Ryan's Christmas Wish List 2012

... and once again we find ourselves close to Christmas.  I know, I know, you probably haven't finished your shopping yet, and you really don't know what to get me.  Each year I put together a wish list, and it's awesome to look back and see how many of those wishes actually came true (the 1988 Superman cartoon on DVD, a new Aerosmith album, a Stanley Cup in Boston... just to name a few). 

So here we go again this year. 

An Uncle Jesse Doll Action Figure
... this would be a friggin' Christmas miracle.  Every year I put the Uncle Jesse doll on the very top of my Christmas list, and I have yet to have any mercy in my stocking.  So I got to thinking about it, and maybe Santa doesn't feel comfortable with giving me a "doll".  So henceforth, I'm calling it an Uncle Jesse Action Figure.  That sounds way cooler, and I can tell all the girls at school he has "Have Mercy Grip".  People used to ask me why I wanted a Jesse doll action figure so badly.  These days, as a loving father of a beautiful baby girl, it would result in even better playtime for us.

A Passionate Evening With Mrs. Claus
... it's never been a secret that I think Jessica Claus, from the classic "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" cartoon, is a total babe. 
Totally.
Wouldn't it therefore be awesomely great to be magically transformed into a stop/go animation puppet so I could make sweet love to Mrs. Claus right before she meets that Kringle ginger?  It would require a time machine to get to the start of the movie, and a brand new invention known as the "Rankin-Bassinator-3000" - a machine that could turn me into a puppet.
Once there, I'd show up with a nice bottle of white wine, a cassette tape of Barry White's Greatest Hits, and step-by-step directions on how to jump up and down afterwards to avoid pregnancy.  After all, I don't want to alter history and mess up Christmas for everyone else.

Spend a Day With Peter Cullen, Prank Calling All My Friends
...I could just imagine the look on my friends' faces when they answer their phone to hear Optimus Prime saying, "Hey Scott, Ironhide and I are going downtown for a couple pints to celebrate us fucking up Megatron's evil plan.  Now let's roll out."

 The Arnold Schwarzenegger Autobiography on CD, read by an Arnold Impersonator
... the awesomeness of this just goes without saying.  I bet my friend Dustin would do a great job of it too.

What do you want for Christmas?

This Christmas, Give Her What She Really Wants...

... 38 minutes of Ryan.

(That's 23 minutes longer than her normally lasts!)

It'll cost you less than ten bucks to make her happy:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/untitled-album/id563104614

"Spider's Sin" - lyrics

...with the new video for "Spider's Sin" debuting this past weekend, I've been asked to share the lyrics.  Here you go:

Spider's Sin single cover artwork

(written by Ryan Fan Club & Intoxikatrix)

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Embraced inside your den
The black widow's gonna marry again
You gotta spread your wings
And fly

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin
Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Bare naked in the acid rain
Naked, of course, except for the stain
Better lose it before you use it
Yeah, you promised she could abuse it
Or re-use it

In the web of the spider's sin
Where it ends is where you begin
With a whisper of the spider's grin

Spider's Sin video

Feel the venom crawling on your skin
Ain't no shower gonna clean it off
Give a little bit of turn your head and cough
Remember, when you're tossing out your tissues
Don't forget to thank daddy for your issues

Spider's sin
In the web
In the web
In the web of the spider's sin

Aerosmith - Music From Another Dimension! (review)

Aerosmith are back with their first album of all-new material since 2001's Just Push Play.  There are many reasons as to what the hell took them forever to do this, but the long story short is that Aerosmith never really gets anything finished when they say they will.  Still, I've been looking forward to this album since the first single dropped last Spring.  So let's take a look at Music From Another Dimension!

Music From Another Dimension!... in my man-cave.

The Good: There's some really cool rock songs on this album.  In fact, MFAD seems to span the band's entire career.  You've got fist-pumping rockers like "Luv XXX" and "Legendary Child".  You've got the radio-friendly ballads like, "What Could Have Been Love" and "We All Fall Down".  There's the experimental, what-the-hell style on "Beautiful", and there's also the straight-forward "Oh Yeah" - a song that reminds me of their first album in many ways.
Speaking of the 1970s, if you're that person who always says, "Aerosmith sucks and hasn't done anything good since the 70s", then you'll like the blistering "Street Jesus".  Trust me.
For me, the standout track has been "Out Go The Lights", which used to be an outtake called "Guilty Kilt".  I've been listening to that outtake for about 15 years now and always wondered why it was never finished into a song.  Now that it is, Out Go The Lights really does capture the feel of the band.
Pretty much encapsulates the band's entire career, right?  Oh, what about a cross-genre collaboration like they did with Run DMC.  Yep, that's on here too - in the name of Carrie Underwood.  I've got no problem with Aerosmith doing a little country. They've always had a little touch of country in them here and there.  And since today's country music is really just classic rock, it makes too much sense.  When the song, "Can't Stop Lovin' You", hits radio it will no doubt be a sing-along hit that could result in Steven Tyler nailing as many twenty-somethings as he'd like.  Makes you wonder why every guy on the planet doesn't go country.
Music From Another Dimension really succeeds in its sound though.  The guys in Aerosmith are actually playing in the same room together this time.  They recorded this as a band.  And for the first time in twenty-five years or so, everyone on the roster has a writing credit somewhere.  When Tyler sings the ballads, you can feel the pain in the lyrics ("Another Last Goodbye" might just make you tear up a bit).  We haven't felt that from Tyler in a long time, as he seemed too focussed on making a hit before.

The Bad:  The album does run a little long and could've been cut down to ten songs, or separated as two albums.  There are five bonus songs kicking around on various deluxe editions, so we could have had two ten-track albums.  Music From Another Dimension really doesn't hit a drag until "Freedom Fighter", with vocals by Joe Fuckin' Perry.  This song about Invisible Children in Africa shows us why there aren't many politically charged anthems on Aerosmith records.  Even background vocals from Johnny Depp can't save this song.  Perry pretty much kills the record again with "Something" a mere two tracks later, which is a real shame because better lyrics and vocals by Tyler would've made that one a really cool old style rock song.  The guitars are nice n' dirty on it. There's usually a Perry-vocal song on the albums that gets skipped over so having two (3 if you count bonus tracks) is just overkill.
I mentioned the five bonus songs, and a couple of them could have easily replaced the Perry tunes to strenghten the album up.  But then again, as we've mentioned before, this album seems to represent the band's entire career, and Joe Perry did have two solo eras of his career, so maybe that's what they're trying to say here? 
I think the album title is a little silly, and might have been better if it was just called "Another Dimension".

The Verdict: If you're looking for the next "Rocks" or "Toys In The Attic", this isn't it.  And really, that's not possible to get anymore from Aerosmith.  The band grew up and changed tastes.  They aren't nearly as pissed off about everything as they were back in those days.  But Music From Another Dimension is definitely worth picking up.  If you've ever liked Aerosmith then there's something for you on this album.  You can hear their Beatles influence all over the place.  And shell out the extra three dollars for the deluxe edition.  You get those bonus songs, 2 of 3 are really good, and a DVD with live footage and interviews. 
Music From Another Dimension is Aerosmith's last album under contract with Sony.  So it might be their last album, for all we know. I don't see the band ever stopping, but with today's multi-distribution paths, I wouldn't be surprized if they started releasing online singles and EPs on their own terms.  At least that way we wouldn't have to wait eleven years for new Aerosmith music.

"should've called"

... here's a new piece of writing called "Should've Called".  I might turn it into a song at some point, but I haven't decided yet.

"Should've Called"
(written by Ryan Matthew Ewing)

... so I guess this is really good-bye
And we all know it's hard sometimes
To walk away and try not to cry
Lookin' back on all the love
All those years
And see your reflection
In the tears in my eyes

And I should've called when I had the chance
I should have made more time for you and me
Left to a loss for words with an empty stare
And I really should have been there
I really should've called

So far I've been able to hide the pain
And it's harder each passing day to stay strong
Without your voice to ease the strain
Time passes away
Then it hits me that you've really left
And my only comfort is the rain

And I should've called when I had the chance
It's never too late until it's too late
Cause love shouldn't get tired and fade away
No, I can't ever get back that yesterday
I really should've called

And it only ever comes in a wave
All is fine n' dandy in the memories we've saved
It's all I've ever known
I'm forgetting it all, when I try to reach out
To learn I'm here alone

And I should've called when I had the chance
I should have just found a way to make more of a try
So I guess this is really good-bye...

...music videos

...music videos.

Are these things even relevant anymore?  Videos were huge in the 80s when MTV launched, and they peaked in creativity in the early 90s with GnFnR's "November Rain".

But the music channels barely play music videos anymore.  And they haven't for a while.

So why am I recording a music video for my song, "Spider's Sin"?

I still like music videos.  So that must mean there are other people out there who do too.

- ryan

Top 11 Duet Mashups I'd Do

It seems that so many songs these days have "feat. ___________" in the title.  It's kinda been the rage for the last ten or twelve years.  Basically, it's a way for record companies to get you to explore other artists so they can get you to start buying their music too.  I would've never checked out any songs by P!nk if it weren't for her duet, "Misery", with Steven Tyler.  Just goes to show how impressionable we all are.

I even have a guest vocalist on my new album.  Ashlynn York provides the narrative to my song "Seventeen".  It's pretty rad, and so is she.

So here are eleven song titles you might find in a Bizarro World somewhere, if these duets could ever be possible.

my song titles from the new album

11. Ryan Fan Club feat. Debbie Gibson
...our song would be: "Shake Your Dirty Blooze"

10. Ryan Fan Club feat. Celine Dion
...our song would be: "My Hot Mess Will Go On"

9. Ryan Fan Club feat. Nicki Minaj
...our song would be: "Her Empty Starships"

8. Ryan Fan Club feat. Madonna

whitney houston's zombie

...our song would be: "Ray Of Lightning Skies"

7. Ryan Fan Club feat. Gwen Stefani
...our song would be: "Spiderwebs' Sin"

6. Ryan Fan Club feat. Alicia Keys
...our song would be: "Fallin' Slow"

5. Ryan Fan Club feat. Whitney Houston's Zombie
...our song would be: "I Will Always Lizzy Shue"

4. Ryan Fan Club feat. Taylor Swift

i bop, you bop, everybody bops!

...our song would be: "Mean Meaning"

3. Ryan Fan Club feat. Carly Rae Jepson
...our song would be: "Bootleg Me Maybe"

2. Ryan Fan Club feat. Katy Perry
...our song would be: "Seventeenage Dream"

1. Ryan Fan Club feat. Cyndi Lauper
...our song would be: "Menage A She Bop"

And there you have it!  Eleven mash-ups you'll probably never see... and with good reason!

Don't forget to go to iTunes to buy my new album.  It's only $9.90, and you'll be supporting independent artistry.

Big In Japan!

... of course I'm big in Japan.

With today being the release day of "Untitled Album", I thought I'd do something a little different and spotlight the album in Japan:

Check it out at: http://www.amazon.co.jp/Untitled-Album-Explicit/dp/B009724IDW/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1347991725&sr=8-4

And if you don't live in Japan, you can get it at: iTunes or Amazon.com.

Thanks to everyone who has already purchased the new record online.  I really appreciate your support.  Let's make this one the best one yet!

- ryan

No NHL = No Friends

So the evil Bettman might just finally succeed at stealing the NHL season away from us good people of Hockeytropolis City.  Or something like that.

the bear is always right.

All I really know, is that I don't know what I'll do without an NHL season for 2012-13.
You see, I'm a huge Bruins fan. Ask my wife.  She'll tell you I have too many Bruins jerseys, and that they "all look the same".  Most of my friends are Canadiens fans.  So you can imagine the heated conversations that occur between us during the hockey season.  They usually result in lots of cursing at each other, calling each other names that refer to us having sexual relations to members of the same sex, and me reminding them that the Bruins won a Stanley Cup in 2011.

Then they say, "well the Habs have 25 bajillion Stanley Cups and the Bruins only have six..."

... Jesus, I hate those Habs.  Bunch of fucking Habs...

Anyway, I fear that without having hockey this fall my friends and I will have nothing to talk about.  I mean, what am I gonna do, brag about how I beat the Habs 19-2 in NHL13 for the Xbox? I can't really put a lot of stock in that.

On a side note, I have a couple friends who are Canucks fans.  That's just awful.  Don't get me wrong, I hate the Canadiens, but I can understand why someone would cheer for them.  I respect the team that's been in Montreal since the dawn of poutine... doesn't mean I have to like them.

my daughter in 2011 holding a bruins stanley cup

The Canucks..  they need to just fuck off and grow a pair.

So back to the lockout.  The last time there was a lockout, everyone started watching and playing poker on Saturdays to fill the ice gap.  I can't see myself going back to poker.  That was definitely a fad, and I ended up playing just as much Rummoli as I did poker anyway.  Maybe curling?

Nope.  Not doing that any time soon.

So basically, there needs to be a hockey season.  Without it, I'll have nothing to talk to my friends about and I'll get very lonely.  And if there's no hockey on TV, I might have to actually pay attention to what my wife is talking about.

if it's an untitled album, what's it about?

... so I've been getting asked a lot about the new album.  Sure, you can check out "Menage A Moi" right now.  I've received lots of great feedback about it already. But what about the other songs?  Well, let me tell you...

Bootleg Me - it was the second song that was worked on... and it's pretty much about just wanting to go home... but you can't... and all the things that keep you going until you can get home...

Menage A Moi - ever had a super awesome girl in your life that just wasn't putting out, but kept hinting that she was going to?

untitled album, by ryan fan club

Dirty Blooze - this one is just a tribute, really, to all the great blues guitars and harps out there... it was meant to sound as typical as possible, and I'm a bit too satisfied with the final product...

Spider's Sin - the closest thing to metal on the album, it's definitely the hardest pumping in-your-face rock song I've ever done... and i shout "mother fucker" as loud as i can

Sinking Slow - the lyrics were written while my mother was in the intensive care unit battling cancer this past spring... so it's kinda special to me that way...

Lizzy Shue - from the point of view of Tom Cruise's character, Bryan Flannagan, in the movie "Cocktail"... that fleeting love... the one who you can't bear to let get away... if the shue fits, baby, then you got to wear it twice... been waiting six years to do this song proper justice...

Seventeen - featuring Ashlynn York on co-vocals... another episode of men are from mars and teenage girls are from venus... but gosh, they're just so pretty that it makes it okay to put up with their ridiculous stupid immature shit...

Her Empty Trust Fund - jazzy sounding jam... really out there... no lyrics, just scatting...

Hot Mess - dirty/funky/swaggering... it's a song your mom doesn't want you to hear... lyric: "you've got to let me lick clean your hot mess"... a song about what we all think of, but never talk about...

Lightning Skies - "out of time... forgotten good-byes... lightning skies... tears in your eyes... so this is how we're supposed to live... all i can give is all i can give..."

... so which new song are you most excited to hear?

Top 11 Great Reasons to Love Yourself

In honor of the release of my new single, "Menage A Moi", let's take a look at the Top 11 reasons to love yourself.



scientific science at work.

10. You don't have to pay for a movie or dinner.  Think of the moolah you'll save by not dating.

9. You don't have to look your best.  You could just wear smelly sweat pants... or an old Ultimate Warrior t-shirt... or nothing but socks...

8. Nobody else is going to do it for you, you fugly bastard.

7. If you're an attractive woman, you could make serious cash online doing it.  Don't ask me how.  I'm neither wealthy, nor an attractive woman.

6. It's been proven by scientific science that doing it will kill either a kitten or Tony Danza.  Help control the Tony Danza population.

5. You get to be the master. Or, in some parts of Europe, you get to be the "mastur".

4. Frequent instances of loving yourself will help to keep the almond farmers employed.  At least it should.  Eat lots of almonds folks!

3. You could write a new book!  Yeah! With enough practice and determination you could write "The Kama Sutra For One".

2. Most religions consider it a sin.  And admit it, when you sin, you feel pretty cool.

1. It's Friday.

So the next time you feel like loving yourself, for whatever reason, go ahead and do it while listening to "Menage A Moi".  I won't be creeped out at all by that.  The song is about three and a half minutes, so for some of you that means you'll have to put it on repeat.  For the rest of you, if you finish before the first chorus is done I'll be mighty disappointed... or impressed if you're a chick, cause that would be really efficient work on your part.

Ta ta!

- r

Lollipop Chainsaw

...for the record, I've only made it past the first level of this game, and it's the pretty much the greatest game I've ever played.  And I've finished Bubble Bobble twice.

A cheerleader, who just turned eighteen, running around with a chainsaw and killing zombies appeals to all six of my lowest common denominators.

The guy at EB Games said, "It's okay, but it gets really repetitive really fast," when I asked him about it.  Then he suggested I buy the last game from the same developers because, "it's pretty much one continuous penis joke."

Uh... okay, I think I'll spend my time ogling the cheerleader with the chainsaw.

Did I mention that our hero's boyfriend is voiced by Michael Rosenbaum?  Mother fuckin' Lex friggin' Luthor!  Awwww yeah!

The controls aren't too hard either.  Keep in mind, my video game history revolves mostly around classic NES games and the NHL series.  I'm not used to these "serious" gamer games.  I'm really tempted to include a joke about my Wii here, but I'll let you use your imagination. 

All in all, I'd give this a game four out of... aww fuck it, it has a cheerleader with a chainsaw!  This games rules!

- ryan

Menage A Moi - single cover art!

As we get closer and closer to the release of Untitled Album, I can't help but keep your taste buds chomping... so here's the cover artwork for the first single from the album, Menage A Moi, in all it's glory!

Did I mention we're filming a video for this one too?

It's a collaborative effort with the great Peter Fairley, who you may remember as the filmographer for many of the classic scenes in "Behind The Fan Club".

It's gonna be awesome.

Stay tuned!

- ryan

Getting closer and closer to the new album

Wow.
It's almost here.
After going through a bajillion possible names for the thing, I finally decided to not even name it at all.
Or maybe "Untitled Album" is the actual title.
Maybe it has been all along.
Maybe I'm just so mysterious to even myself!

For those who missed it on the facebook page, here's the tracklisting:

1. Bootleg Me
2. Menage A Moi
3. Dirty Blooze
4. Spider's Sin
5. Sinking Slow
6. Lizzy Shue
7. Seventeen
8. Her Empty Trust Fund
9. Hot Mess
10. Lightning Skies

So that's the new record. Look for it this September. Yes, THIS September.

More pictures to come soon.

- ryan

Now That's Fast!

Where's the line?

One of the new songs I've recorded is called "Hot Mess".  It's a funky-rock song all about... well... how can I put this delicately... cunningulus.

There I said it.  Cunningulus.  Just say it out loud and it'll be okay.  Just make sure your mom isn't in the same room.  Chances are, she knows that word and you don't.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the term, loosely translated it means "going down on a girl".

Are you blushing yet?

So here's the thing.  There's a few ways to go about this kind of subject matter, right?  There are lyrics like, "...I'll love you all through the night because I eat _______ oh so right..."  

What's the first word that comes to your mind?

Would I insert the word "pussy" into that lyric?  Or would I simply use "cherry pie" and let YOUR dirty mind illustrate what everyone else is already thinking?

Complicated, isn't it?  So, where do we draw the line on good taste? And who is the judge of good taste?  Your parents?  MY parents?  The government?  The Church?  Madonna?  Or do we simply slap a Parental Advisory sticker all over everything.  Those stickers pretty much paraphrase, "hey kid, this album has lots of swearing and sex and your mom doesn't want you to hear it."

Artists have been pushing the boundaries since the day those boundaries were established. 

Now, I'm not the type to delve too far into the "vulgar" territory.  At least not anymore... I think I'm all done with songs called "Fart In Your Mouth, Baby".  I'd rather sing a wink with a smile and let you read between the lines.  I mean, we all have those thoughts, but not broadcasting them bluntly is what makes them so inappropriate when we do.  And it makes us all feel like a little bit of a bad-ass on the inside for having those thoughts.

You.  Are.  Not.  Alone.

So enjoy this song when it comes out.  Don't worry... it won't be much longer now.

- Ryan

Superman Family Adventures

That right there might be the greatest first page I've seen in a comic book in a very, very long time.

I've been saying for a few years now that DC Comics needs to make a Superman that's strictly for kids. It's no secret that The Man of Steel hasn't been popular or cool for a very long time.  The only outlet that even almost made Kal-El relevant again was Smallville, but many die-hard fanboys found the show wasn't enough like the comics.

*sigh*

And yet, people just don't buy Superman comics anymore.  It's like a catch 22.

"He wears his underwear on the outside of his pants"
"He's too powerful to be taken realistically"
"He's boring"

The problem with Superman comics isn't the character, but the medium itself.  Sometime over the last 25 years or so, comics grew up with their audience.  You couldn't have a successful funny book unless the main character faced problems that readers could relate to.  But, six-year-old kids still think it's cool to see a guy in a cape throw a meteor into space.  How could DC Comics ignore this target market for so long?

I've been asking for a Superman who breaks the fourth wall, winks at the readers, and hurls stuff into space.  I've been wanting a Lois Lane who can break any story but can't seem to prove that Superman is really Clark Kent.  I've been itching for some good ol' "Great Caesar's Ghost!".

In Issue #1, Superman has to stop some "mysterious" robots from attacking Metropolis.  Turns out this is a big ploy for Lex Luthor to steal Superman's super-powers!  GASP!  What a simple, exciting, fun premise for a Superman story. 

I'll be reading this one for a long time to come.  Awwww yeah Krypto!

Sucking, blowing, riding down the big river...

I often get odd looks from people when I tell them I play harmonica.  Even my good friends.

Then I have to almost go into defensive mode and explain that, yes, the harmonica is a real instrument.

At this point they're still usually giving me "that look" - you know the one, the look that says uh-huh, what a silly little instrument...

Then I pull a Hohner Big River Harp out of my left pocket (I always keep the key of A handy) and ask them to go ahead and play it.  They always decline.  Or they stop playing as quickly as they started.

I started playing harmonica in late 1996, mostly because I can't play guitar.  Nope, I can't hit a single lick of guitar.  I can't get my hand around the neck comfortably, so playing guitar was just out of the question.  Every time I tried, I found myself wanting to strangle the goddam thing.  In my mid teens I was really getting into Aerosmith.  It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of theirs, and to prove it just ask to see the picture of them in my wallet, and the middle of the 90s was when I was really getting into their music.  And at that point there was already twenty years worth to discover. 
Anyway, I was at this little used CD store that had some beat up records for fifty cents each, and I managed to snag a copy of the first Aerosmith LP - the one with the mis-spelled "Walkin' The Dig" on the back.  There's a tune on that one called "One Way Street" that has some sweet harmonica parts all through it.  After just one listen, I decided I would teach myself to play it.

My first harmonica was given to me by my friend Angie.  It sounded weird.  Turns out it was the type used in marching bands.  Now that's totally rock n' roll.  I ended up acquiring a Hohner Blues Harp that just so happened to be in the key of A and played that fucker until it eventually fell apart.  It really did fall apart.  At one point I kept it held together with an elastic band.  I loved that harp so much.  When I replaced it, the new one never sounded quite the same. 
I taught myself how to play, but bought a book to reference how to cross-harp and play along with all those silly guitarists.  I still have very fond memories of jamming with Steve and Rich in Polson Park field.  We tried so hard to sound Stones-ish.  It was totally bad.

On my new album, I'm playing a lot of harmonica.  I'm getting better harp sounds than I've ever had before.  Damn, it's great to be inspired.  Listen for it on "Menage A Moi" and "Dirty Blooze".  Your ears will have a hohner-gasm.

And that's that.  Next time you see someone playing harmonica - and I mean really playing it, not some guitar player who has a harp around their neck with a brace... I loathe that - get to know them a little better.  They're using their lips and tongue, and harp players are scientifically proven to be better lovers.

Peace.

Top 11 New Album Titles I Won't Be Using

So I've been getting asked by many Ryan-Fans about this new CD I'm putting together.  So far, so good.
No, that's not the title.  This isn't a 1993 Bryan Adams Greatest Hits compilation.

The biggest question I've been getting asked is, "What's the name of the new album?"  Well, the project doesn't have a name yet.  There are a few I've been toying with, such as "Swag", "Hard", and "Toxika" (the latter named for my cat who died in 2001), but here's a list of eleven album titles I certainly won't be using.
Enjoy.

11. "The Alaskan Pipeline"
Look up what that means on Urban Dictionary, and you'll see why I even thought about using it as a title.

10. "Ryan Fan Club (feat. Englebert Humperdink) Presents Classic Re-Interpretations of Ritchie Valens Songs"
Now this one is a great title, but it's kind of on the long side.  Any radio announcer talking about the album would waste half their day on just the title.

9. "No Room For The Sofa"
I originally planned on calling the "Friggidy Ding-Dong" album this, but ended up just using the phrase as a lyric in that song.


8. "Raditude"
I WAS going to use this title once upon a time too, but someone named Weezer beat me to it.  God, I hate them.

7. "God, I Hate Weezer"
It's catchy and all, but you'd end up accidentally illegally downloading that stupid sweater song while searching for torrents of my album.  I wouldn't want to subject you to that song.


6. "The Blonde Leading The Blonde"
... mmmmmmm.... dirty thoughts....

5. "Six"
At some point, most artists name an album based on how many albums they've made.  Kravitz did it.  STP did it.  Zeppelin unofficially did it.  I won't be doing it any time soon.  At least not until "17".

4. "Offside"
This was almost the name of my "Very Best Of" collection from a couple years ago.  I play a lot of street hockey, so it appealed to me.  And the silly, rude songs were kind of "offside" too - if you catch my drift.

3. "Spaceballs The Concept Album - By Ryan Fan Club"
Yeah, I could turn that classic film into a Broadway musical.  "...I need a million spacebucks and I'm feeling kinda blue-ish. I can get it from a Princess who doesn't look Druish..."  and so on, and so on.

2. "Skeletora-tora-tora!"
If you say that one three times fast, you'll open up a magic portal to a far away land...


1. "The Pink Album"
It's just a little too obvious, given my love of the color and all things associated with it.  With the connotations that go along with the color and it's relation to a woman's vagina, I might as well just call the album "Crosby" and have a big, hairy beaver crying next to a dam that's fallen apart.

And that's that!

Creative Validation

Remember that part in Superman: The Movie where Jonathon Kent takes young Clark on that walk down the dirt driveway to give him a life lesson on outrunning trains in public?

Well, he uses a phrase that has often stuck with me when I'm alone with only my own thoughts, "... a man gets a little older, and he starts thinking differently..."

That phrase has been coming up in my mind quite a bit lately.

As you already know, I'm putting together a new album of songs, and I've gotten older and I'm thinking differently.  Maybe being a father does that to you, maybe it's a longing for something knew, or maybe I just don't want to be known as "the guy who sang that 'I Have A Penis' song".  For what it's worth, I loved all that old music I made and still listen to most of it from time to time.  Now, I've never felt the need to be taken seriously as an "artist" or a "songwriter" before. And seriously, people who refer to themselves as "singer/songwriters" just need a punch in the mouth.  Labelling myself has never really been my thing, but if I had to, it would fall into some "entertainer" category.

Always good for a laugh, even if at my own expense.

Part of me thinks this new album, while still un-titled, is some sort of creative validation.  Like I'm trying to prove to myself that I can write "real" songs about "real" ideas.  Or am I trying to prove it to others?  Some of my amazing Ryan-Fans may remember the first batch of tunes I ever released.  Do "Raining In June" or "I Don't Know Why" ring a bell?  Maybe not.  After all, I got so self-consumed in friggidy-impotence-pizza-monkey-spanking-fat-chick type songs that I tucked all those old, "real" songs under the carpet.  Part of me is writing this new album just to show my wife, who will never listen to it anyway, that "hey, see, I can do this if I want to".

I wonder if the guys in Metallica ever wanted to do an album of children's songs, but never did it because, fuck, they're Metallica.  They HAVE to do Metallica-type songs. 

So far, this new album of mine has about 4 complete songs and 6 more in the works.  They aren't funny, but that doesn't mean they aren't fun.  My guitarist, Shane, used the word "novelty" when describing my last couple of albums.  It makes sense, but imagine the motions you go through when someone refers to your creativity as a novelty act.  Whoa, deep breath, just cause you don't like hearing it doesn't mean it ain't right.

New songs are called Menage A Moi, Bootleg Me, Dirty Blooze, Sinking Slow, Lightning Skies (Never Enough), Cocktails And Dreams, and ... well, I don't want to give too much away too soon.  The sound?  Imagine a Chili Peppers/Cult thing going on.  Much different than the description of "imagine the Kids In The Hall had a baby with C&C Music Factory" that I used for the Friggidy CD.

I'm having more fun than ever making music, and I'm more inspired to create than ever before.

I guess what I'm getting at here, is if you're looking for creative validation the only place you'll really find it is within yourself.  A million people can enjoy what you do, but if you're not diggin' it then what's the point?

The crazy part is, when I was younger, I didn't think all that much differently.

Menage A Moi

Wanna hear the brand new RFC song, "Menage A Moi"?

I bet you do!  But you're gonna have to wait just a little longer, my pretty monkeys.
But for now, you can check out the lyrics to the tune...

MENAGE A MOI

She's still delicate
I'm her degenerate
She hurries up and makes me wait
She's so funky, yeah
I'm so her junkie yeah
She's the master and the bait

Chorus:
Menage a moi
All alone in the room
Yeah, me, myself and I
And we're thinkin' of you
Menage a moi
Baby, if you presume
Menage a moi
Take away my blues

Dammit, so denied
She makes me suicide
A little pleasure with the pain
She gimme temperature
She's my new venture
And when she smirks I go insane

Chorus

My mama told me that I'd meet a girl like you
But nobody ever said what you'd put me through
So I'll just close my eyes until the day you see
And I'll see your face
Again and again and again

She's still delicate
I'm just a pirate
She hurries up and makes me wait

Chorus

A little heavy petting never hurt anyone
Just put out what you're getting and never hurt anyone
Just some fun in the sun
And never hurt anyone, no no no

She always scream n' shout
So I took her sister out
She told me I could go and fuck myself

An update on new music...

I knew 2012 was going to be a great year.

For those who haven't pieced it together yet, I'm working on new songs.

They're sounding much different than anything I've done before.  It's totally the opposite spectrum from Friggidy Ding-Dong.  Yesterday I finished the vocals to a song called "Menage A Moi", which you can probably figure out from the title... there's some swaggering guitar in there and some catchy sounds that I'm referring to as "hooker-bass".

Seriously, it's so catchy you'll need penicillin.

This week's focus will be finishing that song and arranging the lyrics for a tune called "Bootleg Me". 

Fuck, it's a great time to be me.

Top 11 Star Wars Spoofs

May the farce be with you?
I ain't gonna waste a lot of time with introductions on this one.  You know why you're here.  So, here they come!

Family Guy Trilogy

11. The Family Guy Trilogy
I'm not gonna say much about this one because it already gets a lot of publicity.  I personally don't enjoy the Family Guy TV show, but their Star Wars specials are goddam funny.  I do hope they make spoofs of the prequel trilogy too.  There's a lot to work with there.

10. Troops
One of the earliest funny videos on the internet, Troops was a parody of both Star Wars and COPS at the same time.  Fucking brilliant.


9. Thumb Wars
A re-imagining of A New Hope with thumbs for characters.  It was pretty darn clever at the time, but then they did a dozen other thumb flicks that weren't so good.

8. The Star Wars Holiday Special
You've heard about this one... it really does exist... I have a copy... it killed my old DVD player... and it was made by Lucasfilm.  I've included the Holiday Special on this list because George Lucas pretends like it doesn't exist, so it's almost like he allowed himself to be spoofed by himself.

Star Wars XXX

7. Robot Chicken
Same style as Family Guy, but 4 times funnier.

6. Buzz Lightyear vs Zurg
Not the best moment of Toy Story 2 but probably one of the most memorable.  It was so predictable, but nobody seemed to see it coming... *spoiler*... Zurg is Buzz's father!

5. Hot Shots Part Deux
Somewhere in the last fifteen minutes of this Charlie Sheen flick the President of the USA has an epic lightsaber battle with Sadam Hussein... and they even directly quote Vader and Kenobi.

4. Pirates of the Caribbean
The first couple Pirates flicks are just clear rip-offs of Star Wars.  A princess needs saving... a shy pretty boy is up to the task... he falls in cahoots with a pirate that all the girls like... the pretty boy's dad is really alive and hangs out with the bad guys... the pirate's fate is in question at the end of the second movie... it's all there... just look for it.

3. Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody
I'm not going to give away too much about this one, or how much I actually paid attention to it, but the acting IS better than anything in Episode 1... and the special effects weren't bad either.  And for the record, Han shoots first.

Muppet Babies

2. Spaceballs
Most consider it to be the ultimate Star Wars homage.  And to this day it's still all kinds of hilarious.  It was the first movie I ever taped off the movie network with my parent's VCR (kids, asks your parents what that was).  Rick Moranis gives his second-best performance ever in this movie (first being Ghostbusters), and the laughs just don't stop.

1. Muppet Babies
Remember that episode of Muppet Babies where they do Star Wars?  You should, because it was the greatest achievement in the history of western culture.
Goodnight!

RRFC (Retro Ryan Fan Club) #8 - Summertime '99 begins!

RFC Newsletter #11 August 1999

In the summer of '99 I was feelin' fine.  (Or is that F.I.N.E.?)
Either way, it was a great time to be a Ryan Fan Club Member because I was about to start doing Newsletters every other week. 

That's right.  High school was just finishing up and the RFC Members wanted to know what was going to happen to me after secondary school had finished up.  Would I be going to college?  University?  On tour as the opening act for Jesse & The Rippers?

I had absolutely no plans of going to college.  I'd seen too many people waste their money with a large debt to repay. 
*Too many = my four or five friends who took radio broadcasting courses in college.

Doing the RFC Newsletters every other week was my way of letting the fans know I'd always be around.  I wasn't about to leave them Ryan-less just because it was summertime.    Fans were delighted to find the Newsletters arriving in their mailboxes.  This was really one of my first lessons in finance.  The newsletters themselves were relatively cheap to produce.  After all, it was a one-sheet 8.5x14 piece of paper (for now anyway).  The shipping is what dug a whole in my pockets.  Believe it or not, I sent so many newsletters through the mail in the summer of 1999 that Canada Post actually sent me a Christmas card that year addressed to "Ryan Fan Club".  When one of the newsletters had a wrong address on it and it was returned, the postman knocked on my door and asked, "Is there a... uh... Ryan Fan Club... living here?"

Newsletter #12, Summer 1999

The whole thing started getting out of town, as opposed to just out of hand, by this point.  Friends of mine were living in Belleville now (don't ask where that is, it's really not important) and they started signing up RFC Members there too.

It was then that I realized I needed to go online.

The Ryan Fan Club needed a website.

But that's getting a little ahead of ourselves.  I know, I know, what's wrong with a little head... but we gotta keep this journey in order.  Or at least some kind of an order that makes sense.

In Newsletter #12 I finally announced what many had been asking - or dreaming - for: I had started writing my autobiography. 

Keep in mind that in the summer of '99 I still didn't own a computer.  All of my communication was done on the phone.  All of my porno was in magazines.  And everything I did for the Fan Club was by hand, with an ink pen, on paper.  So I wrote the autobiography by hand, and enlisted the help of Crofton and Peter Fairley to get it typed up and edited for me.  Those guys are great.  The book, if you can call it that, was about sixteen pages long and was a nice little glimpse into my personal life.  I was never too convinced that people would buy it, but they fucking did - it's been re-drafted twice more since, and the last time was in 2004.  But back in 1999 it was a test to see if the Fan Club members would be interested in just about anything with my name on it.

R. Horny: An Autoryography

The book got pretty personal, talking about the girls I had crushes on who overlooked me, how I felt as an overweight child, and my connection with my cat Toxika.  It was called "R. Horny: An Autoryography" and it was really a lot of fun.

I was often asked if the title was a play on "Oh Henry", but I was actually paying homage to "M. Hohner" who made those wonderful harmonicas I always carried around in my pockets. 

It's hard to believe I ever found the time to write my life story, even if it was just a short version.  I was working full-time that summer, and doing my best to meet as many new girls as possible.  There were a few that had been catching my eye, and one who just kept coming around.  But that's a story for another year... most of 2000 actually.

And we're still in the good times of 1999.  See you soon.

Periods & Erexclamation points

You know, us human beings are pretty funny.

I've always found it so strange how women behave during "that time of the month".  Now, I'm not talking about being bitchy, or cranky, or the usual stereotypes that go along with menstruation.  I'm talking about the lengths women will go to hide the fact they are using a tampon.

Before we go any further, "tampon" is and has always been a funny word.  Go ahead.  Say it out loud a few times.  I can wait.

Finished?  Good.  Let's keep this flowing.

There's a commercial on TV right now that shows a girl taking her purse to the bathroom and suggesting that she needs her debit card in there.  That's a lot of stumbling of words when she could just say, "my cooch is bleeding and the tampon needs changing."

The Majestic Lady Missile

Okay, that might be a bit too straightforward for most people, but I've never bled out of my penis, and if I started today I'd probably call CNN about it. 

And that's the difference between men and women right there.  Or is it?

I would suggest that an erection for a man is along the same lines as a period is for a woman.  No, really, when we have a boner we don't let the rest of the room know about it.  We try to cover it up and hide the fact that someone might find out about it.  Or heaven forbid they see it!  And they realize it's much smaller than we tell everyone it is.

However, when a man is alone with a woman and has an erection he has no problem telling her about it.  Similarly, when that man pulls his package out of the wrapping to do something with it, the woman has no hesitation with telling the man that she's on the rag... errr, on her "monthly friend".  Sorry ladies, I'll try to be more sensitive.  Don't worry, I know I'll fail too.

Of course this whole bleeding thing really does separate the women from the boys.  Once again, if I woke up this morning and Le Canard (the name of my junk, all guys do it) was quacking out blood I wouldn't leave the house.  No debate.

So why is it we can spew out all kinds of information that nobody cares about all through the day (and if you wanna argue this, just read some of your friends' Facebook pages) yet we can't share what's going on with our special areas.  Is it really that embarrassing to be bleeding from your vagina when it happens to every other woman too?  Chances are 1 in 4 women in the room are on their period right now. 

And any man in the room could have an erection at any time.  Big deal... errr, that wasn't supposed to be a pun.  But I'm not about to edit it out either.

So the next time you're menstruating, tell someone.  Share that wonderful, healthy, natural news with them.  Unless they're eating.  Hungry bellies and bloody cunts don't mix.

- Ryan

RRFC (Retro Ryan Fan Club) #7 - Jam Packed... or Pack Jammed!



Newsletter #10  July 1999

Ryan Fan Club Newsletter #10 was the biggest newsletter I had done yet.  It was two pages long, and was stuffed with more writing than I had ever done in any newsletter previously.

And yet it was one of the easiest ones to produce, because 90% of it was memories that had been sent in by Fan Club Members who were trying to win a VHS of 1987: The Ryan Fan Club Motion Picture.  The victory went to "Cheeks" (read the newsletter to find out who Cheeks is).

The spring of 1999 was wasted in my friend Adam's basement.  We thought we were wrestlers and did our best to copy the WWF moves in his basement.  I was a huge Bret Hart fan and often applied the Sharpshooter to my friend James DeMoss.  Crofton took a bad knee to the chin once that nearly knocked him out.  Adam had a jug full of water spit in his face.  And Chris would show up randomly at times and kick us in the balls, just so he could shout "STUNNER!"

page 2!

Basement wrestling was a lot of fun, and I'm surprized nobody ever got seriously hurt from it.  I took a big suplex from Crofton once onto Adam's bed (tell that doesn't sound gay), and the wrestling move made the bed collapse to the floor.  So Adam put some large coffee cans underneath to hold it back up.  Next week, another match with the superstars of wrestling, another big suplex, and the coffee cans were crushed too.

I invented my own submission move called The Shotgun.  You pretty much bent the guy down, sat on his head, and pulled his arms up from behind.  It pulled at the chest muscles and caused a lot of pain.  Well, I was wrestling Adam for the championship and managed to put him in the Shotgun, but he just wouldn't give up.  He was super-determined to be the champ.  If we really were wrestlers, he would've gotten a huge pop from the crowd.  No doubt about it.

Now, I don't know what caused this next part to happen.  I can't remember what I ate that day, or what beer I had been drinking... but I had to fart and couldn't hold it in.

So I farted on Adam's head while he was in the Shotgun.

And it didn't smell nice.

So he tapped out in a hurry, not from the pain but from the stench, and I (known as Ambush) was still the heavyweight champion of the basement wrestling federation... or whatever we used to call it.

- Ryan

If I Ruled The World

This isn't something I think about overly often.  Sure, we've all seen something and said to ourselves, If I ruled the world, I'd do that differently.

So here's what I'd do differently.

I would make bacon a staple in everyone's diet.
Bacon is awesome.  It's just plain wonderful.  Imagine how happy you would be if you just had a little bacon every day.  Just one slice of bacon.  Just for the taste of it, first thing in the morning.  Everyone would be that much happier.  And vegans, sorry, but you're going to have to just fucking take one for the team.  It's important to note that because of bacon's prestige here, the pig would be considered a revered animal across the world.  We would worship and respect it for providing us with such wonderful bacon.

I would legalize prostitution.
Yes I would.  There are many people out there who do not get to have wild lovin'.  Some are because they are far too unattractive to ever get it.  Don't go calling me insensitive, you know you've seen someone on the street before and thought, there is nobody on this planet to love him.  Well, that person should be allowed to pay for sex.  And it should be regulated, safe (both the act and the environment), and consentful.  And my government (realistically it would be an empire) would take a tax from it to ensure the safety.  And then I would drink coffee out of an elaborately decorated gold cup.
And that tax brings us to...

The tax from the people would go towards necessities.
Ladies, imagine if you didn't have to buy tampons because your government (or sexy empire in my case) provided them for you.  And not the shitty kind either.  I'm talking the good Tampax Pearl stuff. 
Fellas, you don't bleed from your penis so I have the next best thing for you. An unlimited supply of unsweetened almonds.  This way, you can always have access to the almond joy you so deserve.

I would lock Coldplay in a box and hide the key.
This one's pretty self explanatory, n'est-ce pas?

I would change the name of Planet Earth to Planet Houston.
In honor of General Zod, the first sole ruler of our planet for a short period of time back in 1981, I would re-name our world to Planet Houston.  And if someone made me a really great deal, I'd let them have Australia.

And just like that, the world would be a better place.
Just think of all that bacon!

- Ryan

RRFC (Retro Ryan Fan Club) #6 - 1987: The Ryan Fan Club Motion Picture

RFC Newsletter #9, June 1999

Long before I made my epic Behind The Fan Club DVD, I tried to make a little home movie for all my fans.  It was something they had been asking for.  Well, they actually suggested I have a public access cable television show, but I figured a little home movie would give me an idea about whether or not I'd enjoy doing that sort of thing.

Ryan Fan Club Newsletter #9 was all about the movie, announcing it was finally finished, and even offering a free copy of the movie in a contest!  Fans could buy the VHS tape for a whopping $8.  Seriously, this movie is now a huge collector's item.  I think only about forty or fifty copies even exist.

Unlike my more recent DVD, 1987:The Ryan Fan Club Motion Picture had very little editing, and isn't available for viewing online.
(You can see some clips from it here and some of it is strung throughout "Behind The Fan Club")

The movie was a labor of love.  It was filmed over three days, and I pretty much borrowed a JVC camcorder from my high school and showed up at the front door of RFC Members' houses to get interviews with them.  The point of the movie was to try and be as random as the RFC Newsletter was. 

I was often asked why I named the movie "1987".  Some fans thought it was an homage to "1984" and how I was getting bigger than Big Brother.  But nope, I named it "1987" because that's what I consider to be the greatest year in history.  It's when Appetite For Destruction and The Princess Bride came out, when Aerosmith made their comeback, and Ronnie was still president of the U.S. of A.

1987: The Ryan Fan Club Motion Picture

The whole movie was pretty long.  Even I had a hard time sitting through it in it's entirety.  But it was so much fun to make!

Paired up with my good buddy Crofton, we piled into his mom's car (named The NeoGeo), and filmed whatever we thought was a good idea at the time.  The wrestling sequence was excellent.

There's some really great interviews with RFC Members Brendon Smith, Adam Thom, Rob Trentadue, Sarah Hutchison, and Ashleigh Forsyth.

There's also some really boring footage of Toxika rolling around on a bed for 2 or 3 minutes while the phone rings in the background.

The movie was further proof that I really had no shame in approaching any random person on the street to get their answer or opinion on any random thought that was going through my head. 

One of the highlights of the entire movie is my interview with some university students down by the water.  The look on their faces when I ask, "So what was your favorite memory from Full House?" was just priceless.

VHS back cover

All in all, the movie was a good learning experience more than anything else.  I can think of at least two people who told me they turned it off within the first ten minutes because it felt like it was taking forever.

And it was.

That was when I learned the importance of editing.  While the RFC Newsletter could be super-random and face every-which-way and seem like there's always something new from any angle, a movie can really only go from start to finish.

You can set an RFC Newsletter down and glance at it later to see it from a fresh perspective.  Once you hit the stop button on your VCR, you forgot all about 1987: The Ryan Fan Club Motion Picture.

- Ryan

"Nin Nin Nin"

So here's something brand new, I know it's small, but so is she right now.  It's the first new poem I've written in over a year.  It's pretty much leading to some new lyrics... so without further adieu...

"Nin Nin Nin" by Ryan Matthew Ewing

I can't speak a thousand languages

I've talked enough in tongues

I have so many messages

My songs haven't all been sung

The smile you give, the joy you wish

When I'm down, I just think of you

Then you laugh and say some gibberish

Does "Nin Nin Nin" mean "I love you"?

I hope you liked it.

RRFC (Retro Ryan Fan Club) #5 - Spring 1999... outta my hands.



RFC Newsletter #7 (April 1999)

Let me be the first to say that it's never a good idea to give me a good idea.
Fuck, a bad idea that sorta sounds good at the time isn't too smart either.

I was gearing up to finish high school in Spring 1999... and I was starting to think I might be able to actually get away with being "Ryan Fan Club" for the rest of my life.  Wait, you mean forgo the idea of going off to college and being creative instead?  Ohhhh shit!

It was right about this time that the Ryan Fan Club really started taking off.  I mean, really, it kinda got out of hand.

There's a great anecdote I used to tell about a girl named Chelsea who worked at HMV.  I was looking to purchase the Labyrinth soundtrack there and asked her if I could get a discount for being famous for doing nothing.  She looked at me like I was a retard, and probably rightfully so, and then asked why I had my own fan club.

There were a lot of people back then who used to ask me that.  "Uh... why do you have your own fan club...?"

Chelsea turned down my request for a discount.  But she did take an RFC Application form from my friend Crofton, probably just to shut us up and get us to leave.  A half hour or so later we bumped into some Ryan-Fans in the mall, so I asked them if they had their membership cards with them.  They said 'yes', so I asked them to go to HMV to try and get a discount with them.

When I got home and checked my e-mail, Chelsea had joined the Ryan Fan Club.

RFC Newsletter announced the movie I was filming, promoted the newly-for-sale RFC Yearbook 1999 (if you ask me nicely enough I'll post it online too), and hinted at titles for a forthcoming Autobiography.  I was surrounding myself with awesome friends and collaborators who would say things like, "you know what would be stupid?  If you wrote your autobiography!  And if people read it!"

So I wrote it.  And people friggin' read it.  I love this planet.  I think I'll stay here a while.

This newsletter also featured the results of the 1st Annual RFC Awards.

And then Newsletter #8 came with even more craziness!  Fans started sending in questions for me to answer... holy sexy butter!  That's fan mail!  Fans started submitting their own poetry for me to share with the rest of the club too!  This newsletter had a great little poem by Quinn Cousineau.  Everything really was turning up cherries for me.

Life was good.

Until next time,

- Ryan



Guns N' Aero - The Greatest Super Group EVER!

I was chatting with my buddy Nick Dewolfe the other day about the usual things... rock n' roll, coffee, beautiful ladies we'd love to love... and we pondered what it would be like if Aerosmith and Guns N' Roses did more than tour together...

Imagine, if you will, a parallel universe.
One in which Steven Tyler never saw Joe Perry making french fries and formed Aerosmith.
Where L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose didn't combine forces to rule the late 80s and early 90s.
An alternate reality with the greatest super-group ever - Guns N' Aero!

And this is what their set list would look like:

1. Nightrain Kept A-Rollin'

2. So F.I.N.E.*

3. Sweet Last Child O' Mine

4. Back Off Bitch's Brew

5. Garden Of Adam's Apple

6. Kings And Rocket Queens

7. Let The Music Do The Knockin' On Heaven's Door

8. Movin' Out To The City

9. Get A Grip In The Ring

ENCORE!

10. Mama Kin

11. Lovin' My Michellevator

12. Chip Away At The Mr. Brownstone

Realistically, this band would do more drugs than possibly exist, start the show four hours late (if at all), and pretty much rule the world.

- Ryan

p.s. - if you can think of any other awesome song title mash-ups for these two, post 'em below.