Gosh Darn Sexy

Here's a new poem.  And the silly thing doesn't even rhyme.
I hope you all like it very much!

Gosh Darn Sexy
(written by Ryan Matthew Ewing)

You see me sitting on the couch
Eating potato chips with no shirt on
And the crumbs are all in my chest hair
You think I'm gosh darn sexy
And you're right

I catch a glimpse
In the mirror
I didn't realize I was wearing women's underwear
I think I'm gosh darn sexy...
At least I think that's me
I'm not 100% sure this is my mirror
Maybe I'm looking at a reflection
Of you
In your mirror...
Nope, that's me
I'm gosh darn sexy

You see me picking my nose
(and it's a good one too)
Three knuckles deep with authority
And I totally get it
You know, how you want my body so bad
'Cause I'm gosh darn sexy
And I never even finish the excavation in the nostril
Some sexiness is better left untapped

It's been scientifically proven
By science
That when I walk into a room
The gosh darn sexiness level rises
From fifty-four to fifty-six
Oh yes
Those are two big gosh darn sexy points right there
And they're all mine baby

Just look at me in my bath robe
Tooth brush hangin' outta my mouth
11 o'clock shadow...
But don't look too long
Or you'll turn to stone
And that's not gosh darn sexy
Unless it's me who turns to stone
That's like, really gosh darn sexy

I hate to flaunt it
So it's a good thing I'm humble about it
And I could teach you
To be gosh darn sexy like me
But then you'd cease to exist
Because of some crazy law with the space/time continuum
(For real, I looked it up)
And then I'd miss you
Because you think I'm gosh darn sexy

- ryan

Review - JLA Adventures: Trapped In Time

JLA Adventures: Trapped In Time is a direct-to-video animated movie that was originally released as a Target exclusive a few months back.  In it, Superman's arch-nemesis Lex Luthor is frozen in a big chunk of ice for a thousand years, and two not-quite-Legionnaires (Dawnstar and Karate Kid) from the 30th century accidentally thaw him out.

"Why are we in this movie?"... "So it will sell."

Luthor gets his hands on a mystical hourglass, freeing The Time Trapper, and then uses that magic to travel back in time to stop baby Kal-El from being found by the Kents, thus erasing Superman and the Justice League from history.  This allows Luthor and his Legion of Doom the opportunity to run rampant on the world without being stopped.  Oh but wait, Dawnstar and Karate Kid are gonna try to save the day.

First, a little back story on this whole "Target Exclusive Bullshit": So this DVD was supposed to only be sold at Target stores and was advertised as such.  I went into a Target in Canada, not knowing that the DVD was only being sold in the United States.  When I asked about the movie, the clerk didn't know what I was talking about. When I asked him to look it up in the computer system at the store, he went to an iPad and searched it on Wikipedia.  After informing me that the movie did indeed exist, I politely asked him to look for it in the STORE'S INVENTORY.  After he tried, unsuccessfully, three times to spell "TRAPPED" I decided I didn't need the movie that bad and the people who make hiring decisions at Target are overpaid.  So I was delighted to hear that this movie ended up with a full release to all retailers.

And now, the review.

The Good:  Dawnstar and The Time Trapper.  Heck yes.  It's always nice to see some of the lesser known DC Heroes and Villains get their chance to shine in the spotlight, considering WB seems to think they only own Batman and Superman.  My favorite comic book of all-time growing up involved Superman going to a pocket universe created by The Time Trapper to stop General Zod, so just the mere mention of the ol' Trapper gets me excited.

The Time Trapper.  Fucking Awesome.

Let's face it - this is a Super Friends story for a new generation.  And that's not a bad thing.  I've always said that DC/WB takes their characters a little too seriously, so it's great to see an adventure aimed towards the younger viewers.  I thought the comedic "baby chase" scene was great, and actually laughed out loud at some of the cheesy one-liners from The Flash and Cyborg.  Oh, and Bizarro was great.  The way he paid such close attention during Luthor's speech, only to have to be collected and dragged away with the rest of the Legion of Doom was priceless.  The banter between Batman and Robin in the opening battle scene is also a lot of fun.

The DVD comes with two bonus Super Friends cartoons from the good ol' days as well.

Did I mention how cool it was to have Dawnstar in this?  I did?  Good, cause it's worth mentioning twice.

The final battle scene with The Time Trapper trying to alter reality really had some weight to it too, and his design was pretty sweet.  Actually, most of the character designs for this adventure were pretty good...

The Bad:  ...except for Superman and Aquaman.  The Superman on the cover art and the Superman in the movie look totally different.  On the cover, he looks goofy - while in the movie he looks confident and strong.  I get nit-picky about Superman because, well, he deserves the attention.  The "S" emblem isn't the classic version we're all used to. It's supposed to look sorta like the Man Of Steel insignia, which is a cool idea, but they don't really follow through on it.  The "S" keeps changing throughout the movie and sometimes doesn't even look like an S at all.

Batman is hardly in this movie.  If you're a Batman fan, don't hold your breath.  He's pretty much a supporting character.  Pretty sure Cyborg and The Toyman have more lines.  It also makes me wonder why they called this a JLA movie.  If it's aimed at younger viewers, do they even know what JLA stands for?  They're referred to as the Justice League in the movie, so the title should have reflected that.  It would be less confusing for the kids.

"me no am happy to see you.  no thank you very much."

I didn't care much for Karate Kid either.  With there being such a great roster for The Legion Of Super-Heroes to choose from, I think I was just surprised they didn't go with Ferro Lad, or Cosmic Boy, or evening Lightning Lad.  Maybe in the future we'll get a LOSH movie.

And given the runt ime of only 54 minutes, I think the DVD was over-priced and should've been about $6 cheaper.

The Verdict:  If you're a fan of the DC Universe, then check this out.  If you grew up with the Super-Friends in the 70s and 80s, you'll absolutely love this.  If you have kids, they'll like it too.  If you're a snobby fanboy who takes comic books too seriously, and thinks Batman Begins is the end-all-be-all of comic book mythos, and lives in your parent's basement, this movie probably isn't for you. 

At the end of the day, this one's a lot of fun for just about everyone.  My wife, three-year-old daughter, and I all cuddled up on the couch and watched it.  Give it a go... just don't buy it from the idiots at Target.

- ryan fan club

New Drawing - Lexi

Hey gang,
Here's a new drawing I did recently.  Someone asked me to draw a picture of Lexi Belle, and I didn't mind doing it one bit.
Remember, you can see my artwork at http://ryanfanclub.deviantart.com/

...so this happened.

...yep, this happened.  Have fun turning your computer and tablets around all over the place to read it too. It'll be just like old times.

- ryan

Review - Son Of Batman

DC Comics has been putting together these direct-to-video releases for a few years now, and for the most part they've been pretty enjoyable.  This newest one, "Son Of Batman" is based on the character of Damian - Batman's love-child with Talia Al Ghul - from the New52 Batman series.

Damian's grandfather, Ra's Al Ghul, is murdered by Deathstroke in the opening minutes, leaving Damian to seek vengeance.  Talia takes Damian to live with Bat-"eat-your-veggies-and-you'll-grow-up-strong-like-me"-man, and... well, it almost seems like a great premise for an ABC TGIF sitcom series.  Batman lets Damian become a new Robin and they have to go save Talia from Deathstroke.  There's lots of fighting, and in the end Damian is left with Batman for good.  Because, really, the Batcave is the perfect place to raise a child. 

The son becomes the father and the father the son?

The Good:  This is actually a pretty fun movie, once you stop joking around about how funny it could actually be to see Batman as a daddy.  I'm really happy they pronounced Ra's Al Ghul correctly too (take some notes Christopher Nolan).  The interplay between Damian and Nightwing is actually well written and voiced.  You can feel the jealously from Nightwing, and I'd liked to have seen more of that.  Alfred's small role steals the show.  He's dry.  He's funny.  He's everything you want from that limey ol' Pennyworth.  As for the villains, it's friggin' nice to finally see Deathstroke in something.  Those of us who grew up in the late 80s and early 90s of comics thought Deathstroke was the coolest baddie around.

Oh, and there's a lot of cleavage shots of Talia's boobies.  That was worth the $19.99 on it's own.

I was talking with someone the other day about how Batman was "taken advantage of" to spawn this love child (her words were "raped") and it got me thinking - this might be the most human we've ever seen Bruce Wayne.  I mean, he's Batman, and Batman does whatever Batman wants. The old joke has always been that Batman can beat anybody and sometimes that means letting the other guy think he's won while Batman sits in the Batcave and giggles while drinking scotch.  Could Batman have intended for himself to be taken advantage of to produce an offspring?  On one hand, you have Batman - The Dark Knight who genuinely likes being alone, seeking to avenge those who can't do it for themselves.  But on the other hand, you have Bruce Wayne, who longs for the family life he lost at such an innocent age.  It's possible then to assume that Bruce Wayne subconsciously encouraged himself to be drugged and taken advantage of because Batman would never have allowed it to happen.  Think on that for a while.

The Blu-Ray also comes with four bonus Batman cartoons, ranging from the Animated Series to Batman Beyond to Brave & The Bold.  They're a nice companion to the story and I'm glad the Blu-Rays of these DC movies include them.

"Right up your bum, bad guys!"

The Bad: The blood.  Wait wait wait.  Before you call me crazy, I'm all for seeing some blood in these things.  It's a Batman cartoon.  There's gonna be violence and blood.  But watch that opening attack sequence on Ra's Al Ghul's castle.  One slice from a sword and the henchmen seem to lose every drop of blood in their body.  There was enough blood transfused in the opening ten minutes to continue keeping Keith Richards alive for another decade.  One small gunshot resulted in about three pints of blood being splattered every which way.  I was actually laughing at how bad it was.

I also missed having Kevin Conroy doing Batman's voice.  I know that's picky, but when Deathstroke first arrives and you hear his voice, he actually sounds like Kevin Conroy's Batman.  It was exciting, confusing, and disappointing all at the same time.

The Verdict:  This is a pretty solid little flick.  It's just long enough, and has some decent action sequences too.  If WB is going to continue making only New52 movies, then I hope they do Batman's "Death Of The Family" soon.  That was the best Batman story of the last ten years.  "Son Of Batman" holds up well with the others in the collection in terms of quality.  I still think the best DC Animated DVD was "Wonder Woman", but the quality and detail of "Son Of Batman" is better than some of the last couple outings. 

And yet, we never got this scene in the movie...

- Ryan Fan Club

Top 11 Rejected Baby Names

...so the cat's outta the bag, and yes, I am going to be a father again.

Much like the last time around, though, I'm having a hard time getting my lovely wifey to agree on baby names.  The name you give a child is important.  It absolutely can't rhyme with anything to allow them to be made fun of at school.  You don't want your kid being called "Fat Matt", "Whorey Corey", or "Punjabi Abbie".  You need a good strong name that declares independence and courage. 

So here are two Top 11 lists.  One is Rejected Boy Names and the other is Rejected Girl Names.

Under each name  you'll see my wife's reasoning for rejecting that name.

Top 11 Rejected Boy Names

Bret The Hitman

11. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Bret The Hitman..."
10. Axl Ryan Ewing
"I don't want our kid getting beat up.  I'm not naming him Axl..."
9. Lando Ryan Ewing
"I'm not naming our child Lando..."
8. Joe Fucking Perry Ewing
"No."
7. Skeletor Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Skeletor."
6. Prince Shezahd Ewing
"..... do I even need to give you an answer?"
5. Bret "The Hitman" Ewing
"Just.  Stop.  Trying.  We are NOT naming this child Bret 'The Hitman', even if he'll be best there ever will be."
4. Stallone Rocky Rambo Over-the-top Sly Ewing 
"I think I want a divorce.  I'll raise this child on my own."
3. Kalvin Elliot Ewing
"...hey... I kinda like Calvin... but wait... are you trying to secretly name this kid Kal-El...?" 
2. Tuukka Ryan Ewing
"We are absolutely not naming our child Tuukka.  It's too hard to spell..." 
1. Optimus Prime Ewing
"I'm not naming my child Optimus Prime.  No, Ryan, it's NOT a strong name for a boy."

Top 11 Rejected Girl Names

Amanda Ultimate Warrior

11. Amanda Ultimate Warrior Ewing
"Why am I having your child again?"
10. Zdana Chara Ewing
"...only if she comes out at almost seven feet tall."
9. Lillian Murphy Ewing
"Lillian is nice... but why Murphy?"
8. Skeletina Ewing
"No. No.  And more no."
7. Bambi Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name."
6. Scarlett Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name too."
5. Anastasia Ewing
"Stripper name!"
4. Destiny Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!"
3. Lexi Ewing
"Do you want to be the one who explains that we named our child after your favorite porn star?"
2. Angel Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!"
1. Chastity Ewing
"That sounds like a stripper name!!!!!!!"

So as you can see, I have some great baby names already suggested.  Who knows what else we might come up with during this pregnancy. 

- Ryan

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

me, in 2014 - this year!

Sorry I'm Not Sorry
(...a new poem for the ages... by me, Ryan Matthew Ewing!)

I can tell by the grey in my beard
That I'm gonna have a lot of explaining to do
There's no point in apologizing for the past
And honestly, I don't really want to
That's not who I was, or what I tried to be
But still who I am too
And if I could do it all again I would
Oh yes, I would... wouldn't you?

I had songs about junk and lonely monkeys
And the taste of the butterflies in my stomach
I felt heat from the ones with the filthy rhymes
But mostly that ditty, "do a fat chick"

And all the while I listened to words with meaning
Saying,"Why don't you write a nice tune?"
But when I did, and often, they didn't listen
Believe me, it sometimes still rains in June

me, in 1999 - not this year!

And there's not much left funny about a joke
Where you can't seem to find the punchline
You might read one in a backwards newsletter
I'm not so sure;  That print is quite fine

Being famous for nothing is great (trust me)
Until you start coming up with some "proof"
All of a sudden you're an artist or musician or
Being chased by flesh-eating midgets in a cartoon spoof
(...and don't get me started on the hermaphrodites)

It's fulfilling to belong to a special club all my own
And even better to recognize everyone in town
An ID card is cool, and so is having your name changed
To Jesus Lord Ryan Jon Browne

Yes, I'll ambush a communistic chocolate bar
And from time to time still wear red jeans
But the hair's not coming back
(I'd like to think it's cuddling with Toxika)
And sadly, neither are the 'zines

So I'm so sorry that I'm not that sorry
If I've made you laugh or smile or confused

frig diggity doo.

If you were ever upset, you just didn't get the joke
And hey, at least I was always amused
And I really don't know how I'll explain it all
To my children some day when they inquire
It might start, "Once upon a friggidy ding-dong..."
Then I'll put those kids to work in the choir

I was "fired", then retired, and then un-retired too
And was un-attired nude in newsletter number two
(Actually it was #3, but that doesn't rhyme [look it up!])
And I don't believe in happy endings because
Everything ends badly - if not, it wouldn't end
So I'm so sorry that I'm not that sorry, you see
I have many more brainstorms to attend
So join and be my #1 fan
And those who left for a while can also come back
and blah blah blah, something something or other
Le Canard hasn't had the last quack