Sex Is Like Pizza

...someone once said, "Sex is like pizza - even when it's bad, it's still pretty good."

Then someone else put that on a bumper sticker, and people have been saying it for years.  But I think today we need to take a closer look at that analogy, shall we?

If sex is like pizza, then what else?
Given the root of the saying, "sex is like pizza", then you could also suggest the following:

• Sex is like pizza - it's not quite as good when you have to make it yourself
• Sex is like pizza - if you're not greedy with it, you can have some more in the morning
• Sex is like pizza - you shouldn't take it from someone without asking 
• Sex is like pizza - the longer you wait for it, the faster you finish it
• Sex is like pizza - sure, 2 for the price of 1 sounds great, but it never really lives up to your expectations.

What if you don't like pizza?

...and having it with your mom is gross.

Does this mean you do you not like sex?  I've often found myself saying things like, "how can you not like pizza?"  But I've never taken it to this next level.  When defending pizza, we tell people that it's got all four of the major food groups, it's quick and easy, it comes in a box, and it's great when you're drunk.  Don't all of these statements apply to sex too?
You know who doesn't like pizza?  My dad.  At least he says he doesn't.  When he was a younger man, he ate some pizza after too many drinks and puked up a storm.  Hasn't eaten pizza since.  But this was before I was born, so unless my real father is the milkman, then I'm pretty sure my dad likes pizza after all.
Then there's my wife, who also claims she doesn't like pizza.  I'm not even going to figure out what that suggests.  Well, she doesn't like pizza that I order out for.  She likes the pizza that's covered with things like zucchini and goat's cheese.  And really, that's hardly pizza.  And also, she likes making it herself.
(which brings us to...)

Delivery or Delissio?
Those of you who have seen my pizza rules know I'm very strict about the pizza I eat.  (Read the rules here: http://www.ryanfanclub.com/archive/guide/goodpizza.html )
Does that make me strict about sex?  Is ordering out for pizza kinda like ordering in a hooker?  If she takes longer than thirty minutes to orgasm does that mean it should be free?  Hmmm...
Some producers of frozen pizza claim their product is just as good as delivery.  Nope.  However, having sex after being out in the cold is a great way to warm up.

So, they say sex is like pizza.  And I guess for the most part it really is.  It can be gooey, hot n' spicy, or if you're a little more daring, you can stuff the crust with hot dogs.
It comes in different sizes, with different variations from all around the world, and just because you're a meat lover doesn't necessarily mean you're gay.
It can be enjoyed while watching TV, or at a party, and sometimes you sneak it in but don't want to tell anyone after.

So there.  Sex really is like pizza.

The bottom line though - neither should ever include pineapple.

There Isn't Enough Time In A Day

ooooh, it's artsy.

...there isn't enough time in a day.

Fuck that.  And fuck the people who insist on saying it.

There just isn't enough time in the day!

To do what?  What could you possibly need more than twenty-four hours to do each day?  Is your day really so packed full of going to work, raising your kids, cooking a meal, and taking a shower?  Heaven forbid you miss that newest episode of Glee!

We, as human beings, have our priorities so incredibly messed up and have put ourselves on such a high pedestal that we are actually blaming our problems now on the perceived lack of minutes and seconds magically floating around on a calendar day.

What the flippity fuck?

As far back as I can remember, an entire day has been twenty-four hours.  I'm about 99% sure that it's been that way for a few centuries now.  Something about how the sun rises and sets.  I'm not a scientist, just an observer.

Society and doctors within our society tell us that we need a good, full, eight hours of sleep each day to live a healthy, productive, and happy lifestyle.  That's great if you buy into that theory, but I personally don't know anyone who actually sleeps for eight hours on a regular basis.  Sure, you can buy a fancy new bed with all kinds of memory foam that molds to your well-fed buttocks, and will continue to mold as your fat ass keeps ingesting all those Big Macs and frozen TV dinners.  If that fancy bed doesn't work then you could always take your doctor up on that prescription to help you sleep better at night.  That's all the doctors really want from you anyway.

So if we all had a good eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, that would leave us with sixteen hours of time each day to get shit done.  Let's also knock another eight hours off of that for work.  If you only work part-time and are constantly bitching about how poor you are, then still knock off eight hours and assume five of that is for working and then actually use that extra three hours to find a job you'll be more happy with.  But you probably don't use that three hours wisely, because let's face it - you're still on the third mission of the new Call Of Duty game.  Here's a thought: join the army and GET PAID to play soldier.  Or become a professional pimp/car thief and put the GTA disc back in it's case.  It might be a great way to meet women too.

So there we have it - we have eight hours in a day to get shit done and enjoy our lives as human beings.

No, wait, we didn't take in account your commute to and from work.  And the time you eat dinner with your family.  And going to the bank.  And making love to your significant other.  And buying groceries.  And taking a big shit each day.  And actually cleaning your house. Filling up the gas tank in your car.  Reading a story to your child before bed.  Shoveling the driveway.  Mowing the lawn.  Shoveling AND mowing at the same time.  Brushing your teeth. Walking your dog.  Calling your mother.  Filing your taxes.  Taking another big shit because you eat too much fast food.

You get the point.

I know, I know... but all I wanna do when I get home is sit around and play my guitar.  I CAN'T miss the new episode of (*insert shitty reality show here*)!  I have to get my hair done.  I need to spend 90 minutes in the kitchen each day producing a well-crafted imitation of some gourmet recipe I saw on some cooking show on some stupid cooking channel because IT'S MY PASSION.  If I don't text this person right now and that person next and then text him and her and post this and tweet that and like this and favorite that I just won't be able to function!

It's called priorities, people.

Pri-fucking-orities.

I think it comes from the latin, which means "to get shit done."

And that's just it - we have lost all concept of what we need and somehow mixed in what we want and actually believe it's important to us and anyone else.

any lane.  any time.  do you have enough time for that?

And really, that's what the fast food companies want - they want us to feel like we don't have enough time in a day so we have to stop by their little "restaurants" to get a few extra value meals to fill our ever-expanding bellies.  And if you don't have enough time in your day for that, well there's also a goddam drive-thru.  Hell, you don't even need to leave your car.  Just eat it in there and toss your trash into one of the garbage cans on your route back home.  After all, you don't have enough time in the day to take out the trash.  Survivor's on tonight and you shan't miss it!

I don't even fucking drive a car and you don't hear me complaining about how much time I don't have.  This blog?  It's taken me about three days to write, off and on, because I'd rather sit on the floor with my two-year old daughter and spend thirty minutes doing some ridiculous Donald Duck jigsaw puzzle with her while the pork chops cook on the stove and I have a load of laundry in the dryer.

Priorities.

You know who really doesn't have enough time in a day?  That single mother who probably lives in your neighborhood.

I'm not talking about the stupid girl who got knocked up by her loser boyfriend that checked out before the kid's first birthday, but she keeps going back to him because she *loves* him so much even though he drinks and snorts coke and gives other girls other babies to take care of too.

No, no, I'm talking about the single mother who lost her husband tragically and now she's stuck working full-time with a part-time job on the side just to make ends meet and she barely gets to see her own kid throughout the day.  That woman would probably kill for an extra thirty minutes in a day.  She'd sell her goddam soul for one more hour added to her clock.  She's only getting five hours of sleep as it is, and she's functioning just fine.  Do you think she'd use that extra hour to watch the season finale of Dancing With The Stars?  No fucking way.  Bring out the Donald Duck puzzle for her.

There's not enough time in the day.  Jesus Christ.  You know how to fix it?  You can't just fly backwards around the world like at the end of the first Superman movie.  You don't have a DeLorean either.  Nope.  There's no easy way out, folks.  You want more time in a day?  You need to MAKE more time in a day.  And I'm not talking about creating a twenty-five o'clock here.

So go do it now, unless you think there's plenty of time for that later.

- ryan

Potty Training

playing chess is like using the potty.  or is it?

...no, no, this isn't about me teaching myself new swear words.

One of the most rewarding aspects of being a parent of a beautiful two-year old is when they start potty training.  You pretty much look at them and give them a thumbs up, as if to say, "Hey my sweet little angel, thanks for not pissing in your pants anymore."

It really dawned on me the other day when I was getting all the garbage ready to go out.  I opened up the Diaper Genie to empty the bag out.  If you aren't a parent, you may not know what a Diaper Genie is.  It's an over-price garbage can designed specifically to put dirty diapers in.  And heaven forbid if you buy the wrong bags for it.  There are Diaper Genie and Diaper Genie II bags.  Mixing it up is like trying to jam a Sonic The Hedgehog cartridge into a Super Nintendo.

If I need to explain that analogy to you, then you're reading the wrong blog.

So there I was, emptying the Diaper Genie II (yeah, that's right, I've got the modern model with built-in iPod docking station) and I noticed that there were barely any dirty diapers in it.  Maybe three or four.  "Jesus Christ!" I shouted to nobody as I realized just how much money I'd be saving in diapers this month.  Imagine dropping $58 for a box of 142 things that you were just going to pee and poo in.  Now, stop with the over-active imagination and quit imagining that Tijuana hooker that came to mind.

We're really fortunate that the wonderful people at my daughter's daycare help out with the potty training.  It's really helped in progressing it along.  Sure, the trade-off is they teach her songs about Jesus, but I can forgive that. She listens to enough Prince around the house anyway to know what good music is.  But anyway, if it weren't for the ladies at daycare, my daughter wouldn't be nearly as far along with this whole potty training thing.

So then I started reminiscing about my own potty training experiences.  My memory only goes back so far, but I do know this - I was taught how to use the potty in the living room while watching shows like Today's Special and Bowling For Dollars.  My parents got this nifty little wooden chair with a big ol' hole in the seat and they'd just sit me on it with no pants on.  I wasn't allowed to get up from that spot until I dropped a big ol' deuce into the bowl-thing that was underneath.

That might explain why whenever I go number two today I think about mannequins and mice.

If I succeeded in doing my potty business, I'd be allowed to go play with toys or continue to live.  Like I said, my memory is pretty foggy.  I actually still have that little chair.  It's about fifteen feet away from where I'm writing this in the Fan-Cave.  I guess it's just a piece of my childhood I haven't been able to part with.  I took some good shits on that chair.  Oh, the memories.

my old shittin' hole

When my daughter uses the potty she is rewarded with a Scooby-Doo sticker.  Talk about motivation!  I wish I could get a prize every time I took a good healthy crap.  Imagine if every time you went to the bathroom you got a stamp on some kind of toilet card.  Every ten stamps and you're allowed to shit in your pants and run around the neighborhood like a crazy person.

Or even better, if you were given better rewards based on your quality of excrement.

Let's supposed you had a little poo.  Bam! Sticker.  Just one measly little Scooby-Doo sticker.  Seems fair and appropriate.

But what if you had one of those really awesome bowel movements that only comes along once every couple of months?  You know the kind - it's the length of your forearm, all one piece, and contains little corn remnants in it.  That should definitely be rewarded with a strawberry milkshake or dinner for two at Beefsteak Charlies.

Messy, wet, stinky diarrhea?  You get someone's shitty leftover Hallowe'en candy.  That's right.  Your prize is one of those little toffee-like candies that all the old ladies refer to as "kisses".  Those things alone will make you eat a bit healthier so you don't squeeze out a fountain again.

The Potty Master and Myself

Wow, I kinda rambled there.

So when I went to daycare to pick up my awesome daughter - The Potty Master as she shall henceforth be known - I gave her a great big hug.  For a few reasons:
1. She's getting good at using the potty
2. Doing so is saving me money on diapers
3. I can buy more beer with the money I'm saving on diapers
4. The empties from the beer I bought with the money I'm saving on diapers is like a third income to my household

I mean, let's not kid ourselves. There's going to be some bumps along the way.  She's going to pee the bed.  It's going to happen.  Even as an adult.  Fuck, we've all done it.  We've all had that moment where we woke up all warm and wet and made a mad dash to the bathroom while holding our junk in hopes that not too much would get on the walls.

We all have, right?

...right?

And on that note, I'm outta here!  Flush me away!

A Year Without Santa?

...back in 1974, the animating team of Rankin-Bass gave us a Christmas special titled, "The Year Without A Santa Claus."  It detailed an adventure of Santa being too sick to deliver presents to all the girls and boys, so he had to stay home.  It was a neat little show with awful songs but that classic stop-motion animation that made Rudolph such a classic.  In the end, Santa is all better and Christmas goes off without a hitch the next year.  It's kind of like the year the NHLPA was on strike and the Stanley Cup was won by nobody. 

So today I'd like to take that notion of a year without Santa just a little further.  Let's assume that some other characters from our favorite Christmas specials had to take over for the jolly red man after they learned the true meaning of Christmas.  Remember that Tim Allen movie, "The Santa Clause?"  I don't remember all of it, but I'm pretty sure the jist of it is that Tim The Tool-Man Taylor kills Santa in cold blood and then has to don the red suit and sleigh and go on a murdering spree in his absence.  Let's use our imaginations...

Skeletor

Awwwww.

...there was no bigger Christmas miracle than the one realized by Skeletor.  So what did the evil lord of destruction do with his Christmas holidays after he helped He-Man defeat Horde Prime?  Well, we can only assume that Skeletor was instrumental in sending those bratty kids back to Earth.  Then, it only makes sense that he went caroling all across Eternia.  Just imagine your favorite Christmas songs, but with vocals like Axl Rose.  Then, Skelly Claus would have to deliver presents and drink hot cocoa with Granymyr.  I think it's safe to assume that Beast Man got that Easy Bake Oven he's always wanted.

Pee-Wee Herman
...when the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas special ends, we're left we seeing Pee-Wee flying off to help Santa Claus deliver all those presents.  But what happened after that?  I have a striking feeling that when Mr. Herman returned to the Playhouse, he had a new found respect for what Santa does.  But knowing Pee-Wee, he probably had all of his guests start prepping for the next Holiday Season.  We're talking slave labor here.  Hell, he practically had to stop a union from forming with Frankie & Annette.  Couldn't you just see Miss Yvonne sewing purses by the hundreds?  Or Cowboy Curtis painting toy train sets for all the little boys?  If there's anything I'm certain of, it's that Pee-Wee Herman could bring order and procedure to the Holidays.

Know what I mean?

Ernest P. Worrell
...we actually know what Ernest did after his antics in Ernest Saves Christmas.  He went to jail, got scared stupid, and even went to Africa.  But what about the little girl, Harmony, who learned the real value of Christmas?  If we go the darker route, and assume that people never truly change (even those truly touched by Christmas miracles) then we have to believe in our heart of hearts that she went back to living on the streets, selling her body for Canadian Tire money, and doing smack.  Which brings us to...

Rob Ford
...okay, let's be honest here... I'm just throwing this in here because everyone else is making Rob Ford jokes and I want to be one of the cool kids too.  Something about crack... lying... videos... the Toronto Maple Leafs still suck... whatever.  Let's laugh and move on.

Charlie Brown
...after Charlie Brown is taught the true meaning of Christmas from Linus, the two of them embark on a journey of going door-to-door to teach everyone else all about the events of December 25th.  Eventually they realize they're just as bad as Jehovah's Witnesses and decided to go hunting a great pumpkin instead.

Mr. Grinch

"...and this is how all the good whos go poo-poo."

....sometimes miracles can go too far.  The Grinch went from evil, maniacal, madman to Whoville's hero in a matter of hours.  Sure, he returned their Who-bonkers and their Who-crackers, and then he carved the roast beast (oh yes, that seemingly magical animal that never diminishes no matter how many slices you take off).  But then what?  Well, the Grinch could have only been so fueled with Christmas cheer that he made every day like Christmas Day.  Every day those little Whos would open their mailboxes to find Christmas cards.  And presents.  And eggnog.  But the final straw would be the day that the Grinch invited all the local Whos to sit on his lap.  And that would result in his exile from Whoville.  Forever.

So there we have it folks.  A look into "what might have been" territory.  So let's try our best to just cherish our favorite Christmas specials for what they are, and not what they eventually would have become.

- ryan

Top 11 Superhero Movies

It's not an "S".  It's actually a $.

... you may remember that I did a little list like this way back in 2008, when my website was still pink.  You can still see it (and the worst) at: http://www.ryanfanclub.com/archive/top11bestsuper.html

But that was then, and this is now.  Much has changed, including my opinion of several of those "top" films.  Looking back, I can't believe I ever liked Superman Returns as much as I did.  So here's a brand-new list of the Top 11 Super-Hero Movies.  There's also been an onslaught of new super-flicks in the last five years, and that makes the competition even stronger. 

*I think it's important to point out that I'm reflecting specifically on super-heroes here and not comic books in general.  For instance, V For Vendetta should surely be on the Top 11 Comic Book Movies list but it's not a super-hero flick.

Here we go.

11. The Incredible Hulk
No, no, no.  Not the one directed by Ang Lee.  This is the one with Edward Norton.  You know, Edward "Everything I Do Is Fucking Awesome" Norton.  Norton is such a good actor that he legitimately made us care about his Bruce Banner and the beast inside.  And that's really the first rule of story telling.  Make us care.  The fight scene at the end between the Hulk and that monster was really cool too.  This was just an all-around enjoyable superhero film.

10. The Amazing Spider-Man
It only took four movies for them to finally get it right.  I'm a big fan of the first Tobey Maguire movie, and I sincerely did enjoy the third one with Venom, but Spider-Man 2 bored the pants off me.  And then just a couple years ago they restarted the franchise.  The Lizard was awesome, Emma Stone is great in anything she does, and Peter Parker was actually a character you could relate with - which is what he always was in the comics anyway.  I really hope they make more to this series. 

Why so serious?

9. The Crow
You can pretty much thank this film noir from the early 90s for the gained interest in comics by independent publishers.  The Crow, often overshadowed by the on-screen death of star Brandon Lee, was the alternative superhero movie.  You can also say that because of the Crow we were also forced to sit through Judge Dredd, Tank Girl, and Spawn during the 90s.  At it's heart The Crow is a love story in a very grim world.  And that's the beauty of it.  Budding rock star Eric Draven and his new bride are murdered (she's raped too) and he returns from the dead to hunt down the gang members that caused their demise.  Amid all the drugs, gangs, violence, and rain, a dark hero emerges for vengeance.  Along the way of claiming vengeance, he makes friends with a little girl and Ernie Hudson.  Who wouldn't want to be friends with Ernie Hudson? Nobody, that's who.

8. Superman: The Movie
It's the movie that defined a genre.  Really, every other superhero movie owes their existence to Richard Donner's Superman. You can talk at lengths about Christopher Reeve's performance, and you can rave about John Williams' musical score, but there isn't just one piece to this puzzle.  Superman succeeds purely on charm, delivered by the ensemble cast.  The flick chronicles Superman's life, from Krypton through Smallville, and into Metropolis where he does battle with the land-hungry Lex Luthor.

We are family!

7. The Incredibles
I really wanted to avoid putting any animated features into this list (it pains me deeply to omit Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm), but there's simply no denying just how wonderful Pixar's The Incredibles is.  If you've ever been a fan of superheroes, there's something in this movie for you.  It's cheesy and often tongue-in-cheek and doesn't take itself overly seriously, but at the same time treats the medium and subject matter with the utmost respect.  I'd love to see a live action version.  That would be unstoppable.

6. Marvel's The Avengers
There's not much else to say about a movie that made a butt-load of money at the box office and on DVD.  Oh wait, they did it with a bunch of second-string Marvel characters.  Just goes to show that if you make a superhero movie aimed at children, you'll hit the nail on the head.

5. Man Of Steel
It's still relatively new, but what Man Of Steel has done is make Superman accessible and relevant to modern day audiences.  This is hands down the most intelligent Superman film made yet.  Looking at Kal-El as an alien on Earth from the perspective of humans is what makes this film so believable.  You want to see Kal win and save the day, just so he can fit in with the rest of us... even if he never truly will.

Act now and get these steak knives!

4. X2: X-Men United
You might think topping the first X-Men flick would be pretty tough, but Bryan Singer managed to make one of the best action movies I've ever seen with X2.  Sure, it's mostly a Wolverine story, but it's way better than any of his own films.  And Rogue is pretty sexy, let's not forget that.  What Singer did with this movie was pretty simple: stick to the source material and give the fans what they want to see on the big screen.  I'm actually disappointed in myself for waiting for this one on DVD for a first viewing.

3. The Dark Knight
It was the best of the Nolan trilogy, riding completely on the performances of the Joker, Commissioner Gordon, and Harvey Dent.  People often say that there wasn't enough Batman in Batman Returns, but with The Dark Knight our hero doesn't even really need to be in the movie.  This is a Joker movie, and admit it to yourself, he's the reason you went to see it. The Joker has never been quite as menacing, or even frightening, as he is in The Dark Knight  and it's a darn shame we didn't get him in the third movie.

It's not an "S". Where I'm from it's saran wrap.

2. Superman II
I might be a little biased because it's my favorite movie of all-time, but what premise could be better than Superman going toe-to-toe with three Kyrptonian baddies who all have the same powers (and some new ones invented for the movie) that he does?  They throw a bus at the Man of Steel for Christ's sake.  That was awesome in 1981 and it still is today.  I'm not going to say which version of the movie is better - there was also a director's cut released about five years ago - but neither of them are the same movie. So many other super-hero movies have followed the format of Superman II.  A few years back, Spider-Man 2 was regarded as the greatest super-hero movie ever made and yet few people mentioned how it was pretty much a clone of Superman II.  Think about it: The hero wants to be with a girl he loves, loses his powers, the bad guys take over, and the hero has to get his powers back to save the day and then ultimately choose the rest of the world over the one person he loves more than any other.

1. Batman Returns

Robin eats yellow snow.

This installment of the Bat-Franchise has gotten too much flack over the years.  Some said it was too dark for children.  Others said there just wasn't enough Batman in it.  But if you look a little closer, you'll see that Batman's psyche is actually divided between the three villains in the movie.  The Penguin is the lonely child in search of his lost parents.  Catwoman is the dual personality that wants to lead a normal life but feels the need to put on a mask at night.  And Max Shreck is the billionaire tycoon.  Put them all together and you've got Batman.  And in Tim Burton's second film of the series, he has Batman do battle with all three sides of himself.  I used to think that Returns was just a Tim Burton flick that so happened to feature Batman from time to time, but then I picked up on the subtlety of it all.  Visually, the movie is leaps and bounds ahead of it predecessor or any movies that followed it.  Michael Keaton continued being perfect in the bat-suit too.  Danny Elfman's score evolved from the first round into something more twisted and bone-chilling.  If comic books are a medium that are often misunderstood by those who aren't die-hard fans, then Batman Returns is the perfect representation of that medium on the big screen.

And there you have it!  Who's to say what my opinion will be in another five years.  Maybe I'll pick Batman & Robin as the number one movie of all-time.

- ryan

Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2013

 
...before you know it Christmas will be here.  It's that time of year when we all greedily ask for as much loot as possible.  We give gifts, we get gifts, and we ultimately hope that the crappy stuff still has a UPC code on it so we can take it back anywhere in hopes of store credit.  Every year someone gives me a pair of pajama pants that I'd never wear and I exchange them for some useful socks or underwear.  And don't try to say, "it's the thought that counts," because if you don't do the same thing then you find yourself putting those gifts into a box for donation to the Salvation Army.  Admit it, I'm right.

I'm at the point in my life where if I want something, I just go get it.  If I want Man Of Steel on Blu-Ray, I just go buy it.  In the mood for a beer?  I go get one.  Got a hole in my socks?  I'll just grab a few pair while I'm buying groceries.

So every year I put together my Christmas Wish List, asking for things that I wouldn't just be able to pick up on my way home.  Some things have actually come true - the Ruby Spears Superman show on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup for the Boston Bruins - buy I'm still waiting to see Bionic Six on DVD.  And of course, the ever eluding...

Uncle Jesse doll - this is the last year.
...every year, at the very top of my list, is always the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll.  Yes, this thing exists.  In the early 90s you could either get Uncle Jesse on his own, or in a collection with Aunt Becky and the twins.  There's also a pack that features Danny and the girls.  Honestly, I'd like to have the entire collection of these things, but the rockin' Uncle Jesse doll is truly the holy grail of them all.  I've been hyping this toy up for years and years, and I'd surely take it with me wherever I went.  Just like I was a little girl again.
However, as a grown man now, I feel it's time that 2013 is the make-it-or-break-it year for the Uncle Jesse doll.  I've been a good boy all these years.  So I've come to one simple conclusion: If I don't get an Uncle Jesse doll this year, then there really is no Santa Claus.  I hate to be so extreme, but this could really be a life-changing lesson.  So, if you the reader truly believe in Christmas miracles, you'll find some way to help make this happen.
Note: There was a mail-away Joey Gladstone doll too.
See the whole Tanner family here - http://twinsonline.tripod.com/pictures/family.jpg

Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool on Blu-Ray
...if you've never seen this movie, it's really quite a gem.  I have it on VHS and at one point I converted it to DVD for myself and a few friends who share my appreciation of it.  In little segments, Mr. T teaches us about being ourselves - including saying no to drugs, being frustrated, not being a little fat kid, and how to treat our mothers right.  Hell, there's even a music video featuring Bobby Brown and New Edition.  This flick truly needs the hi-definition treatment.  There could be a second disc that features a remastered soudtrack, as well as a Mr. T commentary track, and a "Where Are They Now?" segment focusing on what those kids are doing today.  Naturally, this 3-disc set would also include a standard definition DVD and digital download, and a 48-page full-color booklet with many behind the scenes photos.  The Best Buy exclusive edition could come with a poster or a Mr. T action figure.
Never seen it?  Check it out here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv0m1YzRu4M

The Real Guns N' Roses Back Together
...Slash... Axl... Dufff... that's really what the world needs right now.  I know it will NEVER happen, and that's why it would be a true Christmas miracle.  Sure, there's also the part of me that knows GnFnR are the greatest rock band of all time because of the way they burnt out before they could fade away.  That's part of what makes us still think so fondly of them.  They never had a "Fat Elvis" phase, or the "touring the greatest hits for 9 years" tour.  So maybe what we need is for the powers that be to unearth some rare, unreleased tracks from the Gunners.  That might be the best we'd ever get.  And it would still be awesome.
Something like this, maybe? - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfG87P7SEAg

Masters Of The Universe #12
...I had this comic when I was eight years old.  It was pretty fucking epic.  Skeletor has taken over Eternia and Castle Greyskull.  He-Man is nowhere to be found, and thus pronounced dead.  The rest of the Masters of the Universe have to try and reclaim Eternia, and hopefully bring back He-Man!
You can read it here -http://www.he-man.org/publishing/item.php?id=474


And that's that!  I don't ask for much.

- ryan

Top 11 Things To (Not) Say At A Wedding

... before I'm reminded that it's been forever and a day since I've done a Top 11 list, here's the Top 11 Things To (Not) Say At A Wedding...  I'll let you use your own judgement when opening your mouth.

...weddings always make me cry wolf.

11. "Always a bridesmaid and never a bride, huh?  Probably 'cause the bride don't sit around getting all fat n' sweaty while watching Maury Povich all day!"

10. (in response to that question of 'do you take fucktard to be your lawfully wedded whatever"...) "What does the fox say?????"

9. "Yes!  Yes!  I goddam love this song!  Fucking awesome!  Baby, let's dance! ... What?  ... What first dance?... Their...?  No fucking way!  This was the song we danced to at our wedding!  It was our song first!... It wasn't? ... My first wife...?  Well, fuck it!  I goddam love Air Supply!"

8. "Yeah, sure, right now she's like mint in package.  Ain't nobody opened her up and played with her yet.  But give it time, I tells ya, pretty soon those elbow joints won't be so stiff and her arms are just gonna hang there.  And then you won't be able to find her accessories anymore.  She'll end up in some cardboard box at a yard sale."

7. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Herman Hendezelbengerstein!"

6. ""Can I have the vegan option?"

5. "Who fucking gets married on Columbus Day?  Fuck this shit!  I've got a case of beer in the trunk that's in need of my lips!"

4. "If they get up the next morning, all married and stuff, and he finds her eating frogs in the bathroom, he's gonna be super pissed."

Greatest.  Couple.  Ever.

3. "You know, that WAS going to be my dress.  But then my fiance left me for another woman.  Then, I got a tongue ring and he took me back.  Then he left me for another woman again.  Not the same woman.  I guess that would be another another woman.  I can't keep track of them all.  Anyway, so I got this sweet boob job done for him.  I had a coupon.  And he took me back.  Then he left me for a dude.  That dude already had a tongue ring, and then got a boob job done.  The difference?  He paid full price.  And really, neither of our new boobs would have fit into that dress.  So I gave it to the other other other woman that he left the dude he left me for."

2. Wait, before you put the ring on me... lemme grab my phone... gonna instagram this shit!"

1. "If every word I said, could make you laugh... I'd talk forever.  I'd ask the sky just what we had.  It showed forever.  Forever.  Forever.  I've been so happy loving you.  Let the love I have for you live in your heart and be forever.  Forever.  Forever.  I'll be so happy loving you.  And a tomato is a fruit, not a vegetable."

So there you have it.  Get married!  It's fun AND you get presents!

- ryan

Fifteen Fu**ing Years!

Holy smokes, as my daughter would day... it's been fifteen years now since I started the Ryan Fan Club.

I've never been too sure of the exact day this whole shenanigan began (even though I credit it as October 5th in the documentary "Behind The Fan Club") but it's sometime around this time of the year.  I don't think I really need to get into the specifics about how all of this was just a joke that backfired.  I mean, I've friggin' rambled about that enough.  Long story short though, for those of you that are a little newer - I made a sly comment about starting my own fan club... people joined... I've been doing it now for far too long.  And really, there's not sign of me stopping.

Seriously.  I tried retiring in 2011 and couldn't keep myself away.

So rather than some formal trip down memory lane, I'd thought I'd just remind a few of you - and myself - of some of the defining moments of the last fifteen years. 

This also helps me cope with any signs of Alzheimer's I may be experiencing.

The truly odd part of it all is how I've really been working backwards.  I always said I wanted to be famous for doing nothing.  Ever since then, I've actually been doing projects to try and justify why I even have this fan club.  Pretty deep, eh?  Deep like an old French-Canadian vagina.

1998 - an awesome dude named Stephen Desrosiers was the first person to sign up for the Ryan Fan Club, and with that moment, there was no turning back... for any of us.

1999 - I presented the first ever RFC Awards for awesome fans.  I then celebrated with a road trip that left me stranded on the 401 highway and found myself sleeping in some Goodyear Tires office.

1999 - I was with some buddies (Adam and Brian) at the mall and there was this cute girl named Chelsea working at the music store.  I asked my buddies to show her their RFC membership card (yes, those existed for a time being) and inquire if they got a discount for using it.  She was confused of course.  So I explained who I was.  More confusion.  So we left and bumped into a couple girls who were Ryan-Fans.  I then asked them to go to the music store and show off their membership cards and ask for a discount.  Two days later I opened my e-mail and the lovely Chelsea had joined my fan club.  True story.  Awesome.

1999 - It was a crazy summer that saw me pen the first version of my autobiography, film a terrible movie called "1987",  begin The Adventures of Ryan comic strip, release an RFC Yearbook for the fans, and write the Top Ten Mis-Uses of the word 'Vagina'.

1999 - www.ryanfanclub.com launched, and within weeks I was banned from my own website.  Eventually, I figured out what I was doing with computers.

2000 - I took a several month hiatus from the RFC, but tried being all artsy by passing it off as inner conflict between me and my publishers... but I self-published everything, which was really confusing to everyone, and all the fans just kinda thought I was full of shit.  It was a dark time for the rebellion. But I got laid a lot.  Somewhere in all this mess was the Inside-Outside Penis Fiasco from a few blog entries ago.

2001 - I cut off the crazy long hair and started publishing the monthly Ryan Fan Club 'Zine, which ran for over five years.

2002 - I consumed alcohol for 16 hours straight with Chris Morris to celebrate St. Patty's Day.  We became soul mates.

2002 - On a last minute whim I wrote some songs with my buddy Crofton and we played them at Glennstock.  We weren't booed offstage, and those songs became the foundation for an album the next year.  With growing interest in the RFC 'Zine and website, the Fan Club had a resurgence in popularity that exceeded what was happening in '99-00.  I got laid more than ever before. Actually, much of 2002 is a blur to me.  That summer I also met the woman I would take as my first wife.  She's still my only wife, but I feel the need to refer to her as my first wife.

2003 - I recorded my very first CD, titled "Bacon & Eggs".  Instead of doing normal promotion, I made a sign that said, "I love Ryan with all my heart" and had as many people on the street pose with it as I could find.

2004 - For the 6th anniversary of the RFC, I wanted to do something extra special.  After years of toying with the idea, I finally hosted a Fan Appreciation Day.  I barbequed meat for my fans, gave out random prizes, performed songs live for them, then got drunk on cheap beer called Wee Willy (fitting, right?) with them until I barfed like a champ for them. I love my fans from the bottom of my heart.  And stomach.

2005 - On Valentine's Day I received a random phone call from the girlfriend of one of my biggest fans.  She said she was far too poor to actually buy her man a present, but somehow justified paying the long distance charges to call me from Japan.  Anyway, she asked me if, as a gift for the love of her life, I would have a conversation with him.  Of course I agreed to it.  I never told them, but I was having a bubble bath for the entire conversation.  Those two lovers eventually got married, and are still together today.

2005 - My friends Dave and Steve came over for a 24-hour Full House marathon.  We seriously watched the entire first season, including the rare original pilot that had a different Danny Tanner.  I drank myself sober.  It was divine.

2006 - For my third CD ("New Ditty"), I decided to give away a free copy of my song "I Have A Penis" in the RFC 'Zine.  It was a way to let everyone know just how messed up and bizarre my creativity was getting.  The song itself was catchy and loved by everyone who heard it.  You know you love it.  Thanks to Crofton and Johnny San, we created a wacky sound that was kinda infectious.

2007 - I created two big events that year: Pub War and Coffee War.  The second one would actually change my life.  Also that year, I recorded the "Impotence To The Max!" CD with Johnny San.  Unlike the last album, nobody but me and Johnny enjoyed Impotence very much.

2008 - Got married. Honeymooned on the west coast.

2009 - Still disappointed in how the Impotence CD ended up, I recorded "Friggidy Ding-Dong" all by myself.  It was 12 of the silliest, most experimental songs I've ever done, and it's also the most highly regarded of any of my creative projects (except for the 'Zine, which truly was the crowning jewel on the head of Ryan).

2010 - I filmed the documentary "Behind The Fan Club" and  re-united with many fans from over the years for interviews.

2011 - I became a daddy and retired from the RFC.  That retirement lasted a whole six months.

2012 - "Untitled Album" became my 6th album, and my first one available on iTunes.

2013 - I said in my blog that I'd remind my fans of just a few great moments in RFC lore, then went on to ramble way too much as usual.

The end?  Nice try, mother fucker!

- ryan

The Scariest Movie I've Ever Seen

The year was 1999.  Or maybe it was 1998.  That doesn't really matter, does it?

Before we all had cell phones and easily accessible internet info, we used to discover legends on our own.  Two friends of mine, Adam and Rob, were really into horror movies.

I wasn't.

Not that I scared easily or anything, but when it came to horror movies I was kind of a little bitch.  Ask my wife about how I had to watch Freddy Kruger at 1pm with all the lights on.

My friends and I used to go for walks everywhere, and usually we ended up at Jumbo Video (a Canadian video superstore like Blockbuster used to be except there are still a couple Jumbos open in a few places).  Adam and Rob would always want to check out the horror section and I'd tag along, always suggesting we sneak into the back porno room instead.  They'd look at these really horrendously stupid horror movies and crack jokes about the titles, the covers, and just how bad the movies looked.

It dawned on me that they actually liked them for how bad they were.  That's when I stumbled on this odd looking VHS tape - Sleepaway Camp.  Yes, I said VHS... long before we had Blu-Rays and DVDs we had to watch movies on VHS tapes.  We even had to be kind and rewind.

I picked up the tape and suggested they check it out.  It looked really bad.  Really cheesy.  In fact, I remember Adam saying something along the lines of how bad camp slashers were and that this one in particular almost looked too bad for even him to watch.  Now, Adam does have shitty taste in movies, but when it comes to bad horror movies I'll give him all the credit that is due.  He's 99.9% right most of the time.

It actually took us a few more visits to Jumbo Video before we rented Sleepaway Camp.  That same night I was given a VHS of Ultimate Warrior wrestling matches, but was warned that the previous owner may have recorded porn over it.  Either way, I was ready to be entertained.

We took the Sleepaway Camp video to Adam's house with a vast array of snacks that included Pepsi, chips, dip, doritos, popcorn, and probably chocolate bars. 

The movie is pretty cheesy, and almost too hard to watch at times.  It centers around a young girl named Angela, who is sent to camp with her cousin Ricky.  Ricky's the man, and he's protective of Angela because she's really quiet and awkward and all the pretty girls pick on her.  Then people start dying.  Mind you, they start dying in neat creative ways.  A poor teenage girl gets her curling iron shoved up her vagina while being murdered.  The camp's cook has a large pot of boiling water dumped on him, and the police give their expert opinion that he was "badly burned to death".

More and more campers die and we're left wondering who could be the murderer.  The flick actually does a pretty good job of keeping us guessing until we have a flashback to Angela's childhood and all is revealed.

...And I'm not about to give the ending to this movie away.  Watch it for yourself.  It WILL change your life.

We were in so much shock that we tossed on the Ultimate Warrior video to try and relax our nerves.  Then I realized it might really be porn, and none of us were in the mood to see a naked woman after Sleepaway Camp.  Luckily, the Ultimate Warrior defeated Papa Shango for our viewing pleasure.

None of us looked at a woman the same for weeks after, and even as we walked home from Adam's house we were afraid of what girls might jump out of the bushes and kill us with their "weapon".  We also began telling everyone we knew that they had to watch it just for the ending.  And we all vowed never to date a girl named Angela, just in case.

Sleepaway Camp has two sequels that are even cheesier but don't deliver the same shock.  Watch them only if you want to say you've seen them all.

- ryan

(*On a side note, Sleepaway Camp isn't really the scariest movie I've ever seen.  That was The Ring, which kept me awake for almost two weeks straight afterwards because I was so scared that I nearly shit myself like a little bitch.  But Sleepaway Camp holds a very special place in my heart.)

"Ay yo, Angela!"

There's Not Enough Love In The World

...here's a new poem called "There's Not Enough Love In The World". If you don't like it or you find it offensive, then you probably don't get the joke. Or maybe you just need a hug.

There's Not Enough Love In The World
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

There's not enough love in the world
To go around
So you'll just have to do without
There ain't enough love, you see
You're just bound
To be alone forever, no doubt
It's because you're kind of ugly
And your eyes point different ways
You're about seven times more chubby
Than in your younger days
(Like, when you were only a couple months old
Don't get mad, it's just what I've been told)
And now you feel like something I just hurled
Because there's not enough love in this world

There's not enough love in the world today
There's only so much and most of it's taken
You'll probably die while masturbating
To the sound of your heart breakin'
Is it because you were snobby
To what that girl was wearing?
And your favorite hobby it seems
Is standing behind deaf people and swearing
("Fuck you, you fucking dumb deaf chick
Why don't you learn to hear and suck my dick")
And everyone stared while you sweared and swirled
(Swore, whatever, that doesn't rhyme though)
And you're stuck with no love from the world

There's not enough love in the world, okay?
It's been used up
By people who actually deserve it
Okay, it went to those who got there first
But try not to be down, cheer up
And for next time, you should probably reserve it
Except there's only one shot, one thirst
So you might want to consider suicide
Because the best just ain't yet to come
And you'll only be tossed aside
Apparently you're dumber than dumb
(...okay, can't really prove those cliches
it's not like we have access to your grades)
So let's recap just to drive you crazy
You're ugly and stupid and fat and lazy
And no one could possibly love you today
Because the world's all out of love
You can continue to probe
But there's not enough love on the globe
So just face facts
There's not enough love in the world

Suck it up.

Ghosts of Hallowe'en Past

Hallowe'en is only a week or so away, so I thought we'd all take a look at the costumes I've worn over the years.  Unfortunately, not all of them were photographed.

 

Superman ...a Rag Doll 

Would you believe I've actually dressed up as Superman on Hallowe'en more times than any other costume?  Yeah, it's true.  Probably about six or seven times.  That picture of me as a rag doll might not actually be from Hallowe'en.  You see, my sister used to just dress me up all the time and take pictures of me.

  

Steven Tyler from Livin' On The Edge (with Steve Desrosiers and Brendon Smity) ...the Ultimate Warrior

That half-black and half-white paint job didn't go over so well at my high school.  They didn't know what kind of statement I was making and I had to explain that I was mimicking Steven Tyler. Don't believe me?  Check this out.

  

Prince (with Riot)

  

Johnny Depp (Dana is Supergirl)

 

The Count, ah ah ah (with two sexy pirates) 

  

Prince Adam.... Super Dave Osborne 

Sometimes my costumes only make sense to me.  Kinda like my music.  The year I dressed up as Prince Adam was one of those years.  Those who recognized the costume really liked it, but I must have been asked about fifty times that day if I was Ellen Degeneres.  It was a similar experience with my Super Dave Osborne costume (which is hands down the best costume I've ever done) but so many people thought I was Evel Kenevel.  

  

Cobra Commander... Bret The Hitman Hart 

I didn't dress up last year, but this year I have a pretty sweet Slash costume planned.  Don't worry, when the pictures are ready you'll see it.

The Inside-Outside Penis Fiasco

... I can't believe I've never blogged about this before, especially considering it's one of the great stories of RFC lore.

...me in the year 2000.  Yep, look at the hair...

Let's bring it on back now to September of the year 2000.  Y2K was done.  The world didn't explode.  And the Artist Formerly Known As Prince had just become the Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince because he changed his name back.

So there you have it.  2000 was a big year for big stories.  And here's mine:

I was working in a University cafeteria, washing dishes for just a little bit more than minimum wage.  They gave me free meals and made me wear a hairnet.  I had been doing this job for about two years and was pretty efficient at it.  That dish room was fucking hot.  The machine that washed the dishes was about fifteen feet long, and one dude would put the dishes in one end and they'd come out clean on the other.  I was usually stationed at one of those two ends.

So there I was one random Monday night, loading dirty dishes into the machine when I started to feel a little queasy.  Lightheaded.  Possibly puke-ish.  The old man working the clean end, Ignacio was his name, got me some water and a peppermint candy.  I kept doing my job.  The thing about those dish rooms, is if you're short one person then you're pretty much fucked for the entire night.  I started blinking profusely like I was going to pass out and thought I felt a little weird down there.  You know, the place where the manscaping takes place.  I excused myself to the washroom to see what was going on.  I pulled up to the urinal, unzipped, gazed down, and nearly fainted.

Something was really wrong with my dick.

Now, at the risk of giving too much info away, I don't exactly have a usual shaped penis.  Bear with me here, because this is actually important to the story.  I was never circumcised, and I have an extra fleshy part at the tip... but not right on the tip.  It's more like a hook.  Or an alan key.  Actually, I've always compared it to one of those toy ducks that drinks water.  Some of my closest friends actually call me Duck Dick.

Here.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk71GY02diY Use your imagination.

But back to the problem at hand.  There was something really wrong with my duck.  I have a really good grasp on what it "normally" looks like, and this wasn't it.  Can you imagine what thoughts were going through my head at this point?  Allow me to share:

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

And then I vomited into the urinal.  Not sure who had to clean it up that night, but I'm really sorry about that. 

I went right to my boss' office, stunned and at a loss for words.
"Hi Ryan.  What can I do for you?"
"Hospital... I'm going to the hospital... now, I think..."
"What's the matter?
"...uh.... something...?"
"Something?"
"I think... something's wrong... with my.... uh...."

I had a female boss, and she was a very nice lady.  If my boss were a dude I would have just blurted it out.  Call me sexist if you want, but you try to say "penis" to a woman of authority and tell me how it goes.  So I just gestured toward my crotch instead.   I don't remember what she said, but I practically flew to the hospital.  Luckily, the hospital was only a block and a half away from my work.

The emergency room is not a fun place.  The first thing you see when you walk in is everyone else waiting to see a doctor and you immediately start to wonder how long you'll be waiting to get looked at.  As far as I was concerned, my penis was practically being sucked into another dimension by an evil demonic force.  But before I could see a doctor, I had to deal with the triage nurse.

"What's the problem?"
"Something's wrong with my dick."
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, my penis."
"No, no, what's wrong with it?"
"It doesn't look right.  It feels weird.  And I'm very lightheaded."

She looked at me as though I'd never had an erection before.

"What do you mean by, it doesn't look right?"
"Well, to begin with it doesn't look right.  But for me, it really doesn't look right."

Another odd look.
So I grabbed her pen and drew her a before and after picture.  Right on my admission form.

"Wait.  This is what your penis is supposed to look like?"
"Can I please just see a doctor?"

I wasn't in the waiting room long, but long enough to phone my father and let him know that I may be dead by morning.  My dad rushed down for moral support because that's what guys do for each other.  If one of my best buds called me up to say he was bleeding from his dick or he thought his dick was falling off, I'd be there in a heartbeat.  I'd make fun of him later for it, but I'd be there when he needed me.

The doctor had me take off my pants and underwear, and he was accompanied by some student interns.  Great.  There's something wrong with my dick and two pretty nursing students are going to get an eyeful of it.  Okay, okay, I'm giving myself too much credit.  They'd only get half an eyeful at best.

The doctor went on to explain that my foreskin had pushed it's way down the shaft of my penis, and that's why it was looking so weird.  I kept waiting for him to say that it was a pretty common thing, but nope.  That never happened.  The look on his face was suggesting that he didn't know what he'd gotten himself into that night.  I completely avoided any kind of eye contact with the hot nursing students.  If I had been circumcised this would have never happened.  Imagine wearing a long sleeved shirt and pushing the sleeves up to your elbows.  That was my penis.

Yep, my muscle of love was completely exposed.  My penis was inside-out.  I don't think it's possible to feel any more naked than that.

The doc looked at it for a bit then handed me a big thing of gauze.  "Bit down on this.  Hard."
Before I could ask why he was yanking my foreskin back up my penis shaft.  I made a noise I had never made before.  "Please, try to keep it down.  You might frighten the other patients."  He actually asked me to try and not scream as he was pretty much giving me the worst tug-job of all time.  He yanked again and I vomited a bit in my mouth but somehow managed to swallow it back down.

"There.  All done."
"...um... no.  There's usually a little more."
"What do you mean?"

He clearly didn't look at the before and after picture I had given the triage nurse.  That's when I reached down and gave a little tug to put my hook back into place.  It was the least painful part of the entire experience.

When I asked the doctor how this all happened to me, he couldn't give me a straight answer.  He'd never seen it before, but gave me some bullshit about moisture and heat and maybe I leaned up against something the wrong way.

....?

He then went on to say that I should give that extra bit of foreskin a little pull a few times a day, just to make sure it was feeling right.  Yep, the way I see it, the doctor (a certified medical practitioner) suggested I spend more time playing with my penis.  I should've asked him to write me a note.

I went home, watched a few minutes of WWF Raw and went to bed.  The next day at work was a little awkward, and whenever anyone would ask about what happened to me the night before I told them straight up that my penis had turned inside out.  When the pretty girls I worked with asked, I added in that I was lucky to be alive.

What's really funny though, is how a couple weeks later I received a cheque in the mail for $13.86.  Apparently, one of those forms I'd filled out with the triage nurse was related to worker's compensation and I was reimbursed for my time away from work.  So in essence, I was paid almost fourteen bucks to get the worst hand-job of all time.

I'm such a whore.

- ryan