The Best of 2014

The year is almost over, and thus it is time once again for my picks as the best of the last twelve months.  I think it's important to note that anybody's "top" list is always just an opinion of personal taste, so if you don't agree with my selections that's just too bad.

Here we go!

Mahhhkey Mahhhhhk!

Movies
I'd say that 2014 was a darn good year for movies.  Sure there was some awful shit from Michael Bay, but we're all accustomed to just avoiding those flicks by now.  As usual, my picks aren't going to win the Oscar for Best Picture, but they certainly entertained me.
1. Dawn of The Planet of The Apes
2. Muppets Most Wanted
3. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For
4. The Expendables 3
5. The Lego Movie
*special honorable mention to Personal Space Invader


Songs

I never liked Bruno Mars until this.

2014 will go down as the greatest year of shitty pop music.  There was so much typical garbage on the radio that I just couldn't avoid, and also didn't want to.  Hell, I even caught myself singing along to "Let It Go" with my daughter.
1. Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson
2. Say Fuck It - Buckcherry
3. You Really Got A Hold On Me - Smokey Robinson & Steven Tyler
4. Breakfast Can Wait - Prince
5. Word Crimes - "Weird Al" Yankovic

Puddin'

Comics (I refuse to call these things "graphic novels") 
DC Comics leads the way in 2014, with Harley Quinn by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner.  Seriously, it's the most consistent fun in comics right now, and it even warranted a whole blog from me about it. 
1. Harley Quinn (inc. all the specials and annuals)
2. He-Man & The Masters of The Universe
3. Alice Cooper
4. Aw Yeah Comics
5. Adventures of Superman

Brucio.

Books (yeah, I read more than just comics...)
This was the hardest list for me to compile because, while I do read a lot of books - mostly autobiographies - it's pretty rare that I buy them when they're brand new releases.  I usually wait for them to go on clearance price or show up in the second hand shops for $4.  With that said, there were a few books I couldn't wait to read this year.
1.Let's Start A Riot - Bruce McCulloch
2. Dirty Daddy - Bob Saget
3. Rocks - Joe Perry
4. Jim Henson; The Biography - Brian Jay Jones
5. Frozen: Olaf's "A Day In The Sun" sticker book

Mmmmmmmmmmm

Babes
Well, it looks as though I've finally taken Miss Lexi Belle off the top of my babes list.  Really though, it's probably because I don't want you - my loyal fans - to think that I'm a hyper-perv.  Okay, we all know Lexi will always be #1 in my heart of babes, but let's let Paige have her turn on top for a while.
1. Paige (WWF Diva)
2. Lexi Belle
3. Taylor Swift
4. Jessica Alba
5. Molly Quinn

Nick Miller is the man.

TV Shows
I think it's important to note that I didn't actually start getting into New Girl until this past summer.  It's that darn good.
1. New Girl
2. Gotham
3. Tosh.0
4. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
5. Storage Wars

- ryan of the ryan fan club

What Would Santa Want For Christmas?

me with Santa in the 80s

You know, at this time of the year we all get a bit greedy.  It's not all bad either.  Sometimes we get greedy about giving.  We all tend to go overboard about what we want to spoil our friends and family with in terms of gifts.

When we think about the big guy up north in the ice fortress- Santa Claus, not Superman - we always think about what he can bring us.  But, what would Santa Claus like for Christmas?

Do you suppose the elves give him gifts?
Does Mrs. Claus wait patiently under the mistletoe in some sexy Santa-themed lingerie while he's out spending an evening in a bunch of chimneys?

When I told my daughter that we leave milk and cookies for the jolly fat man, she decided that Santa might like a new coffee cup instead.  When we go visit Santa at the mall for overpriced photos this weekend, she's going to bring him a new coffee cup as a gift.  Sure, we'll probably cheap out and get him one from the dollar store but we're really just interested in seeing the look on Santa's face when someone gives him a gift for a change. 

It was my daughter's coffee cup idea that prompted me to come up with today's blog.  When we think of thoughtful gifts, it turns out that Santa is actually kind of tough to shop for.  Almost like most of our fathers - Santa probably has everything he needs.

Greatest Christmas album ever

Oh, and other than delivering presents on Christmas Eve we don't really know what else Santa does with the rest of his time.  Think about it, the elves make the toys for him.  I don't believe he spends 364 days looking at the naughty-or-nice list.  That would be a bit obsessive for anybody.  He might as well memorize the phone book.

So I've put together a list of things Santa might want for Christmas.  Well, if I were Santa anyway...

•  a new stereo for the sleigh - one with a port for his iPod, so he can listen to the Hanson Christmas album while delivering presents
• a Tide To Go stick, for when some of those chimneys get his red suit to sooty. 
• Just For Men Mustache & Beard, to give him a bit of a younger feel for the summer
• some Nesquik, because regular milk and cookies must get boring after the hundredth serving.

...and that's really all I got.  Like I said, we don't really know Santa all that well outside of his Christmastime activities.  For all we know, Santa might be an amazing Backgammon player.  Or maybe he likes fly fishing.  Or he's a hobbyist photographer.  Or a knitting enthusiast.

Could it be possible that Santa is a stamp collector?

No matter.  I'm sure Santa would be happy with whatever gift he receives.

And if not, he can just re-gift to one of the millions of children in the world.  And you'd never know.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

Top 11 Movies That Are Really Christmas Movies

It's time to take a look back at eleven movies we love that we may not have realized were actually Christmas movies all along.  Just because there ain't no flying reindeer, contracts to make you Santa Claus (no E), or comedians dressed up as elves doesn't mean these aren't great Holiday classics in their own right. 

11. I Am Legend (2007)
Will Smith is alone with his dog in a world that was destroyed by disease... or something.  It was so long ago that I watched this movie.   Anyway, the genocide took place on Christmas Day so if you really don't like Christmas then this is the best place to start.
10. Trading Places (1983)
The classic comedy that features Eddie Murphy getting rich on Dan Aykroyd's money during the holiday season.  At the end of the day, who hasn't spent a little bit of Aykroyd's money at some point in their lives?
9. Mean Girls (2004)
Alright, this one takes place over an entire school year, but who could forget that little holiday assembly number featuring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams in slutty Santa costumes?  Add in the fact that they probably just turned 18 at that point, and you've got a film worthy of roasting your chestnuts over.

They don't look so mean...

8. The Ref (1994)
Dennis Leary robs your house and ends up smelling like cat piss for 90+ minutes.  It's a decent comedy, and I'm not just saying that because Leary is a huge Bruins fan too. 
7. Just Friends (2005)
What happens when the fat kid comes home and turns out to be rich, attractive, and really annoying?  If you're a chick, it probably doesn't matter much so long as he looks like Ryan Reynolds.  That guy could make sweet love to all the women in a room before getting all the way in the door.
6. Trapped In Paradise (1994)
Nicolas Cage normally doesn't make good movies, but thanks to Jon Lovitz and Dana Carvey, he's got a funny hit on his hands.  This is the tale of three bank robbers on Christmas Eve who end up breaking back into the bank to put the money back when Nicolas Cage has a change of heart.

Everybody can change!

5. Lethal Weapon (1987)
Celebrate the birth of Christ with Mel Gibson 15 years before that "Passion" film!  And also, I just recently learned that Danny Glover's "Too Old For This Shit" house is the same house that the annoying neighbors in National Lampoons' Christmas Vacation live in.  Well, sonofabitch!
4. Rocky IV (1985)
The greatest fight in history, Rocky Balboa versus Ivan Drago, brings east and west together.  If Rocky can change, and YOU can change, then everybody can change... and it all goes down in Russia on Christmas Day!
3. Batman Returns (1992)
Leave it to Tim Burton to associate Christmas with people dressed up as bats, cats, and penguins.  And Christopher Walken.  That guy just screams Christmastime. 
2. Die Hard (1988)
Truth be told: I never liked Bruce Willis until I saw The Whole Nine Yards and heard his mayonnaise rant.  When I saw Die Hard, and Willis saved the day in his bare feet, I could finally appreciate him as an action hero.  Yippi-ki-yay, mother fucker.
1. Gremlins (1984)
Don't put them in the light... don't get them wet... and don't fucking feed them after midnight!  From the opening sequence with my very favorite Christmas song of all time ("Christmas [Baby, Please Come Home]" by Darlene Love) to the multi-Gremlin massacre around the Christmas Tree... this is just a pure gem.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

awwwww... his buddies are gonna tear up the city.

Undercover Santa

Undercover Santa
A classic, silly Christmas song, by yours truly with the help of Johnny San.

All I Want For Christmas...

...is just a little bit of thoughtfulness.

Long Live Ryan.

Where did the excitement go when it comes to Christmas presents?

Remember when you were a kid, and for some of you I'm sure it wasn't that long ago, there was always one present you opened on Christmas Day that was a big surprise?  I'm not talking about that one special item you put on top of your list to Santa (ie Uncle Jesse action figure) and you waited patiently for it until the 25th of December.

I'm talking about that one very thoughtful gift you never knew you wanted, but when you received it you couldn't possibly have ever lived without it before.

It seems we're all so concerned about filling someone's list.  Checking off items to appease each other and keep each other happy.  Or maybe because it's just easier that way.

Case in point - my dad visited me the other day while I was working.  I had casually mentioned to him the day before that I'd like to have Bob Saget's book, "Dirty Daddy".  This was our conversation:

"Hi son.  That book... what section of the bookstore is it in?"

"Comedy."

"Good good.  Do you know how much it is?"

"I dunno. Probably twenty-five bucks or so."

"Good... so listen, if Dana asks you what you want for Christmas... don't let her get you that book."

"B" is for thoughtfulness.

And so, just like that, I knew exactly what I'm getting for Christmas this year.

When I first moved out on my own, that first Christmas away, my parents wrapped up a box of pancake mix and a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup.  It was one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given and I still think about it today.  I didn't need fancy electronics or new jeans.  I need some goddam pancakes.

I actually spend too much time doing my Christmas shopping.  I rarely just grab something off the shelf just because it's the $9.99 price point and easy to wrap.  I said "rarely" because there is one person I have to shop for that every year I go out of my way to buy them the stupidest, most pointless thing I can find... but even that takes a bit of thoughtfulness.  Seriously, I put a lot of thought into buying something pointless (to me) and they end up loving it every year.

Even my wonderful wife is guilty of checking off items on a list.  She'll ask me what I want and then tell me I'm very difficult to shop for.  In all truth, I am the type of person who will just go and buy something if I want it.  I'm a very spur-of-the-moment consumer.  This is no joke, if there's a package of peanut butter cups by the cash register I'll buy it.  If there's something Aerosmith-related by the cash register and I don't already have it, I'll buy six of them.  If I already have it, I might just grab one in case my house gets broken in to  and that item is stolen before I can get home.

But I always tell my lovely wife how easy I am to shop for.  I'm a marketer's dream.  Just slap a Bruins "B" or the Aerosmith "A" or a Superman "S" on a cup, keychain, drum sticks, bottle opener, or nuclear warhead and I'll love it as a gift.  Now that I put that to writing, I might just be a sucker for things with a letter associated in their logo.
Note: I have a pair of Aerosmith drum sticks but I do not own a drum kit, nor do I know how to play that instrument.  I can see them from where I'm sitting in my Fan Cave, and though I know they have no use to me whatsoever I love them dearly.

I drawed this up real good.

I also like stars and the color pink.  A gift for me could be pink underwear.  Or underwear with stars as a pattern.  Or... now get this... pink underwear with stars on them!  Now that I've made those three suggestions, I kinda hope I don't end up with any of those as gifts - that would be just like checking it off a list of something I have almost predetermined myself to have. 

Also, it's a well known fact that I like to draw.  A gift for me could be a new sketchbook.  Or some pencils.  Or a beautiful naked woman that will live in my basement and act as a model for me whenever I feel like drawing.  She could live off a diet of spaghetti and water.  I'm sure she would like it.  And I'm pretty sure that isn't illegal if it's a gift.  I don't really know.

So, in closing, all I really want for Christmas is some thoughtfulness.  And an Uncle Jesse action figure.

- ryan

Santa Was A Jerk To Rudolph

What an arse.

I just recently re-watched the Rankin-Bass classic Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, as I always tend to do this time of year. One thing that really stuck out was just how much Hermey the Dentist looks like Conan O'Brien. But that's not what we're here to talk about today. We're here to talk about the rude jerk-hole treatment Rudolph took from one Mr. Santa Claus.

When Rudolph was born with that glowing red schnoz, even his own daddy didn't like it. Well, it's common for parents to find faults in their children.Just look at your own kids. You'll find all kinds of faults in their perfect little faces.  This one time, I was watching a Bruins vs Leafs game with Ryleigh and she said, "Daddy, I just want the blue team to win."  See, nobody's perfect.

But in Rudolph's case, even Santa took pot shots at the lil' baby reindeer right after he was born. If that wasn't enough, Santa went on to tell Donner that he should "be ashamed of himself". Wow... Santa can be pretty harsh. Must be all the pre-Christmas stress.

But when Santa needs Rudolph's help, his attitude changes completely. Santa never went out in the cold looking for Rudolph. He didn't square off against The Snow Monster. Nope. No sir. Ah, but that beautiful glowing red nose can see through a snowstorm... way to go Santa. He doesn't want Rudolph as a friend. He just wants another minion. I'm 92% sure that Santa only stopped by the Island of Misfit toys because he was short on his production quota, no thanks to a certain Conan O'Brien look-a-like leaving to be a dentist.

So the next time you watch this holiday classic, keep an eye out for Santa. He might be out to use you next.

Oh, and if you're a big nerd like me, pay attention to Hermey and you'll realize he has the same voice as Peter Parker/Spider-Man from the 1960s cartoon!

- ryan of the ryan fan club 

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)

...I started coming up with this random song the other day for a complete stranger.  She turned out to be a representative working for Mental Health, and besides finding me fascinating she thought I also had a killer smile.  Killer, in that handsome way.  Not in such a way that I was going to kill her.  That would have been awkward.

So I decided to actually write a full set of lyrics.  Imagine a folk song playing along.  Check it out.

Patrick (The Suicidal Christmas Elf)
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Chorus:

*artist's rendering

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

Oh, once upon a time in the far north pole
Amongst the reindeer and jolly Ol' Saint Nick
Was an elf who always checked his death wish list twice
The smiling, laughing, full of cheer Patrick
Until the day when his Christmas spirit dwindled
And he drank too much Egg Nog before his sleigh ride
Then he picked a knife fight with three wise men
And so began his advent calendar of suicide

Chorus

Well, Patrick always had bad Mondays
But then came the Tuesday he went loco
All the other toy makers were quite shocked to find
That he poisoned his own cup of hot cocoa
So what made his Blue Christmas turn red?
And why'd he try to blow up his gingerbread home?
If being a toy making elf didn't work out
Perhaps he could get work as a garden gnome

*artist's rendering

Chorus

Well, Patrick had the eyes for Santa's daughter
Her name was Jingle Belle and she was so pretty
But Patrick's heart froze when he saw his friend
Laying Jingle Belle under the Christmas tree

Chorus

For a while he was fixated on asphyxiation
He's also tried bazookas and the kitchen knife
Of all the times he's tried with no success
Is he really that poor at taking his own life?

Oh, he tried to hang himself with garland
He attempted to slice his wrists with candy canes
He's tried about a hundred ways to kill himself
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Ohhhhhhhhh, he even tried suffocation with a stocking
He let himself be crushed with the shop's toy shelf
But that pointy eared bastard's still alive and well
He's Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Yes, Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf
Oh Patrick - The Suicidal Christmas Elf

And he still ain't dead.

My Christmas Wish List 2014

We're friends Santa... for now.

As those kids in the Peanuts gang say, Christmas Time Is Here!

And that means another round of items on Christmas Wish List!  Over the years I've asked for a few things from Santa Claus that weren't available in any department store.  I asked for a Stanley Cup in Boston at Christmas 2010, and they Bruins won one in 2011.  I've also asked for things to come out on DVD, and Santa made that happen for me.

I've also asked, repeatedly, for an Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been asking for that doll on the top of my list for about ten years now, with no avail.  So I've decided this year not to ask for it.  That's right, I'm giving up on the one Christmas present that would fill me with yuletide cheer.  I guess it's just time to move on.

So here's my special list for Christmas 2014:

Born To Ride

John Stamos Is Born To Ride on Blu-Ray
If I can't get an elusive Uncle Jesse doll from Santa then I want the next best thing.  It's the greatest movie of all-time that has never been released on DVD or Blu-Ray.  And I kinda accidentally taped over my VHS copy of it while trying to convert it to digital.  So there you go Santa, to get my Stamos fix this holiday, how about Born To Ride on Blu-Ray?  If you've never seen this classic film, it's almost like imagining Uncle Jesse has traveled back into the past to find love in the war-time.  Yep, I can't make that one up Santa.
And while you're at it, how about hooking us up with a Blu-Ray of Never Too Young To Die?

A Night Of Manly Drinking With My Not-Yet-Best-Friend Nick Miller

Nick Friggin' Miller

I have recently become hooked on that show, New Girl, and let me tell you something: Nick Miller might just be the greatest man in the world.  I'd seriously like to hang out with this guy and get drunk with him while watching football.  And I don't even like football all that much.  I would call it a man-crush or anything like that.  It's more like Nick Miller is the dude I'd like to see myself becoming.  And the best way to do that is over a few manly drinks.  Santa, make it happen.

Johnny Boychuk Back In Boston
I think my favorite team made a huge mistake when they traded one of their most reliable defensemen  away this year.  Boychuk throws the body, scores goals, and uplifts the team's morale.  Since he's been gone, my Bruins just haven't had much of an identity.  And hey, if you glance closely at him, sometimes he looks a little like Bobby Orr.  Come on Bruins, BRING BACK BOYCHUK!  Santa, you need to get involved in this.

We miss you, good sir.  Sincerely, the fans.

A Sweet Kiss From Miss Taylor Swift.

Mmmmmmm

...and by "kiss" I actually mean rough, dirty, sweaty, nasty, morally unsure, ass-to-mouth, consensual, naked lovin'.  Even if it only lasts the usual twelve minutes.
'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate... and the 'baiters gonna bait, bait, bait, bait, bait....
But what if she then somehow fell hopelessly in love with me?  Let's not kid ourselves here, Santa, I don't have any intention of marrying Taylor Swift and growing old with her.  I just wanna do the dirty stuff with her because she kinda looks a bit like my favorite porn star.  Oh, and I'd like to tell all my friends about afterward too.  So if you can't make this one happen, I guess I'll understand.

A GODDAM UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE...
FUCK IT, I JUST CAN'T LET IT GO!   AND SINCE I'VE WAITED SO PATIENTLY, I WANT THE WHOLE TANNER FAMILY NOW TOO.   FUCK YOU SANTA CLAUS!  FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING EGG NOG!  WHY IS THERE NEVER AN UNCLE JESSE ACTION FIGURE UNDER MY CHRISTMAS TREE?  I'M A GOOD MAN.  I PAY MY TAXES.  I BRUSH MY TEETH.  I WEAR DEODORANT.  I SMILE AT STRANGERS - AND NOT JUST THE SEXY WOMEN I'D LIKE TO SLEEP WITH EITHER.  I'M NICE TO THE WEIRDOS ON THE BUS WHO PICK GUNK OUT OF THEIR EARS WITH THEIR KEYS!  GODDAMMIT!  HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A PLASTIC REPLICA OF THE SINGLE GREATEST HUMAN BEING THAT EVER HAD A NUMBER ONE HIT IN JAPAN FOR COVERING A BEACH BOYS SONG?  IS IT BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE?  I BET THAT'S IT.  SANTA, ARE YOU PUNISHING ME BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DRIVE A FRIGGING CAR?  FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
HAVE MERCY, SANTA.  HAVE.  FUCKING.  MERCY.
(and if it's not too much trouble, could I PLEASE just have an Uncle Jesse doll this year?)

- ryan of the ryan fan club

We can always get another kitchen.  We can never get another Stephanie.  Or apparently an Uncle Jesse Doll.

Top 11 Chris Morris Life Lessons

With today being Chris Morris's birthday, a true friend and all around bum-fiend, I have decided to celebrate his special day with a Top 11 list in his honor.

Words of wisdom.

11. Eleven is better than ten
Back in the day, I used to write a Top Ten list in each RFC Newsletter and 'Zine, until one day when Mr. Christopher Jesse Troy Morris informed me that ten was over and eleven was the new number of extreme importance.

10. Your face is mostly ice
One time, while at the Toucan I commented about how my Coke from McDonald's seemed like a rip off because it was mostly ice.  Chris then let me know that my face is, in fact, mostly ice.

9. Powder Blue suits will forever be in style
If you have somewhere formal to be, like a wedding, a funeral, or a wall to be thrown through on Hallowe'en then it's best to have a power blue suit.

8. It's okay to touch a woman's breasts without permission if her shirt is glow-in-the-dark
One of the first times Chris met the girl I eventually married was in a shitty club called the Cocamo.  She was wearing a t-shirt with a glow-in-the-dark Betty Boop on it.  He saw this and poked her in the boobies while giggling.  He's still one of my best friends.

7. Sharbot Lake and Girlfriends are for chumps

Note: Chris' hands aren't shown in this picture, as he's molesting me.

This really goes without saying.

6. Your face is a fucking pencil 
One time, while at the Toucan we were having Chicken Parm and there was a contest ballot you could get with each pint you bought, but I didn't have a pencil.  When I disgruntled about how I didn't have a fucking pencil on me, Chris informed me that my face is actually a fucking pencil.

5. My sofa is not safe
If you have a sofa, and you really like it, don't allow Chris anywhere near it.  I ended up destroying that thing with a kitchen knife and I couldn't get the hepatitis C out of it.

4. Any time is a good time to sing "Purple Rain" or "Lean On Me"
But the best time is in the Pita Pit.

3. Your face is a salt shaker
One time, while at the Toucan we were having Chicken Parm and it needed some salt.  So I asked Chris to pass the salt shaker, in which I was then enlightened to know that my face is actually a salt shaker.

2. It is possible to drink forever and ever, amen
St. Patty's Day.  2002.  The greatest drinking day of all time.

1.  The Vagina Diagram
Chris once drew me a cunnilingus diagram.  This was either in 1998 or 1999.  I have done my best to reproduce it in Photoshop, but nothing can quite replace the original.

It's not really to scale.

Happy birthday, you goddam son of a bitch.

- ryan

Review - Big Hero 6

Last night I took the family to see the new Disney flick, Big Hero 6.  You know, I had no idea this movie was based on a Marvel Comics team from the late 90s until I started this review.  Disney is really doing a good job of making money of those Marvel characters we all seem to know nothing about (Guardians of the Galaxy, anyone?).  So let's look at this movie with kid's eyes - which is the way it's really supposed to be watched.

Ryleigh meets Baymax, from Big Hero 6.

A young technology genius named Hiro becomes the leader of a super-hero team after witnessing his big brother/mentor die in a horrible fire.  Hiro learns that the fire was not an accident and then seeks out the person responsible for his brother's death.  That's pretty much the basic plot.

The Good - The action sequences in this one are pretty cool, which isn't surprizing at all considering how good CGI has become.  Some of the characters' "powers" were also fresh, especially Go-Go Tomago and Honey Lemon.  I could have watched an entire movie about those two, but I'm also a sucker for strong and quirky female heroes.  The 3D effects were decent, and my three year old daughter had a few "wow" moments while watching them.  I really enjoyed the robot, Baymax best of all, and thought his interactions with Hiro were the best part of the whole movie. 
There was a little short film before the feature called, "Feast", which was also a lot of fun.

The Bad - So, when I saw the preview for Big Hero 6, I had no idea it was about a team of heroes.  I actually thought it was all about Baymax.  So, shame on you Disney for misleading me.  I thought this movie would be more along the lines of Wall-E or Finding Nemo, just based on the initial preview.  Not to say we didn't enjoy what we saw, but I was expecting a different kind of movie.
Also, the plot twist revealing who the bad guy is was really predictable. 

The Verdict - A pretty cool movie overall, and we all had fun.  Considering we saw a different movie than what I'd expected thought, I kinda wish I'd waited for this one on Blu-Ray.  Coming from a three year old's perspective, I asked her what her favorite part of the movie was and she pretty much forgot the whole thing.  That's quite a different story from "Frozen" which she couldn't stop talking about for weeks after seeing it last Spring.  She was, however, quite intrigued by the preview to "Inside Out", the next one from Pixar, and so was I - and not just because it had "Sweet Emotion" in the preview.  So we'll see what that one's like.

- ryan

The Worst Date I'd Ever Had

Everybody's had one really awful date.  True love doesn't just fall into your lap, you know.

I was decent looking in 2002.

Mine occurred in Spring 2002, about three months before I met the girl I'd eventually spend the rest of my life with.

The worst date I ever had was with a girl we'll call "MargarineGirl".  Not because I'm trying to be mean to her, but because I can't actually remember her name... and honestly, I never really knew what it was for certain to begin with.  One thing I'm sure of, is her name sounded like "Margarine".  Yep, I went on a date with a girl who's name I couldn't even pronounce.

C'mon, she was really pretty.

MargarineGirl was a friend of a friend whom I'd always thought was pretty attractive.  And she was really cool too.   I bumped into her one day downtown and she was looking for a job.  I offered to pay her to clean my apartment for me.  She laughed about it after actually considering it, and honestly I had hoped she would do it.  My roommate at the time, Joshua Lindsay Mercer Clements, was the type of guy to clip his toenails and leave them on the living room table.

Gross.

Anyway, when I offered her some temporary employment she asked why I didn't ask my slutty girlfriend to clean my apartment for me.  I let her know that I was recently single, which resulted in me getting MargarineGirl's phone number and the promise that she wouldn't be cleaning my apartment for me.

I called MargarineGirl later that week to set up a date.  She was in the bubble bath while talking on the phone to me.  I still think that's kinda awesome.  And really, it made me extra excited for our upcoming date.

This isn't actually MargarineGirl

We met at a Second Cup coffee shop, one that doesn't exist anymore and has been converted into a Starbucks, and she was right on time.  That's a big deal to me. Punctuality is important.  Especially if I want to get naked and do the dirty with you.  It's not as important as cleanliness, but it's still in the top five.

So we each had a hot chocolate and talked.

About nothing.

Nothing at all.

I've had quite a few first dates in my time, and usually they're a great chance to get to know someone new.  An opportunity to chat about what you like, what you enjoy doing, where you're from, etc etc.

Nope.  MargarineGirl was boring as fuck.  And so was I.  I actually hope that somewhere she's blogging about a boring date she once had with a guy named BoringSelfIndulgentFanClubGuy.  That would be pretty sweet.

We tried a couple times to get the conversation ball rolling, but nothing.  She asked me why I had my own fan club.  I told her.  She didn't think it was funny.  I asked about how her classes at Queen's University were going.  I think she said she was a literature major or a psychology major... so she had nothing really important to say about that either.

To put this in perspective, I was once stood up on a blind date with a girl from ICQ (remember that?) and it was a way better date than the one with MargarineGirl.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

We then decided this was the most boring date we'd ever been on, and that I should just walk her home.  I didn't really want to, but the weather had turned to rain and I was the only one of us that had an umbrella, so I did the right thing.  Also, maybe I'd get a one-afternoon stand out of this.  Perhaps she was one of those cool girls who were just really into random sex.

Nope.

We had more boring conversation about nothing at all as we walked back to her place.  And after what seemed like forever, but was really only fifteen minutes, we were at her front door.

"I hope you understand," she said, "that I'm not going to invite you in."
"I hope you understand," I replied, realizing that any random sex was not going to happen, "that I don't really want to come in."

Then I walked myself home.  And, really, I actually meant what I said to her.  In that moment, I really didn't want to go into MargarineGirl's place and do dirty things with her.  Even if I had been thinking about it all week and what it would be like.  I know it sounds crazy that while I hadn't been offered any sex, if I had then I may have turned it down.  I had concluded to myself that she'd probably be very boring in bed too.  And she would probably think I was extremely boring in bed too.

We were both just boring as fuck that day.

And that made MargarineGirl the worst date I'd ever had.

- ryan

An Extra Hour

Here's a new poem titled, "An Extra Hour".  I thought it was fitting, considering we "gained" an hour of sleep last night.

An Extra Hour
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

I have an extra hour
And you do too
But unlike He-Man, I don't have the power
So with this extra sixty minutes, what should we do?

We could sleep in a little bit past the chime
And dream of all the great things that float in my mind
Like having you and your friend at the same time
But if I think too hard about that I'll surely go blind
So maybe I'll use the extra hour to spend with Elvis on 45
Oh, I know the King is good n' dead these days
But wouldn't it be nice to have him good n' alive
But I bet I'd get bored of that hip-shaking phase

With an extra hour I could clean the whole house!
Sweep, mop, vacuum...  anything but the toilets really
I mean, I ain't the one wearing the gloves and the blouse
So I'll chip in, but only do so much ideally
I guess with an extra hour I could shave my legs
It's not something I've ever done or considered
I'm assuming it would take me the full hour to do those pegs
They'd probably look all choppy and Margot Kiddered

An hour is sixty minutes
Or three episodes of Full House (if you cut out the opening and end credits)
It's also enough time to make a sweet BASF mix tape, remember those?
An hour is one third of most Wrestlemania shows.
Except for Wrestlemania IV.. that one was friggin' long
An extra hour long

Is an extra hour really enough to have pasted?
By the time you decide what to do
You've used up ten minutes already wasted
I know what I'll do
I'll use this extra hour to write a silly poem for you

- ryan

Whatever Happened To The Hamburger?

so beefy!

Whatever happened to the hamburger?

It seems like you can't find a good, old fashioned, straight up burger anymore.

The hamburger used to be a menu item at every restaurant, sometimes with cheese if you liked, and eventually a couple other variations came along and they decided to pretty much form a hamburger band that occupied about one-third of a menu page.

It looked something like this:

• Hamburger - 1/4 pound burger, with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, ketchup and mustard
• Cheeseburger - same as above with a slice of cheese on it
• Double hamburger - (you guess it) two hamburger patties with all the same toppings
• Bacon Double Cheeseburger - heaven in your mouth

And that was fine.  If you wanted something a little more risque, you might venture over to McDonald's and have the Big Mac because it had a special sauce - but that was a specialty burger, and almost the holy grail of all hamburgers in its own way.

Then along came the chicken burger; covered in that disgusting mayonnaise. And someone said, hey, let's take the mayo from the chicken burger and put it on the regular burger.  And my heart sank a bit.

Now, I've been to places where the hamburgers take up an entire menu page.  And they have ridiculous names:

• Squakin' Rockin' Turkey Burger
• The Something What Too Big To Be Too Big Burger
• The Outback Westerner

 And so on, and so on.

I've also been to some restaurants that are totally devoted to hamburgers.  It's like you're an assembly line worker, getting to pick all the pieces of your Frankenstein Hamburger.  It's all so gourmet.  It's not even really a hamburger anymore so much as it is a dinner entree. 

what is that bubbly stuff on the bottom part of the bun?  does this burger have boils?

First you start by picking your bun - white bun, whole wheat bun, 12-grain, bleached wheat to look like white bun, or gluten-free-vegan-inspected-bun.

Then you pick what type of patty you want - beef burger, chicken burger, turkey burger, or veggie burger.  Wait a sec... I thought we were having hamburgers here?

So you start to get my point.  You move on to choose from eleven kinds of imported cheese, thirty different vegetable options, and ten different sauces (eight of which are just fucking mayonnaise with a different kind of spice stirred into it).  I'll just have ketchup and mustard please and thank you.

"Can I take your order?'
"uh... gosh... there's a lot to choose from... maybe I'll try the... uh... what's the Chef's Omega Sauce?"
"It's a garlic infused, sun-dried tomato blended mayonnaise, lightly seasoned with lemon juice."
"Can I have this 'Omega Supreme Burger' without it?"
"Absolutely!  Would you like to try the Pepperjack Mayo instead?"
"Uh... no. Not really.... listen, do you just have a juicy hamburger with ketchup, mustard, lettuce, onion, and tomato?  Maybe a pickle on the side?"
"You mean you don't want a pretentiously spiced up mayonnaise on your burger?  Fine.  Which type of bun would you like?"
"The kind hamburgers come on."

You know, you can still get just a plain hamburger at McDonalds?  Yeah, the fucking thing is, like, seventy-nine cents or something and it tastes alright for seventy-nine cents.  I'm not saying it's great, but for seventy-nine cents you get a bun, a patty, some ketchup, and a pickle.  I don't even think it's on the menu, but they do make it. 

So, whatever happened to the hamburger?  I miss it.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

The Great Superman Movie Book

I grew up on the Christopher Reeve Superman movies.  Superman II, the one where Supes has to battle the three baddies from the Phantom Zone, is my favorite movie of all-time.  I've watched it at least 200 times in my life.

When I was a kid in the 80s, I stumbled across this little gem of a book in my public school's library.  The Great Superman Movie Book.  It covered the first three Superman films and it was awesome.

You've gotta remember, that this was long before the internet, and there were only so many blockbuster movies released each year.  Books like this weren't as common as they are today.  Go into your local bookstore today and you'll find a shelf with six or seven different books all about the current blockbuster movie (Guardians of the Galaxy, X-Men, Captain America... wow, Marvel has done a great job with their marketing department). 

There weren't very many books that focused on the classic Superman movies, so this one stands out - and is a quality little read too. Just from looking at the cover you can see we're treated to Confidential Close-Ups, A Fabulous Photo Collection, and a pull-out poster!

The two different versions of The Great Superman Movie Book.

Believe it or not, I loved this book so much as a kid that I borrowed it from the library enough times to fill up three of those sign-out cards that they stuck in the back.  It was destined to be mine.  But I could never find it anywhere for sale.  My mother even tried to have it specially ordered through the bookstores in town, but by 1988 it was out of print.

everyone needs someone to look up to.

This was clearly a job for Superman.

Or a super-lie.  The last time I borrowed the book from my school's library, I hid it in my room and didn't return it.  A week or so went by and the librarian sent me home with a note for my parents that I would have to reimburse the school's library for the lost book.

I think the fee was something like, $2.50... which for an eight year old kid in 1988 was a lot of money. 

My mother, who was no idiot, asked me where the book was.  I couldn't lie to her. 

Kids, don't lie to your mother.  It's wrong, and it's stupid, and it's just silly.

So my mother gave me the money to reimburse the school for the book, on the condition that I would work it off around the house.  This whole solution may seem strange because the actual issue at hand was never solved... the school never got their book back, I worked my debt off around the house, and in the end I got what I wanted all along - The Great Superman Movie Book.

Kids, don't go looking for a real moral in this story.  You won't find one. 

Unless you keep reading!

back cover

Many years later I was at a rummage sale outside my old public school.  People in the neighborhood and the community donated items for sale.  I forget what they were raising money for, and really, it doesn't matter to this story.  For the sake of argument, let's say they were raising money to build a super-computer for Gus Gorman. 

I was going through the books at the sale, and lo and behold was a copy of The Great Superman Movie Book!  However, this one was a little different.  It didn't have anything from Superman III in it.  Great Caesar's Ghost, I had found the original edition!  And I didn't even know it existed.

"How much for the book?" I asked.
"I dunno... fifty cents, I guess," said the rummage saleswoman.
"Here's twenty bucks," I said. "It's for a good cause."

And really, it was for a GREAT cause.  The Great Superman Movie Book!

- ryan

Rosalina Is A Total Babe

Rosalina, a total biker babe

What's hotter than a hot chick on a motorcycle?

Okay, I realize that Rosalina here isn't even a cartoon character - she's a video game character, and that's actually even less cool, but let's face facts.  A chick on a motorcycle is hot.

She just is.  Motorcycle babes are total babes.

When I'm playing Mario Kart on the Wii, and I've been riding in first place for most of the race, and suddenly I get lambasted with a Blue Shell of Death, I get really mad.  Until I realize that the shell was sent to me by Rosalina.  And then all is forgiven because she's a total babe.

I don't even know if Rosalina has ever been in any other Nintendo game.  As far as I'm concerned, she was put in Mario Kart to sexy it up a bit.

Not Rosalina, but still a total biker babe

And when I play in two-player mode against my darling wife, I don't let her bully Rosalina around.  In video game land, Rosalina is my woman and my real wife just needs to understand and accept that.

I kinda wonder how Princess Toadstool (apparently called "Peach" these days) feels about having another pretty lady kicking around in the Mushroom Kingdom.  I mean, she's always been the number one gal that all the plumbers (both red and green) are digging.

Well, until someone named Daisy came about just so Green Mario could have a girlfriend too.  Oh wait, there's also Toadette - who's a bit of a babe in her own way too, but in the same sense as dating an eighteen year old high school girl and being her prom date is.

And let's not forget Birdo.  You're one fucked up freak if that's your idea of a babe fantasy.

So I'll stick with Rosalina.  Total Babe.

And, fuck it, I wrote this rant after drinking a whole bunch of beer.

- ryan of the ryan fan club

I don't know who this is dressed up as Rosalina, but she doesn't have a motorcycle.

That's My Spot

"I was here first."

When I was a kid, and I'm sure many of you have had a similar experience growing up, my father had one specific spot on the couch where he liked to sit.  It was the best spot on the couch for several reasons - there was a coffee table right next to it, it was in perfect view of the television, and it was always warm n' comfy.

It was his spot.

And, as a kid, I sat in his spot every single chance I had.

And every single time he saw me there, he'd quickly kick me out of it.

After all, it was his spot.

It started off pretty simply, with him telling me to move over, and over time this graduated into simple hand gestures and pointing.  Sometimes all he had to do to get the message across was clear his throat a big, deep, *ahem*.

The place where I sit and get fat

As I aged and became braver, I found myself not sitting in my dad's spot until I knew he was nearby.  I'd wait for him to come home from work, and then I'd quickly leap into his spot - it was a clear act of rebellion and I was curious to see how he'd react and what he'd do about it.  One way or another, I'd end up further down the couch.

Because it was his spot.

The other day, I came downstairs from the bathroom, walked over to the couch took one look at Ryleigh - who was sitting where I normally do - and simply pointed to the other end of the couch.  She moved.  I sat.  Sipped on my coffee that was right next to me on the table and proceeded to watch a Full House re-run in perfect view.

That's my spot.

Then it dawned on me: am I turning into my father?

- ryan of the ryan fan club

AutoRYography - Hallowe'en '98

1998 was a pivotal year for me.

That fall, after having just started my own fan club and not knowing what I had gotten myself into, was when I dressed up (or down really) in my most controversial Hallowe'en costume ever.  It resulted in me getting strange looks, curious half-smiles, stern talkings to, and a even a few fingers pointed in my face.

I painted my upper body half black with a zipper down the middle of my chest.  And I only wore pants because I didn't want to be arrested that night.

It was a bit of an odd reference and homage to Steven Tyler in Aerosmith's "Livin' On The Edge" video.  That video was already eight years old by this point, and was certainly not in anyone's mind but mine.

...there's something wrong with THIS GUY today...

Livin' On The Edge

By mid-98 I was a HUGE Aerosmith fan.  I secretly wanted to be just like Steven Tyler.  I grew my hair long, started wearing leopard print clothing and... well, okay I guess it wasn't that big of a secret.  This Hallowe'en costume may have been a step too far, but I digress - I still, to this day, think it was fucking awesome.

And really, you weren't me back then and never saw the looks on the peoples' faces.  That was worth it all.

My high school was on the other side of town, and I had to be bussed there.  Usually I'd get up around 6:30 am to get ready for school on a normal day.  I had to be up at 5:30 that morning to get this costume ready.  The painting part was pretty painstaking.  It took a long time to do, and I had to be careful not to rub against anything.

I had never painted my body before, and didn't even know what body paint was.  I was certainly no expert in this field.  I had purchased a dozen or so tubes of black face paint from the dollar store to make this transformation happen, and it took all of them to finish the paint job.  And really, there's no photos of my back, but it got pretty choppy looking towards my spine.

So then I got on the school bus, wearing a big black trench coat as I so often did back in those days.  My friends could tell that something was up.  Since I had applied the paint with my finger, I could really only make the zipper look so good.  Some people on the bus thought I was being crude or bold or even racist by being half black.

Wrestlemania VI

When I got into school and took my jacket off, a couple people thought my costume was "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in Wrestlemania VI.  This was, of course, 1998 and the WWF was at the height of its all-time popularity.  Oh well.  Mostly, the kids at school didn't know what to make of me that day.  Everyone kept their distance, obviously to not have any black paint rub off on them. But more and more I was greeted with comments about race, prejudice, and how cool it was that I was making a statement about how we were all the same on the inside.

When I would explain that I was dressed as Steven Tyler in "Livin' On The Edge" I'd just get blank stares from people.

"What do you think you're doing, walking around here with no shirt on," asked my first period English teacher.  She was a bitch by nature, overly preach about the ways of feminism, and didn't understand art even though she prided herself on being artistic.  I hated her so much I eventually dropped her class.  "This is my Hallowe'en costume," I replied as if to insinuate that she didn't realize that it was, in fact, October 31st.

"And why did you feel the need to come to my class like this today?"
"If it would make you feel better I'd be more than willing to leave."  So I spent the rest of first period in the Theater Complete room, rambling about nothing, and visiting the art classes down the hall.

That night was the high school dance and I didn't miss it for the world.  I was never one for going to these dances before.  I thought they were pretty hokey.  But I had a sweet costume that had everyone talking.  There was even a costume contest, which I didn't win but I'm glad to say the guys from my school dressed up as the Beastie Boys "Sabotage" video did.  Me and the other Theater Complete kids found ourselves wandering outside for a couple quick beers before calling it a night.

The famous naked photo of me came from that night too.  I had convinced some friends (who naturally don't want to be named and I don't friggin' blame them) to snap a quick picture of me totally nude and covering myself, just like the opening of the "Edge" video that I was mirroring.  That photo wound up in Ryan Fan Club Newsletter #3. 

L2R: Stephen (the first ever Ryan-Fan who signed up) ... me....  Brendon dressed as Hercules

When I got home that night, around midnight, I had to get that black shit off my body.  There was no way I was going to sleep with that on and have it wind up all over my sheets.   So I took a shower to scrub it off.  This was probably the longest shower I have ever had, and I've had some darn good shower sex of the years, and I used nearly an entire new bar of Ivory soap.  I learned something that night:

Hot water + black paint + white bath tub = grey bath tub.

Boy, did I get in a lot of shit from my parents the next day.  In all honesty, I had the water so hot in that shower and combined with the few beer I'd had and the cool October air on my mostly naked body... well, I puked up a storm before bed.  I refuse to blame the booze for that one.  You never blame the booze.

So, is there a legacy for this?  I'm sure the Ryanites and Ryanettes from those early days remember this well, and when I bring out the photo for new Ryan-Fans they give me those same looks I experienced in 1998.  I love it.

Oh, and "Livin' On The Edge" has become one of my all-time favorite Aerosmith songs.

But I don't try to dress like Steven Tyler anymore.

- ryan

My Hate/Love Relationship with Disney

"Let it go... let it go... can't hold it back anymore..."

Do you know how many times a day I get to hear that song?

Sure, Demi Lovato and Idina Menzel have taken the song, "Let It Go" to the top of charts, the Oscars, and the stratosphere.  But lucky for me, I get to hear my little girl sing "Let It Go" about fifteen to twenty times a day.

Sometimes she even makes up her own words for it.  And I gotta admit, no matter how many times I get to hear that tune (which actually isn't a bad song at all for the first few times), when Ryleigh sings it I always listen. 

Somewhere along the way, over the last three years or so, my life changed.  I stopped hating Disney.

I used to have a real hate-on for Disney.  Not the company, or the parks, or Walt himself, or even the buttloads of merchandise you'd see kicking around the mall... just the animated movies.  God, I hated the Little Mermaid. 

What I never understood was how, with all the quality animation Disney produces and is capable of producing, they never opened a mature studio to capitalize on the demographic that glues their eyes to Family Guy, The Simpsons, etc etc.  I guess we'll never know.

So after watching the Lion King and Alladin for a hundred times in the early 90s, I got really sick of Disney cartoons.  And the stupid songs.  Why did those characters have to break out into song for no reason at all, just to explain the events they were doing in the first place?

It wasn't until much later in life that I realized that I too often break out into random song, explaining exactly what I'm doing at any given moment... Here I am, walking down the street, to check the mail and who do I meet, but a nice old mailman tall and thin, oh he's got my parcel and he reeks of gin...

So, I guess I can't really hate on Disney films for that.

In the mid-90s, while I was still in high school, I had started sorta quasi-dating this girl who was in love with everything Disney.  Because I'm a sucker for a pretty girl, I re-educated myself on those animated classics - everything from Lady & The Tramp, Snow White, and more recent ones like The Little Mermaid.  Go figure that when she broke my heart was coincidentally when I really started hating Disney movies.  As disappointed as I am that I never did get to make sweet passionate dirty love to her, it did mean that I never had to sit through the later-90s Disney films like, Mulan, Pocahontas, the Hunchback, and all those other shitty ones.  I guess you win some and you lose some.  I'd like to think I broke even.  Though I might be wrong.  I'll never know for sure.

While animated Disney movies sucked in the late 90s, those Pixar movies started to take off, and unfortunately I missed out on that too.  Stupid ego pride.

Hmmm... maybe these movies aren't so bad after all...

So let's flash forward fifteen years or so.  I've become a dad, to a beautiful little girl, and she just so happens to be in love with everything Frozen.  I've said before, that when we watch Disney flicks as part of family movie night I tend to watch Ryleigh watch the movie.  That's where my enjoyment comes from these days.  But also, I'm picking up on things I'd never picked up on before.

For example, The Little Mermaid has one of those most gruesome death scenes I've ever witnessed - when the big octopus lady is impaled by the mast of a ship!  That was fucking awesome!  There should've been more of that in the movie.

Last week when Sleeping Beauty was re-released on Blu-Ray I decided to sit through that one too.  I'd never seen it before, and it was pretty darn good too.  The action sequence at the end was everything I'd like to see in a Hobbit-style movie.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?  Has being the father of a little girl really transformed my opinion of Disney movies so much? Did I sell out my beliefs to make my daughter happy?  Have I just become a big softie at heart?

For the record, my favorite Disney movie of all-time is still The Black Cauldron.  That movie beats up all other Disney flicks.  But, man, I actually really enjoyed Frozen (the first couple times) and I really liked Tangled too.  And Brave? Damn good movie!

So there, I guess I don't hate Disney movie anymore.  Well, except for what they're doing to my bank account. 

- ryan

PS - I also won't let anyone say a bad word about Darkwing Duck.  That guy was a stone cold bad ass mother fucker.