Santa's Little Helper (review)

You know when wrestlers make movies that they're going to be amazing.  Remember No Holds Barred?  They Live?  Suburban Commando?  Anything starring Kane or John Cena?

Clearly the sarcasm meter is going off at a rampant pace here, even though I do hold a special place in my heart for Santa With Muscles.  Seriously, I watch it every year.

So what would make me want to watch a Christmas movie produced by the WWE?  Paige - the two time Diva's champion, that's who.  I haven't kept a secret about my secret crush on Paige (don't worry, my wife is well aware of it).  I even bought the Paige action figure.  I swear, it just sits on my desk.  I don't do anything odd with it.  Realistically, the only reason I even bought the DVD of Santa's Little Helper was because Paige is in it.  This little romp is about The Miz trying to get a job as Santa's right-hand man.  I know, it sounds like the Emperor and Darth Vader on the surface, but it's not.  The Miz is put through a series of trials by an elf with round ears to see if he's the one for Santa.  Eventually, Eleanor (Paige's naughty elf character) catches wind of this and challenges him for the job.  I don't want to spoil the ending here, but since you probably aren't going to watch this flick anyway, neither Paige or The Miz get the job.  There.  Your Christmas is now ruined.

She's such a naughty elf!

The Good - uh... well, I certainly enjoyed all of Paige's screen time.  I wasn't aware that I could get a boner while watching a PG movie, but, hey we're almost living in the year 2016.  Also, it seems like one of the movie's locales was the same one used in Ernest Saves Christmas, which made me pretty happy and nostalgic.  Ernest Saves Christmas is a wonderful little adventure that makes me miss Jim Varney every year.  That timeless rendition he does of "O Christmas Tree", and the spot-on performance of Santa Claus truly makes Ernest Saves Christmas a holiday classic.  Yes, I realize I've spent my allotted space on the film Ernest Saves Christmas, and not Santa's Little Helper.  Fully aware.

The Bad -Do you want to start with the acting or the music or the effects?  How about the story?  Or the films action sequence?  How about the fact that I dropped twenty bucks on this DVD then saw it for only $13.99 somewhere else the next day? 

The Verdict - Let's not kid ourselves here, I knew this movie was going to suck when I bought it.  And yet, when The Lovely Wife wondered why I was buying it, I tried to justify the purchase by suggesting, "it might just surprize us."  Also, I sat through the whole thing, which might seem pretty amazing, but I'm also the guy who made it through the Star Wars Holiday Special eight times, and Santa With Muscles every year since 2003.  I know all of Blake's rules by heart.  So I can't shit on Santa's Little Helper too much.  I mean, I did drop the twenty bucks on it on purpose.  And the scene where The Miz gets his face buried in Paige's naughty-elf-area for, like, five minutes was effing awesome.

- Ryan

Fruitcake: Ryan's Guide

Fruitcake!
That's right, everyone's (*ahem*) favorite holiday tradition is back with a vengeance. The holiday fruitcake is one of those gifts you give someone when you don't know what to give. Oh, I'll just get them a fruitcake, you've probably said on several occasions over the last few years. Really though, what do you give to your cousin who only visits to drink your beer?  

You give them a goddam fruitcake.

Part One - The Origin of Fruitcake
The first fruitcake wasn't invented so much as it was discovered. It was a warm winter day in West Palm Beach back in 1912, when Wilbur MacDonaldsonisoningsly was being evicted from his bungalow. As his landlord walked away from the house, Wilbur didn't want to look like a fool in front of his wife and kids, so he did what he thought was right in his head. He pulled a loose brick from the house's foundation and hurled it with all his might at his landlord's head. One direct hit later and Wilbur was on top of his landlord, cradling the man and screaming at him. To try and be ironic, Wilbur then forced the brick down his landlord's throat, choking him to death. The brick itself had become spotted with the landlord's blood, giving it a two-color appeal.
And thus, the fruitcake was born.
Now, people of all class levels bake cakes until they are completely in-edible and decorate them with hideous pieces of red fruit to give to people they'd just as soon forget, but know they need to please anyway. In many ways Wilbur was an inventor, a martyr, and even a poet.

Who actually enjoys making this for people?

Part Two - Famous Fruitcakes
You'd think that the rich and famous, with all their money and glamorous power, wouldn't bother giving away fruitcakes. Well, you'd think wrong. Movie stars like Will Smith have probably lost touch with the lesser known characters from The Fresh Prince. Geoffrey, the butler on the show, probably receives a fruitcake from Mr. Smith every Christmas. Well, he probably gets it a few days after Christmas, because let's face it the guy who played Geoffrey never even got his name in the opening credits.
I'd imagine hip-hop superstars give fruitcake with gold and diamonds on them to replace the actual fruit. This seems to have a certain "je ne sais quois" to it and would defeat the entire purpose of the fruitcake.
Cartoon characters most definitely give fruitcakes as gifts, but they blow up.

Part Three - Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake
A little off topic? Perhaps. But I think it's important to note that in late 80's/early 90's WWF Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake went from being a bad-guy to a good-guy. When he did that, then-commentator turned now-governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura started calling him Brutus "The Barber" Fruitcake. This is because Ventura always cheered for the bad guys and booed the good guys. The lesson here is that if you don't act bad every once in a while, people will go so far as to change your name to either the most-hated holiday gift, or a homosexual rendition of said name.
Was Ventura right to do so? Only you can be the judge. After all, "The Body" is now a governor... while Brutus The Barber is over-weight and out-of-work.

Part Four - Other Uses
Fruitcake doesn't have to be eaten. Most people don't even bother. Do you have a table that wobbles? Put the fruitcake under the leg. Do you have a mess of papers on your desk that blow away when you open a window? Set the fruitcake on top of them. Does your car roll back when you put it in park? Set the fruitcake behind your back wheels. The possibilities are pretty much endless here people. Did your husband go away on business and leave you feeling unsatisfied? No problem! That fruitcake can easily be your greatest love affair and, unless you film it and put it on the internet, only you and the cake would know. After all, fruitcakes are great listeners. They aren't selfish, and you won't outlive them either.

Part Five - Why Nobody Likes It
If you ask people why they don't like fruitcake, they'll usually tell you the same answer: Because it's fruitcake, goddamit!
Now, depending on where you live and who you talk to, the use of profanity may different. Some may respond with a classic Motherfucker at the end, while others insist on keeping it clean with a good ol' fashioned Gol' Darnit.
This leads us to believe that we as a society don't truly understand why we hate fruitcake. The hatred for this holiday tradition has been passed down from generation to generation much like Star Trek geeks are inclined to name their first born sons "Spock" (you don't know how fucking stupid that is). So let's all give fruitcake a chance this year. Let's put fruitcake on our Christmas Lists to Santa Claus. Let's go to parties and say things like "Gee, you know what would go great with this glass of wine? A nice slice of fruitcake, just like mama used to make!". And then, after we've all settled down in this porcelain doll utopia we can reflect upon how pathetic we are for being the only pussies on the planet who wanted to eat fruitcake.
Fruitcake is shit. Don't give it to people unless you want to be kicked in the balls (or Vag as it may be).
So if I ever give you a fruitcake, you probably shouldn't eat it. Chances are I went pee-pee in it.
Goodnight!     

Mrs. Claus Is A Total Babe

Just wait 'til she lets her hair down.

You know it's true.

When Kris Kringle started bringing toys to the dim village of Somberville, he wasn't just out to squash the plans of the evil  Burgermeister Meisterberger. No, no, au contraire mon ami, he was also looking for some lovin'.

Kringle was obviously a man of good taste, because he started putting the moves on Miss Jessica rather quickly. At first she wasn't sure of the man in the red suit giving toys away to all the good girls and boys. I imagine there's a deleted scene out there somewhere of Miss Jessica down at the police station checking up on Ol' Kringle to see if he has any kind of weird criminal record. And then when she finds out that the dude is completely clean, well, it's love. Aww, ain't that sweet.  Kind of like real life these days, eh?  You meet someone one some random hook-up site, then check to see if they have a criminal record or not.  Nobody has time these days to wait until the third year of marriage to see if their baby-daddy is an Alkie or not.

So what do you suppose it was that attracted Kris to Jessica in the first place? What made him want to say, "Hey baby, wanna be Mrs. Claus?"

The babe's got big innocent eyes, and I'm sure Kringle digs that. After all, he likes people who are true and kind, and he did come from that kind of background himself. Then there's Jessica's hips. Every man loves a woman with nice hips. And let's not forget the fact that she's a stop-go-animation puppet. So she could be put in any position Santa desires.  Some nights Santa wants to be on top and make sweet love.  Some nights, he wants to put Mrs. Claus on the naughty list.  Don't act so surprised. 

So, uh, anyway, here's to Miss Jessica (eventually Mrs. Claus), the one true babe of Christmas! 

no funny comment here.  just thinking how great of a life jolly ol' saint nick must have.