Menage A Moi

Wanna hear the brand new RFC song, "Menage A Moi"?

I bet you do!  But you're gonna have to wait just a little longer, my pretty monkeys.
But for now, you can check out the lyrics to the tune...

MENAGE A MOI

She's still delicate
I'm her degenerate
She hurries up and makes me wait
She's so funky, yeah
I'm so her junkie yeah
She's the master and the bait

Chorus:
Menage a moi
All alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself and I
And we're thinkin' of you
Menage a moi
Baby, if you presume
Menage a moi
Take away my blues

Dammit, so denied
She makes me suicide
A little pleasure with the pain
She gimme temperature
She's my new venture
And when she smirks I go insane

Chorus

My mama told me that I'd meet a girl like you
But nobody ever said what you'd put me through
So I'll just close my eyes until the day you see
And I'll see your face
Again and again and again

She's still delicate
I'm just a pirate
She hurries up and makes me wait

Chorus

A little heavy petting never hurt anyone
Just put out what you're getting and never hurt anyone
Just some fun in the sun
And never hurt anyone, no no no

She always scream n' shout
So I took her sister out
She told me I could go and fuck myself

An update on new music...

I knew 2012 was going to be a great year.

For those who haven't pieced it together yet, I'm working on new songs.

They're sounding much different than anything I've done before.  It's totally the opposite spectrum from Friggidy Ding-Dong.  Yesterday I finished the vocals to a song called "Menage A Moi", which you can probably figure out from the title... there's some swaggering guitar in there and some catchy sounds that I'm referring to as "hooker-bass".

Seriously, it's so catchy you'll need penicillin.

This week's focus will be finishing that song and arranging the lyrics for a tune called "Bootleg Me". 

Fuck, it's a great time to be me.

Top 11 Star Wars Spoofs

May the farce be with you?
I ain't gonna waste a lot of time with introductions on this one.  You know why you're here.  So, here they come!

Family Guy Trilogy

11. The Family Guy Trilogy
I'm not gonna say much about this one because it already gets a lot of publicity.  I personally don't enjoy the Family Guy TV show, but their Star Wars specials are goddam funny.  I do hope they make spoofs of the prequel trilogy too.  There's a lot to work with there.

10. Troops
One of the earliest funny videos on the internet, Troops was a parody of both Star Wars and COPS at the same time.  Fucking brilliant.


9. Thumb Wars
A re-imagining of A New Hope with thumbs for characters.  It was pretty darn clever at the time, but then they did a dozen other thumb flicks that weren't so good.

8. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You've heard about this one... it really does exist... I have a copy... it killed my old DVD player... and it was made by Lucasfilm.  I've included the Holiday Special on this list because George Lucas pretends like it doesn't exist, so it's almost like he allowed himself to be spoofed by himself.

Star Wars XXX

7. Robot Chicken
Same style as Family Guy, but 4 times funnier.

6. Buzz Lightyear vs Zurg
Not the best moment of Toy Story 2 but probably one of the most memorable.  It was so predictable, but nobody seemed to see it coming... *spoiler*... Zurg is Buzz's father!

5. Hot Shots Part Deux
Somewhere in the last fifteen minutes of this Charlie Sheen flick the President of the USA has an epic lightsaber battle with Sadam Hussein... and they even directly quote Vader and Kenobi.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The first couple Pirates flicks are just clear rip-offs of Star Wars.  A princess needs saving... a shy pretty boy is up to the task... he falls in cahoots with a pirate that all the girls like... the pretty boy's dad is really alive and hangs out with the bad guys... the pirate's fate is in question at the end of the second movie... it's all there... just look for it.

3. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
I'm not going to give away too much about this one, or how much I actually paid attention to it, but the acting IS better than anything in Episode 1... and the special effects weren't bad either.  And for the record, Han shoots first.

Muppet Babies

2. Spaceballs
Most consider it to be the ultimate Star Wars homage.  And to this day it's still all kinds of hilarious.  It was the first movie I ever taped off the movie network with my parent's VCR (kids, asks your parents what that was).  Rick Moranis gives his second-best performance ever in this movie (first being Ghostbusters), and the laughs just don't stop.

1. Muppet Babies
Remember that episode of Muppet Babies where they do Star Wars?  You should, because it was the greatest achievement in the history of western culture.
Goodnight!

RRFC (Retro Ryan Fan Club) #8 - Summertime '99 begins!

RFC Newsletter #11 August 1999

In the summer of '99 I was feelin' fine.  (Or is that F.I.N.E.?)
Either way, it was a great time to be a Ryan Fan Club Member because I was about to start doing Newsletters every other week. 

That's right.  High school was just finishing up and the RFC Members wanted to know what was going to happen to me after secondary school had finished up.  Would I be going to college?  University?  On tour as the opening act for Jesse & The Rippers?

I had absolutely no plans of going to college.  I'd seen too many people waste their money with a large debt to repay. 
*Too many = my four or five friends who took radio broadcasting courses in college.

Doing the RFC Newsletters every other week was my way of letting the fans know I'd always be around.  I wasn't about to leave them Ryan-less just because it was summertime.    Fans were delighted to find the Newsletters arriving in their mailboxes.  This was really one of my first lessons in finance.  The newsletters themselves were relatively cheap to produce.  After all, it was a one-sheet 8.5x14 piece of paper (for now anyway).  The shipping is what dug a whole in my pockets.  Believe it or not, I sent so many newsletters through the mail in the summer of 1999 that Canada Post actually sent me a Christmas card that year addressed to "Ryan Fan Club".  When one of the newsletters had a wrong address on it and it was returned, the postman knocked on my door and asked, "Is there a... uh... Ryan Fan Club... living here?"

Newsletter #12, Summer 1999

The whole thing started getting out of town, as opposed to just out of hand, by this point.  Friends of mine were living in Belleville now (don't ask where that is, it's really not important) and they started signing up RFC Members there too.

It was then that I realized I needed to go online.

The Ryan Fan Club needed a website.

But that's getting a little ahead of ourselves.  I know, I know, what's wrong with a little head... but we gotta keep this journey in order.  Or at least some kind of an order that makes sense.

In Newsletter #12 I finally announced what many had been asking - or dreaming - for: I had started writing my autobiography. 

Keep in mind that in the summer of '99 I still didn't own a computer.  All of my communication was done on the phone.  All of my porno was in magazines.  And everything I did for the Fan Club was by hand, with an ink pen, on paper.  So I wrote the autobiography by hand, and enlisted the help of Crofton and Peter Fairley to get it typed up and edited for me.  Those guys are great.  The book, if you can call it that, was about sixteen pages long and was a nice little glimpse into my personal life.  I was never too convinced that people would buy it, but they fucking did - it's been re-drafted twice more since, and the last time was in 2004.  But back in 1999 it was a test to see if the Fan Club members would be interested in just about anything with my name on it.

R. Horny: An Autoryography

The book got pretty personal, talking about the girls I had crushes on who overlooked me, how I felt as an overweight child, and my connection with my cat Toxika.  It was called "R. Horny: An Autoryography" and it was really a lot of fun.

I was often asked if the title was a play on "Oh Henry", but I was actually paying homage to "M. Hohner" who made those wonderful harmonicas I always carried around in my pockets. 

It's hard to believe I ever found the time to write my life story, even if it was just a short version.  I was working full-time that summer, and doing my best to meet as many new girls as possible.  There were a few that had been catching my eye, and one who just kept coming around.  But that's a story for another year... most of 2000 actually.

And we're still in the good times of 1999.  See you soon.