Friday, July 6, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Where's the line?
One of the new songs I've recorded is called "Hot Mess". It's a funky-rock song all about... well... how can I put this delicately... cunningulus.
There I said it. Cunningulus. Just say it out loud and it'll be okay. Just make sure your mom isn't in the same room. Chances are, she knows that word and you don't.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the term, loosely translated it means "going down on a girl".
Are you blushing yet?
So here's the thing. There's a few ways to go about this kind of subject matter, right? There are lyrics like, "...I'll love you all through the night because I eat _______ oh so right..."
What's the first word that comes to your mind?
Would I insert the word "pussy" into that lyric? Or would I simply use "cherry pie" and let YOUR dirty mind illustrate what everyone else is already thinking?
Complicated, isn't it? So, where do we draw the line on good taste? And who is the judge of good taste? Your parents? MY parents? The government? The Church? Madonna? Or do we simply slap a Parental Advisory sticker all over everything. Those stickers pretty much paraphrase, "hey kid, this album has lots of swearing and sex and your mom doesn't want you to hear it."
Artists have been pushing the boundaries since the day those boundaries were established.
Now, I'm not the type to delve too far into the "vulgar" territory. At least not anymore... I think I'm all done with songs called "Fart In Your Mouth, Baby". I'd rather sing a wink with a smile and let you read between the lines. I mean, we all have those thoughts, but not broadcasting them bluntly is what makes them so inappropriate when we do. And it makes us all feel like a little bit of a bad-ass on the inside for having those thoughts.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
So enjoy this song when it comes out. Don't worry... it won't be much longer now.
- Ryan
There I said it. Cunningulus. Just say it out loud and it'll be okay. Just make sure your mom isn't in the same room. Chances are, she knows that word and you don't.For those of you who aren't familiar with the term, loosely translated it means "going down on a girl".
Are you blushing yet?
So here's the thing. There's a few ways to go about this kind of subject matter, right? There are lyrics like, "...I'll love you all through the night because I eat _______ oh so right..."
What's the first word that comes to your mind?
Would I insert the word "pussy" into that lyric? Or would I simply use "cherry pie" and let YOUR dirty mind illustrate what everyone else is already thinking?
Complicated, isn't it? So, where do we draw the line on good taste? And who is the judge of good taste? Your parents? MY parents? The government? The Church? Madonna? Or do we simply slap a Parental Advisory sticker all over everything. Those stickers pretty much paraphrase, "hey kid, this album has lots of swearing and sex and your mom doesn't want you to hear it."
Artists have been pushing the boundaries since the day those boundaries were established.
Now, I'm not the type to delve too far into the "vulgar" territory. At least not anymore... I think I'm all done with songs called "Fart In Your Mouth, Baby". I'd rather sing a wink with a smile and let you read between the lines. I mean, we all have those thoughts, but not broadcasting them bluntly is what makes them so inappropriate when we do. And it makes us all feel like a little bit of a bad-ass on the inside for having those thoughts.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
So enjoy this song when it comes out. Don't worry... it won't be much longer now.
- Ryan
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Superman Family Adventures
That right there might be the greatest first page I've seen in a comic book in a very, very long time.I've been saying for a few years now that DC Comics needs to make a Superman that's strictly for kids. It's no secret that The Man of Steel hasn't been popular or cool for a very long time. The only outlet that even almost made Kal-El relevant again was Smallville, but many die-hard fanboys found the show wasn't enough like the comics.
*sigh*
And yet, people just don't buy Superman comics anymore. It's like a catch 22.
"He wears his underwear on the outside of his pants"
"He's too powerful to be taken realistically"
"He's boring"
The problem with Superman comics isn't the character, but the medium itself. Sometime over the last 25 years or so, comics grew up with their audience. You couldn't have a successful funny book unless the main character faced problems that readers could relate to. But, six-year-old kids still think it's cool to see a guy in a cape throw a meteor into space. How could DC Comics ignore this target market for so long?
I've been asking for a Superman who breaks the fourth wall, winks at the readers, and hurls stuff into space. I've been wanting a Lois Lane who can break any story but can't seem to prove that Superman is really Clark Kent. I've been itching for some good ol' "Great Caesar's Ghost!".
In Issue #1, Superman has to stop some "mysterious" robots from attacking Metropolis. Turns out this is a big ploy for Lex Luthor to steal Superman's super-powers! GASP! What a simple, exciting, fun premise for a Superman story.
I'll be reading this one for a long time to come. Awwww yeah Krypto!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Sucking, blowing, riding down the big river...
I often get odd looks from people when I tell them I play harmonica. Even my good friends.
Then I have to almost go into defensive mode and explain that, yes, the harmonica is a real instrument.
At this point they're still usually giving me "that look" - you know the one, the look that says uh-huh, what a silly little instrument...
Then I pull a Hohner Big River Harp out of my left pocket (I always keep the key of A handy) and ask them to go ahead and play it. They always decline. Or they stop playing as quickly as they started.
I started playing harmonica in late 1996, mostly because I can't play guitar. Nope, I can't hit a single lick of guitar. I can't get my hand around the neck comfortably, so playing guitar was just out of the question. Every time I tried, I found myself wanting to strangle the goddam thing. In my mid teens I was really getting into Aerosmith. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of theirs, and to prove it just ask to see the picture of them in my wallet, and the middle of the 90s was when I was really getting into their music. And at that point there was already twenty years worth to discover.
Anyway, I was at this little used CD store that had some beat up records for fifty cents each, and I managed to snag a copy of the first Aerosmith LP - the one with the mis-spelled "Walkin' The Dig" on the back. There's a tune on that one called "One Way Street" that has some sweet harmonica parts all through it. After just one listen, I decided I would teach myself to play it.
My first harmonica was given to me by my friend Angie. It sounded weird. Turns out it was the type used in marching bands. Now that's totally rock n' roll. I ended up acquiring a Hohner Blues Harp that just so happened to be in the key of A and played that fucker until it eventually fell apart. It really did fall apart. At one point I kept it held together with an elastic band. I loved that harp so much. When I replaced it, the new one never sounded quite the same.
I taught myself how to play, but bought a book to reference how to cross-harp and play along with all those silly guitarists. I still have very fond memories of jamming with Steve and Rich in Polson Park field. We tried so hard to sound Stones-ish. It was totally bad.
On my new album, I'm playing a lot of harmonica. I'm getting better harp sounds than I've ever had before. Damn, it's great to be inspired. Listen for it on "Menage A Moi" and "Dirty Blooze". Your ears will have a hohner-gasm.
And that's that. Next time you see someone playing harmonica - and I mean really playing it, not some guitar player who has a harp around their neck with a brace... I loathe that - get to know them a little better. They're using their lips and tongue, and harp players are scientifically proven to be better lovers.
Peace.
Then I have to almost go into defensive mode and explain that, yes, the harmonica is a real instrument.
At this point they're still usually giving me "that look" - you know the one, the look that says uh-huh, what a silly little instrument...
Then I pull a Hohner Big River Harp out of my left pocket (I always keep the key of A handy) and ask them to go ahead and play it. They always decline. Or they stop playing as quickly as they started.
I started playing harmonica in late 1996, mostly because I can't play guitar. Nope, I can't hit a single lick of guitar. I can't get my hand around the neck comfortably, so playing guitar was just out of the question. Every time I tried, I found myself wanting to strangle the goddam thing. In my mid teens I was really getting into Aerosmith. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of theirs, and to prove it just ask to see the picture of them in my wallet, and the middle of the 90s was when I was really getting into their music. And at that point there was already twenty years worth to discover.
Anyway, I was at this little used CD store that had some beat up records for fifty cents each, and I managed to snag a copy of the first Aerosmith LP - the one with the mis-spelled "Walkin' The Dig" on the back. There's a tune on that one called "One Way Street" that has some sweet harmonica parts all through it. After just one listen, I decided I would teach myself to play it.
My first harmonica was given to me by my friend Angie. It sounded weird. Turns out it was the type used in marching bands. Now that's totally rock n' roll. I ended up acquiring a Hohner Blues Harp that just so happened to be in the key of A and played that fucker until it eventually fell apart. It really did fall apart. At one point I kept it held together with an elastic band. I loved that harp so much. When I replaced it, the new one never sounded quite the same.
I taught myself how to play, but bought a book to reference how to cross-harp and play along with all those silly guitarists. I still have very fond memories of jamming with Steve and Rich in Polson Park field. We tried so hard to sound Stones-ish. It was totally bad.
On my new album, I'm playing a lot of harmonica. I'm getting better harp sounds than I've ever had before. Damn, it's great to be inspired. Listen for it on "Menage A Moi" and "Dirty Blooze". Your ears will have a hohner-gasm.
And that's that. Next time you see someone playing harmonica - and I mean really playing it, not some guitar player who has a harp around their neck with a brace... I loathe that - get to know them a little better. They're using their lips and tongue, and harp players are scientifically proven to be better lovers.
Peace.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Top 11 New Album Titles I Won't Be Using
So I've been getting asked by many Ryan-Fans about this new CD I'm putting together. So far, so good.
No, that's not the title. This isn't a 1993 Bryan Adams Greatest Hits compilation.
The biggest question I've been getting asked is, "What's the name of the new album?" Well, the project doesn't have a name yet. There are a few I've been toying with, such as "Swag", "Hard", and "Toxika" (the latter named for my cat who died in 2001), but here's a list of eleven album titles I certainly won't be using.
Enjoy.
11. "The Alaskan Pipeline"
Look up what that means on Urban Dictionary, and you'll see why I even thought about using it as a title.
10. "Ryan Fan Club (feat. Englebert Humperdink) Presents Classic Re-Interpretations of Ritchie Valens Songs"
Now this one is a great title, but it's kind of on the long side. Any radio announcer talking about the album would waste half their day on just the title.
9. "No Room For The Sofa"
I originally planned on calling the "Friggidy Ding-Dong" album this, but ended up just using the phrase as a lyric in that song.
8. "Raditude"
I WAS going to use this title once upon a time too, but someone named Weezer beat me to it. God, I hate them.
7. "God, I Hate Weezer"
It's catchy and all, but you'd end up accidentally illegally downloading that stupid sweater song while searching for torrents of my album. I wouldn't want to subject you to that song.
6. "The Blonde Leading The Blonde"
... mmmmmmm.... dirty thoughts....
5. "Six"
At some point, most artists name an album based on how many albums they've made. Kravitz did it. STP did it. Zeppelin unofficially did it. I won't be doing it any time soon. At least not until "17".
4. "Offside"
This was almost the name of my "Very Best Of" collection from a couple years ago. I play a lot of street hockey, so it appealed to me. And the silly, rude songs were kind of "offside" too - if you catch my drift.
3. "Spaceballs The Concept Album - By Ryan Fan Club"
Yeah, I could turn that classic film into a Broadway musical. "...I need a million spacebucks and I'm feeling kinda blue-ish. I can get it from a Princess who doesn't look Druish..." and so on, and so on.
2. "Skeletora-tora-tora!"
If you say that one three times fast, you'll open up a magic portal to a far away land...
1. "The Pink Album"
It's just a little too obvious, given my love of the color and all things associated with it. With the connotations that go along with the color and it's relation to a woman's vagina, I might as well just call the album "Crosby" and have a big, hairy beaver crying next to a dam that's fallen apart.
And that's that!
No, that's not the title. This isn't a 1993 Bryan Adams Greatest Hits compilation.
The biggest question I've been getting asked is, "What's the name of the new album?" Well, the project doesn't have a name yet. There are a few I've been toying with, such as "Swag", "Hard", and "Toxika" (the latter named for my cat who died in 2001), but here's a list of eleven album titles I certainly won't be using.
Enjoy.
11. "The Alaskan Pipeline"
Look up what that means on Urban Dictionary, and you'll see why I even thought about using it as a title.
10. "Ryan Fan Club (feat. Englebert Humperdink) Presents Classic Re-Interpretations of Ritchie Valens Songs"
Now this one is a great title, but it's kind of on the long side. Any radio announcer talking about the album would waste half their day on just the title.9. "No Room For The Sofa"
I originally planned on calling the "Friggidy Ding-Dong" album this, but ended up just using the phrase as a lyric in that song.
8. "Raditude"
I WAS going to use this title once upon a time too, but someone named Weezer beat me to it. God, I hate them.
7. "God, I Hate Weezer"
It's catchy and all, but you'd end up accidentally illegally downloading that stupid sweater song while searching for torrents of my album. I wouldn't want to subject you to that song.6. "The Blonde Leading The Blonde"
... mmmmmmm.... dirty thoughts....
5. "Six"
At some point, most artists name an album based on how many albums they've made. Kravitz did it. STP did it. Zeppelin unofficially did it. I won't be doing it any time soon. At least not until "17".
4. "Offside"
This was almost the name of my "Very Best Of" collection from a couple years ago. I play a lot of street hockey, so it appealed to me. And the silly, rude songs were kind of "offside" too - if you catch my drift.
3. "Spaceballs The Concept Album - By Ryan Fan Club"Yeah, I could turn that classic film into a Broadway musical. "...I need a million spacebucks and I'm feeling kinda blue-ish. I can get it from a Princess who doesn't look Druish..." and so on, and so on.
2. "Skeletora-tora-tora!"
If you say that one three times fast, you'll open up a magic portal to a far away land...
1. "The Pink Album"
It's just a little too obvious, given my love of the color and all things associated with it. With the connotations that go along with the color and it's relation to a woman's vagina, I might as well just call the album "Crosby" and have a big, hairy beaver crying next to a dam that's fallen apart.
And that's that!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Creative Validation
Remember that part in Superman: The Movie where Jonathon Kent takes young Clark on that walk down the dirt driveway to give him a life lesson on outrunning trains in public?Well, he uses a phrase that has often stuck with me when I'm alone with only my own thoughts, "... a man gets a little older, and he starts thinking differently..."
That phrase has been coming up in my mind quite a bit lately.
As you already know, I'm putting together a new album of songs, and I've gotten older and I'm thinking differently. Maybe being a father does that to you, maybe it's a longing for something knew, or maybe I just don't want to be known as "the guy who sang that 'I Have A Penis' song". For what it's worth, I loved all that old music I made and still listen to most of it from time to time. Now, I've never felt the need to be taken seriously as an "artist" or a "songwriter" before. And seriously, people who refer to themselves as "singer/songwriters" just need a punch in the mouth. Labelling myself has never really been my thing, but if I had to, it would fall into some "entertainer" category.
Always good for a laugh, even if at my own expense.
Part of me thinks this new album, while still un-titled, is some sort of creative validation. Like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can write "real" songs about "real" ideas. Or am I trying to prove it to others? Some of my amazing Ryan-Fans may remember the first batch of tunes I ever released. Do "Raining In June" or "I Don't Know Why" ring a bell? Maybe not. After all, I got so self-consumed in friggidy-impotence-pizza-monkey-spanking-fat-chick type songs that I tucked all those old, "real" songs under the carpet. Part of me is writing this new album just to show my wife, who will never listen to it anyway, that "hey, see, I can do this if I want to".
I wonder if the guys in Metallica ever wanted to do an album of children's songs, but never did it because, fuck, they're Metallica. They HAVE to do Metallica-type songs.
So far, this new album of mine has about 4 complete songs and 6 more in the works. They aren't funny, but that doesn't mean they aren't fun. My guitarist, Shane, used the word "novelty" when describing my last couple of albums. It makes sense, but imagine the motions you go through when someone refers to your creativity as a novelty act. Whoa, deep breath, just cause you don't like hearing it doesn't mean it ain't right.New songs are called Menage A Moi, Bootleg Me, Dirty Blooze, Sinking Slow, Lightning Skies (Never Enough), Cocktails And Dreams, and ... well, I don't want to give too much away too soon. The sound? Imagine a Chili Peppers/Cult thing going on. Much different than the description of "imagine the Kids In The Hall had a baby with C&C Music Factory" that I used for the Friggidy CD.
I'm having more fun than ever making music, and I'm more inspired to create than ever before.
I guess what I'm getting at here, is if you're looking for creative validation the only place you'll really find it is within yourself. A million people can enjoy what you do, but if you're not diggin' it then what's the point?
The crazy part is, when I was younger, I didn't think all that much differently.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Menage A Moi
Wanna hear the brand new RFC song, "Menage A Moi"?
I bet you do! But you're gonna have to wait just a little longer, my pretty monkeys.
But for now, you can check out the lyrics to the tune...
MENAGE A MOI
She's still delicate
I'm her degenerate
She hurries up and makes me wait
She's so funky, yeah
I'm so her junkie yeah
She's the master and the bait
Chorus:
Menage a moi
All alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself and I
And we're thinkin' of you
Menage a moi
Baby, if you presume
Menage a moi
Take away my blues
Dammit, so denied
She makes me suicide
A little pleasure with the pain
She gimme temperature
She's my new venture
And when she smirks I go insane
Chorus
My mama told me that I'd meet a girl like you
But nobody ever said what you'd put me through
So I'll just close my eyes until the day you see
And I'll see your face
Again and again and again
She's still delicate
I'm just a pirate
She hurries up and makes me wait
Chorus
A little heavy petting never hurt anyone
Just put out what you're getting and never hurt anyone
Just some fun in the sun
And never hurt anyone, no no no
She always scream n' shout
So I took her sister out
She told me I could go and fuck myself
I bet you do! But you're gonna have to wait just a little longer, my pretty monkeys.
But for now, you can check out the lyrics to the tune...
MENAGE A MOI
She's still delicate
I'm her degenerate
She hurries up and makes me wait
She's so funky, yeah
I'm so her junkie yeah
She's the master and the bait
Chorus:
Menage a moi
All alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself and I
And we're thinkin' of you
Menage a moi
Baby, if you presume
Menage a moi
Take away my blues
Dammit, so denied
She makes me suicide
A little pleasure with the pain
She gimme temperature
She's my new venture
And when she smirks I go insane
Chorus
My mama told me that I'd meet a girl like you
But nobody ever said what you'd put me through
So I'll just close my eyes until the day you see
And I'll see your face
Again and again and again
She's still delicate
I'm just a pirate
She hurries up and makes me wait
Chorus
A little heavy petting never hurt anyone
Just put out what you're getting and never hurt anyone
Just some fun in the sun
And never hurt anyone, no no no
She always scream n' shout
So I took her sister out
She told me I could go and fuck myself
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
An update on new music...
I knew 2012 was going to be a great year.
For those who haven't pieced it together yet, I'm working on new songs.
They're sounding much different than anything I've done before. It's totally the opposite spectrum from Friggidy Ding-Dong. Yesterday I finished the vocals to a song called "Menage A Moi", which you can probably figure out from the title... there's some swaggering guitar in there and some catchy sounds that I'm referring to as "hooker-bass".
Seriously, it's so catchy you'll need penicillin.
This week's focus will be finishing that song and arranging the lyrics for a tune called "Bootleg Me".
Fuck, it's a great time to be me.
For those who haven't pieced it together yet, I'm working on new songs.
They're sounding much different than anything I've done before. It's totally the opposite spectrum from Friggidy Ding-Dong. Yesterday I finished the vocals to a song called "Menage A Moi", which you can probably figure out from the title... there's some swaggering guitar in there and some catchy sounds that I'm referring to as "hooker-bass".
Seriously, it's so catchy you'll need penicillin.
This week's focus will be finishing that song and arranging the lyrics for a tune called "Bootleg Me".
Fuck, it's a great time to be me.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Top 11 Star Wars Spoofs
May the farce be with you?
I ain't gonna waste a lot of time with introductions on this one. You know why you're here. So, here they come!
11. The Family Guy Trilogy
I'm not gonna say much about this one because it already gets a lot of publicity. I personally don't enjoy the Family Guy TV show, but their Star Wars specials are goddam funny. I do hope they make spoofs of the prequel trilogy too. There's a lot to work with there.
10. Troops
One of the earliest funny videos on the internet, Troops was a parody of both Star Wars and COPS at the same time. Fucking brilliant.
9. Thumb Wars
A re-imagining of A New Hope with thumbs for characters. It was pretty darn clever at the time, but then they did a dozen other thumb flicks that weren't so good.
8. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You've heard about this one... it really does exist... I have a copy... it killed my old DVD player... and it was made by Lucasfilm. I've included the Holiday Special on this list because George Lucas pretends like it doesn't exist, so it's almost like he allowed himself to be spoofed by himself.
7. Robot Chicken
Same style as Family Guy, but 4 times funnier.
6. Buzz Lightyear vs Zurg
Not the best moment of Toy Story 2 but probably one of the most memorable. It was so predictable, but nobody seemed to see it coming... *spoiler*... Zurg is Buzz's father!
5. Hot Shots Part Deux
Somewhere in the last fifteen minutes of this Charlie Sheen flick the President of the USA has an epic lightsaber battle with Sadam Hussein... and they even directly quote Vader and Kenobi.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The first couple Pirates flicks are just clear rip-offs of Star Wars. A princess needs saving... a shy pretty boy is up to the task... he falls in cahoots with a pirate that all the girls like... the pretty boy's dad is really alive and hangs out with the bad guys... the pirate's fate is in question at the end of the second movie... it's all there... just look for it.
3. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
I'm not going to give away too much about this one, or how much I actually paid attention to it, but the acting IS better than anything in Episode 1... and the special effects weren't bad either. And for the record, Han shoots first.
2. Spaceballs
Most consider it to be the ultimate Star Wars homage. And to this day it's still all kinds of hilarious. It was the first movie I ever taped off the movie network with my parent's VCR (kids, asks your parents what that was). Rick Moranis gives his second-best performance ever in this movie (first being Ghostbusters), and the laughs just don't stop.
1. Muppet Babies
Remember that episode of Muppet Babies where they do Star Wars? You should, because it was the greatest achievement in the history of western culture.
Goodnight!
I ain't gonna waste a lot of time with introductions on this one. You know why you're here. So, here they come!
 |
| Family Guy Trilogy |
I'm not gonna say much about this one because it already gets a lot of publicity. I personally don't enjoy the Family Guy TV show, but their Star Wars specials are goddam funny. I do hope they make spoofs of the prequel trilogy too. There's a lot to work with there.
10. Troops
One of the earliest funny videos on the internet, Troops was a parody of both Star Wars and COPS at the same time. Fucking brilliant.
9. Thumb Wars
A re-imagining of A New Hope with thumbs for characters. It was pretty darn clever at the time, but then they did a dozen other thumb flicks that weren't so good.
8. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You've heard about this one... it really does exist... I have a copy... it killed my old DVD player... and it was made by Lucasfilm. I've included the Holiday Special on this list because George Lucas pretends like it doesn't exist, so it's almost like he allowed himself to be spoofed by himself.
 |
| Star Wars XXX |
Same style as Family Guy, but 4 times funnier.
6. Buzz Lightyear vs Zurg
Not the best moment of Toy Story 2 but probably one of the most memorable. It was so predictable, but nobody seemed to see it coming... *spoiler*... Zurg is Buzz's father!
5. Hot Shots Part Deux
Somewhere in the last fifteen minutes of this Charlie Sheen flick the President of the USA has an epic lightsaber battle with Sadam Hussein... and they even directly quote Vader and Kenobi.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The first couple Pirates flicks are just clear rip-offs of Star Wars. A princess needs saving... a shy pretty boy is up to the task... he falls in cahoots with a pirate that all the girls like... the pretty boy's dad is really alive and hangs out with the bad guys... the pirate's fate is in question at the end of the second movie... it's all there... just look for it.
3. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
I'm not going to give away too much about this one, or how much I actually paid attention to it, but the acting IS better than anything in Episode 1... and the special effects weren't bad either. And for the record, Han shoots first.
 |
| Muppet Babies |
Most consider it to be the ultimate Star Wars homage. And to this day it's still all kinds of hilarious. It was the first movie I ever taped off the movie network with my parent's VCR (kids, asks your parents what that was). Rick Moranis gives his second-best performance ever in this movie (first being Ghostbusters), and the laughs just don't stop.
1. Muppet Babies
Remember that episode of Muppet Babies where they do Star Wars? You should, because it was the greatest achievement in the history of western culture.
Goodnight!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
RRFC (Retro Ryan Fan Club) #8 - Summertime '99 begins!
 |
| RFC Newsletter #11 August 1999 |
Either way, it was a great time to be a Ryan Fan Club Member because I was about to start doing Newsletters every other week.
That's right. High school was just finishing up and the RFC Members wanted to know what was going to happen to me after secondary school had finished up. Would I be going to college? University? On tour as the opening act for Jesse & The Rippers?
I had absolutely no plans of going to college. I'd seen too many people waste their money with a large debt to repay.
*Too many = my four or five friends who took radio broadcasting courses in college.
Doing the RFC Newsletters every other week was my way of letting the fans know I'd always be around. I wasn't about to leave them Ryan-less just because it was summertime. Fans were delighted to find the Newsletters arriving in their mailboxes. This was really one of my first lessons in finance. The newsletters themselves were relatively cheap to produce. After all, it was a one-sheet 8.5x14 piece of paper (for now anyway). The shipping is what dug a whole in my pockets. Believe it or not, I sent so many newsletters through the mail in the summer of 1999 that Canada Post actually sent me a Christmas card that year addressed to "Ryan Fan Club". When one of the newsletters had a wrong address on it and it was returned, the postman knocked on my door and asked, "Is there a... uh... Ryan Fan Club... living here?"
 |
| Newsletter #12, Summer 1999 |
It was then that I realized I needed to go online.
The Ryan Fan Club needed a website.
But that's getting a little ahead of ourselves. I know, I know, what's wrong with a little head... but we gotta keep this journey in order. Or at least some kind of an order that makes sense.
In Newsletter #12 I finally announced what many had been asking - or dreaming - for: I had started writing my autobiography.
Keep in mind that in the summer of '99 I still didn't own a computer. All of my communication was done on the phone. All of my porno was in magazines. And everything I did for the Fan Club was by hand, with an ink pen, on paper. So I wrote the autobiography by hand, and enlisted the help of Crofton and Peter Fairley to get it typed up and edited for me. Those guys are great. The book, if you can call it that, was about sixteen pages long and was a nice little glimpse into my personal life. I was never too convinced that people would buy it, but they fucking did - it's been re-drafted twice more since, and the last time was in 2004. But back in 1999 it was a test to see if the Fan Club members would be interested in just about anything with my name on it.
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| R. Horny: An Autoryography |
I was often asked if the title was a play on "Oh Henry", but I was actually paying homage to "M. Hohner" who made those wonderful harmonicas I always carried around in my pockets.
It's hard to believe I ever found the time to write my life story, even if it was just a short version. I was working full-time that summer, and doing my best to meet as many new girls as possible. There were a few that had been catching my eye, and one who just kept coming around. But that's a story for another year... most of 2000 actually.
And we're still in the good times of 1999. See you soon.
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