Justice League: Throne of Atlantis

Aquasideburns

Wow, someone finally managed to make Aquaman kinda cool.

In the newest direct-to-Blu-ray DC Comics feature, Justice League: Throne of Atlantis, the Super Friends have to do battle with a bunch of mer-people while making friends with the king of the seas.  A dude who can talk to fish.  And actually has killer sideburns.

Normally I try and grab these DC Animated movies on release day, but I just didn't have that desire for Throne of Atlantis.  And not just because it's Aquaman and, according to Raj on Big Bang Theory, "Aquaman sucks."  I wasn't too thrilled with Justice League: WAR, and I'm still kinda hung up on the Justice League Unlimited series ending all those years ago.  Otherwise, most of the DC Animated features have been very enjoyable, with 2009's Wonder Woman still topping my list.

So I was out shopping last night for baby stuff, and saw both Throne of Atlantis and a Blu-Ray of E.T. The Extra Terrestrial and said, fuck it I'll buy them both.

Throne of Atlantis was pretty good, with the spotlight definitely being on Aquaman.  I was hoping for more of a presence from Superman since he's my all-time favorite but that wasn't really there.  I did quite enjoy his little date with Wonder Woman though, but this definitely wasn't a movie about Kal-El.  To be honest, we've got enough of those as it is.  As you may remember from my JLA Crisis In Time review, I actually quite like seeing the secondary DC characters shine.

The animation in Throne was the usual quality from Warner Bros, and the voice acting was also what you'd expect.  I was really excited to see that an old Filmation Aquaman episode was included as one of the bonus features.  That really made my morning.  There were a couple bonus Aqua-themed episodes from Brave & The Bold too, which is awesome to have, even if I already have them on other DVD sets.

Shazaman, Green Lanternman, Wonder Womanman, Aquaman, Superguy, Batsuitman, Flashman, Not-Martian Manhunter

What fell short for me was the actual Throne story.  You get that typical super-hero fare where someone finds out they have a destiny to live up to, and by the end of the 74 minutes they're really to go do battle with every baddie they can imagine.  At no point was there really any examining what Aquaman felt when he learned that he was going to rule Atlantis.  Just all of a sudden he's like, allright...I'm king now... of a place I've never been before... shit yeah.

But, I guess we're all okay with suspending disbelief for people who can fly and become half robotic or breathe under water in the first place.

Check this little movie out, the action in it is pretty rad.  Oh, and Aquaman's sideburns really are pretty rad.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Top 11 80's Action Heroes

Everyone loves a good action flick.  And the best action movies came straight outta the 80s.  If you disagree then you're wrong.  So I've compiled a list of the best 80's Action Heroes.

But wait, there's certain criteria and rules to follow here.
Rule A: The character must be from an 80's movie.
Rule B: The character must ONLY be in an 80's movie, thus eliminating the possibility of such favorites as Indiana Jones, The Terminator, Rocky, Rambo, Batman, Martin Riggs, and Superman.  You see, they all had sequels in the 90s or the series started in the 70s.

11. Lt. Marion Cobretti (Cobra)
10. Dean Youngblood (Youngblood)
9. Bruce (They Call Me Bruce?)
8. Rip (No Holds Barred)
7. Daniel Larusso (The Karate Kid I-III)
6. Stargrove (Never Too Young To Die)
5. Jack (Legend)
4. Dalton (Road House)
3. Mad Martigan (Willow)
2. John Matrix (Commando)
1. Action Jackson (Action Jackson)

So I hope you've enjoyed this quick Top 11.  I'll consider doing a 90's version, but those 90's action flicks just don't have the same pizazz as the eighties ones.
- ryan of the ryan fan club.

My Letter To Skeletor

Dear Skeletor,

I'm writing back to you in regards to your request to borrow five bucks from me.

I don't get it, dude.  You're one of the evil Masters of the Universe.  What do you need five bucks from me for?  Is this some kind of Eternian Pyramid scheme?  These things never work out well for anyone.  You should really consider putting your money to better uses.

Wait, if you're compiling funds for another attack on Castle Grayskull then just stop now.  You have yet to come up with a great follow up to the Diamond Ray of Disappearance.  Skeletor, I'm telling you as a friend here... the Diamond Ray was the best shot you ever had at capturing Grayskull.  And it was your first attempt.  Maybe you should think about conquering another castle.  At least for now.

If you really need money, you could always consider getting a part-time job.  But heads up, don't apply to work at Target.  They're closing all their stores here in Canada, so I can only assume it's a matter of time before they start chopping jobs in the States too.  Then, it won't be long and the Target store on Eternia will be gone.  For some reason, I think I heard somewhere that the Target in the Fright Zone will be safe.  But that's a long daily commute for you to do just to work those four-hour shifts.

Did you think about asking Hordak for the money?  I know it's a long-shot, but hey, you never know.

And I know what you're thinking, it's only five bucks.  But I gotta tell you, since having this second baby we're trying not to excessively spend.  So that means my days of funding evil super-villains on the side is on hiatus.  Whatever you do, don't drop my name around Cobra Commander.  He didn't take it so well when he asked me for bus fare and I said no. 

So, again, I'm really sorry I can't help you out this time.  But keep me in mind if you plan on invading Trolla in about three years time.  I might be able to help then.

Your friend,
Ryan of the Ryan Fan Club

PS - if you need money to buy some face cream, I have a few open containers around here that were too sensitive for my skin. I'm not saying this to make you jealous.  You can have them if you want 'em.

Time For A Bum Change

....something smells funny

"He needs his bum changed."

What the fuck does that even mean?  I know, obviously, my lovely wife is referring to how my child has soiled his diaper with a big, stinky, yellow-ish kinda poo and it's my turn to put a new clean diaper on him.  On average, I get every ninth or tenth poo-diaper.  The odds are usually in my favor.

Not bad.

Not something I'd take to Vegas though either.

We're not the only parents who refer to this as, "Changing their bum."  Somewhere along the way we've all stopped referring to diapers as diapers.  Well, except for when we're shelling out too much money for some combination of paper and cotton that will inevitably be shit in and tossed away.

Diapers and toilet paper.  It's amazing how much money we spend on those things considering what we do with them.  We're quite the culture.  We take very special care of our bum holes.

So... what if we could actually change a baby's bum?

Instead of putting on a new Pampers diaper - and let's not kid ourselves here, I'm a Pampers dad.  It's the only brand of diapers I buy.  Fuck Huggies.  They fucking leak everywhere.  So instead of putting on a new Pampers diaper, imagine you could just remove the child's rear end and put a new one on it in it's place.  We can't be that far away from that reality.  I have to believe in my heart that the Diaper Genie company is working on a Baby Bum Attachment.  Kind of like a poo catcher.  And at the end of the day you'd just take it off and replace it with a new one at bedtime.

Let's be realistic here.  That thing doesn't exist yet.  But let's be more realistic.  When it does exist it'll come with a spot to insert a Glade scented plug-in and a dock to charge your cellphone too.  Then you can listen to your favorite music coming out of your baby's bum like speakers.  And who knows, the little pride n' joy might just shake his booty to the beat.

"Looks like I'm getting a text from my little boy.  Nope.  He just shit himself again."

Stop laughing.  That's terrible. 

A sophisticated little man is allowed to make doo-doo in his pants so long as he's cute about it.

"He needs his bum changed."  Why?  What's wrong with it?  Is it not doing what it's supposed to?  Well, I suppose sometimes it's not.  Have you ever said, "this baby needs a bum change", and then the kid only peed in the diaper?  Well, why would that baby need it's bum changed?  Kids don't pee out of their bums.

"He needs his wiener changed."

Nobody is about to start saying that.  And if you're the one who does start that trend then you should go and get it put on a t-shirt.  The saying.  Not the actual wiener change.  Or both.  Whatever. That's gross.  You're gross.  Stop being so gross, grossy-pants.

If you could actually change your baby's bum, what would you change it to?

"Ayyy, don't call me no bum!"

Would you get the Wal-Mart variety of bums that are cheap or would you feel the need to get an expensive bum endorsed by a celebrity?  "Hi, I'm Angelina Jolie and when I have to change my babies' bums the brand I rely on is Ford.  They make baby bums that are built to last." 

Or instead of celebrities endorsing new baby bums, maybe there would be celebrity molded bums. 

"Are you in the market for a baby bum change?  Are you looking for something a bit more stylish for your baby than the bum they were born with?  Let everyone in town know your baby is the fanciest with the new Jennifer Lopez Baby Bum!  That's right, now your baby can have the same mold of bum that J-Lo had when she was a baby!  Impress your friends!  Raise your child to be neurotic!"

What the fuck.

Oh, I know!  Maybe my lovely wife has been referring to a "Bum Change" as getting a homeless man to change our kid's diaper.  Gosh, that could sure save a lot of time in a day.  And think of the different immunities the kid would develop in the process.

Also, have you heard of these things called "Pee-pee Tee-Pee"?  Apparently, you put it over a baby boy's wiener so you don't get peed on while changing their diaper.  I'm not really buying into it though.  My reflexes are alright. 

Besides, I peed on my dad when I was a baby and we all turned out just fine.  But he rarely ever had to change my diaper.  And as far as I now I still have my original bum.  For now.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

The New Kid On The Block

Grayson Ryan Ewing

No, no, no, I'm not talking about Donnie or Joey.  There's a new addition to the Fan Club family. And he's got the right stuff, baby.

On December 17, 2014, Grayson Ryan Ewing was born.  He weighed nearly ten pounds, and gave new meaning to the old expression, "gonna tear you a new asshole."  I'm sure my lovely wife is just elated that I wrote that part, but I'm about eighty-five percent certain she doesn't read my blog anyway.  I suppose I could just use the backspace key and erase it but I'm afraid I've already lost track of where the off comment is. 

So anyway, he brought new meaning to the old expression, "gonna tear you a new asshole."

Ladies, I know you're all cringing from the idea of pushing a ten-pounder out of you so I'll save you the explicit details.

Who am I kidding, if you don't hear all about the blood, guts, random colored liquids, and lack of oxygen then it'll never make sense how I nearly passed out in the delivery room.

That's right, I darn near dropped to the floor like a ten pound bag of potatoes.  I'm using the potato analogy because I'm Irish.  If I were, say, Russian then I would've dropped like a ten liter bottle of vodka.  The same amount of vodka that is equally divided amongst all new fathers in Russia whom are about to spontaneously drop at the sight of their newborn son.

And that's what happened. I turned light-headed and dizzy, and they made me lay down before I fell down and hurt myself.  Pansy ass pansy. 

The big sister and the little brother.

I guess I was feeling this incredible amount of over-joy at the sight of my little boy.  The doc said it was because I wasn't getting enough oxygen after helping my lovely wife with all that pushing.  But what does he know?  He's only a doctor.  Come to think of it, I'm not too sure about his credentials.  Sure, he delivered our new baby boy just fine, but he didn't even have a Flux Capacitor with him.  How good of a doctor could he really be without one?

So anyway, there I am laying on the floor while the nurses got on the intercom and immediately began calling, "We need some juice in here for the dad.  Stat!"

That's when I looked up at my lovely wife and she was looking back at me with a face that could only read, "Seriously?"  It seems as though my little near-accident had taken away all the attention and thunder from the woman who had just given birth.

Guys, there's some advice for you - in the delivery room, it's all about your wife.  Even if you think marriage is a 50/50 deal. 

But back to the nurses for a sec... since my lovely wife had to have her water broken manually, and the entire baby delivery took about three hours from the time of inducement, and the nurses each needed a break during that time, we had four or five different nurses come in and out.

I'd like to point out that during those three hours I was witness to four or five different nurses inserting their fingers right up into my wife to check up on her.  That's as close to the fantasy as I think I'll ever get.  I think I may have enjoyed it more than my lovely wife did, but I haven't asked her to be sure.  Sometimes I'm just happy to know that I'm happy.

Aren't nurses great?  I mean, even though they don't dress in those skimpy white costumes you see in porno movies, they're just all around great.  I'd like to think that any time I've been to a hospital over the last few years the nurses have been more involved than the doctors.  And ninety percent of the time they're much easier on the eyes.

And then there's the whole part of them going knuckles deep on my wife.  I'm glad in Canada we have free health care, otherwise I'd be blowing my whole paycheck on nurses.

they lost to the Leafs when this was taken.

But back to what you came here for - the new baby boy!  When Grayson was taken to his first family doctor's appointment (and I'm not about to rant about how attractive our family doctor is for being a woman in her 50s) we found out he's in the 95 percentile.  When he first came out at almost ten pounds we thought he was a big one, but we didn't realize just how big he was.  Being in the 95 percentile means that only 5% of babies are bigger than him at his age.

JESUS CHRIST!

I am happy to say that little Grayson is doing just fine too.  He eats.  He poops.  He's already trying to sit up on his own at two weeks old.  And probably most importantly he throws his fist in the air with pride when we chant, "LET'S GO BRUINS!"

When our daughter, Ryleigh, was born in 2011 the Bruins went on to win the Cup that year.  Here's hoping Grayson can have the same affect on the team this year 'cause they kinda suck balls right now.  But that's a blog for a whole other day.

Grayson is set to take over for me and become Grayson Ryan Fan Club when he's old enough and the idea of me trying to get young girls to join my Fan Club is just too creepy for everyone involved.  I guess this is what it means when Brando says, "The son becomes the father and the father, the son," in Superman: The Movie.

- ryan of the ryan fan club