Mayonnaise Is Stupid

... I dislike mayo so much that I actually recorded a song about it.  Yep, "Mayonnaise Is Stupid"... and I really hate it.  Mostly though, what I hate is when people put mayo on hamburgers.  This trend started a long time ago and it's just gross. I HATE that when I go somewhere for a burger I need to ask the people working if there's mayo on it.

Ryan; circa right about now-ish.

This one time, I got into an argument with a girl at a Wendy's about it.  Here was the conversation, word for word...

Ryan: ... yeah, I'd like a Baconator please with no mayonnaise on it.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: No mayo?
Ryan: Yeah.  I'm allergic
Idiot Wendy's Girl: You can't be allergic to mayo.
Ryan: Yeah, I'll die if I eat it.
(Then my friend jumped into the conversation to tell her that I'm not really allergic to mayonnaise.)
Idiot Wendy's Girl: Why don't you want mayonnaise?
Ryan: I don't like it. I think it's gross.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: But... why? I've never heard of anyone not liking mayo before.
Ryan: Yeah, well, I don't.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: I don't get it.  That's just silly.
Ryan: You know, all you need to do here is push a button.  I mean, there's gotta be a "no mayonnaise button" or something.  It's not like you're actually making the burger for me.
Idiot Wendy's Girl: But I still don't understand why you don't like mayonnaise.
Ryan: ... just push the fucking button.

The Mayo-Nay-Nays

At this point, she just stared at me blankly like I was from another goddam planet while I became visibly agitated.

And this is why I tell people I'm deathly allergic to it.  After arguing with this girl for a good ten minutes, I gave her my money and that was that.  And without fail there was fucking mayo on my Baconator.  It was there and then that I decided to not eat at Wendy's again until they started making their burgers without mayo.

I don't want to rant on too much about the white death, but there was this other time I was at a restaurant and I asked the waitress if the burgers had mayo on it.  "Nope," she replied.  "Just our burger sauce."  Perfect, I thought to myself, I'll take one with fries and a beer.  When the burger arrived to my table I took a closer look at this burger sauce because, well, I've had enough fucking mishaps with mayonnaise in my life to give me a bit of a complex about it.  The burger sauce was pretty creamy, lightly colored, and... well, fuck it, it was fucking mayonnaise.  I can distinguish mayo like Sherlock Holmes can find fucking clues.

So I asked her what was in the sauce.

"Ketchup, barbecue sauce, and mayonnaise."
"... but I said I didn't want any mayonnaise."
"Yeah, and it's not mayonnaise.  It's our burger sauce."

I just closed my eyes and imagined myself setting the restaurant on fire.

Jesus Christ, I fucking despise mayonnaise.