Santa Was A Jerk To Rudolph

What an arse.

I just recently re-watched the Rankin-Bass classic Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, as I always tend to do this time of year. One thing that really stuck out was just how much Hermey the Dentist looks like Conan O'Brien. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about the rude jerk-hole treatment Rudolph took from one Mr. Santa Claus.

When Rudolph was born with that glowing red schnoz, even his own daddy didn't like it. Well, it's common for parents to find faults in their children.Just look at your own kids. You'll find all kinds of faults in their perfect little faces.  This one time, I was watching a Bruins vs Leafs game with Ryleigh and she said, "Daddy, I just want the blue team to win."  See, nobody's perfect.

But in Rudolph's case, even Santa took pot shots at the lil' baby reindeer right after he was born. If that wasn't enough, Santa went on to tell Donner that he should "be ashamed of himself". Wow... Santa can be pretty harsh. Must be all the pre-Christmas stress.

But when Santa needs Rudolph's help, his attitude changes completely. Santa never went out in the cold looking for Rudolph. He didn't square off against The Snow Monster. Nope. No sir. Ah, but that beautiful glowing red nose can see through a snowstorm... way to go Santa. He doesn't want Rudolph as a friend. He just wants another minion. I'm 92% sure that Santa only stopped by the Island of Misfit toys because he was short on his production quota, no thanks to a certain Conan O'Brien look-a-like leaving to be a dentist.

So the next time you watch this holiday classic, keep an eye out for Santa. He might be out to use you next.

Oh, and if you're a big nerd like me, pay attention to Hermey and you'll realize he has the same voice as Peter Parker/Spider-Man from the 1960s cartoon!

- ryan of the ryan fan club 

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)

...I started coming up with this random song the other day for a complete stranger.  She turned out to be a representative working for Mental Health, and besides finding me fascinating she thought I also had a killer smile.  Killer, in that handsome way.  Not in such a way that I was going to kill her.  That would have been awkward.

So I decided to actually write a full set of lyrics.  Imagine a folk song playing along.  Check it out.

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Chorus:

*artist's rendering

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

Oh, once upon a time in the far north pole
Amongst the reindeer and jolly Ol' Saint Nick
Was an elf who always checked his death wish list twice
The smiling, laughing, full of cheer Patrick
Until the day when his Christmas spirit dwindled
And he drank too much Egg Nog before his sleigh ride
Then he picked a knife fight with three wise men
And so began his advent calendar of suicide

Chorus

Well, Patrick always had bad Mondays
But then came the Tuesday he went loco
All the other toy makers were quite shocked to find
That he poisoned his own cup of hot cocoa
So what made his Blue Christmas turn red?
And why'd he try to blow up his gingerbread home?
If being a toy making elf didn't work out
Perhaps he could get work as a garden gnome

*artist's rendering

Chorus

Well, Patrick had the eyes for Santa's daughter
Her name was Jingle Belle and she was so pretty
But Patrick's heart froze when he saw his friend
Laying Jingle Belle under the Christmas tree

Chorus

For a while he was fixated on asphyxiation
He's also tried bazookas and the kitchen knife
Of all the times he's tried with no success
Is he really that poor at taking his own life?

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Ohhhhhhhhh, he even tried suffocation with a stocking
He let himself be crushed with the shop's toy shelf
But that pointy eared bastard's still alive and well
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Yes, Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Oh Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

And he still ain't dead.

My Christmas Wish List 2014

We're friends Santa... for now.

As those kids in the Peanuts gang say, Christmas Time Is Here!

And that means another round of items on Christmas Wish List!  Over the years I've asked for a few things from Santa Claus that weren't available in any department store.  I asked for a Stanley Cup in Boston at Christmas 2010, and they Bruins won one in 2011.  I've also asked for things to come out on DVD, and Santa made that happen for me.

I've also asked, repeatedly, for an Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been asking for that doll on the top of my list for about ten years now, with no avail.  So I've decided this year not to ask for it.  That's right, I'm giving up on the one Christmas present that would fill me with yuletide cheer.  I guess it's just time to move on.

So here's my special list for Christmas 2014:

Born To Ride

John Stamos Is Born To Ride on Blu-Ray
If I can't get an elusive Uncle Jesse doll from Santa then I want the next best thing.  It's the greatest movie of all-time that has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray.  And I kinda accidentally taped over my VHS copy of it while trying to convert it to digital.  So there you go Santa, to get my Stamos fix this holiday, how about Born To Ride on Blu-Ray?  If you've never seen this classic film, it's almost like imagining Uncle Jesse has traveled back into the past to find love in the war-time.  Yep, I can't make that one up Santa.
And while you're at it, how about hooking us up with a Blu-Ray of Never Too Young To Die?

A Night Of Manly Drinking With My Not-Yet-Best-Friend Nick Miller

Nick Friggin' Miller

I have recently become hooked on that show, New Girl, and let me tell you something: Nick Miller might just be the greatest man in the world.  I'd seriously like to hang out with this guy and get drunk with him while watching football.  And I don't even like football all that much.  I would call it a man-crush or anything like that.  It's more like Nick Miller is the dude I'd like to see myself becoming.  And the best way to do that is over a few manly drinks.  Santa, make it happen.

Johnny Boychuk Back In Boston
I think my favorite team made a huge mistake when they traded one of their most reliable defensemen  away this year.  Boychuk throws the body, scores goals, and uplifts the team's morale.  Since he's been gone, my Bruins just haven't had much of an identity.  And hey, if you glance closely at him, sometimes he looks a little like Bobby Orr.  Come on Bruins, BRING BACK BOYCHUK!  Santa, you need to get involved in this.

We miss you, good sir.  Sincerely, the fans.

A Sweet Kiss From Miss Taylor Swift.

Mmmmmmm

...and by "kiss" I actually mean rough, dirty, sweaty, nasty, morally unsure, ass-to-mouth, consensual, naked lovin'.  Even if it only lasts the usual twelve minutes.
'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate... and the 'baiters gonna bait, bait, bait, bait, bait....
But what if she then somehow fell hopelessly in love with me?  Let's not kid ourselves here, Santa, I don't have any intention of marrying Taylor Swift and growing old with her.  I just wanna do the dirty stuff with her because she kinda looks a bit like my favorite porn star.  Oh, and I'd like to tell all my friends about afterward too.  So if you can't make this one happen, I guess I'll understand.

A GODDAM UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE...
FUCK IT, I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO!   AND SINCE I'VE WAITED SO PATIENTLY, I WANT THE WHOLE TANNER FAMILY NOW TOO.   FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS!  FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING EGG NOG!  WHY IS THERE NEVER AN UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE?  I'M A GOOD MAN.  I PAY MY TAXES.  I BRUSH MY TEETH.  I WEAR DEODORANT.  I SMILE AT STRANGERS - AND NOT JUST THE SEXY WOMEN I'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH EITHER.  I'M NICE TO THE WEIRDOS ON THE BUS WHO PICK GUNK OUT OF THEIR EARS WITH THEIR KEYS!  GODDAMMIT!  HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A PLASTIC REPLICA OF THE SINGLE GREATEST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER HAD A NUMBER ONE HIT IN JAPAN FOR COVERING A BEACH BOYS SONG?  IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE?  I BET THAT'S IT.  SANTA, ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGING CAR?  FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
HAVE MERCY, SANTA.  HAVE.  FUCKING.  MERCY.
(and if it's not too much trouble, could I PLEASE just have an Uncle Jesse doll this year?)

- ryan of the ryan fan club

We can always get another kitchen.  We can never get another Stephanie.  Or apparently an Uncle Jesse Doll.

Top 11 Chris Morris Life Lessons

With today being Chris Morris's birthday, a true friend and all around bum-fiend, I have decided to celebrate his special day with a Top 11 list in his honor.

Words of wisdom.

11. Eleven is better than ten
Back in the day, I used to write a Top Ten list in each RFC Newsletter and 'Zine, until one day when Mr. Christopher Jesse Troy Morris informed me that ten was over and eleven was the new number of extreme importance.

10. Your face is mostly ice
One time, while at the Toucan I commented about how my Coke from McDonald's seemed like a rip off because it was mostly ice.  Chris then let me know that my face is, in fact, mostly ice.

9. Powder Blue suits will forever be in style
If you have somewhere formal to be, like a wedding, a funeral, or a wall to be thrown through on Hallowe'en then it's best to have a power blue suit.

8. It's okay to touch a woman's breasts without permission if her shirt is glow-in-the-dark
One of the first times Chris met the girl I eventually married was in a shitty club called the Cocamo.  She was wearing a t-shirt with a glow-in-the-dark Betty Boop on it.  He saw this and poked her in the boobies while giggling.  He's still one of my best friends.

7. Sharbot Lake and Girlfriends are for chumps

Note: Chris' hands aren't shown in this picture, as he's molesting me.

This really goes without saying.

6. Your face is a fucking pencil 
One time, while at the Toucan we were having Chicken Parm and there was a contest ballot you could get with each pint you bought, but I didn't have a pencil.  When I disgruntled about how I didn't have a fucking pencil on me, Chris informed me that my face is actually a fucking pencil.

5. My sofa is not safe
If you have a sofa, and you really like it, don't allow Chris anywhere near it.  I ended up destroying that thing with a kitchen knife and I couldn't get the hepatitis C out of it.

4. Any time is a good time to sing "Purple Rain" or "Lean On Me"
But the best time is in the Pita Pit.

3. Your face is a salt shaker
One time, while at the Toucan we were having Chicken Parm and it needed some salt.  So I asked Chris to pass the salt shaker, in which I was then enlightened to know that my face is actually a salt shaker.

2. It is possible to drink forever and ever, amen
St. Patty's Day.  2002.  The greatest drinking day of all time.

1.  The Vagina Diagram
Chris once drew me a cunnilingus diagram.  This was either in 1998 or 1999.  I have done my best to reproduce it in Photoshop, but nothing can quite replace the original.

It's not really to scale.

Happy birthday, you goddam son of a bitch.

- ryan

Review - Big Hero 6

Last night I took the family to see the new Disney flick, Big Hero 6.  You know, I had no idea this movie was based on a Marvel Comics team from the late 90s until I started this review.  Disney is really doing a good job of making money of those Marvel characters we all seem to know nothing about (Guardians of the Galaxy, anyone?).  So let's look at this movie with kid's eyes - which is the way it's really supposed to be watched.

Ryleigh meets Baymax, from Big Hero 6.

A young technology genius named Hiro becomes the leader of a super-hero team after witnessing his big brother/mentor die in a horrible fire.  Hiro learns that the fire was not an accident and then seeks out the person responsible for his brother's death.  That's pretty much the basic plot.

The Good - The action sequences in this one are pretty cool, which isn't surprizing at all considering how good CGI has become.  Some of the characters' "powers" were also fresh, especially Go-Go Tomago and Honey Lemon.  I could have watched an entire movie about those two, but I'm also a sucker for strong and quirky female heroes.  The 3D effects were decent, and my three year old daughter had a few "wow" moments while watching them.  I really enjoyed the robot, Baymax best of all, and thought his interactions with Hiro were the best part of the whole movie. 
There was a little short film before the feature called, "Feast", which was also a lot of fun.

The Bad - So, when I saw the preview for Big Hero 6, I had no idea it was about a team of heroes.  I actually thought it was all about Baymax.  So, shame on you Disney for misleading me.  I thought this movie would be more along the lines of Wall-E or Finding Nemo, just based on the initial preview.  Not to say we didn't enjoy what we saw, but I was expecting a different kind of movie.
Also, the plot twist revealing who the bad guy is was really predictable. 

The Verdict - A pretty cool movie overall, and we all had fun.  Considering we saw a different movie than what I'd expected thought, I kinda wish I'd waited for this one on Blu-Ray.  Coming from a three year old's perspective, I asked her what her favorite part of the movie was and she pretty much forgot the whole thing.  That's quite a different story from "Frozen" which she couldn't stop talking about for weeks after seeing it last Spring.  She was, however, quite intrigued by the preview to "Inside Out", the next one from Pixar, and so was I - and not just because it had "Sweet Emotion" in the preview.  So we'll see what that one's like.

- ryan

The Worst Date I'd Ever Had

Everybody's had one really awful date.  True love doesn't just fall into your lap, you know.

I was decent looking in 2002.

Mine occurred in Spring 2002, about three months before I met the girl I'd eventually spend the rest of my life with.

The worst date I ever had was with a girl we'll call "MargarineGirl".  Not because I'm trying to be mean to her, but because I can't actually remember her name... and honestly, I never really knew what it was for certain to begin with.  One thing I'm sure of, is her name sounded like "Margarine".  Yep, I went on a date with a girl who's name I couldn't even pronounce.

C'mon, she was really pretty.

MargarineGirl was a friend of a friend whom I'd always thought was pretty attractive.  And she was really cool too.   I bumped into her one day downtown and she was looking for a job.  I offered to pay her to clean my apartment for me.  She laughed about it after actually considering it, and honestly I had hoped she would do it.  My roommate at the time, Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements, was the type of guy to clip his toenails and leave them on the living room table.

Gross.

Anyway, when I offered her some temporary employment she asked why I didn't ask my slutty girlfriend to clean my apartment for me.  I let her know that I was recently single, which resulted in me getting MargarineGirl's phone number and the promise that she wouldn't be cleaning my apartment for me.

I called MargarineGirl later that week to set up a date.  She was in the bubble bath while talking on the phone to me.  I still think that's kinda awesome.  And really, it made me extra excited for our upcoming date.

This isn't actually MargarineGirl

We met at a Second Cup coffee shop, one that doesn't exist anymore and has been converted into a Starbucks, and she was right on time.  That's a big deal to me. Punctuality is important.  Especially if I want to get naked and do the dirty with you.  It's not as important as cleanliness, but it's still in the top five.

So we each had a hot chocolate and talked.

About nothing.

Nothing at all.

I've had quite a few first dates in my time, and usually they're a great chance to get to know someone new.  An opportunity to chat about what you like, what you enjoy doing, where you're from, etc etc.

Nope.  MargarineGirl was boring as fuck.  And so was I.  I actually hope that somewhere she's blogging about a boring date she once had with a guy named BoringSelfIndulgentFanClubGuy.  That would be pretty sweet.

We tried a couple times to get the conversation ball rolling, but nothing.  She asked me why I had my own fan club.  I told her.  She didn't think it was funny.  I asked about how her classes at Queen's University were going.  I think she said she was a literature major or a psychology major... so she had nothing really important to say about that either.

To put this in perspective, I was once stood up on a blind date with a girl from ICQ (remember that?) and it was a way better date than the one with MargarineGirl.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

We then decided this was the most boring date we'd ever been on, and that I should just walk her home.  I didn't really want to, but the weather had turned to rain and I was the only one of us that had an umbrella, so I did the right thing.  Also, maybe I'd get a one-afternoon stand out of this.  Perhaps she was one of those cool girls who were just really into random sex.

Nope.

We had more boring conversation about nothing at all as we walked back to her place.  And after what seemed like forever, but was really only fifteen minutes, we were at her front door.

"I hope you understand," she said, "that I'm not going to invite you in."
"I hope you understand," I replied, realizing that any random sex was not going to happen, "that I don't really want to come in."

Then I walked myself home.  And, really, I actually meant what I said to her.  In that moment, I really didn't want to go into MargarineGirl's place and do dirty things with her.  Even if I had been thinking about it all week and what it would be like.  I know it sounds crazy that while I hadn't been offered any sex, if I had then I may have turned it down.  I had concluded to myself that she'd probably be very boring in bed too.  And she would probably think I was extremely boring in bed too.

We were both just boring as fuck that day.

And that made MargarineGirl the worst date I'd ever had.

- ryan

An Extra Hour

Here's a new poem titled, "An Extra Hour".  I thought it was fitting, considering we "gained" an hour of sleep last night.

An Extra Hour
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

I have an extra hour
And you do too
But unlike He-Man, I don't have the power
So with this extra sixty minutes, what should we do?

We could sleep in a little bit past the chime
And dream of all the great things that float in my mind
Like having you and your friend at the same time
But if I think too hard about that I'll surely go blind
So maybe I'll use the extra hour to spend with Elvis on 45
Oh, I know the King is good n' dead these days
But wouldn't it be nice to have him good n' alive
But I bet I'd get bored of that hip-shaking phase

With an extra hour I could clean the whole house!
Sweep, mop, vacuum...  anything but the toilets really
I mean, I ain't the one wearing the gloves and the blouse
So I'll chip in, but only do so much ideally
I guess with an extra hour I could shave my legs
It's not something I've ever done or considered
I'm assuming it would take me the full hour to do those pegs
They'd probably look all choppy and Margot Kiddered

An hour is sixty minutes
Or three episodes of Full House (if you cut out the opening and end credits)
It's also enough time to make a sweet BASF mix tape, remember those?
An hour is one third of most Wrestlemania shows.
Except for Wrestlemania IV.. that one was friggin' long
An extra hour long

Is an extra hour really enough to have pasted?
By the time you decide what to do
You've used up ten minutes already wasted
I know what I'll do
I'll use this extra hour to write a silly poem for you

- ryan