean Meaning"

3. Ryan Fan Club feat. Carly Rae Jepson
...our song would be: "Bootleg Me Maybe"

2. Ryan Fan Club feat. Katy Perry
...our song would be: "Seventeenage Dream"

1. Ryan Fan Club feat. Cyndi Lauper
...our song would be: "Menage A She Bop"

And there you have it!  Eleven mash-ups you'll probably never see... and with good reason!

Don't forget to go to iTunes to buy my new album.  It's only $9.90, and you'll be supporting independent artistry.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Big In Japan!

... of course I'm big in Japan.

With today being the release day of "Untitled Album", I thought I'd do something a little different and spotlight the album in Japan:

Check it out at: http://www.amazon.co.jp/Untitled-Album-Explicit/dp/B009724IDW/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1347991725&sr=8-4

And if you don't live in Japan, you can get it at: iTunes or Amazon.com.

Thanks to everyone who has already purchased the new record online.  I really appreciate your support.  Let's make this one the best one yet!

- ryan

Friday, September 14, 2012

No NHL = No Friends

So the evil Bettman might just finally succeed at stealing the NHL season away from us good people of Hockeytropolis City.  Or something like that.

the bear is always right.
All I really know, is that I don't know what I'll do without an NHL season for 2012-13.
You see, I'm a huge Bruins fan. Ask my wife.  She'll tell you I have too many Bruins jerseys, and that they "all look the same".  Most of my friends are Canadiens fans.  So you can imagine the heated conversations that occur between us during the hockey season.  They usually result in lots of cursing at each other, calling each other names that refer to us having sexual relations to members of the same sex, and me reminding them that the Bruins won a Stanley Cup in 2011.

Then they say, "well the Habs have 25 bajillion Stanley Cups and the Bruins only have six..."

... Jesus, I hate those Habs.  Bunch of fucking Habs...

Anyway, I fear that without having hockey this fall my friends and I will have nothing to talk about.  I mean, what am I gonna do, brag about how I beat the Habs 19-2 in NHL13 for the Xbox? I can't really put a lot of stock in that.

On a side note, I have a couple friends who are Canucks fans.  That's just awful.  Don't get me wrong, I hate the Canadiens, but I can understand why someone would cheer for them.  I respect the team that's been in Montreal since the dawn of poutine... doesn't mean I have to like them.

my daughter in 2011 holding a bruins stanley cup
The Canucks..  they need to just fuck off and grow a pair.

So back to the lockout.  The last time there was a lockout, everyone started watching and playing poker on Saturdays to fill the ice gap.  I can't see myself going back to poker.  That was definitely a fad, and I ended up playing just as much Rummoli as I did poker anyway.  Maybe curling?

Nope.  Not doing that any time soon.

So basically, there needs to be a hockey season.  Without it, I'll have nothing to talk to my friends about and I'll get very lonely.  And if there's no hockey on TV, I might have to actually pay attention to what my wife is talking about.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

if it's an untitled album, what's it about?

... so I've been getting asked a lot about the new album.  Sure, you can check out "Menage A Moi" right now.  I've received lots of great feedback about it already. But what about the other songs?  Well, let me tell you...

Bootleg Me - it was the second song that was worked on... and it's pretty much about just wanting to go home... but you can't... and all the things that keep you going until you can get home...

Menage A Moi - ever had a super awesome girl in your life that just wasn't putting out, but kept hinting that she was going to?

untitled album, by ryan fan club
Dirty Blooze - this one is just a tribute, really, to all the great blues guitars and harps out there... it was meant to sound as typical as possible, and I'm a bit too satisfied with the final product...

Spider's Sin - the closest thing to metal on the album, it's definitely the hardest pumping in-your-face rock song I've ever done... and i shout "mother fucker" as loud as i can

Sinking Slow - the lyrics were written while my mother was in the intensive care unit battling cancer this past spring... so it's kinda special to me that way...

Lizzy Shue - from the point of view of Tom Cruise's character, Bryan Flannagan, in the movie "Cocktail"... that fleeting love... the one who you can't bear to let get away... if the shue fits, baby, then you got to wear it twice... been waiting six years to do this song proper justice...

Seventeen - featuring Ashlynn York on co-vocals... another episode of men are from mars and teenage girls are from venus... but gosh, they're just so pretty that it makes it okay to put up with their ridiculous stupid immature shit...

Her Empty Trust Fund - jazzy sounding jam... really out there... no lyrics, just scatting...

Hot Mess - dirty/funky/swaggering... it's a song your mom doesn't want you to hear... lyric: "you've got to let me lick clean your hot mess"... a song about what we all think of, but never talk about...

Lightning Skies - "out of time... forgotten good-byes... lightning skies... tears in your eyes... so this is how we're supposed to live... all i can give is all i can give..."

... so which new song are you most excited to hear?