A Year Without Santa?

...back in 1974, the animating team of Rankin-Bass gave us a Christmas special titled, "The Year Without A Santa Claus."  It detailed an adventure of Santa being too sick to deliver presents to all the girls and boys, so he had to stay home.  It was a neat little show with awful songs but that classic stop-motion animation that made Rudolph such a classic.  In the end, Santa is all better and Christmas goes off without a hitch the next year.  It's kind of like the year the NHLPA was on strike and the Stanley Cup was won by nobody. 

So today I'd like to take that notion of a year without Santa just a little further.  Let's assume that some other characters from our favorite Christmas specials had to take over for the jolly red man after they learned the true meaning of Christmas.  Remember that Tim Allen movie, "The Santa Clause?"  I don't remember all of it, but I'm pretty sure the jist of it is that Tim The Tool-Man Taylor kills Santa in cold blood and then has to don the red suit and sleigh and go on a murdering spree in his absence.  Let's use our imaginations...

Skeletor

Awwwww.

...there was no bigger Christmas miracle than the one realized by Skeletor.  So what did the evil lord of destruction do with his Christmas holidays after he helped He-Man defeat Horde Prime?  Well, we can only assume that Skeletor was instrumental in sending those bratty kids back to Earth.  Then, it only makes sense that he went caroling all across Eternia.  Just imagine your favorite Christmas songs, but with vocals like Axl Rose.  Then, Skelly Claus would have to deliver presents and drink hot cocoa with Granymyr.  I think it's safe to assume that Beast Man got that Easy Bake Oven he's always wanted.

Pee-Wee Herman
...when the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas special ends, we're left we seeing Pee-Wee flying off to help Santa Claus deliver all those presents.  But what happened after that?  I have a striking feeling that when Mr. Herman returned to the Playhouse, he had a new found respect for what Santa does.  But knowing Pee-Wee, he probably had all of his guests start prepping for the next Holiday Season.  We're talking slave labor here.  Hell, he practically had to stop a union from forming with Frankie & Annette.  Couldn't you just see Miss Yvonne sewing purses by the hundreds?  Or Cowboy Curtis painting toy train sets for all the little boys?  If there's anything I'm certain of, it's that Pee-Wee Herman could bring order and procedure to the Holidays.

Know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worrell
...we actually know what Ernest did after his antics in Ernest Saves Christmas.  He went to jail, got scared stupid, and even went to Africa.  But what about the little girl, Harmony, who learned the real value of Christmas?  If we go the darker route, and assume that people never truly change (even those truly touched by Christmas miracles) then we have to believe in our heart of hearts that she went back to living on the streets, selling her body for Canadian Tire money, and doing smack.  Which brings us to...

Rob Ford
...okay, let's be honest here... I'm just throwing this in here because everyone else is making Rob Ford jokes and I want to be one of the cool kids too.  Something about crack... lying... videos... the Toronto Maple Leafs still suck... whatever.  Let's laugh and move on.

Charlie Brown
...after Charlie Brown is taught the true meaning of Christmas from Linus, the two of them embark on a journey of going door-to-door to teach everyone else all about the events of December 25th.  Eventually they realize they're just as bad as Jehovah's Witnesses and decided to go hunting a great pumpkin instead.

Mr. Grinch

"...and this is how all the good whos go poo-poo."

....sometimes miracles can go too far.  The Grinch went from evil, maniacal, madman to Whoville's hero in a matter of hours.  Sure, he returned their Who-bonkers and their Who-crackers, and then he carved the roast beast (oh yes, that seemingly magical animal that never diminishes no matter how many slices you take off).  But then what?  Well, the Grinch could have only been so fueled with Christmas cheer that he made every day like Christmas Day.  Every day those little Whos would open their mailboxes to find Christmas cards.  And presents.  And eggnog.  But the final straw would be the day that the Grinch invited all the local Whos to sit on his lap.  And that would result in his exile from Whoville.  Forever.

So there we have it folks.  A look into "what might have been" territory.  So let's try our best to just cherish our favorite Christmas specials for what they are, and not what they eventually would have become.

- ryan

Top 11 Superhero Movies

It's not an "S".  It's actually a $.

... you may remember that I did a little list like this way back in 2008, when my website was still pink.  You can still see it (and the worst) at: http://www.ryanfanclub.com/archive/top11bestsuper.html

But that was then, and this is now.  Much has changed, including my opinion of several of those "top" films.  Looking back, I can't believe I ever liked Superman Returns as much as I did.  So here's a brand-new list of the Top 11 Super-Hero Movies.  There's also been an onslaught of new super-flicks in the last five years, and that makes the competition even stronger. 

*I think it's important to point out that I'm reflecting specifically on super-heroes here and not comic books in general.  For instance, V For Vendetta should surely be on the Top 11 Comic Book Movies list but it's not a super-hero flick.

Here we go.

11. The Incredible Hulk
No, no, no.  Not the one directed by Ang Lee.  This is the one with Edward Norton.  You know, Edward "Everything I Do Is Fucking Awesome" Norton.  Norton is such a good actor that he legitimately made us care about his Bruce Banner and the beast inside.  And that's really the first rule of story telling.  Make us care.  The fight scene at the end between the Hulk and that monster was really cool too.  This was just an all-around enjoyable superhero film.

10. The Amazing Spider-Man
It only took four movies for them to finally get it right.  I'm a big fan of the first Tobey Maguire movie, and I sincerely did enjoy the third one with Venom, but Spider-Man 2 bored the pants off me.  And then just a couple years ago they restarted the franchise.  The Lizard was awesome, Emma Stone is great in anything she does, and Peter Parker was actually a character you could relate with - which is what he always was in the comics anyway.  I really hope they make more to this series. 

Why so serious?

9. The Crow
You can pretty much thank this film noir from the early 90s for the gained interest in comics by independent publishers.  The Crow, often overshadowed by the on-screen death of star Brandon Lee, was the alternative superhero movie.  You can also say that because of the Crow we were also forced to sit through Judge Dredd, Tank Girl, and Spawn during the 90s.  At it's heart The Crow is a love story in a very grim world.  And that's the beauty of it.  Budding rock star Eric Draven and his new bride are murdered (she's raped too) and he returns from the dead to hunt down the gang members that caused their demise.  Amid all the drugs, gangs, violence, and rain, a dark hero emerges for vengeance.  Along the way of claiming vengeance, he makes friends with a little girl and Ernie Hudson.  Who wouldn't want to be friends with Ernie Hudson? Nobody, that's who.

8. Superman: The Movie
It's the movie that defined a genre.  Really, every other superhero movie owes their existence to Richard Donner's Superman. You can talk at lengths about Christopher Reeve's performance, and you can rave about John Williams' musical score, but there isn't just one piece to this puzzle.  Superman succeeds purely on charm, delivered by the ensemble cast.  The flick chronicles Superman's life, from Krypton through Smallville, and into Metropolis where he does battle with the land-hungry Lex Luthor.

We are family!

7. The Incredibles
I really wanted to avoid putting any animated features into this list (it pains me deeply to omit Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm), but there's simply no denying just how wonderful Pixar's The Incredibles is.  If you've ever been a fan of superheroes, there's something in this movie for you.  It's cheesy and often tongue-in-cheek and doesn't take itself overly seriously, but at the same time treats the medium and subject matter with the utmost respect.  I'd love to see a live action version.  That would be unstoppable.

6. Marvel's The Avengers
There's not much else to say about a movie that made a butt-load of money at the box office and on DVD.  Oh wait, they did it with a bunch of second-string Marvel characters.  Just goes to show that if you make a superhero movie aimed at children, you'll hit the nail on the head.

5. Man Of Steel
It's still relatively new, but what Man Of Steel has done is make Superman accessible and relevant to modern day audiences.  This is hands down the most intelligent Superman film made yet.  Looking at Kal-El as an alien on Earth from the perspective of humans is what makes this film so believable.  You want to see Kal win and save the day, just so he can fit in with the rest of us... even if he never truly will.

Act now and get these steak knives!

4. X2: X-Men United
You might think topping the first X-Men flick would be pretty tough, but Bryan Singer managed to make one of the best action movies I've ever seen with X2.  Sure, it's mostly a Wolverine story, but it's way better than any of his own films.  And Rogue is pretty sexy, let's not forget that.  What Singer did with this movie was pretty simple: stick to the source material and give the fans what they want to see on the big screen.  I'm actually disappointed in myself for waiting for this one on DVD for a first viewing.

3. The Dark Knight
It was the best of the Nolan trilogy, riding completely on the performances of the Joker, Commissioner Gordon, and Harvey Dent.  People often say that there wasn't enough Batman in Batman Returns, but with The Dark Knight our hero doesn't even really need to be in the movie.  This is a Joker movie, and admit it to yourself, he's the reason you went to see it. The Joker has never been quite as menacing, or even frightening, as he is in The Dark Knight  and it's a darn shame we didn't get him in the third movie.

It's not an "S". Where I'm from it's saran wrap.

2. Superman II
I might be a little biased because it's my favorite movie of all-time, but what premise could be better than Superman going toe-to-toe with three Kyrptonian baddies who all have the same powers (and some new ones invented for the movie) that he does?  They throw a bus at the Man of Steel for Christ's sake.  That was awesome in 1981 and it still is today.  I'm not going to say which version of the movie is better - there was also a director's cut released about five years ago - but neither of them are the same movie. So many other super-hero movies have followed the format of Superman II.  A few years back, Spider-Man 2 was regarded as the greatest super-hero movie ever made and yet few people mentioned how it was pretty much a clone of Superman II.  Think about it: The hero wants to be with a girl he loves, loses his powers, the bad guys take over, and the hero has to get his powers back to save the day and then ultimately choose the rest of the world over the one person he loves more than any other.

1. Batman Returns

Robin eats yellow snow.

This installment of the Bat-Franchise has gotten too much flack over the years.  Some said it was too dark for children.  Others said there just wasn't enough Batman in it.  But if you look a little closer, you'll see that Batman's psyche is actually divided between the three villains in the movie.  The Penguin is the lonely child in search of his lost parents.  Catwoman is the dual personality that wants to lead a normal life but feels the need to put on a mask at night.  And Max Shreck is the billionaire tycoon.  Put them all together and you've got Batman.  And in Tim Burton's second film of the series, he has Batman do battle with all three sides of himself.  I used to think that Returns was just a Tim Burton flick that so happened to feature Batman from time to time, but then I picked up on the subtlety of it all.  Visually, the movie is leaps and bounds ahead of it predecessor or any movies that followed it.  Michael Keaton continued being perfect in the bat-suit too.  Danny Elfman's score evolved from the first round into something more twisted and bone-chilling.  If comic books are a medium that are often misunderstood by those who aren't die-hard fans, then Batman Returns is the perfect representation of that medium on the big screen.

And there you have it!  Who's to say what my opinion will be in another five years.  Maybe I'll pick Batman & Robin as the number one movie of all-time.

- ryan

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2013

 
...before you know it Christmas will be here.  It's that time of year when we all greedily ask for as much loot as possible.  We give gifts, we get gifts, and we ultimately hope that the crappy stuff still has a UPC code on it so we can take it back anywhere in hopes of store credit.  Every year someone gives me a pair of pajama pants that I'd never wear and I exchange them for some useful socks or underwear.  And don't try to say, "it's the thought that counts," because if you don't do the same thing then you find yourself putting those gifts into a box for donation to the Salvation Army.  Admit it, I'm right.

I'm at the point in my life where if I want something, I just go get it.  If I want Man Of Steel on Blu-Ray, I just go buy it.  In the mood for a beer?  I go get one.  Got a hole in my socks?  I'll just grab a few pair while I'm buying groceries.

So every year I put together my Christmas Wish List, asking for things that I wouldn't just be able to pick up on my way home.  Some things have actually come true - the Ruby Spears Superman show on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup for the Boston Bruins - buy I'm still waiting to see Bionic Six on DVD.  And of course, the ever eluding...

Uncle Jesse doll - this is the last year.
...every year, at the very top of my list, is always the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll.  Yes, this thing exists.  In the early 90s you could either get Uncle Jesse on his own, or in a collection with Aunt Becky and the twins.  There's also a pack that features Danny and the girls.  Honestly, I'd like to have the entire collection of these things, but the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll is truly the holy grail of them all.  I've been hyping this toy up for years and years, and I'd surely take it with me wherever I went.  Just like I was a little girl again.
However, as a grown man now, I feel it's time that 2013 is the make-it-or-break-it year for the Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been a good boy all these years.  So I've come to one simple conclusion: If I don't get an Uncle Jesse doll this year, then there really is no Santa Claus.  I hate to be so extreme, but this could really be a life-changing lesson.  So, if you the reader truly believe in Christmas miracles, you'll find some way to help make this happen.
Note: There was a mail-away Joey Gladstone doll too.
See the whole Tanner family here - http://twinsonline.tripod.com/pictures/family.jpg

Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool on Blu-Ray
...if you've never seen this movie, it's really quite a gem.  I have it on VHS and at one point I converted it to DVD for myself and a few friends who share my appreciation of it.  In little segments, Mr. T teaches us about being ourselves - including saying no to drugs, being frustrated, not being a little fat kid, and how to treat our mothers right.  Hell, there's even a music video featuring Bobby Brown and New Edition.  This flick truly needs the hi-definition treatment.  There could be a second disc that features a remastered soudtrack, as well as a Mr. T commentary track, and a "Where Are They Now?" segment focusing on what those kids are doing today.  Naturally, this 3-disc set would also include a standard definition DVD and digital download, and a 48-page full-color booklet with many behind the scenes photos.  The Best Buy exclusive edition could come with a poster or a Mr. T action figure.
Never seen it?  Check it out here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0m1YzRu4M

The Real Guns N' Roses Back Together
...Slash... Axl... Dufff... that's really what the world needs right now.  I know it will NEVER happen, and that's why it would be a true Christmas miracle.  Sure, there's also the part of me that knows GnFnR are the greatest rock band of all time because of the way they burnt out before they could fade away.  That's part of what makes us still think so fondly of them.  They never had a "Fat Elvis" phase, or the "touring the greatest hits for 9 years" tour.  So maybe what we need is for the powers that be to unearth some rare, unreleased tracks from the Gunners.  That might be the best we'd ever get.  And it would still be awesome.
Something like this, maybe? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfG87P7SEAg

Masters Of The Universe #12
...I had this comic when I was eight years old.  It was pretty fucking epic.  Skeletor has taken over Eternia and Castle Greyskull.  He-Man is nowhere to be found, and thus pronounced dead.  The rest of the Masters of the Universe have to try and reclaim Eternia, and hopefully bring back He-Man!
You can read it here -http://www.he-man.org/publishing/item.php?id=474


And that's that!  I don't ask for much.

- ryan

Top 11 Things To (Not) Say At A Wedding

... before I'm reminded that it's been forever and a day since I've done a Top 11 list, here's the Top 11 Things To (Not) Say At A Wedding...  I'll let you use your own judgement when opening your mouth.

...weddings always make me cry wolf.

11. "Always a bridesmaid and never a bride, huh?  Probably 'cause the bride don't sit around getting all fat n' sweaty while watching Maury Povich all day!"

10. (in response to that question of 'do you take fucktard to be your lawfully wedded whatever"...) "What does the fox say?????"

9. "Yes!  Yes!  I goddam love this song!  Fucking awesome!  Baby, let's dance! ... What?  ... What first dance?... Their...?  No fucking way!  This was the song we danced to at our wedding!  It was our song first!... It wasn't? ... My first wife...?  Well, fuck it!  I goddam love Air Supply!"

8. "Yeah, sure, right now she's like mint in package.  Ain't nobody opened her up and played with her yet.  But give it time, I tells ya, pretty soon those elbow joints won't be so stiff and her arms are just gonna hang there.  And then you won't be able to find her accessories anymore.  She'll end up in some cardboard box at a yard sale."

7. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Herman Hendezelbengerstein!"

6. ""Can I have the vegan option?"

5. "Who fucking gets married on Columbus Day?  Fuck this shit!  I've got a case of beer in the trunk that's in need of my lips!"

4. "If they get up the next morning, all married and stuff, and he finds her eating frogs in the bathroom, he's gonna be super pissed."

Greatest.  Couple.  Ever.

3. "You know, that WAS going to be my dress.  But then my fiance left me for another woman.  Then, I got a tongue ring and he took me back.  Then he left me for another woman again.  Not the same woman.  I guess that would be another another woman.  I can't keep track of them all.  Anyway, so I got this sweet boob job done for him.  I had a coupon.  And he took me back.  Then he left me for a dude.  That dude already had a tongue ring, and then got a boob job done.  The difference?  He paid full price.  And really, neither of our new boobs would have fit into that dress.  So I gave it to the other other other woman that he left the dude he left me for."

2. Wait, before you put the ring on me... lemme grab my phone... gonna instagram this shit!"

1. "If every word I said, could make you laugh... I'd talk forever.  I'd ask the sky just what we had.  It showed forever.  Forever.  Forever.  I've been so happy loving you.  Let the love I have for you live in your heart and be forever.  Forever.  Forever.  I'll be so happy loving you.  And a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable."

So there you have it.  Get married!  It's fun AND you get presents!

- ryan

Fifteen Fu**ing Years!

Holy smokes, as my daughter would day... it's been fifteen years now since I started the Ryan Fan Club.

I've never been too sure of the exact day this whole shenanigan began (even though I credit it as October 5th in the documentary "Behind The Fan Club") but it's sometime around this time of the year.  I don't think I really need to get into the specifics about how all of this was just a joke that backfired.  I mean, I've friggin' rambled about that enough.  Long story short though, for those of you that are a little newer - I made a sly comment about starting my own fan club... people joined... I've been doing it now for far too long.  And really, there's not sign of me stopping.

Seriously.  I tried retiring in 2011 and couldn't keep myself away.

So rather than some formal trip down memory lane, I'd thought I'd just remind a few of you - and myself - of some of the defining moments of the last fifteen years. 

This also helps me cope with any signs of Alzheimer's I may be experiencing.

The truly odd part of it all is how I've really been working backwards.  I always said I wanted to be famous for doing nothing.  Ever since then, I've actually been doing projects to try and justify why I even have this fan club.  Pretty deep, eh?  Deep like an old French-Canadian vagina.

1998 - an awesome dude named Stephen Desrosiers was the first person to sign up for the Ryan Fan Club, and with that moment, there was no turning back... for any of us.

1999 - I presented the first ever RFC Awards for awesome fans.  I then celebrated with a road trip that left me stranded on the 401 highway and found myself sleeping in some Goodyear Tires office.

1999 - I was with some buddies (Adam and Brian) at the mall and there was this cute girl named Chelsea working at the music store.  I asked my buddies to show her their RFC membership card (yes, those existed for a time being) and inquire if they got a discount for using it.  She was confused of course.  So I explained who I was.  More confusion.  So we left and bumped into a couple girls who were Ryan-Fans.  I then asked them to go to the music store and show off their membership cards and ask for a discount.  Two days later I opened my e-mail and the lovely Chelsea had joined my fan club.  True story.  Awesome.

1999 - It was a crazy summer that saw me pen the first version of my autobiography, film a terrible movie called "1987",  begin The Adventures of Ryan comic strip, release an RFC Yearbook for the fans, and write the Top Ten Mis-Uses of the word 'Vagina'.

1999 - www.ryanfanclub.com launched, and within weeks I was banned from my own website.  Eventually, I figured out what I was doing with computers.

2000 - I took a several month hiatus from the RFC, but tried being all artsy by passing it off as inner conflict between me and my publishers... but I self-published everything, which was really confusing to everyone, and all the fans just kinda thought I was full of shit.  It was a dark time for the rebellion. But I got laid a lot.  Somewhere in all this mess was the Inside-Outside Penis Fiasco from a few blog entries ago.

2001 - I cut off the crazy long hair and started publishing the monthly Ryan Fan Club 'Zine, which ran for over five years.

2002 - I consumed alcohol for 16 hours straight with Chris Morris to celebrate St. Patty's Day.  We became soul mates.

2002 - On a last minute whim I wrote some songs with my buddy Crofton and we played them at Glennstock.  We weren't booed offstage, and those songs became the foundation for an album the next year.  With growing interest in the RFC 'Zine and website, the Fan Club had a resurgence in popularity that exceeded what was happening in '99-00.  I got laid more than ever before. Actually, much of 2002 is a blur to me.  That summer I also met the woman I would take as my first wife.  She's still my only wife, but I feel the need to refer to her as my first wife.

2003 - I recorded my very first CD, titled "Bacon & Eggs".  Instead of doing normal promotion, I made a sign that said, "I love Ryan with all my heart" and had as many people on the street pose with it as I could find.

2004 - For the 6th anniversary of the RFC, I wanted to do something extra special.  After years of toying with the idea, I finally hosted a Fan Appreciation Day.  I barbequed meat for my fans, gave out random prizes, performed songs live for them, then got drunk on cheap beer called Wee Willy (fitting, right?) with them until I barfed like a champ for them. I love my fans from the bottom of my heart.  And stomach.

2005 - On Valentine's Day I received a random phone call from the girlfriend of one of my biggest fans.  She said she was far too poor to actually buy her man a present, but somehow justified paying the long distance charges to call me from Japan.  Anyway, she asked me if, as a gift for the love of her life, I would have a conversation with him.  Of course I agreed to it.  I never told them, but I was having a bubble bath for the entire conversation.  Those two lovers eventually got married, and are still together today.

2005 - My friends Dave and Steve came over for a 24-hour Full House marathon.  We seriously watched the entire first season, including the rare original pilot that had a different Danny Tanner.  I drank myself sober.  It was divine.

2006 - For my third CD ("New Ditty"), I decided to give away a free copy of my song "I Have A Penis" in the RFC 'Zine.  It was a way to let everyone know just how messed up and bizarre my creativity was getting.  The song itself was catchy and loved by everyone who heard it.  You know you love it.  Thanks to Crofton and Johnny San, we created a wacky sound that was kinda infectious.

2007 - I created two big events that year: Pub War and Coffee War.  The second one would actually change my life.  Also that year, I recorded the "Impotence To The Max!" CD with Johnny San.  Unlike the last album, nobody but me and Johnny enjoyed Impotence very much.

2008 - Got married. Honeymooned on the west coast.

2009 - Still disappointed in how the Impotence CD ended up, I recorded "Friggidy Ding-Dong" all by myself.  It was 12 of the silliest, most experimental songs I've ever done, and it's also the most highly regarded of any of my creative projects (except for the 'Zine, which truly was the crowning jewel on the head of Ryan).

2010 - I filmed the documentary "Behind The Fan Club" and  re-united with many fans from over the years for interviews.

2011 - I became a daddy and retired from the RFC.  That retirement lasted a whole six months.

2012 - "Untitled Album" became my 6th album, and my first one available on iTunes.

2013 - I said in my blog that I'd remind my fans of just a few great moments in RFC lore, then went on to ramble way too much as usual.

The end?  Nice try, mother fucker!

- ryan