Look Daddy! Transformers! Harry Potter!

Somewhere along the way of being an awesome dad, my little girl Ryleigh has gotten a bit confused.

For some strange reason, she seems to think characters from Star Wars are something else entirely.

The boy who lived.

This started a few months back when we were coming home from daycare.  We went into the living room and the TV had been left on. The Empire Strikes Back was showing in all it's glory on the Spike Network (because realistically they never show anything else).  The movie was about halfway through, right when Yoda is training Luke Skywalker.  We got into the living room, and Ryleigh was really excited to see the little, green Jedi master in widescreen.

"Look Daddy," she exclaimed.  "Harry Potter!"

I didn't think very much of it at all.  "Ha ha ha, silly kid."

Then, more and more, whenever we'd be somewhere and see a picture of Star Wars, or a Star Wars toy...

"Look Daddy, Transformers!" She shouted when she saw a poster of Darth Vader in the video store.

I have to remember that she's only three years old.  I mean, she seems to truly believe in her heart that Batman can fly.

She broke my Princess Leia.  I'm over it.

A few weeks ago I came home with a vintage Millennium Falcon toy.  She loved it.  And when I set it up in the Fan Cave she didn't want Han Solo flying it.  "No Daddy," she stated.  "Harry Potter and Transformer need to fly the space plane." And she proceeded to put Yoda and Darth Vader into the cockpit.  I wasn't fussy about it.  After all, I got to play with the Lando figure.  I was the coolest guy in the galaxy.

I suppose I should just be excited at all that she's even interested in watching Star Wars.  I mean, she now knows some of the characters - Harry Potter, Transformer, Bee-boo-Bee-2, Pony Fett, and Chewbroccoli - even if she's not 100% sure of their names.

And she pointed out that Transformer isn't a very nice daddy to Luke Skywalker.

I dunno, I grew up on Star Wars AND Transformers at the same time and look how I turned out.  I think she's going to be just fine.  And really, if Harry Potter were half as good as Yoda then he would've found those Horcruxes lickity-split.

-ryan

ps - for the record, she only watches the original trilogy because I'm a good parent.

Well... son of a bitch.

Ryan's Childhood Memories - The BiWay

Now that I'm a parent, I can look back on parts of my own childhood and reflect upon those things that irritated me as a child and how I'll apply those feelings to the raising of my own children.

I essentially have two options:
1. Remember how I felt as a kid and allow myself to not treat my children the same,
or
2. Remember how I felt as a kid, say to hell with it, and be just like my awesome parents were.

Maybe I'm being too vague.  I am, of course, referring to shopping at the Bi-Way.

The power and the glory of the Bi-Way

If you don't know what the Bi-Way was then, maybe, your soul will never truly reach heaven.  I'm no expert on these biblical things.

I do, however, have many memories of shopping at the Bi-Way with my mother.  The Bi-Way was a discount department store.  Your first thought might be to compare it with Walmart, and while I generally don't enjoy going to Walmart you can't compare the two.  Sit down for a second, because this analogy might make you uncomfortable.

When comparing the two department stores, Walmart is like champagne and Bi-Way was half a bottle of leftover shitty wine that had been sitting in the sun for three days after an outdoor engagement party for a couple who got a divorce three weeks after their wedding day.

And my mom insisted on buying my clothes at The Bi-Way.  It's a wonder I didn't get beat up and picked on more than I did as a kid.

Again, if you've never been inside a Bi-Way or you're too young to know about it then you really don't understand.  I'm talking about pants that had different lengths to their legs.  And not because that was some weird early 90s yo-mtv-raps fad... these products were so shitty in design and execution that you could purchase them for 99 cents and Bi-Way was still making a profit.

Venture Force shoes.  Anyone? Yeah, that's right - if you remember them, then you're also hiding those emotional scars inside, aren't you?

I don't know why all my clothes came from Bi-Way.  I mean, when my mother would inevitably wash them with the laundry detergent she bought at the Bi-Way, they'd all seem to just disintegrate.  So then it would be another trip, off to the Bi-Way for some new t-shirts on the $1.49 rack.

I don't want to sound overly negative, as I actually DO have some fond memories of Bi-Way.

For example:
1. My favorite hockey stick ever came from Bi-Way, was only 99 cents, and was covered in Russian text that I couldn't understand.  But, at the tender age of eleven, having that stick made me feel like I could shoot like Sergei Federov.  The other kids made me play goalie though because I was fat.
2. The Bi-Way we frequented was right next to the food court, so I could always convince my mom to stop at Yogen Fruz afterwards.
3. When I had naked pictures of me developed for Ryan Fan Club Newsletter #3 back in 1998, they were developed at Bi-Way.  Yep, some poor Bi-Way employee saw me with no clothes on.  I hope she isn't overly scarred to this day.  Or he.  I never until this very moment considered that a dude might have developed those photos.

So there we have it.  Bi-Way.  It's gone.

- ryan

Anna's Further Adventures?

What did Anna do after Frozen?

This is what happens when I'm left alone with my daughter's dolls and a camera.

What If Uncle Jesse Were MY Uncle?

What if Uncle Jesse from Full House (Hermes Katsopolis for you purists out there) were my Uncle, instead of those Tanner girls?

Hmmm.....

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, we'd catch all the bands at the Smash Club!

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, he'd keep the boogie man away by using his exterminator techniques!

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, he'd serenade me with Elvis songs at bedtime.

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, I'd learn all about taking proper care of my hair.

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, he'd help me install a red light above my door to let people know when I was having alone time in my room.

I don't know what you're talking about, this is clearly NOT photoshopped.

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, he would pass on the vital knowledge of the tomato, and how it is indeed a fruit and not a vegetable, and how failure to recognize it as such could result in the delay/cancellation of my own wedding to a beautiful TV show host.

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, he'd let me tag along while he toured Japan to promote his #1 hit single.

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, we'd play hopscotch.

If Uncle Jesse were MY uncle, he'd be either my mom or my dad's brother.

- ryan

A Letter to Crayola Crayons

Dear Mr. Crayola,

Together forever, it's true?

I'd like to think you couldn't imagine a world without color.  Oh, what that must be like.  Terrible, I'd imagine.  Just terrible.  It's why, I assume, over the years you've released so many different crayons in a wide variety of shades and colors.

I shit you not, when I was a kid I had a silver crayon and I wouldn't let anyone else use it. I thought it was amazing.

But recently I've come across two crayons while my daughter was coloring at a restaurant.  You can see the picture of them.  Yes sir, you see correct.  You have one crayon named "Red Violet" and another one named "Violet Red."

Let me just say that I have no problem spending my hard earned money on quality products and services... but seriously, Mr. Crayola... what the frig?

HOW ARE THESE NOT THE SAME BLOODY THING?

The names are just flipped.  The color is clearly different, but the names are essentially brothers from another mother.  I'm disappointed in your level of creativity - especially since you're responsible for such crayon names as Atomic Orange, Blizzard Blue, Cerulean, Fuzzy Wuzzy, Jazzberry Jam, and many others.

I propose you change the name of either "Red Violet" or "Violet Red" to something more catchy to reduce any further chance of confusion.

Here are a few suggestions for a new name: Period Red, Monthly Discharge Red, Bloody Nose Monkey, Jazzy Tampon, Toxic Shocking Fuchsia, and Easy Applicator Ambrosia.

You don't have to select one from my list of suggestions, but c'mon, Toxic Shocking Fuchsia would be the first crayon I reached for every time.  It might even replace my silly old "silver" one.

Thanks in advance for making the world a better place,

- ryan

PS - why do you even bother with a white crayon?

Ryan's Guide to Breakfast Cereal

I'm an expert in all things chef related.

Who doesn't like a friggin' good breakfast?  I always feel weird when I talk about food on my site, because I complain a lot about how my wife leaves The Food Network on for hours at a time.  But, you know what?  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  And sometimes you don't have time to cook a big breakfast.

That's where breakfast cereal comes in.

Today we'll take a look at what constitutes a great cereal.

Marshmallows
Let's face it - all the best cereals have those dried out marshmallows in them.   If, like me, you weren't allowed to have those sugary cereals as a kid then one of the first things you did as an adult living on your own was run out to buy a box of Lucky Charms.

There's something (possibly magically delicious) about those marshmallows that makes us all very happy on the inside.  It has to be more than the fact that they're just mere sugar and food coloring.  Is it the shapes?  Do the little stars and balloons actually increase our level of happiness when we see them?  Hmmmm....

Having marshmallows in your cereal makes you wonder how much better our lives would be if we just added marshmallows to other meals too.  Throw some yellow star marshmallows into your caesar salad.  Get some red balloons into your rice pilaf.  What's the worst that could happen?

Fake Flakes
I've seen them all - Fruity Swirls... Loopy Fruity O's.... Fruit Hoops.... Fruit Flavored Colorful Rings.... Fruit Spins...
None of these goddam things are Fruit Loops.  No matter how hard they try.  Sure, the real Fruit Loops are so sweet they'll hurt your teeth, and the no-name knock-offs are actually a little better tasting, but we're talking about the importance of following our nose here.
Froot Loops are not Fruit Loops.  And they never will be.

Who Didn't Have Their Own Cereal?

This cereal needs an enema!

Take a look at the image on the right.  That's Batman cereal from 1989.  That shit really existed.  I ate it.  And it was awesome.  Fictional characters have been lending their likeness to cereals since the destruction of Krypton, and they'll continue to do so.

Check out a video I made many years ago of me eating Pirates of the Caribbean cereal - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkm_5gKUNag

Living in Canada, we don't get as many neat-o cereals as they do in the USA.  I've seen cereals for just about every fictional character you could think of: Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Teletubbies, Simpsons, and of course the very popular Fruity Pebbles that spotlights the Flintstones.

It makes me wonder, what will be next?  I'd definitely eat a Lexi Belle themed cereal.  Or some Jessica Alba-O's.  Hell, serve me up a bowl of Machete Flakes!

Where's the Bacon at, yo?
THERE ARE NO BACON CEREALS!
This is a friggin' travesty.  When you think of breakfast - you think of bacon.  At least I know I do!  Don't get me wrong, I realize how easy it would be to throw a handful of bacon bits into my bran flakes, but that's beside the point.

I wanna walk down the grocery store aisle and see a big purple box of Bacon Bran.  That's right - a box of Bran Flakes with a guarantee of TWO SCOOPS OF BACON in every box.  And real bacon bits too, people!  Not that simulated bacon-flavored shit my mother-in-law insists on eating.

If I'm being too demanding, I'd settle for a Kevin Bacon themed cereal. 

How Much Milk Is Too Much Milk?
Do you end up with too much milk in your bowl after consuming your Rice Krispies?  Did your mom make you drink it afterwards until you felt like your stomach was gonna snap, crackle, AND pop?  Nobody wants that shit to happen.  So here's a simple mathematical equation to help you ensure you'll always use the right amount of milk.

Just let "d" represent the dairy, and "k" represent the Krispies, and "x" represent your feelings.

The answer = yummy.

The Toy
Alright, let's get down to serious business.  The most important part of breakfast cereal is the toy inside, right?  I have a three year old and she eats cereal.  I have yet to find a toy inside any of the cereal boxes.  And yet, many of her cereals do offer her the ability to go online and enjoy some cereal related fun.

What the fuck is that?  Since when do breakfast cereals have digital copies????

The conspiracy theorist in me assumes that Apple has joined forces with Apple Jacks to mess with my daughter's childhood.  I remember, and distinctly remember, pulling out awesome stuff from cereal boxes like Labyrinth stickers, Superman trading cards, toy dinosaurs, color-changing markers, and even little puzzles.

C'mon cereal companies, the McDonald's Happy Meal still offers something worthwhile inside!  Why don't you?

So that's it... at least for now... If you can think of a way to make that bacon cereal a reality, please let me know.  I'd be all over it.

- ryan

Top 11 Books That Have Stayed With Me

Top 11 Books That Have Stayed With Me

I can read!  I can read!

So there's this thing going around the internet right now in which you need to list the Top 10 Books that have stayed with you your entire life.  Maybe you just loved reading them over and over, or maybe they inspired you to do something brilliant.  Who knows.  Well, here are eleven books that I hold near and dear to my heart (because eleven is better than ten)

I also think it's kind of silly when I look at some peoples' lists of books and notice how much they're trying to look like an intellectual.  We get it, you're a smart cookie and your current taste in books is that of classic literature and smarty-pants poetry.  But can anyone honestly say they weren't influenced or mesmerized by The Paper Bag Princess?  What about Where's Waldo?  Or the Official Gremlins storybook adaption of the major motion picture?

Books are books, and reading is reading.  Growing up, my parents didn't care that I was only reading comic books.  They were just happy I was reading.  And these days I read a wide variety of things.  I guess what I'm trying to say is you can still find plenty of merit in those classic children's stories, so check them out again as an adult.

Mine is blue.

11. "The Kryptonite Kid" by Joseph Torchia
I grabbed this one off the 99 cent table at some random liquidation store when I was only ten years old.  I'm a big Superman fan, so the title really intrigued me.  What we have here is not a children's book at all.  This book, organized as a collection of letters to Superman from a little boy deals with everything from child abuse to the Catholic Church.  Some pretty fucked up stuff in there, but a definite good read.

10. "Bunnicula" by James Howe
I've always been afraid of vampires, but this little book from my childhood is a cute little read.  A family adopts a new bunny pet who goes out in the night to drink all the juice from the carrots.  

9. "To Kill A Mockingbird" by Harper Lee
I don't need to explain what happens in this book, seeing as how you've probably already read it before, but it's a rare example of required high school reading that I actually enjoyed.  "Lord Of The Flies" can suck my balls.

8. "Star Wars: Heir To The Empire" by Timothy Zahn
This was the first real novel I ever read, way back in 1992.   It takes place five years after Return of the Jedi and can be thought of as the story that got people interested in Star Wars again, spawning the resurgence of Star Wars fans all over the place a few years before the shitty Special Editions hit theaters.

Yummy

7. "unSweetined" a memoir by Jodie Sweetin
We all know Full House is my favorite TV show of all-time, but did you know that I had a huge crush on Stephanie Tanner growing up?   Looking into her life as a meth addict was something else, but I'm glad I did.  It's not really that well written, as most lower-level celebrity autobiographies seem to be, but it's a solid tale from start to finish.  And in a sick, demented, fanboy kinda way, I felt closer to my all-time celebrity crush than ever before.
And it has a really catch title.

6.  "Mortimer" by Robert Munsch
Clang clang, rattle bing bang, gonna make my nose all day!
 I emailed Mr. Munsch a few years back to tell him how much his writing meant to me as a kid and he responded with some kind words of his own.  These days I'm very excited to say that I can read Mortimer, The Paperbag Princess, Love You Forever, The Snowsuit, and other Munsch classics to my own daughter at bedtime.

5. "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz"by L. Frank Baum
If you've only ever seen the movie, then you don't know the real story.  Dorothy's slippers are silver.  Get over it.  Actually, if you're too lazy to read the book then go here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyhIe497qkU - it's the closest thing to a perfect adaptation I've ever found.  The only thing that seems to be missing are the rants the Cowardly Lion makes about wanting to eat babies.

4. "Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story"
by Arnold Swarzenegger

I'd like to own at least this many copies of this book.

It's hard to believe this book is #4 on my list, seeing as how I tell just about everyone it's the most inspirational book I've ever read in my life.  I seriously had a hard time putting it down.  And if you come to my house on the right day you'll catch me reading it aloud in my best/worst Arnold impression.  I think the fact that I only read it earlier this year means it's not number one... yet.  I think given time, this might be my favorite book ever.

3. "The Meaning of Liff" by Douglas Adams
I first came across The Meaning Of Liff when I was about twelve years old and just seriously getting into real comedy. My friends James and Dale (who were also big Hitchhiker's Guide fans) each had a copy and would share it with me on bus rides to school.  If you've never come across it, it's simply a dictionary of words that Douglas Adams made up, with full fledged meanings to go along with them, and in some cases territorial origins to boot.  I've owned four copies of this book in my lifetime, have always lent them out and never had them returned.  The books is that goddam good.

Fone Bone

2. "Bone" by Jeff Smith
I came across a sixth printing of Bone #1 at a flea market for a dollar in the late 90s.  It changed my life.  The simple, but hilarious, ending to that first issue with the snow falling on Fone Bone made me addicted to Jeff Smith's incredible series.  I've talked a lot about Smith and Bone's influence on my own cartooning over the years, so I don't need to dwell on that here, so let's just say I'm a big fan.  If I could take any one book with me on a dessert island, it would be the black n' white one-volume edition of the complete Bone saga.

1.  "Waiting For Godot" and "Endgame"
by Samuel Beckett
In grade 12 I had a book report assignment.  This was when I had first started the Ryan Fan Club and was building a name for myself amongst the artsy/theater/music kids in school.  I had always wanted to read Godot, having previously taken a course called Theater Complete the previous semester, so this seemed like the perfect time to read a play I hadn't had time to read before.  My teacher didn't buy into though, and Mr. Pinkerton politely let me know that Godot could be read within 45 minutes and I should fucking do some actual fucking work in his class for a change (I skipped a lot of his classes, but always told him I was doing it). But I really wanted to read Godot. He just wanted to see me do some real learning, so he suggested I read Godot, and compare it with Endgame and a third play called, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" by Tom Stoppard.  All three are excellent and I liked them so much I never gave the books back to the high school.  Yep, I stole books from my high school.  I'm a real bad ass.  I didn't think anybody but me was ever going to read them anyway.  And I'd do it again.

So there you have it. I can read!

- ryan

Do Your Momma

Here's a new poem that everyone should pay special attention to.

Do Your Momma

*listened to very loud music

written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Make your momma happy
Do your momma proud
Brush your teeth three times a day
And don't listen to that music quite so loud
Eat your peas and carrotts
If you wanna have some pie
Make sure you wear clean underwear
And don't leave the house 'til your hair is dry

Make your momma happy
Do your momma proud
Don't stay out late with them long haired boys
You'll fall in with the wrong crowd
Get yourself a good night's sleep
Always mind your p's and q's
Pick up all those toys off the floor
And don't be sore when you lose

*stayed out late with long haired boys

Make your momma happy
Do your momma proud
Stay up a little late on Friday night
You can, you are allowed
But get that finger outta your nose
Then close the door to the fridge
And if all your friends were gonna do it
Would you also jump off that bridge?

Make your momma happy
Do your momma proud
Give her a call for no reason at all
Come down from your cloud
Let her know she's in your thoughts
Sure, it might seem a bit sappy
But you'll do your momma proud
And make your momma happy

The end!