So here we go again this year.
An Uncle Jesse
... this would be a friggin' Christmas miracle. Every year I put the Uncle Jesse doll on the very top of my Christmas list, and I have yet to have any mercy in my stocking. So I got to thinking about it, and maybe Santa doesn't feel comfortable with giving me a "doll". So henceforth, I'm calling it an Uncle Jesse Action Figure. That sounds way cooler, and I can tell all the girls at school he has "Have Mercy Grip". People used to ask me why I wanted a Jesse A Passionate Evening With Mrs. Claus
... it's never been a secret that I think Jessica Claus, from the classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" cartoon, is a total babe. Totally.
Wouldn't it therefore be awesomely great to be magically transformed into a stop/go animation puppet so I could make sweet love to Mrs. Claus right before she meets that Kringle ginger? It would require a time machine to get to the start of the movie, and a brand new invention known as the "Rankin-Bassinator-3000" - a machine that could turn me into a puppet.
Once there, I'd show up with a nice bottle of white wine, a cassette tape of Barry White's Greatest Hits, and step-by-step directions on how to jump up and down afterwards to avoid pregnancy. After all, I don't want to alter history and mess up Christmas for everyone else.
Spend a Day With Peter Cullen, Prank Calling All My Friends...I could just imagine the look on my friends' faces when they answer their phone to hear Optimus Prime saying, "Hey Scott, Ironhide and I are going downtown for a couple pints to celebrate us fucking up Megatron's evil plan. Now let's roll out."
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Autobiography on CD, read by an Arnold Impersonator
... the awesomeness of this just goes without saying. I bet my friend Dustin would do a great job of it too.
What do you want for Christmas?
